Dilema. Really need advice!

Off-Topic Chat
1

Hello everyone,

I have a decision to make. I am currently at university during exam season! My next exam is on Friday afternoon (8th June), and then my exam after that is on the 16th June, with my last exam on the 23rd.
I am struggling deeply with depression at the moment. I am currently taking beta-blockers to help with my panic attacks, although I am still feeling extremely low and homesick.
I am in a long-distance relationship, and my boyfriend has finished university for summer and is now at home (in my hometown). I miss him so much, and know that I would feel much more comfortable if I was to revise at home and see my OH in the evenings.
My friends here at university are being so supportive, although they all have partners and I feel as though I am getting in the way of their relationships. I feel extremely jealous of the time they get to spend with their OH's, although I am so greatful that they are trying to include me day-to-day life.

I previously went home for 2 weeks before my first exam, but I have only been back at university for a week and already feel as though I can't cope.
My dilema is that I want to go home, but I am not sure my parents will be too impressed with me being home. Equally, I am worried that my OH's parents won't understand how much I need my OH around, and will look down on me for being clingy to their son.

Another part of my dliema is that I do not have a lot of money to go home, and I will need to ask my brother for some money to buy my train tickets. When I get home I will have access to one of my bank accounts, so I will be able to take some money from my savings to pay him back and provide myself with some more money for the next few weeks of university.

I have never had any experience of depression before, and I don't know how to cope. I need advice on whether I should go home for a week from Friday to Thursday, or whether I should stick university out and spend a lot of time with my friends to get me through the next few weeks.

Please help! :(

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Hi MissAnonD,

I'm sorry your having such a tough time at the moment. As having suffered from panic attacks myself (and took beta- blockers) I found that the best thing to do was to reduce the stress that caused my panic attacks. Do you know what causes yours? It maybe something to address when your exams are over to remove the need for beta blockers.

As for whether you should go home or not. GO! I believe your head will be in a better place when your at home. Seriously with thinking about how much you want to be home etc how much revision will you really get done?

Your parents will be far more supportive than you think. I think will all go through the thought processes that we are being pains in the butts, but im sure your parents love you very much and would rather enjoy having you home. Explain that at the moment you find the best place to be and revise is at home in a relaxing and calming atmosphere.

My partner works away for months at a time and sometimes the only person who can make you feel better is your OH. If his parents aren't understanding then thats their prerogative but Im sure ur partner will love seeing you - just remember your home to revise.

Hoping you feel better soon x x x

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Is there anyway your OH can be with you, at your university? Maybe not full time, but at least for a while??

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Thank you so much Miss teach&nurse! It is comforting to have such lovely people on these forums.

I think there are a few possible causes of my panic attacks:
I feel as though I am starting to burn myself out at university by pushing myself too hard. I am doing very well at coursework, but whenever I think too much about revision for exams I worry, which leads to a panic attack. I constantly worry that I'm not going to be able to handle the stresses of my desired job of being a family-law solicitor. I also feel that I am panicing about my future with my OH. I know that I want to have children with him (even though we are both still young) and that I am only continuing my degree in order to earn money to be able to support my future family. I also feel quite lonely where I live in halls, because I only live with one girl, and she stays in bed for most of the day. When I wake up in the mornings I know I am going to be by myself when I'm revising for most of the day, so I panic and feel claustrophobic. I have started to go to my friends houses during the day to revise, which is helping quite a bit. ShaftMaster:
My OH wouldn't be willing to come to my university because he came back to our hometown last weekend to spend time with me. I am extremely grateful that he came back, because I know trains are expensive these days.
He has only just moved home from university today.
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Your over thinking life way to much.

I know its good to have a five year plan - infact i have a 15 year plan but i dont stress about it. Things change in life all the time - you just need to deal with the here and now - nobody knows what the furture is so dont second guess it!

Life is for living and enjoying. Stop stressing yourself out about your revision, then less pressure you put on yourself the more your notes will sink in therefore better marks!

I find it relaxing having a house to myself, you need to be comfortable with silence. Look at is as a positive - nobody annoying or bothering you, nattering on in your ear when your trying to do something.

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Miss teach&nurse wrote:

Your over thinking life way to much.

I know its good to have a five year plan - infact i have a 15 year plan but i dont stress about it. Things change in life all the time - you just need to deal with the here and now - nobody knows what the furture is so dont second guess it!

I completely agree. I remember when I was first at uni and had planned how everything was going to happen after I graduated. And guess what, it didn't!! That's not a bad thing though, it just means things turned out differently. I just took things as they happened, and went with it.

If your future is gonna happen exactly the way you plan it, then where's all the fun in getting there???

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Thank you so much Miss teach&nurse and ShaftMaster.

I know I am thinking about life too much! I will try to stop looking too far ahead, but it is hard not to when my univeristy is so adamant that we should be applying for training contracts 2 years in advance.

It's difficult for me because I am able to think logically about things, but with my mental state at the moment, it is difficult for me to put that logic into practice.

I do think it is better for me to go home to revise for my exam, but I do still worry about my parents reaction, because I know I am putting stress on my parentd because they are worrying about me a lot.

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MissAnonD wrote:

Thank you so much Miss teach&nurse and ShaftMaster.

I know I am thinking about life too much! I will try to stop looking too far ahead, but it is hard not to when my univeristy is so adamant that we should be applying for training contracts 2 years in advance.

It's difficult for me because I am able to think logically about things, but with my mental state at the moment, it is difficult for me to put that logic into practice.

I do think it is better for me to go home to revise for my exam, but I do still worry about my parents reaction, because I know I am putting stress on my parentd because they are worrying about me a lot.

what career are you looking at, if you don't mind me asking?

if you feel that you would be able to study better at your parents than tell them that, it may help them worry less if they can see you doing work and they can keep you calm. also usually when people worry about what their parents will think it's ten times worse than the actual reaction that you get.

remember as well to look after yourself. treat yourself to a nice bath ( or a coffee/hot chocolate if you like it)

if you haven't allready it might be worth informing your uni about the stress and meds so they can take it into account if you feel it affects your exams.

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Hi sweetlove666. I'm studying Law, and looking at a career as a family/child solicitor.

My parents are currently on holiday, so it is difficult to contact them! They are arriving back at the weekend, and it's actually my dad's birthday on Sunday, so I suppose my dad would like me to be at home. My sister is home at the moment too, so it would be lovely to see her!

Thanks for looking out for me! I've just had a bath and sat in it with a hot chocolate! :)

I have already informed my uni about my medication and stress/depression. They have been great and have allowed me to sit one of my exams in September, rather than this month, although I still have exams on the 8th, 16th and 23rd.

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Don't worry.

Way easier said than done. But I'm similar to you - I cry before every exam when I'm stressed thinking things like "if I don't do well in this *one* exam, I won't get a first class degree, if I don't get that I won't get on to my next course...if I don't get on to that course....", 5 minutes later I'm in tears because of the implications this one little exam will have on my life when I'm 40!

But I can tell you - you will do well and if you don't it won't matter all that much. People's lives take twists and turns and we make the best of every situation. You will end up happy.

Me - despite my stress negatively affecting my exams - I got my first class degree and now I'm living my dream, studying for a doctorate.

Try and figure out a coping mechanism - breathe and relax. Do the best you can and take comfort where you can get it.

Maybe if you plan a timetable of revision (and stick to it) so if your parents seem concerned about you being at home you can show them you are serious about getting your work done but you need to be in the best environment to do so. And at the end of the day - if they have issues calmly (and with tact) remind them that you don't need a big discussion about this as you have a lot of work to be getting on with and try not to worry what they think - you're an adult and it's your life you will affect by your decisions so it doesn't matter what they think.

Good luck. And remember - think of the bigger picture, don't get bogged down in detail!

Adxx

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MissAnonD wrote:

Hi sweetlove666. I'm studying Law, and looking at a career as a family/child solicitor.

im a few years ahead of you in this respect, but im on "the darkside" if you know what i mean so my knowlege of training contracts is basic.

your tutors are right that the training contracts usually have aplications up to a year or two in advance ( and if you get a place now people will usually let you complete the LPC while keeping your place)

however having a year out from the law after completing an LPC is not a bad thing either, it can give you experience in legal or other work or just time to do something fun.

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Alicia D'amore wrote:

Maybe if you plan a timetable of revision (and stick to it) so if your parents seem concerned about you being at home you can show them you are serious about getting your work done but you need to be in the best environment to do so.

A timetable seems like a good idea! I've just drawn one out and given myself specific topics to revise when I'm home and specific lunch and dinner breaks. Thanks!

It's nice to know that I'm not the only one who has felt this way about exams.

I spoke to my OH on the phone last night. He said he's worried that I'm getting myself into a comfort routine of going home whenever I'm stressed. He has hit the nail on the head there, but I feel like I'd rather have comfort during revision for exams than forcing myself to stay at university to revise and be unhappy.

I really need to change my thought processes about life. I told my OH that I feel like the only reason I am still doing my degree is because I want to be able to support him and my parents in future life. I know this is a silly way to think about my degree, because I should be doing it for myself. My GP and nurse have suggested it use CBT to help me change my outlook on life. Has anyone here used CBT before?

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sweetlove666 wrote:

however having a year out from the law after completing an LPC is not a bad thing either, it can give you experience in legal or other work or just time to do something fun.

I was really considering taking a year out after my degree to spend time carrying out internships/work experience, but I know I don't have a lot of money and it is hard to find interesting internships that pay well.

Once exams are over I will sit down and think about what I'm going to do! Thanks x

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MissAnonD wrote:

sweetlove666 wrote:

however having a year out from the law after completing an LPC is not a bad thing either, it can give you experience in legal or other work or just time to do something fun.

I was really considering taking a year out after my degree to spend time carrying out internships/work experience, but I know I don't have a lot of money and it is hard to find interesting internships that pay well.

Once exams are over I will sit down and think about what I'm going to do! Thanks x

well there's other things like paralegal and PI companies that want people with a law degree. main thing is to not stress about that aspect!

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sweetlove666 wrote:

well there's other things like paralegal and PI companies that want people with a law degree. main thing is to not stress about that aspect!

Yeah, I know I shouldn't even let myself think about it for now. I just need to get through these exams and then work on myself over summer.

I have decided that I will go home on friday. I'm going to ask my brother for £20 today, just to make sure I have enough in my bank account to cover the cost of a return ticket. I know my brother will think I'm being silly, but he doesn't understand the state I'm in. He finds it easy to revise and he has a long-term girlfriend here at university that studys the same degree.

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Hey there,

Looks like you've got some great advice already!

CBT is great. If it is the computer course version, not so much, but face to face CBT with a decent doctor has helped me a great deal more than counselling/generic talking therapy ever did. Consider it.

It will help you to be more in control of how you feel, and in a much more sophisticated way than just choosing to bottle things up or cry them out.

I hope you find a good way forward - think of your own needs above others for a bit maybe, so if you need to be at home to study, do it. If you need to be at home to lean on your OH and they are willing, do it.

Keep positive (I know it's not as simple as that, but try anyway) and know that the medicine and the endless low feeling can and will change in time.

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MissAnonD wrote:

sweetlove666 wrote:

however having a year out from the law after completing an LPC is not a bad thing either, it can give you experience in legal or other work or just time to do something fun.

I was really considering taking a year out after my degree to spend time carrying out internships/work experience, but I know I don't have a lot of money and it is hard to find interesting internships that pay well.

Once exams are over I will sit down and think about what I'm going to do! Thanks x

You say that you want to finish your degree in order to have better prospects in the future, so are you studying law because it has better prospects, or because you enjoy it? I know people who have degrees, and have then gone on to vastly different careers.

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I can really sympathise with what you're going through and right at this moment I think you're doing the best thing by going home and doing whatever you think will help the situation in the short term. However I would really say that after these exams are over you should maybe think about looking into a better way of dealing with this problem in the long term, because you don't want to end up like this every time you have exams (I say this because I'm currently going through something which sounds very similar myself).

I've had very similar problems reagarding exams over the last year or so, when I was never bothered by them in the least before. During some of my exams early last year I went through some pretty awful personal stuff, and then the next time I had exams I started having panic attacks, something I had never experienced before in any circumstances, especially exams which were something I always kept a very level head about. I struggled on through those exams, breaking down into tears on a regular basis, lying awake at night feeling like my heart was going to pound out of my chest and generally feeling horrendous because I was hardly even able to make myself eat anything. I got extremely clingy with my partner, like you've described. I couldn't bear him being out of the house, but of course he had to carry on with his life, college etc and he couldn't stay home with me all the time, so I just sat at home and got myself in a more and more panicky state.

When it came to actually getting the results it turned out that all that had absolutely no effect on my performance, thankfully! I've achieved distinctions or merits in all my exams despite still dealing with the anxiety problems. Although it's a bit better now, exam time is still a horrible period for me and it's something I have to face at least three times a year.

The way I've been tackling it is to try and get professional help and support, because after trying to struggle on for a while I came to the realisation that this was something I couldn't fix on my own, even with the love and support of my partner. To be honest it was him that pushed me to go and get help, he can't bear to see the state I get myself into and is so worried about me, and I'm glad he did push me because I don't think I would have made any improvement on my own. Does your university have a counselling service? That was my first port of call, and although I don't feel like I made that many practical steps forward with that due to the limited time and number of appointments they could give me, it certainly made me feel a lot better being able to talk to someone completely openly and honestly about it. The main advice I was given there was that I needed to find things in other aspects of my life that would be fulfilling, outside of my academic achievements. I don't know if you're anything like me in this regard, but sometimes my university work can become all consuming and I forget to look after my mental well-being, have some fun and stuff. Now I'm on the waiting list to see a psychiatrist after being referred by my GP, who I'm hoping will eventually will be able to arm me with some good coping strategies and solutions, maybe some CBT, who knows!

Just know that you are not alone in this, there are plenty of other people experiencing the same things you are, and there are people out there who can help :) I hope all goes well with your exams and that you can find a solution to your problems!

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Imogen wrote:

The main advice I was given there was that I needed to find things in other aspects of my life that would be fulfilling, outside of my academic achievements.

I think this time of year is hard for everyone. As a postgrad I don't have exams, I'm just working on my dissertation. Despite this, I'm still finding it hard as my relationship has been nearly two years long distance and is getting a bit shaky, and as a dissertation is all your own work without timetabled seminars, I do find it lonely as I don't get to see people or socialise enough, which both make me feel lonely, which thanks to my teenage years isn't something I'm the best at coping with.

Something that is made harder as even thought I do not have any exams, they have taken over the sports hall, and all clubs have effectively had to end the year early. Even socials aren't happening as people are either revising, or go home as soon as their exams are finished.

Luckily I'll be heading home to see my gf this week though, so remember that you're not the only one finding things hard, and in need of some company

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I think it is amazing how much the lack of other enjoyable activities can affect your ability to cope with other things, be they exams or whatever other stress you happen to be facing. I had never thought about it before, but I do have a real tendency to let all other things go to hell and focus on my studies, sometimes that can even include my relationship with my partner despite the fact that we live together and see each other every day, I'm lucky he's really patient and sympathetic! It's something I'm slowly working on but it's been surprisingly difficult to break the habit and get myself to go out and enjoy the other aspects of my life. And yeah I guess there are things that make it harder at this time of year with facilities being taken over for exam sittings and people being either busy revising themselves or away, so I totally understand that it could get really lonely. Around exam time I hardly ever see my friends because most of them are in the same boat as me. Hope you and your gf have a nice time together ShaftMaster :)