So I’m in a new relationship, we are only approaching the 3 month anniversary of our first date.
At the start of our relationship we used condoms, and he didn’t seem to have much of a problem finishing… but since I’ve had a coil fitted and we stopped using condoms, he’s been struggling to finish. I don’t know if there’s a connection, but figured it was an interesting bit of detail.
He gets frustrated, and whilst I am cool with it during the moment, I’m left with doubts afterwards. I’m wondering if he’s not turned on enough (though he has no problem getting erect) or whether I’m not doing the right things (though my technique didn’t seem to be a problem before?)
What do you think I should do?
We use toys regularly, but nothing specifically designed for him, like a cock ring… do you know of any toys that might help him get there? I want to help him but don’t know how
Does he take Viagra? Or does he suffer from ED?
Could it be he doesn’t trust the effectiveness of the coil? Or has he always used condoms and it “feels” different?
Sorry can’t think of anything else at the moment @ScarletRose …I have experienced this and it was ED and also from taking Viagra.
No I don’t think he takes anything, he didn’t seem to have any troubles before, but they seem to have developed recently, or gotten worse, it seems to take him longer and longer to finish, and sometimes he never gets there…
We did have a conversation about it, and I said it’s normal to not be able to orgasm sometimes, and that I struggle to with ‘losing’ the orgasm at climax. I’ve tried to comfort him about it, and even suggested play that doesn’t involve orgasm to take the pressure off. I think he likes the way it feels, he enjoys the intimacy, but maybe condoms do provide some extra stimulation or something? I do get really wet and maybe I don’t grip him enough?
Pop a condom back on and see if that helps?
After a few ‘failed attempts’ it can start to get a bit psychological, especially in a new relationship where you feel the stakes are a bit higher.
Maybe falling back on the condoms may help give you both some space to figure out if it’s a small trigger (eg. stressed that day) or a bigger one (eg. fear of pregnancy)?
He’s reluctant to wear them now, I asked him to wear one the other day because I didn’t want him to come inside me as we were going on a long walk, and he got upset… So I’m not sure the suggestion would go down very well! But I’ve been thinking it might help. After he agreed to wear a condom he did actually come. He says they just ruin intimacy and aren’t sexy, whereas I don’t care…
There could be a bunch of reasons that he’s having problems with finishing. It could be stress. It could be that he’s so used to the feeling of condoms that going without is making it more difficult to get off. It could be performance anxiety (because people put a lot of emphasis on the fact that going without condoms is meant to feel great which can make people nervous). It could be a medical issue.
The best thing I can suggest doing is talking about it. Communicate with him and encourage him to do the same with you. If there’s anything bothering either of you, encourage communication with each other. You can also experiment. Try out toys specifically tailored towards men and couples (vibrating cock rings for example).
If it’s becoming an issue and going on for a long time them maybe suggest he contact a doctor just to rule out any medical reasons.
I hope you’ll manage to sort things out
thank you, he manages to come sometimes, just not others, and it takes a long time… I do think stress/anxiety are playing a part…
Communication is a big big part of my relationship ethos, I believe in open communication, and whilst I’m not sure he’s used to it, he’s getting better at it. I also don’t want to overdo it, and have the fact that he can’t come to become an issue.
I’m keen to explore other things with him that don’t involve orgasm, such as bondage, impact play, etc. I’ve also suggested that maybe sometimes he can just look after me, but he said that might make him feel too much like he’s servicing me (which was disappointing)
I think I’m going to try a cock ring, it could help… I’m just wondering how to frame it so it’s not a ‘solution to a problem you’re having’ kinda thing… he’s a bit sensitive…
It is tricky… I thought it was me not being good enough too…and I also felt because he wasn’t having an orgasm he wasn’t getting satisfaction and finishing himself off when I wasn’t there.
I bought a pack of cock rings “to try” but they are still in the box…
I didn’t want to stress about it and that make it worse…
You know him…maybe talk but tread carefully?
THIS - how to talk but not to add stress? I might try putting a cock ring on him during a kink session, I might tie him up and introduce it then… obviously telling him first, but incorporating it into play rather than it being “I bought these let’s try them”
Sometimes if my OH it too wet? Too much lube of really just wet wet wet then I loose feeling of my penis in her vagina and just sometimes finishes fail?? Could this be a factor for you @ScarletRose
Yeah I do get really wet sometimes… not sure what to do about that though
I really liked having my nipples sucked. That can bring me back to bubbling if I’ve gone off the boil.
Is there a special move he may like?
@ScarletRose It’s not romantic but dry off!! Make it sensual do it with your panties and offer them up for him to huff on or wrap them around his member and masturbate him with them?
Only a suggestion but it’s quite hot
I’ll ask him, there are definitely things he enjoys a lot, like biting his neck, but there might be more we could try for sure
Hmmmm I might try this next time… I never really thought about it
If it’s because you are now in charge of contraception? You could talk about the effectiveness of it…
Has he read something about feeling the strings or anything?
@CurvyJilly you mean feeling the coil strings?
A few things that have helped me ‘get over the finishing line’ with the wife over the years:
When in missionary or girl on top holding onto her bum at same time gives a slightly tighter sensation;
Again in missionary, holding him tight to pull him in closer and scratching his back (lightly to begin with, harder if he likes it);
If he’s up for it and you can reach, some (v light) anal play - tease his bum with your fingers - that’s my wife’s ‘go to’ move to get me to finish and it works every time for me;
Bit of porn if you’re both into it and you don’t feel awkward/threatened by it
Finally, my wife used the coil for a few years and I never noticed a thing - was a pretty good form of contraception though my wife found her periods tended to come round bit more frequently than usual.
Is there some anxiety about the coil failing or stabbing his penis during sex?
He’s not mentioned anything about the coil, I really don’t think it’s that