I'm always paranoid that OH is gonna cheat on me, its like a tiny thing happens and i feel my whole body go cold and im terrified, my brain intantly jumps to worst case scenario. he's a good liar, good at twisting his words, its usually jut playful and i pick up on it well but it makes me paranoid that he does it in other cases. he gets annoyed when i bring it up and i instantly think this is becuase he's panicking about being caught. its worse when im staying at uni because I'm not there, but he works with his best friends wife and even though i know he's a good man and wouldn't do that to me or his best friend it still gets in my head. i can't get it out of my head. like just today i found some bunched up tissue in our living room and instantly i think a womans used it to wipe herself after sex... what the hell is that?!
logically i know he'd never cheat on me, but i just cant stop myself! we're an amazing couple but i just cant control this.
Massively so, depression from 12yo, first boyfriend biggest player imaginable. And the smart side of me knows this but the other side just expects him to want more or better. I just don't know how to stop it from ruining us
I to get insecurities at times leading to same sorta things n more ive got insecurities about my body as im slim...talking definitely helps is there not a friend or famiky members that can help u x
Firstly, I'm really sorry to read this Y&F. Obviously I don't know you guys, but from reading your posts for the past six months, you have sounded pretty settled and happy in this relationship. I think communication is key, so instead of bringing it up randomly, maybe sit down and discuss it with him. Tell him you realise that it's your issue, and that you hope to work on it.
I'm gonna say something and I don't at all mean it to sound harsh in any way- but- be careful with this, you don't want it to become a self-fullfilling thing. I guess everyone has seen it before when someone is convinced someone else is cheating and it pushes the other person away, even when they are not.
It's great thay you can see that it's your issue with your confidence. I have experienced this myself- I often wonder what people see in me and why they want to be with me. What has really helped me is taking steps to build upon my confidence and my enjoyment in life- by persuing my hobbies and interests and taking time for myself to do the things I want and to achieve the things I want to achieve. This has helped reduce my overall stress level and made me feel stronger as a person (without wishing to sound too cheesy).
I think it's very easy to lose yourself in relationships, it becomes about you as a couple and you can lose sight of who you were to begin with. I am totally guilty of this- usually because I feel grateful that someone wants to be with me, and I have been known to let go of my own personality a bit too much, to suit the other person and/or the relationship. This inevitably gets to a point where I remember who I am and end up resenting the fact that I am not being that person, and the relationship ends. I'm really going to try and avoid this in future. This is all due to a lack of confidence. I'm not saying this is necessarily what is going on with you, but maybe being a bit more independent and focusing on yourself for a while will help you to feel more confident and help with your feeling of self-worth - although from picking up on how caring you are from your posts, I'm fairly certain this guy can't do any better!
It's easier said then done I know, and it doesn't matter what I say- only you can make you feel more confident at the end of the day. But remember- you are strong and you are your own person, he is a lovely addition to your life (and I hope it all works out) but you did have a life before him too!
I'm considering counselling, I really should have gone that way with my depression, I though when I met OH I beat it but I think it just changed. There's really no one I can talk to, I'm not close to family and have no friends besides OH
I'm considering counselling, I really should have gone that way with my depression, I though when I met OH I beat it but I think it just changed. There's really no one I can talk to, I'm not close to family and have no friends besides OH
If you think it would help then go for it. I left going for far too long and when I finally did, I got over so many stupid issues that had been plaguing my mind for years. I think it would be especially beneficial if you're not close to anyone other than the OH.
Is there no one at uni that you could hang out with? Maybe it would help to join a club to meet people or talk to people on your course- it will all help with the confidence and focusing on your own stuff x
Thanks SR36 we are very happy and we talk about the future all the time, I know he loves me and wants to marry me, but I know he deserves better, and I know women around him know he deserves better. We go out together and women come on to him, he's older than me so older women don't respect me and I feel like they deliberately do it, he's incredibly charismatic and polite. He doesn't see women flirting which makes me think I'm seeing things. But them something happens and my gut drops, the other day I couldn't find the condoms that came on DOTW ages ago, we don't use them and I went cold and could see him using them with another woman... Then I found them :/
Thanks SR36 we are very happy and we talk about the future all the time, I know he loves me and wants to marry me, but I know he deserves better, and I know women around him know he deserves better. We go out together and women come on to him, he's older than me so older women don't respect me and I feel like they deliberately do it, he's incredibly charismatic and polite. He doesn't see women flirting which makes me think I'm seeing things. But them something happens and my gut drops, the other day I couldn't find the condoms that came on DOTW ages ago, we don't use them and I went cold and could see him using them with another woman... Then I found them :/
OK, first things first- I think you need to seriously look at how you're talking to yourself. You're being way too harsh! Come on woman! You've had this guy for a while now right? Do you honestly believe he deserves better?! The age is nothing- I've been with older guys, and to be totally honest it has actually been the other way around and they were questioning why I'd wanna be with them. So what if some woman doesn't respect you- he obviously does!
You are letting your anxiety get the better of you (I've been there)- hence these silly thoughts about condoms and tissues. You need to stop- as you say you are very happy, and if he wants to marry you then you really have nothing to worry about. Seriously- you know your low confidence is causing this- you've said it yourself. Now believe it ! And know that you are capable of doing something about it- and then do it. I bet even taking the step to see a counsellor will give you some feeling of control and help you to realise that you are stronger than this.
*hugs* This is a situation I'm familiar with hun, sadly. Seeing a doctor and seeing your uni's pastoral care team is probably your best bet. They can offer councelling amd workshops, self help programs to manage and tackle your anxiety and paranoia, and your doctor may suggest medication. whilst meds can help, I'd advise you to be extremeley careful due to being at Uni, and of you do choose medication make sure your uni tutor or whoever is kept updated to the situation as medication can initially be very disruptive. Universities tend to be very understanding though, which is great.
On the other frront, you just need to talk to your boyf. Explain this is how your illness sometimes manifests, and ask for reassurance that should his feelings change, he will tell you rather than act secretly. Its the arrangement me and mine have, and it seems to work. Sometimes the conversations are decidedly not fun, but it makes things okay.
Thanks, you've really helped, I think I deffinately need counselling, and to have more confidence. I do think he deserves better but I don't think he realises it lol I know how rediculous i sound but I just can't stop it. Talking to him about will only upset him, we both have really strong morals and he hates the idea of cheating, I hate telling him what I'm thinking but it eats me up, that's why I had to come on here, just so I didn't say it to him. I'd deffinately never take mess for anything, they don't fix anything just hide it
Random but related, the not taking meds thing. Have you had your vitamin levels checked? I'm not trying to downplay your depression (been there myself since childhood) but given the time of year, getting your vitamin D levels in particular is a very good idea. I had a sudden downturn and was in a worse place that I had been in a long time last winter, turns out I had basically no Vitamin D in my body. The vitamins made a world of difference. Anything that could lift your mood could help you work through this and it's something Doctors very rarely acknowledge/check for unless asked (here anyway).
Good luck if you decide to go through with the counselling, I really hope it helps <3
*squish*
I can understand how horrible it is talking about it, and how morals come into play. You just need to be able to talk to someone, I guess. Even if that is us :)
I agree with Lovebirds too, get your vitamin levels checked. You may have SADs too, which combined with depression and anxiety is an enormous pain in the arse. If you can pick up your sunlight and Vit D levels (as well as others tbh, eat as much fruit and veg as you can afford) it will probably perk you up to your normal level of mood, whether that be good, bad, or 'eh' :)
Yeah, I agree with the others, it sounds like lack of confidence/insecurity. If it helps, I've started seeing a counseller at my university as my mother is trying to put thoughts about my boyfriend cheating, doing things behind my back and using me in my head plus other things. It does help, just expressing your concerns to a stranger does relax a little as it's out in the open.
Are you under stress from other things though like uni? Subconciously you're thinking about it more than you really know and it sounds like it's taking it's toll on you. If there's anything I could say or do for you I would but consider counselling, and try relaxing (I know harder to do than say) but try not to let it eat you up x
Please to take notice of what Lovebirds said about vitamins! I have battled depression from age 13 but looking back probably longer. I had a psychologist at age 9 until i just completely refused to keep going and the guy very unprofessionally gave up.
I was off meds for years, i was up and down with my moods.. And without trying to sound very un PC.. I just felt mental. Like as if i had a constant battle with myself in my head. I got back on meds for two years because my anxiety was at an all time high so i was in citalopram, which did help but it made me do stupid things like take risks when crossing the road because i couldnt judge how far away or how fast the traffic was moving. I kept walking out infront of traffic badically cause i thought it was fine but my mind was just fuzzy! Eventually it got worse, the pills had no effect and i doubled my dose (never do this) . But eventually ended up feeling far worse than i did before i even started taking meds. This freaked me out and instead of weaning off the meds i just stopped cold turkey. ( dont do this either its dangerous ).
A few months ago i jumped on the juicing band wagon, for weightloss .Something wierd happened. By day two i felt amazing! I could concentrate, i felt awake, i felt more positive! Things were clear in my head for the first time there was no fog! I wasnt as moody, people didnt bother me like they used to. I didnt feel paranoid about anything. I wasnt anxious any more. And to be honest i put that down to getting more good nutrition! All those vitamins, minerals! Yum yum! You could probably get the same effect from eating the fruits and veg but i found it easier to juice because i could get more portions into me. And the effects last. I only do it now when i feel myself start to slide back into a bad mindset. Today for example i had five carrots, three apples four sticks of celery,a whole cucumber and two oranges. I couldnt sit and eat that but i can drink all the juice it makes. Then for dinner some steamed fish and brocolli. Your diet really can make a difference to how your feel mentally xx
I cannot really help with any relationship-related difficulties (never having been in a relationship - sadly enough) but please, accept some virtual hugs from another person who suffers from the lack of confidence; it is something that is definitely pretty hard to overcome... I would suggest focusing a bit at realizing that you have surely done loads of stuff that turned out just fine (from what I gather, you are pretty good at the uni - and seeing you are constantly challenged with your learning disabilities, I think that is quite a big success, something to be proud of), and you should also learn to accept praise and trust of people around you. I am sure that one day you will able to overcome any insecurities you may have these days.
Jiminy. Yeah, this came out of left field from you. Can I just say that dumb as this is going to sound, you might not be feeling brilliant but try not to lose sight of the fact that there are a lot of people here who care about you. Not because of what you look like but because of the good person your words on here have proven you to be, time and time again.
I don't have anything useful to add whatsoever. Is this a cyclical thing, do you think?
Jiminy. Yeah, this came out of left field from you. Can I just say that dumb as this is going to sound, you might not be feeling brilliant but try not to lose sight of the fact that there are a lot of people here who care about you. Not because of what you look like but because of the good person your words on here have proven you to be, time and time again.
I don't have anything useful to add whatsoever. Is this a cyclical thing, do you think?