My partner had been unemployed for two months and money was tight with him. I helped him out a lot in terms of support and job hunting, but also lending him money when needed (we are talking less than £100 over the 2 months). Before he was made redundant, he would treat me all the time so I don't mind lending him money, I know I will get it back.
Anyway, he has just landed himself another job, 16 hours a week. Not much, but something! We went away for a naughty weekend which I paid for as a treat and as a celebration. I thought this would help spice things up in the bedroom as our sex life has diminished over the last couple of months. I put this down to stress over unemployment, but my partner let slip that he feels that being dependant on me has been very hard on him and he doesn't feel as much of a man. He is very proud and feels like he has no control now, so has been controlling our sex life! As in, if I instigate it, he will refuse me just to keep control.
Somewhere in there is logic I am sure but I am finding it hard to understand this. Am I wrong to worry? Should I be questioning this further? I don't feel that any one person should control a relationship. I know we need to sit down and have a conversation about it but I don't really know what to say. Any advice for this strange situation?
Thank you, I am very grateful to you all for reading through this too!
I guess the question is: Are you happy with that? Some are happy to let one partner take control and others are not. There is also a difference I think, between being in control and being controlling.
My opinion (and this is just my opinion) is that if you do not want this, then he is technically punishing you for having something he wants. I personally don't like the sound of this and would not accept this myself because it doesnt seem like a mutual thing that you talked about together and decided he would be in control, he just made that decision on both of your behalf, whether you liked it or not. I am unsure if it is a jealousy thing or a pride thing but basically it sounds like instead of making himself feel better, he has decided to try and make you feel worse or "out of control" too. For what benefit? maybe to even the keel so he feels "more like a man" but you are supporting him through his hard times and if his immediate response is to punish or upset you so that he can feel better about himself then....well....thats not good imo.
Yes we all do silly things, selfish things and illogical things when our emotions are running high or we feel out of control, so if this was me in your situation I would probably try to communicate with him and let him know how it feels and explain why it makes me feel like that. I would not go arguing but neither would I personally accept this for the long term. I mean, I would be imagining the future and what happens if something bad happens then? Will be go back to punishing you if you have more success at anything, just to make himself feel stronger? and so on. Those would be my concerns.
I guess it sucks when we feel that we don't live up to certain expectations. It is hard wired into our brains, men must be the providers and the strong ones and women should be attractive and agreeable and oh all the rest of the "rules" and when we don't fit into them it makes us feel like we are not worth it. It makes us feel depressed. However, you have the choice to reach out and lean on your loved one for support and work together or to stay quiet, be bitter and punish them for their success. One will work out well, the other will fail.
Good luck anyway. I would suggest being honest with him if this makes you feel bad and seeing if you can work it out together once he understands your feelings as you do his. x
Fluffbags wrote:
I guess the question is: Are you happy with that? Some are happy to let one partner take control and others are not. There is also a difference I think, between being in control and being controlling.
My opinion (and this is just my opinion) is that if you do not want this, then he is technically punishing you for having something he wants. I personally don't like the sound of this and would not accept this myself because it doesnt seem like a mutual thing that you talked about together and decided he would be in control, he just made that decision on both of your behalf, whether you liked it or not. I am unsure if it is a jealousy thing or a pride thing but basically it sounds like instead of making himself feel better, he has decided to try and make you feel worse or "out of control" too. For what benefit? maybe to even the keel so he feels "more like a man" but you are supporting him through his hard times and if his immediate response is to punish or upset you so that he can feel better about himself then....well....thats not good imo.
Yes we all do silly things, selfish things and illogical things when our emotions are running high or we feel out of control, so if this was me in your situation I would probably try to communicate with him and let him know how it feels and explain why it makes me feel like that. I would not go arguing but neither would I personally accept this for the long term. I mean, I would be imagining the future and what happens if something bad happens then? Will be go back to punishing you if you have more success at anything, just to make himself feel stronger? and so on. Those would be my concerns.
I guess it sucks when we feel that we don't live up to certain expectations. It is hard wired into our brains, men must be the providers and the strong ones and women should be attractive and agreeable and oh all the rest of the "rules" and when we don't fit into them it makes us feel like we are not worth it. It makes us feel depressed. However, you have the choice to reach out and lean on your loved one for support and work together or to stay quiet, be bitter and punish them for their success. One will work out well, the other will fail.
Good luck anyway. I would suggest being honest with him if this makes you feel bad and seeing if you can work it out together once he understands your feelings as you do his. x
I agree with Fluffbags too - very well said - and you both really do need to talk about this. Communication and trust are the most important parts of a relationship. I hope you work things out Hun :) xx
Hi JB sorry to hear about your troubles. Great advice from Fluffbags as always. You have been very supportive and caring. It is form of depression, as Fluffbags said how we are wired is a strange thing. Because he cannot provide he is in self denial.
I am sure he doesn't mean to treat you badly. If he is an Alfa male this will of put a huge dent in his self confidence. Communication is the biggest thing. If he cannot find a good job soon , might I suggest some voluntary work or a good hobby whilst searching to give him some self worth.
One thing I can assure you, when you come out the other side of this. He will think the world of you for your support in this troubled time. Good luck and chin up.