Long distance relationship... going tits up.

Sex Tips & Talk
1

I've been with my boyfriend for nearly 5 years though we have broken up many times during our relationship. I recently moved away to university and there's a 4 hour distance between us. At first I thought that we would be able to work it out as we had a 1 hour distance before we moved and we managed okay. But it just seems to be going more and more tits up as the weeks go by.

I wouldn't say that we have a great relationship as we argue a lot and I find myself becoming unhappy when I'm around him. That said, this guy loves me. He would do anything for me, he's attentive, he's romantic, he's committed and he's really really trying to make it work. I love him, we've been together for so long and we were only young when we met so I find it hard to imagine my life and my future without him.

But I'm becoming a different person. I'm more confident since starting uni, I'm training into a career that is my dream and I love it though I work long hours and weekends which means I cannot see him very much. I go out with my friends and housemates and I'm quite popular with guys which has never happened before.

I live my uni life and then when I see my boyfriend I become a completely different person, more quiet, shy, reserved, timid. He says he does not like the new person that I have become and in some ways I don't either. I feel like I'm leading a double life and things are beginning to go out of my control. I have cheated on him whilst drunk which I know there is no excuse for but I feel like I'm becoming two different people and sometimes I don't know which one I am... that probably makes no sense.

I really don't know what to do anymore. I'm so confused. If anyone has any advice I'd really appreciate it. SOrry it's a long post but it helps when I write things down.. x

2

Since you have known him for a long time, it is understandable you would have some feelings for him. But ask yourself: do you love him like a man, or just like a very, very close friend? I believe it is the latter, although I am not in your body and soul to judge this. You are the only one who can do that.

If you find out you love him as a friend - you can then stay friends with him and continue your life. But given the fact that he doesn't like the changes in you - would he be willing to still be your friend no matter how changed you are?

3

menyanthe wrote:

Since you have known him for a long time, it is understandable you would have some feelings for him. But ask yourself: do you love him like a man, or just like a very, very close friend? I believe it is the latter, although I am not in your body and soul to judge this. You are the only one who can do that.

If you find out you love him as a friend - you can then stay friends with him and continue your life. But given the fact that he doesn't like the changes in you - would he be willing to still be your friend no matter how changed you are?

I was going to say something along these lines.

You've changed and maybe left him behind a little. A LDR is hard enough as it is, without the fact that you're not happy.

It's always hard for people to look in from the outside but it looks like maybe a break would be a good idea, take time to enjoy the new you. There is nothing wrong in becoming more confident and enjoying going out - don't beat yourself up about this x

4

LittleKitty wrote:

It's always hard for people to look in from the outside but it looks like maybe a break would be a good idea, take time to enjoy the new you. There is nothing wrong in becoming more confident and enjoying going out - don't beat yourself up about this x

*That should be easy!

5

A lot of people grow up and change during uni (or around that age if they don't go to uni)- it's good that you're becoming more confident and starting to explore who you really are. As far as the guy goes, it sounds like you're conflicted between enjoying a young&single student lifestyle and the security of a longterm relationship. If you want to try the former it's unfair to keep him hanging on whilst you do so- he should be given the chance to move on and start making a new life too. I'm no expert but is it possible that all the arguing and recent tension could be down to the fact that both of you know deep down it's not going anywhere but are finding it hard to make that break? I've been in a similar situation before- neither of us were happy and the relationship had come to a dead end but we weren't quite brave enough to break up and just let things deteriorate until they were pretty unbearable and it got quiet ugly.

I'm guessing you still have at least 2years left at uni... do you think your relationship will be able to survive that? Is there any chance of him moving closer/things improving in some other way?

I'm not saying end the relationship, because only you two know how it really is. But my advice from experience would be to be brave and not to drag out a relationship that you know deep down has run its course (if this is the case)

6

My view on this is that ur own happieness should not be put second for his, i know this may sound selfish but if your unhappy around him why should you carry on seeing him? I know that its hard but you only get one life and you shouldn't waste it by being unhappy

7

I know what you are going through.

I got together with a guy when i was 16/17 after knowing him since in was 13 and we were engaged, mortgage, brand new car etc. We started to drift apart when i got a new job and i was meeting new people, going out more, becoming more confident within myself and generally just living life the way i wanted to. This guy was the perfect partner - attentive, loyal, respectful and always buying me little presents or sending flowers to work or making me dinner etc. I I then went back to uni to do a postgrad degree and meeting yet more people, filling my time with more things and generally broadening my horizons.

It was becoming more and more apparent to me that i did love him, just not as a partner - he was my best friend and flatmate and i just didnt feel that spark with him anymore - i felt that he wasn't inspiring me the way i wanted a partner to - through no fault of his own, as i said this guy was totally in love with me and put up with a lot of things most people wouldnt have. Therefore i did end up cheating on him - it wasnt intentional and as you have said, there is no excuse for it and i acknowledge that. This then spiralled into a whilrwind affair and i fell madly in love with this other guy. However i ended up living a double life for well over a year and only when this second guy walked away completely did i realise that the reason i stayed with my fiance for so long was the fear of the unknown and the comfort of what i always had.

So i walked away from my fiance of 7 years ( i am only 26 now). I am not gonna lie, it was not easy - in fact it was the hardest thing i ever had to do. I literally gave up everything - house, car, my best mate, my old life. Bu t i have never ever had such a sense of relief and deep down in my heart and soul, despite the pain and the pain i caused my fiance i knew it was definitely the right thing to do. I know i sound very dramatic here, but truly the strain had been lifted and i feel like a completely different person - more me, if you like.

So while i cant give you the easy answer, i think you have to really look at what you want out of life, and how you are going to get there and who is lucky enough to enjoy the ride with you. I now live with this guy i cheated with and i have never been happier or more content in my life.

I am sorry for my life story here, but as you said things become clearer when you write them down and it is only recently i can really talk about that time in my life. I am not proud of what I have done, but i am proud i had the balls to live for myself :)

Whatever you decide to do, i wish you all the best and hope you find what works for you xxx

8

I'm in a similar situation as you: long distance relationships are never easy, and when combined with a new, student lifestyle it often makes things ten times more difficult and ten times more complicated.

I moved to university three years ago, after being with my boyfriend previously for a year and personally, when I moved to university, I found myself and it made me realise that things between me and my boyfriend were exactly what I wanted.

In your case, as the guys above have kind of said, it seems as if you have realised that this relationship is not 100% what you want, and perhaps friendship would be more suited between you?

But please don't let the fact that you have been together so long hide away your true feelings:If you argue continuously and you are unhappy around him, it doesn't matter if you have been together 10 minutes or 10 years, sometimes in life you have to be selfish and do what YOU want to do. I also think if you have cheated on him, you unconsciously know that something is wrong in this relationship. It sometimes take a mistake by you to make clear of the confusing situation you are in.

Sit down and think about you personally: do what you want to do to make you happy.

Good luck with whatever you choose xxx

9

Thanks guys. I've just been feeling so awful and no one really seems to understand how I feel they just think I'm a bad person for the way that I've acted. I know deep down that this relationship isn't right anymore and I don't want to string him along whilst I go and live my student lifestyle.

I guess I do see him as a friend, when I last saw him it was so awkward, especially when it came to sex. He's lovely and romantic and I love the way that he kisses and cuddles me but there's no spark and it was so difficult to decide what we wanted to do together that weekend. When we are driving somewhere there is no conversation, I just can't think of anything to say.

I broke up with him for all these reasons a few months ago but then I decided I wanted him back and wanted to give things another go. He took me back without question and we were really good for a while. But it's all just fallen into pieces again. I've never been able to get over him, I don't think I've ever given myself enough time before giving in and getting back together. It's just so hard :(

10

dotdashdot wrote:

Thanks guys. I've just been feeling so awful and no one really seems to understand how I feel they just think I'm a bad person for the way that I've acted. I know deep down that this relationship isn't right anymore and I don't want to string him along whilst I go and live my student lifestyle.

I guess I do see him as a friend, when I last saw him it was so awkward, especially when it came to sex. He's lovely and romantic and I love the way that he kisses and cuddles me but there's no spark and it was so difficult to decide what we wanted to do together that weekend. When we are driving somewhere there is no conversation, I just can't think of anything to say.

I broke up with him for all these reasons a few months ago but then I decided I wanted him back and wanted to give things another go. He took me back without question and we were really good for a while. But it's all just fallen into pieces again. I've never been able to get over him, I don't think I've ever given myself enough time before giving in and getting back together. It's just so hard :(

Getting over someone, especially your first love, is hard and does take time- you just need to be strong. Going back and forth will just make things harder for both of you and cause more heartbreak. When my first relationship ended I had lots of 'moments of weakness' but thankfully(!?) he'd treated me like shit so I knew there was no way I wanted that again and found it easier to stick to my guns. It's a million times harder when things just fizzle out and there's a smidgen of doubt left. But if it's what you want then now's probably a great time to bite the bullet- whilst you're kept busy with uni, work and your new social life.

11

It sounds like you know what you need to do. It is hard, and it will hurt for a while, but really there is no question of staying together, is there?

Sorry, I could say more, but I'm not really the right person to give you this advice. Been there.

MrMr

12

Mr Monster wrote:

It sounds like you know what you need to do. It is hard, and it will hurt for a while, but really there is no question of staying together, is there?

Sorry, I could say more, but I'm not really the right person to give you this advice. Been there.

MrMr

I agree, but in the end only you know yourself what you want.... my first "love" was in America, we met while I was on a girl week in NYC and I fel head over heels we were together for 3-4 years, great times together/horrible apart. I know its hard right now as you still have feelings for him but I went through exactly what you did, I was a completly different person around him and I suppose that was the fear of being left/hurt but to be honest when I moved to a new city 2 years into the relationship and started to find out more about myself, I realised he was holding me back no matter how much I loved him. I called off our engagement and moved on.

Its not easy, I took it really bad but to be honest I've moved on and met a brilliant guy who is not long distance and to be honest I couldn't be happier.

Hang in there and you will know within what will make you happy. In my opinion if you are questioning it then something has to be changed/addressed :D

Good luck :)

13

Mr Monster wrote:

It sounds like you know what you need to do. It is hard, and it will hurt for a while, but really there is no question of staying together, is there?

Sorry, I could say more, but I'm not really the right person to give you this advice. Been there.

MrMr

I agree, but in the end only you know yourself what you want.... my first "love" was in America, we met while I was on a girl week in NYC and I fel head over heels we were together for 3-4 years, great times together/horrible apart. I know its hard right now as you still have feelings for him but I went through exactly what you did, I was a completly different person around him and I suppose that was the fear of being left/hurt but to be honest when I moved to a new city 2 years into the relationship and started to find out more about myself, I realised he was holding me back no matter how much I loved him. I called off our engagement and moved on.

Its not easy, I took it really bad but to be honest I've moved on and met a brilliant guy who is not long distance and to be honest I couldn't be happier.

Hang in there and you will know within what will make you happy. In my opinion if you are questioning it then something has to be changed/addressed :D

Good luck :)

14

"It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."

W

15

dotdashdot wrote:

Thanks guys. I've just been feeling so awful and no one really seems to understand how I feel they just think I'm a bad person for the way that I've acted. I know deep down that this relationship isn't right anymore and I don't want to string him along whilst I go and live my student lifestyle.

I guess I do see him as a friend, when I last saw him it was so awkward, especially when it came to sex. He's lovely and romantic and I love the way that he kisses and cuddles me but there's no spark and it was so difficult to decide what we wanted to do together that weekend. When we are driving somewhere there is no conversation, I just can't think of anything to say.

I broke up with him for all these reasons a few months ago but then I decided I wanted him back and wanted to give things another go. He took me back without question and we were really good for a while. But it's all just fallen into pieces again. I've never been able to get over him, I don't think I've ever given myself enough time before giving in and getting back together. It's just so hard :(

Why should people understand how you feel- only you will know what you truly feel inside, and people cannot judge you on any decisions you make! Well done for admitting the relationship isn't right for you- that is probably the most difficult thing to come to terms with, but it is the first step to a happier you! Good luck lovely xx

16

I agree with starlight, we can advice/chip in as much as we can but in the end you will know where it goes. I think what the battle is, I personally felt guitly ending it with a guy who seemed to not notice that I was changing or was oblivious to the fact I was unhappy.

Think about it.. then sit down and have a good talk :D

17

dotdashdot: trust me, you are not the only person who faced similar problem before. I have been through it as well, although not after 5 years, but about year and half. When me and my now several years ex boyfriend met I was actually a uni student in my home country, but 2 months later I got an offer from my current university and as I was really not enjoying the degree I decided to take it. And yes, move 1000 km away! Guess even worse than the distance between you two. I have to admit I changed a lot as well. I became more self-confident, met new people. I suddently got more mature, as I was constantly on my own, in the beginning in a country where I only was before on holiday. And we started to fall apart. My long absence would not be a huge problem, we actually lasted till the next summer after my first year, but it was just because we really cared. Arguments, breaking up, coming back, that was yes frequent. Last blow was when I was working and instead of spending a lot of time with him I had to fly to Romania for weeks of fieldwork. It was then when he broke up with me. I am glad I did, although it was hard at that time. I was alone among basically people I did not know. No friend, nothing. Although the people round me turned to be extremely supportive!

I think we just fell apart not only because of the distance. I think that can actually work, but because of me becoming someone else. Not completely. But I did change and so did my plans for the future. It is hard to leave, because there was something special between the 2 of you. But sometimes it is time to move on and accept that even the best try to make it work just sometimes does not work out. We actually are still friends and we are glad we broke up back then, although it took us over a year to find our way to friendship. In the beginning you just need to supress the urge to try. What helpled me was just write "him" what you feel, if you are not going to send it, you can be very honest and use words and expresions you would not otherwise. And as said, people cannot judge you. Sometimes the choice is hard, you may hurt him badly, but in time you both may be more unhappy if you don´t go, if that is what you want.

18

I guess it seems that it's not the distance that's the issue. It's the being in a different environment and growing apart. You could be living in two towns right next to each other and have exactly the same problem if the environments/experiences were different enough.

It seems a lot of couples grow apart....when I was in school there were at least half a dozen of us who were in long term relationships (over 2 years). Of those, I'm the only one left with the same partner I had in school. It's more common to grow out of a relationship. Especially if you have different experiences and grow in different directions. Luckily for me and WandA we were LD in school and moved together for uni, so we went through that massive person changing change together and grew in the same direction. Some couples end up miles apart from uni and end up with their happily ever after. But if that's not you, don't worry about what you "should" be doing or how you "shouldn't" be hurting him. In the long run, and I think you know this, the pain would be far greater if you stayed together despite no longer feeling happy in the relationship. You have to do what is right for you both, now and in the future. Is it fair on him, to spend time in a relationship that may be going nowhere?

I can't tell you what you should do - but it seems you've already made up your mind and just need the strength to stick to it .

You've got loads of support here, and I'm sure all your RL friends and family will support you too!

All the best,

Adxx

19

I agree with Alicia - among my contemporaries at university, my colleagues and my students - and even my own children their long-term partners are, with very fiew exceptions, people they met at university or afterwards.

I can think of only one notable exception to this - a friend who, after 6 years at university and, under significant parental pressure, married his childhood sweetheart. Unfortunately it did not go well for them, ending in a rather acrimonious divorce in a very short time.

20

I think you have to also recognise that people do change, I am not who I was when I was in my 20s.

Just thinking about all this, how did I cope with LDR when I find it hard to go a couple of weeks without the other OH. lol...