I don't think he's done anything wrong as of yet. He's told someone his fantasy, that he doesn't know and can't contact? Isn't that what we do? Maybe he just needed to say it and get it off his chest. What was the ad for?.
I haven't been able to find the actual ad.
But the email subject was "Dom and Sub"
In the email my OH says "your wishlist reads very nicely to me indeed. I have some experience of this sort of combination and love to see both a woman coming over and over again as well as submitting sensually to a sexy lady who is wanting to do to me what I have done to her by taking my ass and giving me a good seeing to."
I know I need to talk to him, and I guess if this is the end of the relationship then it is better to find out now.
I also know I am bad for staying in relationships that aren't great because I'm frightened of ending up lonely. I did it with my ex for far too long.
I do also know he can do vanilla because he was with his ex for 5yrs and I'm 99% sure that was a vanilla realtionship!
The fact that he answered this ad is a massive red flag in your relationship. Yes, he may have thought that you'd be disgusted with his sexual needs but to go behind your back seemingly seeking another woman to indulge in this with him is so wrong and has probably destroyed the trust you have in him. Yes it's all just words now but what's the next step?
Everyone has different needs but if you can't share these with someone you love then what does that say about your relationship.
Personally I'd put off any plans to move in until you've talked about this. As others have said maybe it's a bit of a fantasy and maybe he just got a thrill out of writing this to a woman but it's still wrong and hurtful. It is better to find out now rather than years down the line and if you feel unable to trust him then you'd be better off on your own.
You come across as being very calm over this, I'd be furious! In fact I don't think I'd be allowed to say on here what I'd do to my husband if he ever behaved like this!
You come across as being very calm over this, I'd be furious! In fact I don't think I'd be allowed to say on here what I'd do to my husband if he ever behaved like this!
I guess I'm still a bit in shock!! I felt sick when I read the email.
Like I said, all has been good until I read this email this morning.
I know this is silly but everyone says how lovely he is, all my friends he's met think he's fab and everyone says how happy we are. So if this is the end I really dread telling people, I can't exactly tell them why either!!
I just wanted to get other peoples POV hence posting on here.
I guess I'm hoping we can work through this but I know it needs to be addressed and I know that might mean the end of the relationship.
Yeah I bet you are and I really feel for you over this . Yes, he has a side that other people don't know about but you've done nothing wrong, though I can fully understand how you'd be embaressed to tell anyone else. If you do decide to end the relationship you don't have to go in to detail when you tell other people, couples split for all sorts of reasons, you can just say that things weren't working out and leave it at that.
Ah right. That sounds like a woman's said she's looking for a partner and said what she wants and he's replied showing interest in taking part. You need to discuss it, but if you go in too strong he'll go on the defensive and you won't get any answers, if you go in too soft he'll think he can get away with it and you won't get any true answers.
Ah right. That sounds like a woman's said she's looking for a partner and said what she wants and he's replied showing interest in taking part. You need to discuss it, but if you go in too strong he'll go on the defensive and you won't get any answers, if you go in too soft he'll think he can get away with it and you won't get any true answers.
So any advce on how to discuss it?!!
ATM I'm thinking when he comes home from work asking if he's happy in the realtionship, then explaining I found the email and asking why he sent it. I want to know why he hasn't discussed these things with me and I also want to know would he have gone through with anything (Though I know he could easily answer no even if he was). I want him to know that I do love him but he has hurt me. Does that sound like the right kind of balance?
I am a bit worried it'll end up in tears and a long discussion/row and we won't properly resolve it before I go to work, but I also know I can't leave this festering for a week.
in all honest though I'm not sure how much there really is to discuss, but then it depends on your definition of cheating. To me (and luckily my partner as well!) even if it's 'only' virtual, it's still cheating. I personally wouldn't hang around for more, but that's a decision only you can make. I hope you get the answers you're looking for x
Frig me if I found an email on my husbands computer looking to arrange a sub/dom experience I wouldn't be worrying about how to tell him I found it. I would be more concerned about how I could kill him and no get arrested.
You say you are on the verge of moving in.... Bad idea! You clearly don't no each other well enough.
And if he's emailed this person who says he's not done it before: for all you know he's been cheating the entire time you where together . Sorry to be blunt but I think you should get rid of him .... Fast
I'm going to say up front that I'm not really sure what Craiglist is, but at the moment this guy is innocent as far as I can tell.
Yes he has emailed someone else some explicit words, but who here amongst us doesn't occasionally have a fantasy that doesn't involve their partner? Let he without sin cast the first stone!
This guy has what are actually some pretty common male fantasies, and a partner who isn't quite ready to meet those desires yet, there is absolutely no harm in him sating his curiousity with the written word.
I think what you need to be absolutely clear about is INTENT. If he is just quenching his need in a harmless manner until you are able to do it for real then where is the problem? Is it any different to reading erotic literature and imagining yourself as the female lead?
Oh, one more thing, life is short, cut down your hang-ups and enjoy yourself
Agreed, but it should also be measured against the dynamic of the relationship. It's entirely possible that he had no intention of meeting anyone else and was just getting off on the fantasy, but it's still interacting on a sexual level with someone else.
It's up to that couple whether or not that counts as cheating on some level in itself.
I wasn't sure what to say in this thread but if I had endured what you have then this is what I would have done!!
(1) Confront him over it (2) Show him the things you had bought. (3) asked him to leave and not to contact you for a week.
Now that would give me time to think is the relationship with saving or am I just a pawn of his. And if he wants to go behind your back then check up what he's doing whilst in the week if he's all over someone else then you have your answer. It harsh but hey you need to know and as he's been on Craigslist behind your back fuck him sorry. My view sorry. Best of luck though be strong bless you x
Given the timing its likely the conversation has happened. Given that, I'll simply say I hope it helped one way or another and at the last you know exactly what's happened. Can't imagine it will have been easy.
Thanks for all the replies. So when he got home from work I said we needed to talk, I asked him if he was happy and he said yes he's the happiest he's been in a long time. I said I'd seen the email he sent last night, he said what email, I said the one replying to an advert. He denied knowing what I was on about. I said if he wasn't going to be honest then there was no point talking about it. He grabbed his I pad to have a look and found said email and looked genuinely horrified. He said he didn't send it and rushed downstairs, changed all his passwords and ran a virus scan which did pick something up. He's either a very very good actor or he's telling the truth. He was gutted, shaking and crying and saying he can't lose me. He let me look at his Internet history where there was no sign of Craigslist. So I don't think he's done anything and I think we're ok.
People don't typically take over someones machine with malware just to write emails to Craigslist. To me, it sounds like someone like a friend has had access to his machine and written it as a 'prank'.
Did you ask him if that's what he's into? If he is, it sounds like he's a very good liar. I haven't heard of any viruses that send reply emails to Craigslist!!