I have been in a relationship (my first and only) for the past two and a half years. For all this time, me and my boyfriend have resided in the same area, so were never that far away, and always had the same group of friends. It has been an amazing two and a half years, but now we are hitting a patch of uncertainty.
I will be going to university in September/October, whilst he will be staying where we are now for another year (he is heading to university hopefully next year). To put into perspective, now I am in the north west, but my first university choice is the lower midlands. We have started thinking about the inevitable fact we will most likely break up - distance, lack of contact, how we might change through living new lives, especially considering we are basically opposites even now - there is so much against us. Even as it stands right now, our lives seem to be slightly turning on opposite paths if you look ahead in the long-run, since his career he wants to go into is not like the one I will probably end up in. It is upsetting to think how our time together will probably end, but I am realistic (doesn't make it hurt any less though) and I am determined to have an amazing time together for the remaining time before I leave. We have already discussed that we would like to at least try, and not just break up as a preventative measure before I even go, but of course who knows how long it will continue after I go.
Anyway, because this all scares me a bit, and I need to get it off my chest, I was wondering if anyone had any advice or experiences to give to give me a bit of perspective. I don't need mollycoddling and telling me that we will be together forever, in fact if you want to be harsh, do, but I'd really love to hear anyone else's experiences.
Did anyone else go to university whilst in a relationship? How long did it go on for? Do you know any other people who were in this situation and how did it go for them? Is anyone in this position now, of long-distance and barely seeing each other due to university? Did any of you have a long-term relationship break down due to factors like mine, and how did you cope learning to be alone again?
I'd be really grateful of just some thoughts and reflections from other people. Thank you :)
Long term relationships can most definitely work out if you put the work into them. It is hard but with the internet you have things like skype, you have sex toys that are designed specifically for long distance relationships now too.
A good example is my sister. She has been in a relationship with her fiance now for four years. He lived in the Ukraine and we live here in Britain. She went over to see him for six months (the longest she was allowed to stay) and had to return. They skyped every day and although I'm not sure of the details, I know they had a sexual relationship via skype even when they were apart. They're getting married this Sunday and have now moved in together here in Britain and he's going to get his visa and legally be allowed to stay here indefinitely and even work soon after.
It's just a case of if you two really love each other and want it to work, all you have to do is put as much effort into it as you can, and even if it does end, at least you know you did as much as you could to try and you shouldn't be disappointed knowing that it ended if you tried your best. It is definitely hard going from a regular relationship to a long-distance one but I really don't think that should be the sole reason for two people to call it quits. Good luck to you both though, it definitely isn't easy and I hope it works out.
One year and a few months after my current relationship started, my boyfriend had to move away for work while I was staying in university. It lasted 3 years and after I got my degree, I moved in with him. We just celebrated our 10 year anniversary.
I'm not saying it was easy, we had some very hard times, but we also had internet, phones, train tickets, weekends and holidays, we did our best and it worked for us.
If you are going to be away from each other just for one year, it will go fast. If you think it's worth trying, go for it. I totally second the last paragraph in the post just above mine!
Long distance can work; you just have to want it to. It's hard, and sometimes it hurts but honestly if you're willing to put in the time that it needs then it really can be one of the best relationships.
I'm currently in a LDR and have been for five years he's in Canada and I'm in the UK, sometimes it can be a year or two between visits, other times 6-8 months. It really depends on time and money. We speak a lot via Skype, and WhatsApp, sometimes we send letters to each other. There's info about my LDR on my blog if you'd like to read it. Honestly, it's the best relationship I've ever had, I've never felt more connected to a person than I do him.
I'm not going to lie and say that LDR is easy, because it's not - it's an adjustment and you will need to make time for each other. But just because someone is moving away doesn't mean a relationship has to end. It's 2016 there are so many ways to keep in touch now and keep the spark alive - I mean, if you both love each other it might be beneficial to give it a try. That's really the only way you're going to know if it'll work for your relationship.
I had a similar experience. My first boyfriend, and the man and I were eachothers first sexual partner. He was a year older than me and was going to Uni in Nottingham, at the time we both lived in a different county. He didn't want to split up. I didn't want to split up, BUT it was very important for me that I didn't hold him back.
I believed (and still do believe) that if your going to uni you should be able to fully embrace the experience. If that includes sleeping with other people than so be it. We had a great relationship, but Uni changes people, they grow up, they learn what they like, want, and I believe formulate their individuality. I didn't want him to go and feel guilty for having sex with other people, nor did I want him to feel that he couldn't.
If we had stayed together, but split later on he would have resented me for not enjoying the fullness of uni life. For this reason I said it was over and fully explained why. When he left I said that if we were ment to be together forever then we would find our way back to one another in time.
We saw each other after the first 3 months of him being at uni (Christmas time) he brought me a gift. But he did say it was a thank you gift. He said that I was right and that he was enjoying uni. He had already changed in personality quite a lot.
The next year when I went to uni, my freedom was very important to me. It was my escape from a very difficult childhood and I grew as a person so much.
So after a bit of a waffle I'm trying to say, that I think it is better to split amicably now and see what the future holds. I do believe if you are truely ment to be together for ever you will find your way back to one another.
I'm sorry if this wasn't way you wanted to hear buy you know me brutally honest, and I hope I have explained my reasons why.
When I moved away to go to university, I had been together with my boyfriend for 6 months. We were apart for one year, but my boyfriend traveled to me almost every weekend. He was a bit scared that I would find someone else with similar interests, because he was not interested in studying, he wanted to work instead.
I was madly in love at the time, and was determined that it should work out. I did have a hard time being all alone in the beginning, but you learn to be alone after a while.
It did actually work well. We called eachother every day, Skype, phones, and we texted alot. It was hard and sometimes you fight because it feels horrible to be alone.
After one year, my boyfriend quit his job and got a new job in the city where I study and could move in with me. It was over one year ago and we have been together for 3 years now.
If my 6 month relationship can survive for one year apart, yours can too if you fight for it :)
I must add that our relationship is great now when we live with each other! I feel that I have changed as a person and am more mature, but I still love him to bits and would never look at another man, because I know that my boyfriend is the one for me. We even recently bought our own apartment, we are gonna move next year.
With all the modern technology we have at our disposal ,long distance relationships are much easier to maintain .
The question you both need to ask you selves and honestly ,do you both want to continue with this relationship. ?
Statistics dictate that if you asked people at random on how many partners they have had, they will probably say around 10. That tells you that this person had 9 previous relationships that have ended and perhaps the current one is maintained .That tells you statistics wise that most relationships will come to an end sometime. .
If both of you really feel that you are right for each other and only both of you will know this then the relationship will be worth keeping going and you will find various ways of bridging that distance gap .
If either of you feel that urge to keep this going isn't there then perhaps you have now come to the crossroads and perhaps it's best to remain friends for the duration of your time together before you both depart .This will minimise the "hurt"
It's such a difficult thing to be dealing with and I totally have sympathy for you.
Right now I'm in the same situation as you. I'm at university and my partner is an hour away by train and neither of us drive. We're in totally different fields as well so when we do get jobs there's no guarantee that it'll be in the same city. He's been accepted to a uni very close to mine as of last month but we've been dealing with LD for a good 6 months now and we won't really be closer for at least another 6.
We've managed to work out a system that works for us. He comes down on the weekends as I need to be near a library for my work and he can do his anywhere. I also made sure I got a place where I could fit a double bed so we'd be comfortable. Actually quite important! We Skype everyday and do really mundane and boring stuff together like watch the same tv programmes, have baths together, eat dinner together, etc. Just having the laptop in the same room can often make you feel more intimate and closer to one another.
We also have little rituals like we give each other cuddly hoodies or jumpers that we've been wearing while we're together. It might seem a little weird but it means we have something to cuddle with the other person's scent. Really works!
That being said, I'm a postgrad so my time is much more flexible than an undergrad's. Granted, I have double or tripple the work, but I have to be totally self motivated and scheduled so I can go on spontaneous trips to see him much more easily. If you're doing an undergrad, the situation will be a lot different. Plus, an undergraduate degree really is the time to try something new. I have lots of friends who stayed with their partners from home, eventually broke up after uni, and said they'd felt like they missed their chance to get the true university experience! It's really rubbish when that happens and there is something to be said for taking a 'break' rather than having a 'break up' to see how your schedules will match up and how much you feel like you need the uni experience. My OH is going to be an undergrad next year but he's also 28 which means he did a lot of the uni style partying when he was younger. He's ready to settle down a bit more so our relationship is pretty solid. Even if it wasn't, he doesn't feel like he'd miss much by not doing the Fresher thing. It's a lot of fun though, and I did a lot of growing up and got to know myself as a single woman (SO important!) while I was at uni.
The choice is totally yours to make. Don't stay for obligation but don't automatically assume your relationship wont work long distance. Mine has. This is all about you being happy and healthy.
Hi Popk1n, I have never been in a long distance relationship, so I can't offer any advice. At least you and your boyfriend have discussed what might happen in the future.
Try not to worry too much about it. If you are meant to stay together you will! Enjoy uni and see as much of each other as you can.
I had been with OH 5 days when I moved away for uni. It was only a two hour drive away. A massive distance but not across country. He visited every week, I went back every weekend, and every break I moved in with him, this year I moved in full time and comute to uni. Yeah I missed out on a lot at uni, not going out or anything but we were dedicated to each other and made it work.
As I expected, a mixed bag of responses, but to be fair, that was what I wanted. I think in terms of what we are going to do, lmh95 basically hit it on the head in that we said we would enjoy our summer together and then just see what happens when we leave, and try not to expect anything.
The communication point has been brought up a few times. Not being on any social media (though I will start delving into that world purely because of the friends I won't see again), it hadn't occurred to me about skype and all that jazz. I know skype isn't the thing that will keep a relationship going, the will from each other keeps it going, but it's a good point that communication is easier these days.
I would also like to clear up something from my original post. When I said he would be going to university next year, it is almost guranteed to not be the same one as me - he could actually end up further away than he is now. And I am planning to do four years (which tbf would mean we'd probably leave at the same time). Anyway, my point is that it would probably be longer than 1 year apart - more like 4 years apart. Though we are more likely to break up before the 4 years is up, so I'll not think too far into the future about that.
Thank so much for the replies! It really helps me calm down and think when having a discussion about my problems. :)
As I expected, a mixed bag of responses, but to be fair, that was what I wanted. I think in terms of what we are going to do, lmh95 basically hit it on the head in that we said we would enjoy our summer together and then just see what happens when we leave, and try not to expect anything.
The communication point has been brought up a few times. Not being on any social media (though I will start delving into that world purely because of the friends I won't see again), it hadn't occurred to me about skype and all that jazz. I know skype isn't the thing that will keep a relationship going, the will from each other keeps it going, but it's a good point that communication is easier these days.
I would also like to clear up something from my original post. When I said he would be going to university next year, it is almost guranteed to not be the same one as me - he could actually end up further away than he is now. And I am planning to do four years (which tbf would mean we'd probably leave at the same time). Anyway, my point is that it would probably be longer than 1 year apart - more like 4 years apart. Though we are more likely to break up before the 4 years is up, so I'll not think too far into the future about that.
Thank so much for the replies! It really helps me calm down and think when having a discussion about my problems. :)
PS glad you like the sailor dress! :D
I think you should look forward to uni with relish . I just spent only 4 weeks at Nottingham University on a Bank ( my employers at the time) sponsered revision course for my Banking Exams .
Even in that short duration, life was much different to what I was used to .The student bar was a very big social interaction venue .. I got offers to go to about 3 wild parties and had one girl knocking on my door late at night! I politely turned these down as I had just started my current relationship with who is now my Mrs. Whilst we didn't have the technology you young uns enjoy today we still had the landline telephone and kept in regular contact.So i am sure that you will find a way also .
What I am also saying is , I am pretty sure unless your studying to be a nun , that you will get plenty of offers whilst you are there. . its at these times will test how solid your existing relationship is and how much you really want it and its then I think you will probably decide which way to go.
You are young once so embrace the UNI life style while you can .
And yes you do look very nice in that sailors outfit ! 