A little advice anyone

Sex Tips & Talk
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Hey everyone. Hoping maybe some of you wonderful folk could throw me a bit of your worldly wisdom.

Me and my man really enjoy a dom/sub relationship. We are incredibly open with eachother. He usually take the dom role but does like to switch things up.

I am more than happy to oblige him, but I am way less confident in a dom role and sometimes feel a little unsure of what to do.

Do any of you fabulous people have any tips or thoughts on how to be a little more confident for him. Not that he has ever complained at all about what I do, but I think I would feel better going into it with more bravado!

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Thankyou so much for the reply. Sometimes I do. But again it is usually something he has pre picked out. So maybe I should get something and not let him have that say!

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Hi Jessie,

If, as you say, the two of you are really open with each other about your needs, this idea may be a bit “been there, done that”, but…

In a non-sexual setting, try asking your guy to tell you a story: to describe, in slow, intricate detail, a dom/sub fantasy scenario that really does it for him. Tell him to take his time, to leave no stone unturned, to describe not just the actions but the things said, to revel in the step-by-step journey of it all.

This process will enable you to gain an insight into the movie running in his head, to get a feel for how he wants to be spoken to, the tone of voice he’d like you to use and the attitude he needs you to take …and a whole bunch of other stuff besides. This way, explaining his needs doesn’t just consist of a blunt list of “do this to me, do that”.

Hope that helps!
PD x

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This is amazing advice. Thankyou so much. Plus as we can not see eachother at the moment due to lockdown it would be a fun activity to do one evening over the phone. We can induldge each other and make an evening out of it. Thankyou so much once again!

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Hi @Jessie24!

I wouldn’t worry at all if I were you - I think that it is very normal some people to feel somewhat self-conscious when first starting to explore more dominant or submissive roles. Although it can come naturally to some people, not everyone is comfortable with the idea straight away!

If you feel that perhaps you may lack confidence while adopting this more dominant role, one idea that you may like to try could be using a different name when being the dominant partner. This is in effect like creating a character - by choosing a name which you can associate with pure confidence, dominance and sexiness in this context specifically, you may find it easier to act in this more dominant way.

Perhaps this would make it more natural for you in the meantime, while you continue to explore this relatively new side of yourself? You could also pair it with special clothing, as @Dsafo suggested, to really make you feel more confident in this role.

Hope this helps!

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Oh wow! - if you’re only able to do stuff over the phone, what a wonderful opportunity for you to ease yourself into the role of dominatrix by dominating him verbally, based on what he describes of how he would like to be talked to by his domme. Have fun! :slightly_smiling_face:

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I definitely agree with the advice so far. Sharing fantasies is a great way to explore ideas. As you can’t be together right now, you could also set him little tasks like writing a fantasy down and sending it to you or for him to send you something to inspire you, be it a picture, a writing, some info on a particular kink or even some porn (or hot scene in a non porn movie or show).

Make sure you do at some point discuss limits and boundaries, just to make sure you don’t go too far (or not far enough!). Subject to those I would suggest:

Blindfolds are great. It will add to his anticipation and also give you a little space if you aren’t sure what to do next.

Restraints are good. You don’t necessarily need to delve too much into more complicated bondage (unless you want to) so something like an under mattress restraint is perfect. Telling him off for trying to reach you or wiggling too much (or praising him for being still) just reminds him (and you!) who is in charge right now.

You don’t have to go too far away from your comfort zone. Is there a particular thing you like him to do for you (sex act, something sensual, whatever)? If so, tell him that he is to do that. Or if there is something you really love doing to him, tell him you are going to do that to him until he begs you to stop.

Don’t try to throw loads of new elements in all at once. Less is more in this case.

Have him ask permission to do things such as “can I sit on the bed next to you?” “Can I kiss you?” “Can I touch you” etc. You don’t have to deny him (unless you want to) but just having him ask before he does just asserts your authority gently.

Text him instructions beforehand like reminding him of time and place and not to be late or telling him what to wear (even if you don’t plan the whole outfit, just say you want him to wear a particular colour or whatever).

But the best advice I can give is don’t stress too much. If it goes a bit wrong, it goes a bit wrong. If you get a fit of giggles, cuddle up to him and giggle together, if you forget everything you were planning to do declare that as you are the dominant one it is his job to pamper and serve you so he best get on with giving you the best night of your life!

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Hi @Jessie24, it’s great that you’re seeking out advice :+1:

I agree with others that a good open conversation outside of the bedroom would be very good. It’ll give you ideas on what he likes.amd what he wants.

However, for you to enjoy a session you’ll need to feel confident. A few suggestions already mentioned, including blindfolds, will help take the pressure off you.

For me, I feel that as a Dom you need to push your sub to their limit. A good pain and pleasure session to show that you are in control. For example, tie his hands and blindfold. Play with his cock and balls for a bit to arouse him and then try some nipple play, tweaking his nipples and gradually increasing the pain. See how he reacts and try increasing the pain. Most importantly, smile while you’re doing it and tell him you enjoy watching him wriggle.

Can also do the same with spanking. Add in some fingering for pleasure.

Enjoy and have fun :grinning:

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Hi!

Everyone so far has given some amazing advice and I completely mirror it all.

I think taking a dominant role in a non sexual context first will definitely help you. As you can’t see each other due to lockdown, maybe have him double check with you the clothes he’s wearing to see if you give permission, have him talk through what he would like from you in the future, have him ask permission to do certain things, etc.

I think it’ll really help you to just talk. It’s helped with me and my partner over time. I’m quite an anxious person and it takes a lot for me to say exactly what I want, but with perseverance I’ve got there and can ask for exactly what will satisfy me. Maybe voice call each other and tell him what you’d like to do with him. Really push yourself based on what he said he wants, and what would also please you. Make sure that you’re always comfortable- you can always stop if you want to. Definitely have a safeword regardless of the situation.

Introduce ideas gradually and check back up on each other frequently to see the other parties opinions and thoughts so far, and what else they want.

When you can see each other, I completely agree with others with the use of blindfolds. It gives you that security that you can figure out what you’re doing without the pressure of eyes closely watching you, and also builds up his anticipation for whatever you’ll do to him. I love a feather tickler as it’s a great entry level piece to start playing around with your sense of control without being too much. Lingerie really can add a newfound confidence and can make you feel different depending on how you’re dressed, so definitely look into that too. I’d suggest these as examples:

None are too threatening, so it could really benefit you.

Above all, make sure you have fun. If one of you isn’t happy, make sure you say. As difficult as it can be, don’t get yourself too stressed. Ultimately you’re both happy with each other, and there shouldn’t be any judgement if there’s any slip ups. Laugh and move on, no ones perfect at first and we’re only human! It’s just part of finding what works for us.

Some essentials:

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Oh my goodness you wonderful bunch of humans. Fabulous advice from all of you.

I def have some ideas to try. We have literally a brimming toy box full of restraints and shibari rope, spreader bars, paddles, gags, hoods you name it as that is what typically he uses with me.

We tend to have safe signals rather than a safe word as that is easier when gagged, obviously.

He is so epic, and we are so open, nothing typically phases us if stuff goes wrong or ends up hysterically funny, we are totally able to just laugh at ourselves. Which in itself is a HUGE help.

I think it is more a confidence thing for me. I am naturally a sub. But got some really good tips from you guys to try and help that a bit. Thankyou all SO much x

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Hi @Jessie24. I agree with what everyone has said in this room. Confidence and trust are the biggest things to conquer but as the saying goes practice makes perfect. My wife loves the dom role, it’s a massive turn on for me. Happy playing :wink:

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It sounds like you have had some great advice and I am sure you will enjoy acting on some of them. Enjoy.

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Hi Jessie,

I don’t know if this will be of much use but I have a similar ‘issue’ and posted this which got lots of great responses which may or may not be applicable to you!

https://lovehoneyforum.com/t/hi-from-a-newbie-how-to-get-partner-more-dominant/260956/13

I’m sure you’ll get there in the end! If your man is anything like me he’d really appreciate and open up about his desires if it’s you who asks the question rather than him worrying about forcing ideas on you.

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Thank you so much @SubCharles for such a lovely post. I will definatly have a read through that post.

He always tells me to do the things I know he likes and just have fun with it. I am getting a bit better at it. I think I feel a bit intimidated as he is SO good when he does it and has been exploring that side of his nature a lot longer than I have.

Thank you again for your kindness :slight_smile:

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This may give you some ideas for role play

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https://maximonline.com/sex-and-dating/30-kinky-bdsm-ideas-to-try-with-your-so-tonight/

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These are fab suggestions thank you so much!

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