First time posting on the lovehoney forum but I could do with some advice.
This mornig I found an email my OH had sent in response to a craigslist advert. He sent it yesterday evening whilst I was at work. The craigslist advert obviously had a list of things this woman wanted to do/have done. His email is along the lines of he likes seeing a woman cum over and over again, likes dominating her and then being dominated and having his ass taken with the woman doing to him what he's just done to her. The subject line of the email was sub/dom.
I'm obviously very hurt he's sent his email. We've been together 8 months and I thought everything, including our sex life was good.
The thing is I'd be happy to do all this stuff if he just asked me! He never really has!!
I know he's into ass play which I've never really done before but am trying for him. Fingers are fine at the moment but I know he wants more. So I did recently buy some beads and a plug from lovehoney, but we've not had chance to use it yet and he doesn't know I've bought them. I kinda feel I want to try them on my own first!
So what do I do?
Do I just ask him one night what his fantasies are? Anything he wants to do in the bedroom? Show him my new toys and say lets play?!
I actually thought it was me that was more frustrated than him because he doesn't seem to want sex in the week due to wantig to go to sleep for work, if ever I try anything in the week he pushes me away so I've given up. But when we have sex at the weekends it's good.
Any advice about what you would do, what I should do would be great! And how to bring this things into conversation, because I like trying things but am not so good at talking about them!
You are right in identifying that you guys need to talk, so you need to find time to do just that, this isn't something you "bring up" in conversation, it's a whole conversation of it's own, with it's own time to reach a natural conclusion.
You need to be honest with him, and encourage him to be honest with you; yes talk about fantasies. Whether to bring up the email is something only you can decide based on what you know of him.
Remember it's a two way street - he wants this this and this, but you have to balance that with what you want
8 months isn't long at all, there's so much you have let to learn about each other, he's probably nervous about telling you he wants this stuff, he may expect you to recoil in disgust and accuse him of being gay. I think it's really good you've seen this, you know what he wants, you can now approach it softly, tell him you saw it and that you'd love to do it for him, don't take offence, this is the perfect opportunity to show him how he can open up to you. If you're not good at talking just buy a strap on, show him and say, "I saw what you wrote on Craigslist, I love it, let's do it!" That is of course if you're open to using a stap on on him
To be totally honest, what I would do is dump him! Sexual fetishes that you can't live up to at the moment, is absolutely no excuse to be cheating on you!
Yes, you need to communicate, but do you really want to be with someone who would go behind your back for sex? I certainly wouldn't.
I agree with both Sub and Mrs /: Not gonna lie, if I found out my partner of eight months was actively seeking sex behind my back without having asked if I'd indulge his fantasies, I'd dump his ass so fast he wouldn't know what hit him. Cheating is inexcusable, more so when clearly planned out.
Conversely. You may be open to polyarmoury, or at least sharing him sexually. At which point you need to have the conversation of "Yes this is okay but you have to talk to me about it first!" And the you can think about indulging his fantasies and playing out kinks. But if you can't address it, your relationship is going to end up a tangled mess of secrets. And noone wants that.
So yeah. Kudos for knowing you have to talk about it. A lot of people don't seem to realise that... Sit him down, make him a drink, talk. It probably won't be pleasant. You'll probably get accused of not trusting him so snooping on his email... Just say it was left open in the web browser etc. But the sooner you get it over with, the better.
I know I shouldn't have read the email and I'm worried if I mention that it'll get turned round for me being the bad person reading the email. I use his Ipad to play games and go on the net so he's not really been that careful!!
I am totally gutted and don't really know what to feel. He is an awesome guy and I was really thinking he was the one. I really didn't think he'd cheat on me. And I don't think he has cheated on me. I wonder when he'd get the chance, but I guess when I'm at work becasue I work shifts.
Has he just got an itch he's desperate to scratch?
I thought he knew I was open to most things.
I'm in the process of moving in with him, I spend all my time at his and am slowly bringing more stuff over and we have discussed me moving in, I just haven't officially given up my place yet.
As I'm moving over I mentioned I'd brought my toys over but we haven't had chance to use them yet.
This has come at a really bad time too because I am working a week of nights starting tonight so don't know when to bring this up.
Was thinking of sending him a text when I get into bed for a few hours kip saying I wish he was here to play with my new toys and maybe encouraging him to come wake me up... Not sure if he would though!!
Conversely. You may be open to polyarmoury, or at least sharing him sexually. At which point you need to have the conversation of "Yes this is okay but you have to talk to me about it first!" And the you can think about indulging his fantasies and playing out kinks. But if you can't address it, your relationship is going to end up a tangled mess of secrets. And noone wants that.
I don't think I'd like Polyarmoury.
Yes I need to bring this up don't I? Otherwise it's going to eat me up inside.
I know I shouldn't have read the email and I'm worried if I mention that it'll get turned round for me being the bad person reading the email. I use his Ipad to play games and go on the net so he's not really been that careful!!
I am totally gutted and don't really know what to feel. He is an awesome guy and I was really thinking he was the one. I really didn't think he'd cheat on me. And I don't think he has cheated on me. I wonder when he'd get the chance, but I guess when I'm at work becasue I work shifts.
Has he just got an itch he's desperate to scratch?
I thought he knew I was open to most things.
I'm in the process of moving in with him, I spend all my time at his and am slowly bringing more stuff over and we have discussed me moving in, I just haven't officially given up my place yet. As I'm moving over I mentioned I'd brought my toys over but we haven't had chance to use them yet.
This has come at a really bad time too because I am working a week of nights starting tonight so don't know when to bring this up. Was thinking of sending him a text when I get into bed for a few hours kip saying I wish he was here to play with my new toys and maybe encouraging him to come wake me up... Not sure if he would though!!
So you don't even have to lie: the email popped up when you were playing games, it opened accidentally when you tried to dismiss it *shrugs* Everyone knows tablets are temperamental.
That you're considering moving in is all the more reason to do this sooner rather than later. I'd definitely hold on to your place for a while, in case this gets sticky and you no longer want to live/be with him, or don't want to live with him as soon, to ensure he's going to be faithful etc. You want to make sure you're going to be safe and secure above anything else.
So do I just blurt out I saw the email you sent last night responding to craigslist ad? Or do I go in more gently asking if he's happy with our relationship, sex life etc then bring up the email?
Do I do it tonight in the couple of hours we have together before I go to work or do I wait a week before saying anything?
It sounds like you're not even bothered that he was going to go off and have sex with someone else...you're still just trying to encourage him to use toys together!! Before you do anything you need to talk about him cheating on you, you don't think he's done anything so far, but how can you be sure?
Yes, you do need to talk to him and you need to open your eyes wide and see that he's taking you for a ride! He obviously isn't that "awesome" if he's willing to cheat on you. You don't deserve that!
Do not waste any time!!! Tell him as soon as you see him that you're not happy he's willing to cheat on you. Are you really not even upset he wants to sleep with other people?!
Do not waste any time!!! Tell him as soon as you see him that you're not happy he's willing to cheat on you. Are you really not even upset he wants to sleep with other people?!
+1
"Hi honey, we need to talk about our relationship. I saw an email of yours last night and Im not happy about you possibly cheating" aaaaand discuss.
Your want of using toys is kinds irrelevant right now, or you're gonna be walked all over.
It sounds like you're not even bothered that he was going to go off and have sex with someone else...you're still just trying to encourage him to use toys together!! Before you do anything you need to talk about him cheating on you, you don't think he's done anything so far, but how can you be sure?
Yes, you do need to talk to him and you need to open your eyes wide and see that he's taking you for a ride! He obviously isn't that "awesome" if he's willing to cheat on you. You don't deserve that!
No, I am bothered he's replied to an ad for sex so was at least consdering having sexual contact with someone.
I'm just trying to explain where we're at in our relationship.
I don't know what to do. Before I read this email this morning he was the perfect guy, I still believe he loves me. And I do believe this email was just about sex. Though I know that is still wrong and I wish he'd talked about these things with me.
I am gutted and angry but I don't know whether I want to throw away the whole relationship because of this one email.
I guess we just need to talk and see what is said and where it goes.
Do not waste any time!!! Tell him as soon as you see him that you're not happy he's willing to cheat on you. Are you really not even upset he wants to sleep with other people?!
Yes I am! I'm gutted!
Ok, as soon as he comes home tonight I'll try and talk to him. Should have a couple of hours before I go to work.
Aaarrgghh! Really do't want to do this before I go to work because I know I'm going to get upset.
I'm going to say up front that I'm not really sure what Craiglist is, but at the moment this guy is innocent as far as I can tell.
Yes he has emailed someone else some explicit words, but who here amongst us doesn't occasionally have a fantasy that doesn't involve their partner? Let he without sin cast the first stone!
This guy has what are actually some pretty common male fantasies, and a partner who isn't quite ready to meet those desires yet, there is absolutely no harm in him sating his curiousity with the written word.
I think what you need to be absolutely clear about is INTENT. If he is just quenching his need in a harmless manner until you are able to do it for real then where is the problem? Is it any different to reading erotic literature and imagining yourself as the female lead?
Oh, one more thing, life is short, cut down your hang-ups and enjoy yourself
Perspective. You dont talk to him as "you dont want to throw the relationship over one email". A year down the line, you're still not having much sex, are a bit down, ans he doesnt treat you like a princess anymore. You come home from work- you live with him now- and theres another woman in your bed.
What happens then? You stay and be used? Or you leave? But you'd no longer have your own place and the hurt would be so much worse. Deal with it now. If it chucks the relationship, so what. He's clearly not a person particularly suited to you in terms of a long term relationship.
Edit, sub: Craigslist isn't that sort of site. Part of the terms is confirming you are actively seeking, and able to fulfil any deal you propose or enter into.
I don't think he's done anything wrong as of yet. He's told someone his fantasy, that he doesn't know and can't contact? Isn't that what we do? Maybe he just needed to say it and get it off his chest. What was the ad for?.