Okay, I am very happily married, we have been together 12 years and have a good sex life, active and varied. We have both been married before, mine finished after I was unable to remain faithful.
I have a very high libido at times, just good at other times. Generally mine is slightly higher than his.
The problem is last year we have meet a new friend, he is a mutual friend but does seem to have attached himself to me. We spend a fair bit of time together, normally in company, though we are sometimes alone. When we are not together we are often chatting online, normally it starts with a conversation and will soon turn to some harmless flirting (though I now ask is it harmless?)
Recently I have had many dreams about this friend, and then this week I have started having very realistic fantasies about him, so much so that I can almost feel him touching and caressing me. I noticed that he has started to make me smile and this worries me, not because I don’t normally smile, but because I think I am developing feelings for him. When we brush against each other, which seems to be becoming more and more often I feel almost aroused. I am sure that he has some feelings for me.
I am not wanting to have an affair, but can not go on like this, I almost told him last night that I had feelings for him.
More of a confession than a request for advice, but very happy to receive some advice.
I have no experience of this as I have only ever had incredibly faithful unmarried relationships. I can only suggest that you really consider your current marriage. If you wish to remain faithful I would be honest with this other guy and admit your scared where the friendship is going, commit to not seeing each other alone but remain on good terms when in company. Otherwise...its really up to you...just be prepared for damages to all involved! There is nothing wrong with fantasising, but acting on these is another matter entirely.
I really don't want anything to happen just feel as if we are hurtling towards each other, and its something neither of us can stop, not acted yet. I have been tempted before with others but always been able to resist.
Can’t tell him how I feel, as my feelings are very wrong on so many levels, he is half my age and very inexperienced. I already feel bad enough when the chat becomes flirting, though can’t seem to control it.
First time round I was far too young to be married and my husband twice my age, not a great match. He wanted sex once a month, I wanted it everyday. We had nothing in common.
I don't want to put a downer on you but I think it's important to say;
Everyone views things differently, for me what you seem to be developing is what is known as an emotional affair. It can be harmless or harmful depending on where you take it but also on your real partners beliefs as standpoint.
Personally; as someone who has been on the negative receiving end of my partner doing this and also (seperatly) having insecurities over my body image and personality quirks; I find the concept of the emotional attachment as difficult to take as cheating itself. That's not to say it isn't normal and or that it could cause any harm for your relationship - that's just how it affects ME and only NOW after a bad experience.
I think it's important for you to evaluate what you really want to happen and make your own decisions, but I also think the more you dwell on it the worse it will get... Actually, trust me on that last part lol
Personally, i don't think flirting is harmless. If you are happily married, and recognise that it is a relationship that wouldn't work, then it would seem to me at least that the best thing to do is cut all contact.
I think the last thing you should do is tell him how you feel. It will just been one more thing you both share and it may fuel his desire and it could make things harder for you if he was to continue the flirting thinking you will eventually give in. Not saying he's that type of guy, just throwing it out there as an option.
Personally I think you need to stop seeing him, certainly when it's just the two of you, preferably all together. If that is hard to do with him being a mutual friend, maybe you could confide in your husband, a toned down version maybe. Tell him you thought it was all harmless fun, but no you're not so sure and it makes you feel uncomfortable. Chances are he'll be less likely to leave you alone together, thus removing the tempatation a great deal.
You need to make really clear decisions to guide yourself away from this man. Just remember this could potentially end your marriage if it goes wrong, would it be worth it? If not, put a stop to it immediately, in whatever way you can.
Having had another restless night thinking about it.
I can clarify that there is no way I want anything to happen between us, and I think that is why I am so tormented by this.
My marriage is very important to me, I love my husband he has been the victim of an affair and I would never do that again. Talking to my husband is not an option.
My first one wasn't it was a huge mistake from us first getting together, and despite a struggling to be faithfully, I had an unloving husband and my affairs were entirely down to the emotional support and realationaship I craved, sex was just something that came as part of the package.
I am actually wondering if I am just flattered by this young mans attention and so creating something that isn't even there, I am confident he would run a mile if I made a pass (which I am not intending to do). We have a good natutural friendship and I maybe corrupting this by trying to make it sexual (if only in my mind).
I have had similier emotional connections in the past, but they have always been with men that I only had to spend a week or two with on a course. I suspect this is one of the issues as I see this man far more often.
Thank you all, there is no one else I could have confided in.
Goodness I feel for you if your marriage is happy please stay away from this guy, 10 years ago my first marriage was hell I developed an online crush with a real person, no not famous, of course I knew I couldn't have him it made me ill, so ill a good friend wondered was I seriously ill but it made me realize I couldn't stay in that marriage.
Today I am happily in my second marriage huge difference a husband I love to bits, Yes enjoy my crushes but he knows he comes first my ex was even jealous of celebrity crushes, today hubby laughs and says very rude things we both laugh. Hugs to you lots
Firstly, I must say that your honesty on something so controversial is amazing! Most people would never admit to such things, even online.
I was in a similar situation before. I think the best thing to do is to distance yourself from this man. You can still remain friends but just don't talk to or spend so much time with him.
I take it there's no way your OH would accept a poly relationship?
I recently was in a similar situation, (thankfully not married), and later found out that the ex would've been up for that; am now in another monogamous relationship, but not sure that I'm cut out for it.
I guess, hypocritical though it is for me to say it, the best option aside from that is probably to keep your distance.
I think the last thing you should do is tell him how you feel. It will just been one more thing you both share and it may fuel his desire and it could make things harder for you if he was to continue the flirting thinking you will eventually give in. Not saying he's that type of guy, just throwing it out there as an option.
Personally I think you need to stop seeing him, certainly when it's just the two of you, preferably all together. If that is hard to do with him being a mutual friend, maybe you could confide in your husband, a toned down version maybe. Tell him you thought it was all harmless fun, but no you're not so sure and it makes you feel uncomfortable. Chances are he'll be less likely to leave you alone together, thus removing the tempatation a great deal.
You need to make really clear decisions to guide yourself away from this man. Just remember this could potentially end your marriage if it goes wrong, would it be worth it? If not, put a stop to it immediately, in whatever way you can.
Hi Miss Pussycat, I think its good you have thought more about it. Ive been in similar situations (having fantasies about a friend of mine) however I love my OH so much. My fantasies were down to fact my OH wasnt keen ontrying new things in bedroom and was opposed to bondage which I love and I knew my friend was into similar things and hearing him talk bout it. I realised that it wasnt actually him I was having fantasies about more things he was talkig bout.
Now my ex is more open to.tryng things and has even been one to suggest things now.
anyway my point is that you are right to think more about it and decide against it there is nothing wrong with having the odd fantasy to yourself when playing alone though as long as you dont act on it and know its just a bit of fun for yourself xx
I understand that this is difficult so would suggest you try to imagine if it was your husband having the same relationship with a female friend. If you would be comfortable with it then you are probably doing nothing wrong. If you would prefer him to distance himself then you have your answer. Hope you get it sorted.
Flirting is in no way harmless. I'm sure your OH would be hurt to read the messages you've sent to this man and through flirting you've developed feelings for someone you shouldn't have. You've said you don't want anything to happen, stop seeing him, stop messaging him, tell him it's inappropriate the way you talk and you don't want to anymore so he should leave you alone. There's really no way you can see this man without feeling this way and the more you see him in groups the stronger those feeling will be. The biggest problem is that you've been unfaithful in the past, if your OH finds out about the flirting it's likely he'll think there's more.
I have also been in a similar situation. I was living in a different country and a bit lonely, one of my male friends started giving me more attention which I allowed. Even though I didn't have any interest in him, he thought I did because of the flirting (oops), and whenever we were alone after that he kept trying to kiss/touch/have sex (he was rather pushy) with me. Luckily I was going home a few days later because things were getting very uncomfortable. I didn't think I could tell my boyfriend about it at the time because I felt bad for flirting with another guy, but did tell him when I got back, he was very understanding, forgave the flirting, and really just angry about how pushy the guy had been! So my advise is to cut all contact! And let your husband know, even in a toned down version, you haven't done anything wrong and he can help you cut contact. I hope it works out x
Personally I think you need to stop seeing him, certainly when it's just the two of you, preferably all together.
I agree 100%.
I also agree with Jazzam that what you're describing could be considered an emotional affair. You've said that you do not want anything to happen with this man and I acknowledge that in your mind, nothing has yet because you haven't done anything physical. Your husband may feel differently - if I was in your husband's shoes, my personal feeling would be that a line had already been crossed. This is really dangerous territory, and I think you need to set clear boundaries for yourself going forward to avoid damaging your marriage.