Help what do you do to '' deal '' with it? we have been togeather for 11 years so should i just be used to it buy now? I cant cope any more with the feeling of rejection, go to bed every night waiting in hope and he just goes to sleep i am scared to initiate anything coz i get the not tonight im tired or i dont want to line double kick in the face hes not just not doing anything in that instance he is actually physically turning me away . Dont get me wrong when we have sex its fantastic but ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Just wondered if any one else out there was in a relationship like this how does it make them feel how do they cope with the rejection and all other feelings that go with ?
Trying to initiate it is one thing, but have you actually sat him down and spoken to him about it? Told him how rejected you feel?
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Yep i have in the past but probably not to the extent that i actually feel i normally get back up outta bed have a ciggie a cry and wait till hes totally sound asleep before i go back thro so last night when i got up i wrote down exactly how it makes me feel which on one hand made me feel a million times better to release it onto paper and i slept blooming well after words and to night i am going to make him listen to what i have written all 3 pages !!!! i know he is not doing it to be horrible but is it bad for me to feel wanted special to some one and loved ? I worry that i am being self pitying but i am not i keep all these feelings to myself i dont burden even him with them but its how i truley feel
I was going through exact same thing my wifes sex drive was really high about 4 years ago and over the past couple of years has just really dropped in not saying its a bad thing though, we have been together for 12 years since we were 16 both lost our virginity to each other so we no no different but about 7 months ago I felt our love life was down hill so one day I randomly sent her a txt asking why we didn't make love much anymore to find out she felt the same the problem was balecause we let it slip and went from a few times a day to maybe once a fortnight we both thought the same about each other and we were both scared to make the first move I case of rejection from each other so it was just cross wires and we talked about it and when we both realised what had happened we immediatley fixed the problem and have an excellent love life ever since.
So my advice would be talk to him cause you never know he may be feeling the same hope this helps
I have been through this in the past and can sympthasise deeply. It can be soul destroying. I personally found that by doing the opposite to what i felt like, avoiding sex and distracting myself by making sure i had plenty of things to occupy myself, things improved. Obviously this would depend on the type of person you are with.
I went out more with my friends, started new hobbies which involved me going out and generally keeping busy (which also helped with my mental anguish over the whole issue) i discovered almost a new lease of life away from my lover. As i was too busy to ask for sex anymore (at first this was torture as i was desperate for some loving, and i did have to force myself to do other things and purposely not ask for any form of sex), the pressure felt by my lover to constantly 'perform' was off him and also made him a little curious to know why i didnt want sex anymore! Sex life improved dramatically as i found that the less time i spent with him actually made him want me more.
I even avoided going to bed when he did purposely, making sure i had other things to do, even watching a film, exercising etc. i just found it took away that awful sense of desperate longing i had as i did not go to bed with him and i didnt long to touch his body as i was not next to him in bed.
Hope things improve for you
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I'm the other side of the fence on this one as i seem to have completely lost mt sex drive over the past couple of years, i think its important to tell him howyou feel and how its affecting you but also try not to make him feel bad about it as sometimes its something you can't control
I completely understand how you feel. My and my partner have been together for 5 and a half years now and for the last year or so our sex life has been a struggle. I mean don't get me wrong when we do have sex it's amazing but he can go weeks without even thinking about sex which is frustrating. Not to mention the fact I've suffered from depression since I was 15 so the rejection really gets to me.
Although I get annoyed I do understand the stresses he's under at uni and with me being in temp housing at the moment. We do talk about it sometimes but I still can't help but take it to heart. I try to think that once we are both settled and liveing together again that things will change.
Fingers cross for you too, I hope you sort it out. My email in on my profile if you ever want to talk.
question how low is low
Well i think its hard to say how low is low, it depends on the person. I could never be with someone that wouldnt want to have sex or would reject my intents. I think when it starts to hurt , you should talk and be open and honest. For me if things didnt change i dont think i could do it. I have a very very nice sex drive .
well low is he would be happy with once a week or longer every 10 days me on the other hand would be happy 3 / 4 times a week not even every week im under no illusions , we have 3 kids and he works more than full time life gets in the way but also he has to try make some effort surely
I'm in same situation, tried everything from extra effort, talking to him about how he feels and asking questions but all he will say is 'I don't know' or 'I don't feel like it'. I've told him how much it hurts me being rejected all the time when I've never rejected him once even when I've been sick or tired and I didn't feel like it. He just doesn't seem to care at all.
Like another poster said we've gone from going to bed at the same time every night, to him going whilst I stay up and wait til he is asleep and me avoiding any situations which might make me want him more. Only issue with that is I'm feeling less and less close to him as time goes by. There is no intimacy other than a quick hug or peck on the lips, if I suggest it's not enough and we are more like friends he says he will put more effort in but never actually does.
I dont know the answer but good luck with your letter. I hope it helps sort out the issue for you.
Just thought i would update, after finally having a long conversation we agreed that we dont talk enough , hence the reason things have gotten to this stage, we have made some compromises and agreements and he has agreed much to my horror to go see the doc about testosterone levels 11 years and hes never once been to the doc so this really shocked me that he is willing to do this i realise itsa big step for him we both agree that we spend too much time in the evenings watching tv instead of enjoying each others company and chatting obviously we have just got stuck in such a rut but hopefully thing will start to improve :)
I'm glad he's going to the dr! My OH's sex drive has been slipping lately, I thought it was because he was spending a lot of time at the gym and was too tired afterwards, but it turned out to be stress from his work and that taking an emotional toll on him, so maybe something like that might be affecting him too?
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Catastrophic wrote:
I'm glad he's going to the dr! My OH's sex drive has been slipping lately, I thought it was because he was spending a lot of time at the gym and was too tired afterwards, but it turned out to be stress from his work and that taking an emotional toll on him, so maybe something like that might be affecting him too?
My OH has a heavy work load at the moment which is stressing his too Catastrophic. I use the time to spoil him and help him relax. I find my sex drive increases with his so it's not too much of an issue.
I agree with the others, if this isn't normal for him ask him if he's ok. If he's simply stressed or just in a bad spot let him have some space and just do little things to remind him you're there.
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I've had this problem with my wife. Been married nearly 12 years now. I don't have a problem so much with the infrequency, but it's her attitude that upsets me. Not once in 14 years has she ever initiated sex, and the majority of the time (I would say 9/10) she makes it absolutely clear that this is quite boring for her. Anything other than straight-up missionary will be met with a flat out "no". I have never rejected her in this way in any part of our marriage, and I know she would be upset if I did - but she has no problem with doing it to me day in, day out, year in, year out.
And yes, the "talking about it" happens all the time and nothing ever changes.
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Hi Jaycloth, sounds like your wife is in the same place iwas untill christmas when i thought my husband was going toleave me he was totally truthful about how he felt and i responded to him firstly by being upset angry and then i wrote a letter telling how i felt, he used to watch porn on his own i felt i could no way be like those girls not only the sex but the way they look figures long hair etc i though that what he wanted, how wrong i was i know see what a bitch i was turning him down and pretending to be aseep, i am trying to make it up to him now and think that with a few purcheses we have made our sex life better, although i must admit its hard with teenagers in the house.
So tell her how you realy feel and let her see it hurts you if she loves you as i do my husband she will see how she upsets you, Good Luck x
The thing I'd most like to know is how on earth to find the confidence to talk about it....!!!
I've written a letter in the past. Got my own issues and fears out in the open which allowed the OH to respond. As much as I don't like laying my fears and insecurities out there, I do think it was the best thing I ever did!
Confidence to tackle this problem is a major issue for me. I'm a bit bigger than I was when we married (we both are). Sex was never a big huge thing for him - we were a year married before we actually had sex. I was not a virgin - he was. He enjoys it when we have sex (as do I), but its really not a big thing for him. He can't stand receiving oral sex as it makes him feel guilty for not wanting to reciprocate. I actually like giving him oral sex and over the 16 years we've been together sort of come to terms with the fact that I may never have oral sex again, but I do need to have some sort of sexual relationship with him. He's my best friend, I love him so much, and I'm so worried to bring it up (again) as he says it just puts pressure on him. Hence me finding myself on here and placed an order today.....
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lizzie30 wrote:
Hi Jaycloth, sounds like your wife is in the same place iwas untill christmas when i thought my husband was going toleave me he was totally truthful about how he felt and i responded to him firstly by being upset angry and then i wrote a letter telling how i felt, he used to watch porn on his own i felt i could no way be like those girls not only the sex but the way they look figures long hair etc i though that what he wanted, how wrong i was i know see what a bitch i was turning him down and pretending to be aseep, i am trying to make it up to him now and think that with a few purcheses we have made our sex life better, although i must admit its hard with teenagers in the house.
So tell her how you realy feel and let her see it hurts you if she loves you as i do my husband she will see how she upsets you, Good Luck x