Am I being unreasonable?

Sex Tips & Talk
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I just wanted your honest opinion on this:

I have a much higher sex drive than my OH and I’m starting to get really frustrated. He just isn’t that interested in sex in general. I understand that he has a lower sex drive than me and I can’t make him want sex if he isn’t in the mood. I feel like, when we do have sex it’s almost always me that initiates and I feel like he’s doing it just to keep me happy more than because he really wants to. It does happen sometimes - maybe twice a month when I actually feel like he’s enjoying it but the other times it feels like it’s a chore for him and this really gets me down, it’s not enjoyable for me if he isn’t interested.

Part of the reason for this is probably because I used to find sex painful, although I am a lot better now he still worries about hurting me. The problem with this is that, if he doesn’t show me that he wants me, then I can’t get aroused which makes everything worse. The other issues are probably tiredness, he lives for his work and then he’s exhausted in the evenings and weekends.

I’ve tried talking to him so many times that I’ve lost count. We’ve tried counselling. Things seem to get better for a while and then go back to how they were before. I’m getting really miserable and I need to talk to him about it but I don’t know how to approach it. I’m starting to feel like I want to leave. I have done this a few times in the past but always go back. I don’t think I could ever actually leave because I love him and everything else is great. Am I being unreasonable to expect him to show me a bit more attention? Am I over reacting when I think I want to leave? I really want a more sexual relationship, I’d like to try new things but we struggle with the basics.

Really, I’d like to be in a relationship where I feel wanted and desired. I’d like to try some BDSM stuff too - obviously this is out of the question at the moment. We need to work on the basics first. I’m leaving that side of me for solo play only.

I’m thinking that we really need to talk properly and maybe come to some sort of compromise. We have a week off for Easter so I think this might be a good time to talk. I feel like some sort of plan is needed so that we can agree on where we want to get to and how we could go about it rather than him just saying sorry, I’ll try a bit harder and nothing changing. There’s no point in him promising something that he can’t give me and there’s no point in me pushing. I’m not even sure I want to try, I’m starting to think that I should just enjoy solo time and assume that he isn’t interested unless he asks me. But then it could be months before he asks or he might start to wonder why I’ve stopped asking. I really don’t know what to do. Maybe I am just being unreasonable and I should accept that he’s tired, works hard, gets headaches and would rather sleep?

I do have anxiety and depression so it’s possible that this is all just an over reaction and driven by my meantal health issues. But it’s a thought that has gone around in my head for years and I’m starting to wonder if this is causing the depression rather than the other way around. I imagine I’m going to regret posting this later but I really need to get it off my chest. Honest opinions please!

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As always talk, but you have written a very eloquent post, so maybe write him a message/hand written letter explaining exactly how you feel. Maybe suggest he eases off the work obsession and make time for you as a couple. My OH has Rheumatoid Arthritis and is always in some degree of pain, so i can relate to how he may be scared of hurting you. It’s very easy to have an open conversation and change things, but then slip into old habits, so you both need to make sure it doesn’t happen. Sorry i can’t be more help. But no, you’re not being unreasonable, and the endorphin hit of more sex, will help you mentally.

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Hey @Kitty-Cat01 - I can fully empathise with you. I was (and to a certain extent still am) in the exact same spot as you. When in the mood we have some great sex, and we have over the last year started experimenting more - however it is always me initiating. And I like you don’t really feel wanted or desired (although she tells me she does want and desire me when I tell her that). I’ve had the same conversation countless times about not feeling wanted, and asking if she would initiate sex maybe once in a while…I have this conversation every three months, and in two years its still not really happened. I think in my case my OH just isnt comfortable doing it - and we have one thing in that we talk a lot about our issues - its just totally frustrating that she seems totally oblivious most of the time.

We’ve never gone along the route of counselling - although it has crossed my mind - but like you there is probably an element of anxiety at your end - I feel the same a lot of the time…yesterday was the first “kid free day” we’d had in a while and i’d said it would be nice to do “something” together - and I had bought her some nice lingerie recently, and a new butt plug. So I was excited when she disappeared upstairs and went quiet… I had imagined she was going to surprise me - so eventually when I ventured upstairs and found her laid on the bed whatapping her girly mates…I was gutted…

However I told her this, and we did end up spending a nice hour in bed experimenting…and as soon as that happened I felt “happy” again.

I honestly think my OH has some issues with talking/initiating sex - however once we get going its great…it just takes a lot to get going. However this time round when trying a new butt plug (were relatively new to these) she openly talked about how she might be a convert to butt plugs (something I already knew really) but this is the first time shes openly talked about it.

I would just say (and sorry if this is becoming too long) that if you truly love your guy (as i do my wife) it just takes some time and effort. I have the bull in the china shop approach so have probably made it worse many times - keep having conversations about how you feel and hopefully he will eventually pick up on it. And also have a conversation about any issues he may have. Honest open conversation it whats needed…I think after 10 years of marriage we’re finally opening up properly to one another…so i’m hopeful for our sexual future (as the rest of our life is pretty damn good).

But you’re not being unreasonable - and i’m sure there are plenty of others who will be saying the same. But every relationship has an unbalanced sex drive…you just need to work out how to make it work for you…

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Bang on @WillC - Funny enough in the time it took for me to right my response you managed to pretty much say it bang on. I was feeling utterly crap yesterday and pissed of with my OH - after we eventually managed to have a good session it was like the world was lifted off my shoulders!

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Good for you! In our case, we plan sessions for later in the day on our days off, to allow her joints to ease and any painkillers to kick in. Not ideal all the time, but you have to compromise.

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@Kitty-Cat01 I feel for your problems . My wife is a chronic pain patient and it has been years since she participated in a mutual sex life . I am hornier than when I was 21 and willing to try almost anything and the only outlet is me . Your posting explains your situation well and I think as @WillC said you should write out your thought and have a good talk to see if you can resolve the problems . I dream of being lusted after and cuddled . Best of luck my dear .

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I myself suffer with anxiety and depression. Since coming off anti depressants my sex drive has gone mad. Almost back to how I was in the beginning of my relationship which is great for me.

After having our son our sex life was almost non existent due to it causing me pain. I also struggled to get aroused due to fear it would hurt and it did cause some issues. I think my partner felt it was something he’d done or maybe I didn’t find him sexually attractive anymore.

Anyway nearly 4 years on I now feel my sex drive is so much higher than that of my partners. If he doesn’t want sex it can set my anxiety off because I over think why he doesn’t want me. I realised this is not his problem but mine and I really need to work on that lol.

I think it would be near impossible to find someone with the same sex drive. There will always be one partner who will want it more. That’s where I find solo play helps me if he’s not about or in the mood.

I wouldn’t say you’re being unreasonable and I agree having a chat about how you’re feeling will help and hopefully you can come to a compromise that suits you both :slightly_smiling_face:

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Just wanted to know if he’s ever had a full blood panel done I had one done years ago because I just didn’t have any energy or desire and I started having problems with my erections and she thought all kinds of things from she didn’t turn me on and she wasn’t good enough so my wife suggested that I should get my levels checked and come to find out that all of my levels were so low the doc was like wow found out that I had low T so he got me on the right med and supplements and a few months later I started feeling better and I can maintain my erections I hope this was helpful and hope that you both can talk it out and figure it out good luck

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@Kitty-Cat01 as yourself and the others have said and given advice on , I would Start with your your expectations either written down or ire the speak to him, as you know it should be spontaneous, MyMrs likes it that way and to be honest it is much more fun when it is, we like to try different things and it doesn’t always plan out like we like it to , try to explain what your needs are and hopefully your OH will try and do something that you both agree to try and that would be a starting point for you to progress things on . I don’t think any couple have the same sex drive and expectations Good luck hun :kissing_heart::+1:

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I don’t think you’re being unreasonable :heart: The physical side plays a key role in a happy relationship. Let him know you don’t want to get stuck in that loop of you not trying anymore because he’s not trying then eventually both thinking neither of you do and that you don’t want to end up in a sexless relationship.

You can’t blame him for being tired after a long day at work but you don’t want to be second best to someone’s job and take priority over your needs and your whole relationship

I also have anxiety and depression and I’m in a similar situation, my OH has been getting depressed from the lockdown and stuff so hasn’t been in the mood much but I’ve been super horny and I spend so much time thinking ‘why doesn’t she think I’m sexy? What can I do? What have I done?’ And just craving any bit of physical attention I can and fishing for any compliments :confused: I think anxiety/depression has a snowball effect on your emotions, can start from the tiniest bit of self doubt/unhappiness and grow to the point where you don’t even know where it started :-1:

Sorry this hasn’t been much actual advice but I’ve found it helps just to know you’re not alone and others are in a similar situation :heart::heart::heart:

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It sounds like he may just be really worn out from work, I do 12 hour shifts and night work and I’ll tell you things don’t work too well after a few night shifts, sex is the last thing on my mind, no matter who it was laying naked on the bed.
Maybe try other activities that are not directly sexual with him, like a shower, massage, cooking together so you can connect which then may lead to sex anyways.
But if he it burnt out from work not a lot you can do.

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So I’m on the other end. My sex drive is relatively low and my poor hubby went years where he had to instigate sex and it really was driving a wedge between us. Like you we have a great relationship but after kids libido just went. I always tried my best and said I would put aside 2 nights every week which I would keep to for a while but then would just falter off and when I was keeping to it, it was a quick 20 min session. He always made me orgasm, everytime. After 16 years he knows exactly what buttons to press so although I didnt want it at the start and he still having to instigate it on our arranged nights I still really enjoyed it, which made me feel bad because I couldn’t understand why I was feeling like I was.I had even stopped kissing him or generally making any contact with him in the bedroom.
It was heart breaking for us both really as we had a fantatsic sex life before. I always said to him it was a bit like being poorly and someone offering you a piece of cake. You know you love cake but you just can’t stomach it. Probably not the best analogy but the only one I could think of to try and make him understand.
We have argued and talked about this and I even went to the doctors for blood tests etc to make sure it wasn’t anything hormonal. I was hoping it was so at least I had a valid excuse. It transpires that 1 of the meds I’m on can lower libido but not as much as I was feeling.
Anyway, not too long ago he really wasn’t in a good place and I felt like I was starting to loose him. It wasn’t due to lack of sex though I knew this would be part of the reason.
Anyway it was like a light bulb moment. We talked about everything. How we were feeling, what issues we had etc and really cleared the air. Suddenly out of the blue the spark was back. Its not as strong as it was in my early 20’s but its there and our sex life is better than its ever been.
Sorry that this isn’t really help as such. I just wanted to give you my story as I was on the other end. If he’s anything like me, I can guarantee that he really does feel absolutely awful about it, but hasn’t got a clue what to do.
I hope you guys figure it out! X

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A sexual relationship is like a fire, you have to feed it, keep your attention on it, do a little maintenance from time to time, keep it dry and out of strong winds. If you neglect it for a while then try to though a load of wood on it you can end up just about putting it out. Sometimes it’s best to start again from scratch, get what you need to start it but also make sure you have to hand what you need to keep it lit.

Try finding out just what is behind where things went wrong, don’t offer up answers for him, they may end up being easy answers for him to give. Telling you what he thinks you want to hear, not what is actually going on in his head.

I don’t know the full ins and outs of your relationship, but if you have been out of action due to pain, he may have settled into a new normal, thrown all his energy into work, and shut down on "us time " for the two of you. There is unlikely to be just one thing, it’s going to be a combination of things.

The first thing you need to do is be honest, with each other, and decide that you are going to work things out. There is no easy fix for things like this, it takes commitment from both of you, and a desire to see it though. Go back to complete basics, not sex but romance, and intimacy, spending time together, pampering each other. Dates, even if it’s just a walk together, touching, kissing, holding each other, massage, taking a shower together.

Take sex of the table for a while, and relay the fire. Damp wood and a load of burnt out ash is no good for starting a fire on top of.

And no you are not being unreasonable, at the very least a honest answer is in order. What you have now is not what you signed up for, if there is going to be a major change to that, it cannot be a unilateral thing.

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Thanks everyone. I would try to respond individually to everyone but I just don’t have the mental capacity right now, my mood seems to be dipping. Please know that I really appreciate all of your replies, I have read them all and they have all been very helpful. :heart: :heart: :heart:

Definitely true, I always feel better after sex.

Thanks! It’s always helpful to talk things through with others who are in the same place.

I think, as a lot of you have said, it might be worth writing things down. Even if it just gets things sorted in my head so that I can talk about things without going around in circles!

Thanks @Kh1985, It’s really helpful to hear from someone who has been in the same position as my OH. I’m so glad that you both managed to work things out. It gives me hope.

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Thanks @anon62893628. I love the fire analogy.

That sounds about right. I’d really just like to know what’s going on rather than getting empty promises. I’d rather know how he feels and why so that I can understand.

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Spot on @anon62893628

And I would just add that - once you have tried, given your all into making it work so that you can both of you can be happy. See how things go from there.

Although we have to all make sacrifices to keep our relationships together - we still deserve to have our own individual needs met.

It is hard work, trying time and time again with someone who just isn’t fully in it.
So once you’ve managed a heart to heart, see how his actions are afterwards. Hopefully this will help you to decide if you truly want to keeping working at it or whether you would be happier with someone who can fulfil your sexual desires.

For me, I guess it would depend if there were other areas of the relationship that I wasn’t happy with too x

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Thanks @Cupc8kes, I’ll see how things go. I don’t think I can go on like this forever but I’m willing to keep trying for now :smiling_face_with_three_hearts:

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@Kitty-Cat01 firstly I have to say you express yourself really well.
We all want to be desired dont think you are being unreasonable at all. Knowing that there are reasons why doesn’t stop your needs being valid x

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Something we are doing tonight (thanks to a lovehoney date night card game!) is to write down lots of fantasies that you both have on paper, fold them up and put them in a jar and pull one out for a fun night, you could do it two ways, first do individual ones that the other person doesn’t see so you can let out your intimate secrets, or if you are comfortable together then fill them out together so you know there won’t be any in there that you don’t want to try, you may learn new things about each other that you wouldn’t have thought about

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Thanks @Mrs.John :heart: it took me a while to write!

Thanks, that’s a good way to explain it x

Sounds like fun @ToysRusDevon! I like the idea of writing stuff down. I’m not sure my OH would but he might surprise me!

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