I’ve been married to my wife for 9 years and all in all we have a good sex life. The physical act of having sex is great - but getting started is often awkward and weird. I am ALWAYS the one who initiates and have been quite trusting and transparent about likes, dislikes and so on. I am a pretty self-less lover (which turns me on), but recently I feel there is something/one else in the bedroom. It’s a weird thing to describe, but as if my wife is not being true to herself. A few examples and again it’s hard to describe these abstractly but things which after a long term relationship seem odd - I can’t put my finger on it, but my gut is telling me something is “off”.
My wife will wear nice underwear to go out with friends/work do, but when going out with me will wear awful period pants!
Things that she knows I love (tights for example) she will wear, which I would see as a “bid” but tear off at the end of the day instead of letting me massage her or undress her.
Will masturbate with vibrators frequently (at least once a week) - but will tell me about it - she could have kept that secret - so that confuses me.
Has never told me about any kinks, fetishes or things she thinks about during masturbation
Listens to the things I like, but brushes off any attempt to pursue.
Never puts me first in the bedroom
We have tried to talk about these issues several times over the past year or two but no progress ever gets made. I have suggested counselling but we have yet to start.
The work do vs going out with you pants thing may be because she feels the need to be in competition with female colleagues when out, so no visible pantyline etc and often at such functions women go to the toilet in groups, and she needs to have posh underwear on. With you she feels comfortable and doesn’t feel she needs to impress you. Women can be very competitive and judgemental especially work colleagues, when it comes to hair, make-up and dress when out on work do’s.
The other stuff like what she thinks about whilst masturbating, she may not feel as comfortable as you do in revealing it? Some things she might want to keep personal.
We are all different and have different levels of what we are comfortable revealing to our partners when it comes to kinks and likes and dislikes and there are different levels of how adventurous we are, and it’s rare that all those things match exactly.
So yes, I think you are probably overthinking things leading to a bit of paranoia.
Thanks…yeah unfortunately both of those points we’ve been down…which is making me frustrated in myself (for being paranoid and not being able to articulate the issue to her) and also the fact she seems to ignore my compliments or hints.
I guess to add…ignoring my compliments is fine…but then it’s not replaced by something she does feel comfortable with…if indeed I was making her uncomfortable. I guess that is the bit really which is hurting - the lack of interest or response to me.
Inevitably after 9 years you’ve both changed a little, the relationship dynamic will certainly have changed and your wife may be seeking more attention or just trying things out for herself - that’s why we are all on the Lovehoney forum you could say! The last three years have been somewhat different for all of us would you not agree?
Personally I’d seek to spend more time with your wife going out and doing things you may not have done for a while together or at least start with getting a weekend away.
Chances are you’ve nothing to worry about but this in itself gives the opportunity for relaxed conversation and will present an opportunity for you to talk and gauge things better.
Fingers crossed for you both
Sounds a bit like my situation. Two things I’ll mention that helped me. The first was that it’s really easy to just feel comfortable and in a routine with your partner. The day-to-day stuff can just kinda win and it’s hard to break that. Find a way to break that. The second (and this was a major one for me, so take no offense please) is that it’s one thing to say something, it’s another to really be heard. I said a lot to my wife about my frustrations, desires, etc. for literally years but hadn’t done a dedicated sit down, “this is how I feel and this is how it’s impacting me” session with her, even though it was all geared towards pleasing her and wanting to feel connected. I dropped hints in passing, I’d mention it during or after we would have sex, I would try to talk about it if the topic came up some other way. Nothing worked until I actually wrote out what I wanted to say, practiced it to myself so I knew all my points I wanted to hit, and sat down with her. She acknowledged that she heard the passing comments but never really put it all together, and I put the blame on myself for that. It did get better after that conversation.
So my advice would be write out how you feel and what you want to say, and read it a few times. Once you know it all, sit down and have a conversation.
As you’ve been with your wife for many years, that kinda makes you the best expert on knowing if something feels off and if your generally getting that gut feeling then I’d say trust in yourself about it and ask her these questions… know you’ve said you’ve tried talking and nothing happens but casually keep at it and allow the communication to stay open on this…
Other than couples therapy and trying to spice things up I’m not sure what else to advise
Sounds like you two need to put some time aside to talk heart to heart.
Ask her how she feels about your relationship. Is she happy? Is anything missing? Do you have shared values and dreams? What does she want? What makes her happy?
Are you guys getting enough quality time together? After kids, me and my wife had to learn how to be a couple again, and not just parents.
Still a work in progress.
Therapy was the best thing for us. 100% turnaround.
We had a lot of distance and therapy has made us very close and very intimate.
You said that recently you’ve started to feel this, does that mean that previously your wife did the opposite to all those things?
You’ve not touched on that so checking my understanding.
I agree with the fantastic advice that the other members of the forum have provided remember that if we don’t talk about how we feel then we won’t resolve our issues no point in sitting on our laurels and thinking about things that may not be there ! Take some time to talk and the main point would If I can suggest tell her about your concerns is to listen really listen ! Hopefully you will sort things out no drama good luck
