Low sex drive - help please!

Sex Tips & Talk
1

Hi Everyone,

I'm a newbie and have plucked up the courage to finally post on here! I have been reading other posts relating to this topic and was hoping I could get some advice too.

I have been with my boyfriend for 7 & 1/2 years and absolutely love him to bits. Trouble is I seem to go through phases where I just don't feel like having sex. Sometimes I'm totally up for it but other times I just can't seem to let go and get in the mood. Trouble is I worry because he must get fed up. We talk about it and he is really supportive and doesn't put pressure on me. I just feel like there is something wrong with me. How come I find it so hard to do with someone I love so much???

Advice please!!!

1 Like
2

It's likely that your sex drive is being affected by your menstrual cycle - there are times of the month when your sex drive will be lower than other times, and it's perfectly natural. You said your boyfriend is supportive so I'd just be thankful of that and work to the times when you are up for it.

If he wants some action when you're not feeling up for sex, you could try compromising by giving him a hand job/blowjob or maybe get him some toys so he can pleasure itself.

If it's a serious issue then you could see a doctor, but it really does just sound like your menstrual cycle playing with you.

3

tinkerbell1403 wrote:

Hi Everyone,

I'm a newbie and have plucked up the courage to finally post on here! I have been reading other posts relating to this topic and was hoping I could get some advice too.

I have been with my boyfriend for 7 & 1/2 years and absolutely love him to bits. Trouble is I seem to go through phases where I just don't feel like having sex. Sometimes I'm totally up for it but other times I just can't seem to let go and get in the mood. Trouble is I worry because he must get fed up. We talk about it and he is really supportive and doesn't put pressure on me. I just feel like there is something wrong with me. How come I find it so hard to do with someone I love so much???

Advice please!!!

Hi Tinkerbell and welcome!

I know how you feel because I am exactly the same! Firstly, you shouldn't feel bad if your sex drive is low, it's part of who you are and it doesn't mean you don't love your OH! I'm ready to spend the rest of my life with my OH and sometimes I just don't fancy sex, it's normal!

Secondly, is it a fairly new thing? If it is, try and think of recent changes in your life, stress, tiredness and anxiety can all lower your sex drive. As can certain types of medication. If you're on the contracetive pill, consider asking your doctor to try a different one as side effects can be different and some may cause lowered libido. If you think it could be tiredness and stress, work on that before you tackle the sex drive as it may help!

Look at the relationship, if there have been any changes recently then perhaps look at how you feel about those changes, any insecurities can cause a decrease in libido!

Finally, if you don't think it can be any of these things, just try having it more often? For me I find a nice long build up of foreplay and touching and kissing will get me in the mood even if I didn't fancy it before hand!! And having regular sex makes you want it more (although of course, don't do anything you really don't want to do!)

If it's a new thing and you can't think of anything that may have caused it, consider seeing your doctor? I know it's embarrassing but they are trained to deal with things like this and can have good tips sometimes!

If your sex drive is the same as it has always been then don't woryr so much!! Everyone is different and low sex drives are just as normal as high ones, as long as you and your partner are satisfied then what does it matter?

If you really want to increase it, try reading more "sexy novels" or post a lot on here and read other threads, I know for me, I want sex more if I think about it more, just sometimes I "forget" to think about it!

Good luck!!

Ax

4

Ecksvie wrote:

It's likely that your sex drive is being affected by your menstrual cycle - there are times of the month when your sex drive will be lower than other times, and it's perfectly natural. You said your boyfriend is supportive so I'd just be thankful of that and work to the times when you are up for it.

If he wants some action when you're not feeling up for sex, you could try compromising by giving him a hand job/blowjob or maybe get him some toys so he can pleasure itself.

If it's a serious issue then you could see a doctor, but it really does just sound like your menstrual cycle playing with you.

Good tip! I've never thought about dips and peaks being to do with the menstrual cycle! Makes sense though, all those hormones circulating round your body!

Ax

5

To start with, you might find it useful to keep a diary of your libido over the course of a few months at least, just to see if there is an easily identifiable pattern which links into anything else in your life.

And although many doctors can be difficult when it comes to getting them to take these issues seriously, I do recommend consulting your doctor about it if this worries you. If your doctor is dismissive or otherwise unhelpful, I'd recommend taking that as a cue to change your physician for one who responds more responsibly.

Good luck. :)

6

Like everyone has said it could be anything from stress to the weather. I find when I feel less horny taking some "me" time helps. Read books, take a bath and maybe spend time doing non sexual things (like massage or cuddling).

7

Greetings and welcome Tink

The thing that stood out for me in what you've said was about being able "to let go and get in the mood" this suggests to me that maybe you're worrying about something...that there are some emotional stresses and pressures in your life that are getting in the way of your enjoyment of sex.

It's quite common for worries, stress and other upsets to affect your libido so it might be worth having a think about whether this might be true in your case and if so working on ways to fix those problems directly.

I know it's difficult but try not to be too hard on yourself....you've been in a relationship for a long time and it sounds like you've got a wonderfully supportive partner. Strong relationships like yours can and do weather all sorts of problems and working through them together eventually just brings you closer.

In terms of practical advice for getting it on when you're feeling a bit below par, I have a few suggestions:

- sex in the spoons position is sweet, romantic and sensual without being too energetic.

- take some erotic photos of yourself and give one a day to your partner for each day you're not feeling up to sex (kinda like a very naughty advent calender)

- maybe show your partner the LoveHoney website and make a wishlist of toys that inspire you both

- if your OH really wants some nookie and your not feeling up to a hand job/blow job you could try laying naked with him while he masturbates and perhaps letting him cum in your mouth or on your breasts.

Sorry if it's a bit graphic! I'm hoping some of it's helpful!

xxKPxx

8

I'm SO agreeing with AdnaW.

Spending time leading up to having sex, even before foreplay can get me in the mood even if before hand I really couldn't be bother to even think about having sex. Also agreeing that when I read/talk about having sex it definitely gets me thinking :P Try talking to your boyfriend about things you want to try? Or just talking about it in general works.

Another suggestion, watch porn together first?

:)

9

As everyone has already said there are a million different reasons why your sex drive is low or it could just be the way your body is programmed. If you find that it is lower than usual, your body is dealing with some sort of change - sleep levels, hormones, medication, stress... If you are constantly putting pressure on yourself because you feel guilty/worry about not pleasing your partner, it will have the adverse effect and make you feel even less in the mood!

Ways to get in the mood...

Have you ever tried meditation? If your low libido is caused by stress then it may do you some good to try meditating. Light a couple of candles - maybe sensual scented tea lights like ylang ylang (lavender is relaxing but may just make you feel sleepy), sit on the floor and just try to empty your mind. Classical chillout/ nature music may help.

Bathing & massage are both very sensual and can ease you into foreplay.

Food! Think about what you are eating. I find carbs in an evening just makes me sleepy. Many foods are aphrodisiacs - strawberries, oysters etc and it's nice to have a candlelit meal or to prepare the meal together.

The most important thing is that you relax. If you and you're partner keep openly communicating with each other then that is a really good sign x

10

As everyone has already said there are a million different reasons why your sex drive is low or it could just be the way your body is programmed. If you find that it is lower than usual, your body is dealing with some sort of change - sleep levels, hormones, medication, stress... If you are constantly putting pressure on yourself because you feel guilty/worry about not pleasing your partner, it will have the adverse effect and make you feel even less in the mood!

Ways to get in the mood...

Have you ever tried meditation? If your low libido is caused by stress then it may do you some good to try meditating. Light a couple of candles - maybe sensual scented tea lights like ylang ylang (lavender is relaxing but may just make you feel sleepy), sit on the floor and just try to empty your mind. Classical chillout/ nature music may help.

Bathing & massage are both very sensual and can ease you into foreplay.

Food! Think about what you are eating. I find carbs in an evening just makes me sleepy. Many foods are aphrodisiacs - strawberries, oysters etc and it's nice to have a candlelit meal or to prepare the meal together.

The most important thing is that you relax. If you and you're partner keep openly communicating with each other then that is a really good sign x

11

theres a quite a few threads already on this, and i know cos ive posted on them.

my sex drive seems to go up and down, at the moment for me its quite low cos ive not been very well and have been tired but then in a few weeks it might be off the chart how horny i am! lol

mine tends to settle down once ive got better and not tired any more.

Dxx

12

theres a quite a few threads already on this, and i know cos ive posted on them.

my sex drive seems to go up and down, at the moment for me its quite low cos ive not been very well and have been tired but then in a few weeks it might be off the chart how horny i am! lol

mine tends to settle down once ive got better and not tired any more.

Dxx

13

Lubyanka wrote:

To start with, you might find it useful to keep a diary of your libido over the course of a few months at least, just to see if there is an easily identifiable pattern which links into anything else in your life.

And although many doctors can be difficult when it comes to getting them to take these issues seriously, I do recommend consulting your doctor about it if this worries you. If your doctor is dismissive or otherwise unhelpful, I'd recommend taking that as a cue to change your physician for one who responds more responsibly.

Good luck. :)

Really like Lubyanka's idea of a sex diary - it can really helpful to look back - you might see things that you think haven't affected you, but really have!

x

14

masterandslave wrote:

Lubyanka wrote:

To start with, you might find it useful to keep a diary of your libido over the course of a few months at least, just to see if there is an easily identifiable pattern which links into anything else in your life.

And although many doctors can be difficult when it comes to getting them to take these issues seriously, I do recommend consulting your doctor about it if this worries you. If your doctor is dismissive or otherwise unhelpful, I'd recommend taking that as a cue to change your physician for one who responds more responsibly.

Good luck. :)

Really like Lubyanka's idea of a sex diary - it can really helpful to look back - you might see things that you think haven't affected you, but really have!

x

This is a great idea, I never thought of it! Give it a go Tink, i'm going to try it as I have the same problem as you sometimes. Hope things work out! Xx

15

Thanks everyone for being so supportive. You all have some great ideas and have made me feel like i'm not alone in this. It's good to hear that i'm not the only one as well. You can't help but feel like a bit of an outcast sometimes.

Thanks again : )

16

sexynurse09 wrote:

masterandslave wrote:

Lubyanka wrote:

To start with, you might find it useful to keep a diary of your libido over the course of a few months at least, just to see if there is an easily identifiable pattern which links into anything else in your life.

Really like Lubyanka's idea of a sex diary - it can really helpful to look back - you might see things that you think haven't affected you, but really have!

This is a great idea, I never thought of it! Give it a go Tink, i'm going to try it as I have the same problem as you sometimes. Hope things work out! Xx

tinkerbell1403 wrote:

Thanks everyone for being so supportive. You all have some great ideas and have made me feel like i'm not alone in this. It's good to hear that i'm not the only one as well. You can't help but feel like a bit of an outcast sometimes.

Thanks again : )

I'm glad you found my suggestion useful masterandslave and sexynurse09, and I'm glad you feel helped tinkerbell1403. :)

17

tinkerbell1403 wrote:

Thanks everyone for being so supportive. You all have some great ideas and have made me feel like i'm not alone in this. It's good to hear that i'm not the only one as well. You can't help but feel like a bit of an outcast sometimes.

Thanks again : )

Don't feel outcast! Everyone has a different libido!! I know mine is pretty low, but we still have a fantastic sex life! Noone will judge you for it as long as you are happy!

ax

18

Hun I celebrate everyone being different, me and my partner have libido's at opposite ends of the spectrum. If everyone was exactly the same sex would be very boring indeed!

x