Hi all, Been a while since we have been on here but with moving etc we have been super busy however..... I need some advice please. The last few times about 3 or 4 now me and the missus have had intercourse she has had to ask.me to stop because she has been in pain this isn't necessarily a new thing but she can tear easily down below so gets a sharp stinging pain. Also to add to this in those last few times we have stopped i haven't managed to ejaculate either which is getting her down and blaming herself! For instance the last time she managed to go a lot longer than usual but I still didn't get to ejaculate how can I reassure her this isn't because of her. Her confidence is just starting to pick up again after managing to lose 5.5 stone in around a year!! Many thanks in advance and sorry for the long post.
Evening .....
welll that don’t sound like fun...However there is always something that can be done no matter how bad it may seem.....
i guess firstly ..she should see a doc encase of a undoing issue that could be hidden and a reason. Our ladies health is everything to us ... so drag by the heels of must x
and your doing an brill job at making sure she knows it’s not to bring her down ...think your a bloooming star for that ...
lastly ......I guess you maybe using lube ...if not so try see if fingers work with out pain .. maybe more to a toy and so forth.....
do so hope your two are able to sort it out and get back to the worry free love making again
xxx
Different positions may be more comfortable for her, especially if she's on top and has more control over depth and angle. Losing such a significant amount of weight will have an effect on this too, so some of your old favourites may not be as pleasurable for her as they used to be.
Ejaculating is fun, but PIV is not the only way to get there. Have you tried mixing it up a bit with blowjobs/handjobs? This could be useful until you find more comfortable positions. And ideally you don't want to wait until she's had a tear before pulling out as this will be a real mood killer.
If she's naturally a little too tight for you she could warm up with a dildo that's a more comfortable fit for her. This can help relax the muscles and allow for more girth.
And if you're not using lube I'd invest in some of that too. 🙂👍
I had a small vaginal tear for ages and it wasn't nice at all. I went to the doctors and followed their advice but nothing worked. It was only a small tear but it really stung during sex.
Maybe her type of tear is different to mine so I hope this makes sense when I explain...ahem...
When the vagina is normal/closed, the tear is together like this: "I". However, when I had sex, the tear would split and open like this: "V". When the vagina is healing it goes back to this: "I". So basically it was healing together and spliting over and over (IVIVIVIVI). I needed a way for the two cuts to heal separately instead of joining together again.
I did this by just wearing kegel weights for a few hours and it seemed to do the trick. They kept the tear like this "V" just enough for it to heal like that. After this a few times, that pain did not come back. Yay!
Like I said, her tear could be totally different but this one worked for me. Mine was on the bottom..err..."corner" of my vagina.
I think also expecting the pain during sex made things worse and made me less relaxed. I started using penetrative toys at around the same time at different sizes and got to know my body more. The more I felt comfortable, the more I associated sex/penetration with pleasure rather than pain.
Do you use lube?
I lost quite a bit of weight quickly due to illness a many years ago and it cocked up my hormones. My oestrogen levels were lowered due to the fat loss (according to my GP). She explained that fat itself helps with oestrogen production and when lowered it can cause temporary vaginal dryness.
I'd suggest lube and shallow penetration positions to start with. Also, to avoid too much friction, maybe you could use hand/blow jobs before so you can ejaculate quicker.
I have a semen allergy (it's fairly mild with my OH but was awful with my ex - seems my vag was desperately trying to tell me to get rid of him. Wish I'd listened!). We don't use condoms all the time as I also have a latex allergy and it gets costly. What I found was using condoms for the "last leg" prevented soreness.
It could be anything or everything. Trial and error will rule out underlying factors like allergy or even a bit of dryness. She might also be one of those women who has delicate tissue so if you try everything else, a trip to the GP or GUM clinic might see her being advised to use a local oestrogen gel, especially if she's peri-menopause or menopause age.
Good luck.
Agree with everyone's advice here. Just to add that if your wife is mid-30s or older then hormonal changes can make vaginal walls thinner and less stretchy, which can lead to pain and tears.
Lots of good lube, and a trip to the GP: Vagifem vaginal pessaries are an estrogen supplement and are usually ok even if other forms of hormone treatment (the pill, hrt) are not. They go a long way towards helping maintain a 'young' vagina.
Also, there is a vaginal moisturiser called Replens - available from Boots or on prescription. It can be used daily and also just before sex as an addition to lube. It doesn't upset the delicate balance of the vaginal environment (some douchesetc can make these issues worse - best avoided).
Good luck!
Thank you all for your super advice. Aww thank you Therampenttwo I am certainly not one to put someone down especially the wife :). I think Hunnymonster is pretty on point with how you described your tear to the wife's as it seems to be tearing at the bottom where the vagina joins the skin between the 2 holes. The wife will be 30 next year and also thinking more when these issues started was after child birth and she quite a big tear and had to be stitched up. With positions she seems more comfortable on top but then has this factor in her head that she is going to squish me I am about 9st. I keep trying to reassure her she won't which seems to help briefly.
jayandrach wrote:
With positions she seems more comfortable on top but then has this factor in her head that she is going to squish me I am about 9st. I keep trying to reassure her she won't which seems to help briefly.
It's not something I've used myself yet, but this chair position enhancer has been mentioned a few times as a great aid to open up different possibilities, especially if there's a size difference:
https://www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm?p=30776 (out of stock at the moment, but you can get an email reminder for when it comes back in).
And this is a non-Lovehoney guide to some different ways you can use it: 🙂👍
https://sexstoolmuse.com/positions/
I hope you find something that works. 🙂
Ouch! Tearing / cutting and stitches after childbirth is very likely to be a contributiong factor, along with the accompanying scar tissue. Some of it might be psychological / memories too. Sympathies to you both. Go gently with lots of lube, find the best positions, keep positive with each other. I don't think this is uncommon but I think a lot of people just give up, so good for you for finding your way... Good luck!
I'd suggest that missionary might not be best - your weight will be on her tender spot. Her on top might be better but if that concerns her, maybe try you behind? Or spooning?
PS if she prefers you on top, then you could try adapting this: a pillow under her hips to raise her up a bit, then you kneel with her thighs over yours and you lean forward while she lies on her back - a sort of moderated missionary style which takes the weight off her perineum? This way you would be face-to-face and chest-to-chest, arms free to cuddle or tease. But your legs would be folded to take the weight on your knees rather than stretched out. This is our 'go to' for finishing, as my OH is heavier than me and I have issues with a delicate perineum. I don't know if I have explained it very well!