Boredom in a relationship.

Off-Topic Chat
1

Hi guys so I'm currently in a mental battle with myself about my relationship,

I am married to a beautiful woman and have 2 lovely children our own home and I guess what most people want growing up, however for about 3 months I can't shake the feeling of unhappiness / boredom, in the past weeks I've tried a few things to put a bit of excitement into our lives, from arranging surprise meals to small token gifts.

My wife noticed I was doing these things and asked why so we sat down and I explained how I was feeling and how I felt we as a couple wernt making effort for one another. She did agree but the response I got was well we've got kids what do you expect, so undeterred I thought I'd buy some lingerie for her to show her I still see her as a beautiful lady not just the mother of my kids, again her response was very underwhelming, so I thought I'd try a different approach and buy myself some underwear to see if that did anything but the reply I got literally shattered my confidence and has left me feeling down for a few days now.

She says she loves me and wants to be with me but her actions just constantly tell me different, I've always made sure I do a lot of the housework and spend a lot of time with the kids but the more I do the more my wife sits staring at her phone on social media or watching TV I'm generally starting to feel a bit of a mug, sex is literally once a week, 1posistion and no foreplay she's not interested in toys and doesn't believe we have any issues at all and is happy for our relationship to continue.

Sorry for the long post but we share the same circle of friends and talking to them could make things awkward.

2

Having read all your post I must ask if there are any issues she brought up? I think woman tend to have less of a sex drive, not always, but in general. I think having read your post ie gifts and doing housework then you are definitely doing the right thing. You never mentioned who deals with the kids? Maybe she is tired from that ? but I hate social media also. If you really love her then stick in there but there has to come a point where enough is enough and you start looking after you

3

I can see your predicament here, and i will write a few things from my own experience.

Having children does make it (more) difficult to get that quality time together, and getting time together can be really tricky.

It sounds like you're really trying to ignite some passion but that she's feeling a little flat. I'm wondering if you're familiar with the latest craze in relationship magicary, love languages. It seems to me that a lot of your efforts are in physical things be that gifts or in doing things, it could be that in order to unlock her passion you need to try a different tack. For example, those things do nothing for me, but a simple touch is the thing that works for me. If you google love languages there is loads of stuff on the internet. The key is to understand which one(s) your wife is, and reach her via those methods. I'm guessing yours are what they would call acts of service and gifts, but hers could be one of the others. FOr my own relationship, whenever we are going through a dry spell, remembering that we have different ways of showing and appreciating love really helps us get close again. I have to reach outside my own love language and use the OHs and likewise for her.

However, this all relies on willing and openness, so maybe there's some groundwork to do first - strip back all the add ons, just get some quiet time without the kids (even if that means sitting in a cafe while they play in a padded playboat) and talk about what's going on for her - maybe she's down, or maybe worried about something...!

Relationships are about give and take, and your being quite demonstartive of what you want, so maybe take a step back and try to understand what she wants - it might just be a cuddle, and from there you can build on the intimacy

4

waa did that post twice?

5

The kids are in school in the day and Im at home in the evenings she works for evenings a week so I'm dealing with homework, baths and that sort of stuff, she did bring up that I don't seem happy when I finish work so I have tried being more upbeat after work when I get home but it all seems to go unnoticed, her social media use is getting out of hand and when I suggested she may have an addiction she laughed although I can safely say she's on it at least 8 hours a day I've deleted the apps from my phone as I see the damage it does but her phone is never out of her sight for more than the time of a shower, I do love her and I do feel privileged to be with her, I just feel its not going to work with just me trying to improve our relationship, I've even suggested some time apart to miss each other but she thinks there's no coming back from that.

6

I'll look into it sum sub I'll try anything at the moment to make it work

8

I can't totally get where you are coming from. Looking back mg partner was literally in the same boat as you a few years back. I love him to bits but my sex drive was at a all time low.. he was the same as you, helps around the house, share the early morning with the kids ECT. I was super greatful but I would avoid sex at all costs. It's still embarrassing to say that now.. I was on the implant and I hadn't realised how bad it was making me feel. I still fancied him, I still thought about it, I just never wanted it. I couldn't be bothered. I would make things up like I was tired or due on.. it was awful! I can't imagine how he must have been feeling. I didn't even know myself why I was feeling like that. I ended up having it taken out and it took a good year to get back to feeling " normal" again. My sex drive is tight back to what it was before. .. now I'm not saying that this could be the reason , but it could be. And she might not even know it..birth control plays a huge part in libido. X

9

dont Wanna sound bad but just sounds like there is more to it. Think maybe having another chat and seeing if deep down there is anything bothering her would be where I would start.

10

I am sorry to hear this sam1002, did you two ever discuss her confidence issues and is that something that is still causing a barrier here too?

Sex or no sex the running of the house should be a joint effort, you both live there. So, If you address that, it may be best t to do so separately from the sexual side of things. I fear that if they are discussed as one topic or at the same time, it may be seen as you suggesting that you are doing housework so there for you deserve more sex, even if that is not what you mean. I know I would get defensive, so that is just my own opinion on that.

Sum Sub's words of wisdom are super helpful and will certainly address confidence issues if that is still an underlying theme to this.

11

No idea how well either of you are sleeping but knowing how kids can kill that and everything that goes along with it is a constant challenge for most people - particularly if your wife is working evenings.

Any chance you could both be knackered and your wife just needs space to chill out? Regular once a week shenanigans could just be a pacifier.

Is there any milege in finding out what exactly your wife is looking at on social media and seeing if there is an opportunity to share, join in and engage with her upon this?

If it's secretive social media usage then I'd be wondering what is more interesting than her kids and yourself that needs so much attention - sounds like this could provide a hook to open the door for the actual conversation.

Alternatively, try and get a weekend away without the kids and do something together - preferably with a phone ban (or pre-planned no mobile reception area!). What did you do together before the kids that injected some fun and laughter?

Fingers crossed for you mate

12

To me, she sounds a bit overwhelmed by the daily grind. Excessive use of anything to the point whereby a significant other is describing it as an addiction is seldom the behaviour of a happy, content person, even if she tells you she is so, I view that with some suspicion. The social media use just screams escapism, like she is trying to distract herself from the rest of her life as a not particularly great means of coping with it.

Why would you want to have sex when you are that unhappy except to just appease someone else? Why would you also want to admit you are not happy when as you said from the outside looking in she knows she ‘should’ be so? Hormones? Mental Health? Low libido? Just generally feeling baffled and trapped and unsure what to do about it? Who knows. I would suggest asking her to speak to a GP would be a great start and go from there. My best wishes to you both, I really hope the situation improves.

13

Really sorry to hear that Sam. I do hope things get better for you both.

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Personally this happened between me and my hubby. We have 3 children together finding time was impossible and I use to be happy with going every couple of weeks and really didn't want to expand or understand a reason. I have always had a lower sex drive and a lot of confidence body weight issues. We have started igniting things using toys lingerie and talking a lot more. Yes we still have tough times especially round my confidence but personally feel things have dramatically improved

15

Hello 'Sam1002', sorry you are feeling deflated and lost in your situation at the moment. I can understand how your confidence must be depleted at the moment.

You are trying to ask your wife 'what's wrong?' in the best way you can as well as helping with the kids and housework as much as you can.

So, praise enough to you for doing this and also for recognising something isn't right in the relationship and that you actually want to address it, rather than let things go on as they are.

If it's any consolation, a lot of relationships and marriages go through this sort of thing and it can get confusing and really tough sometimes.

I'm one of those people myself, I have been off sex for a while due to feeling so poorly at the moment. You never realise you will hit these unexpected obstacles in your marriage until you are settled and then unfortunately life gets in the way. This is extremely difficult as there are two people in the relationship.

For example, with my problems, if I were on my own, I could deal with things as I wish. However, now I have my hubby, my decisions and actions affect him too, as I'm sure you will notice from your relationship and others' around you.

To be honest, I've been worried, if I don't get back into things soon (full sexual activity), I may lose my sex drive completely or forever. Realistically, I don't think this would actually happen.

I guess I'm also worried about him 'missing out' and going elsewhere for it. I know he loves me to bits and he assured me he would never do that to me, and I believe him because I love him.

I totally understand how you must be feeling as I imagine my husband feeling this way. He knows I'm poorly though and we just find other means once or twice a week to 'relieve' him, if you like.

He says, 'We'll just get more into things when you are better', which I respect him for saying that.

All I can say is you're doing all the right things, trying to encourage your wife to feel in the mood.

The only thing you can do now is get some alone time together (without distractions or the kids) and just communicate with each other.

This time together does not have to end in sex. I'm sure you'll feel better just knowing you've properly 'talked' about stuff and hopefully come to an agreeable solution together (whatever that may have to be). This is so important in any relationship.

I think it is very endearing you have said you have a beautiful wife, tell her this and that you don't want to lose what you both have worked so hard for (especially the lovely kids you've had together).

Tell her how you are feeling and ask her how she feels about what you have said, and the way 'you' feel. Honestly, if you really love each other so much (which I am not doubting), this should be a good opportunity for you both to successfully lay your cards out on the table.

I really hope you can find out what is going on in your wife's head for both your sakes, and tell her you understand how life can be so hectic with the kids, but you still desire her and want to love and be intimate with her, despite this (and how tired 'you' yourself are).

As for the social media thing, it can get really addictive and I know sometimes when I have been on my tablet for ages on here, playing games, emails etc. My husband feels neglected and lonely.

I have listened to this and reduced my computer time as much as I can, so I can have more quality time with him, even just watching a film together. Tonight, I found some time to give you my take on your issue, which is good, as I love helping others.

I hope I have helped, even if you have advice for me in my situation too, I would most welcome it.

Take care and let us know how things go for you. 🙂

Hope you feel a little better from reading this. x Emerald.

16

Thank you for posting about this Sam. This is a problem I am currently having too and appreciate you sharing.

17

Hi all little update after taking on all your amazing advice, I had a long discussion with my wife about the direction I felt out realationship was heading and too my surprise she genuinely seemed quite shocked I felt it had slipped so far, so we have agreed between us to make more time for one another whether it be just a walk or even a chat with no TV on for 10 minutes just to engage 1 another as a couple, as for her social media usage she did acknowledge that she spends a lot of time just browsing Facebook due to habit and is going to try to put the phone down more as she didn't realise how long she spent staring at it, she does have confidance issues which have affected her sexual appatite but I understand stuff like that can't be rushed and too much pressure would just be more damaging, I think I only needed to see she still cared and that's enough too make me want to keep building and strengthening our relationship, so I'd like to thank you all for your advice and kind words it has really helped probably save my realationship.

18

Thank you for your post it was a real eye opener from a different point of view, I hope you get well soon and your husband seems like a top man putting your health before his desires, the main thing I've learnt from all the replies I've had on here is talking is the best tool any relationship has, working together can only make a realationship stronger is my new thing to go by.

19

Ah this is great news Sam, glad you and the wife have talked things through and are now moving forward together.

20

Glad you're feeling more reassured about your relationship Sam.

Thanks for the lovely comments too if they were intended for me, my hubby is a top bloke.

Take care and you can get through anything together, so keep on communicating!!

Well done for having the balls to bring up your worries with her. 😊

21

Well done Sam, very pleased to hear this.