WillC wrote:
Whilst i think some people can take BDSM too far, i think a lot of these cases are psychopaths using "Rough sex gone wrong" as an excuse for their murderous traits, they are criminals and will use any defence at their disposal. It really makes sense to only try BDSM with a partner you know well and trust implicitly. Never put yourself at risk.
Spot on.
Ian Chimp wrote:
I think there's a huge emphasis on consent now, much more than ever before. All these things can be fun, but only if you want to do it. Knowing you have the absolute right to say 'no' at any point, and knowing exactly how to handle those situations if and when they arise, is definitely the way forward.
Apologises to anyone who has experienced sexual assault: what I have to say may trigger painful memories.
Reporting of the Harvey Weinstein trial brought up some key psychology I hadn't previously thought about: during a sexual assault, victims have been shown to behave in four key ways;
Fight, Flight, Freeze, and a fourth complex response of non-consensual participation. This final response is a really important one to understand in the context of discussing consent.
During a sexual assault, it is common for the victim to 'participate' in the act in the hope of 'getting it over as quickly as possible'. People behave in this way for a number of reasons initially, but this develops & is often complicated by the fact that the body often produces Oxytocin in response to the assault, mixing feelings of this 'love hormone' with trauma.
Importantly, production of the love hormone during the act doesn't necessarily relate with either enjoyment or consent.
During and after the act, the victims can often be very confused by a toxic combination of emotional trauma, and powerful endorphins. Self-blaming and feelings of guilt and shame, for 'allowing' a situation to develop and/or participating, are tragically very common responses to a situation that wasn't asked for, welcomed, or given consent.
I feel it's very important that people understand how consent can be nuanced. As Ian points out, consent is now being more widely taught, and vitally kids are now taught more about the importance of 'enthusiastic consent', which can only be a good thing in my opinion.
BDSM should always be practised with consent at it's heart. This is fundamental to staying safe. The apparent similarity to non-consensual or abusive sex is an act, a form of play. Consensual non-consent within BDSM is a form of consent, that relies on trust, a high level of prior communication, and safety backstops such as safewords to make sure consent can be withdrawn in a moment.
Please play safe, folks.
MsR wrote:
In terms of Fifty Shades, the books are not my thing but they seem to have brought more acceptance of some sexual preferences (a good thing) but also made pain and bondage during encounters normalised and even expected, (not a good thing). I'm sure other things have contributed.
I bought and like some of the 50 Shades range of toys, but feel a bit guilty about feeding a franchise which I wonder about in terms of whether the harm is has contributed is outweighed by the openness it has brought.
I hope that makes sense.
I totally understand your reservations MsR, but I personally feel pretty relaxed about enjoying the toys and supporting the Fifty Shades franchise.
In my opinion, expectations of pain and rough sex have been normalised far more by freely available extreme porn than by the Fifty Shades stories.
While EL James isn't my favourite writer, and the books have flaws, I'm grateful for their success because it raised the level of awareness of unusual sexual desires, and somewhat broke down taboos.
I for one, feel hopeful that juries in trials involving the 'rough sex defence' are now more likely to be informed and less likely to be adversely judgemental about the victims as a result of the original books' popularity.
I think there's still a long way to go, and many battles to be had, but I'm glad this discussion is happening with more public awareness, and more willingness to talk about trickier topics of sexual desire.
I really dislike the 50 shades of grey rubbish. The writer makes out what Christian does is sexy or appealing and itâs really not. Since when was stalking, harassing and manipulating someone sexy? Which Christian does many times over all 3 books. In a real life situation, you would have police on his backside for it. Me and my partner have never been into bondage, makes us both uncomfortable. When I see porn of women being strangled, it genuinely freaks me out! I personally feel more warnings need to addressed when promoting and selling bondage items. They can be dangerous or deadly if used wrongly.
To be fair ârough sex gone wrongâ is just an excuse, probably as lame as âthey ran in to my knife from someone who stabs their partnerâ or âI got angry and saw redâ. Fifty shades was a terrible book and film which I was always shocked people found it so âextremeâ đ BDSM is more seen yes, but itâs always been there. Consent is a huge thing and actually outside of the online domain of alt sites and chat rooms where everyone pretends they do it 24/7 the likelihood is they actually donât itâs not practical and actually you do tend to build up to the full McCoy because itâs relinquishing power and for that you need trust and thatâs important. Consent, safety safe words itâs a massive part of it. The likelihood is these people are rapists and murderers and they are using the guise of bdsm to just minimise their behaviour. Itâs concerning that they cast a bad light on this particular community.
JD1984 wrote:
To be fair ârough sex gone wrongâ is just an excuse, probably as lame as âthey ran in to my knife from someone who stabs their partnerâ or âI got angry and saw redâ. Fifty shades was a terrible book and film which I was always shocked people found it so âextremeâ đ BDSM is more seen yes, but itâs always been there. Consent is a huge thing and actually outside of the online domain of alt sites and chat rooms where everyone pretends they do it 24/7 the likelihood is they actually donât itâs not practical and actually you do tend to build up to the full McCoy because itâs relinquishing power and for that you need trust and thatâs important. Consent, safety safe words itâs a massive part of it. The likelihood is these people are rapists and murderers and they are using the guise of bdsm to just minimise their behaviour. Itâs concerning that they cast a bad light on this particular community.
Excellent points - thank you.