Boyfriend losing control

Sex Tips & Talk
1

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 months now, and I'm starting to realize our sex life - though great - is going a little too fast and I'm kinda worried... Our relationship spurred from a 1 night stand so we've been having lots of sex since the beginning. Ever since I told him I am a masochist and I get turned on when I'm hurt he started grabbing me really hard and hitting me. We both get carried away but when we finish I'm covered in bruises on my arms butt but boobs more than anything else. Also yesterday he was rubbing my panties against my labia really hard and the textile hurt me a lot and I even bled a little due to the wounds. He then stuffed my panties inside of my vagina and anus and thrusted me really hard while they were inside. He removed them and we had anal. I lost my anal verginity, but the condom broke so switched to regular vaginal intercourse. I mean we were both confused by the experience but he really does seem to lose control sometimes and I don't know how to help him? I love him and he genuinely seemed sorry afterwards and said we need to take a break because we do act as if we were addicted.

My questions are... 1) does this sound like normal sex that a couple in love would have; 2) has anybody else ever experienced something like this; 3) how to cure sores around the vagina due to intense rubbing? Can I put aloes on it? And how long until they're gone?

Also, do you think it would benefit our relationship if we abstained from having sexual intercourse for a couple of weeks/15 days or longer? I'm really sore now and we both agreed we should take a break but when I sleep over or he does we just can't!

2

Health wise you need to heal up before anymore sexual intercourse hun. I am not a doctor but open sores like that may need to be looked at by one if they are not healing on their own.

I try hard to keep an open mind and if soemthing is pleasurable between two consenting adults I think it is ok. But if you are NOT comfortable with what is going on now is the time to address it.

3

Hi Floxxie, I'm going to sound like a real fuddy duddy now but, this doesn't sound like it's very consensual. There is a difference between rough sex that you both enjoy and some of the things he is doing to you. You need to speek up and say that you like rough fun occasionally, on your terms, not all the time. If he doesn't change his ways within a week or so then I would call things off.

His behaviour sounds like it's bordering abuse, please be careful. What would you say to a female friend if you saw her with bruises and wounds like yours?

I apologise if I sound rude, but you really do need to look out for yourself.

4

the mere fact you are second guessing it says it all.

1. no
2.no
3. sudocreme,

you can like pain thats fine, but to physically injure you. no.

🐼

5

I don't think it sounds right to me at all. The first thing you should do is have a talk to him about how you feel. You guys could agree on a safeword which he has to respect. If hedoesn't do that, I would leave him. Everything should be on your terms.

6

I agree with people here. If it's consensual, then it's fine, (unless it has medical impacts), but you sound like you're not totally ok about this. Then, I would advice as Fun Louise said. Talk to him, and if it doesn't calm down or he doesn't respect you and your limit, then the reltionship should be ended.

Also, keep in mind that it may not have permanent consequences for now since it's happened only a few times, but with time, if it keeps being a constant thing, you may have to deal with permanent health dammage (and psychological ones as well).

Take care of yourself dear

7

If you're concerned about it yourself then there definitely isn't something right. The type of sex you're having there needs to be trust and some kind of respect- which he doesn't seem to have. Also starting as a one night stand wasn't a good relationship beginning to start with ...

8

To be honest this scared me a little. I couldn't see much in your post suggesting you enjoyed any of this and if he felt like he needed to say sorry then he knows he over stepped the mark.

Sex between people in love takes many many different forms but not this. Rubbing you with enough force to cause you a lot of pain and make you bleed doesnt sound right. I'm sorry if I sound judgemental.

You must speak with him and set some firm boundaries of what is acceptable for you (whatever this may be) and he MUST respect than. If he can't then you need to show him the door.

whatever you do, please be careful.

9

What concerns me is that you said you were worried it's moving too fast. It really seems like you are not comfortable with this. Nothing is unusual when it comes to sex as long as its legal between consenting adults but this did make me a little uncomfortable.

Two months is such a short time, do you know him well enough to know this is far as he will push it? Do you think maybe he could get even rougher? Romance can blossom from a one night stand, I'm walking proof as over a decade down the line and I'm married to my one night stand!

You need to talk to him, set boundaries. After a couple of months I don't think I would be allowing someone to do that to me after such a short length of time. Let yourself heal, as panda said sudocream will help. Try abstaining, make sure there is something in the relationship other than the sex. Look after yourself.

10

Hi Floxie, welcome to the forum.

You've come to the right place . we don't judge just discuss.

Male perspective, this sounds a little more than rough . yes you need two weeks minimum. Vaginas are amazing things it will heel but keep it dry and n scented soaps. Pain cotton panties.

My thoughts also are your young and not that experienced so bruise and get sore quicker than some. However I feel its still to much. Its serious time . sit down and chat with him. Communication is the key be frank and honest. You don't want to be scared or hurt permanently.

Good luck and stay on the forums for advice.

11

Hi Floxxie,

If I may ask, how old are you both? Have either of you had any experience in BDSM relationships before? Or are you both totally in new waters navigating blind?

First of all, anything consensual is between you two, no judgment here. I've been on FetLife for about 18 months now and some of the bruises and other more gory stuff on there... let me tell you, an eye opener and no mistake. However, while not into that particular aspect myself, I know and understand that this is what being a masochist is all about - the pain gets them off, makes them wet/hard, whatever. But it's a scale, not all masochists are made equal, some only enjoy the very light, very mild stuff while others love the really extreme stuff, and plenty inbetween.

Ask yourself; what kind of masochist are you? Are you enjoying all these sensations? Or are some of them too much for your current boundaries? I stress current because these are subject to change. Your masochism can grow and evolve as your experiences and relationships do, and they can also shrink just as easily, and they can change from partner to partner, too. All things to consider. It seems like you need to both have a discussion about boundaries, safewords, etc. These are very important.

I'm hesitant to call it outright abuse because of his own reactions, confusion, and suggestion to slow things down. It only becomes abuse if you knowlingly allow him to do things you don't want and/or he knowingly ignores your communication/signals.

If you aren't already, I suggest you both give FetLife a look and maybe join up. Have a good snoop around as there are plenty of groups, tips and advice threads, discussions, pictures and writings on there that you might find helpful. If you are in new waters there's plenty of sadists and masochists of every shade and shape out there who could help you navigate.

12

Floxxie wrote:

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 months now, and I'm starting to realize our sex life - though great - is going a little too fast and I'm kinda worried... Our relationship spurred from a 1 night stand so we've been having lots of sex since the beginning. Ever since I told him I am a masochist and I get turned on when I'm hurt he started grabbing me really hard and hitting me. We both get carried away but when we finish I'm covered in bruises on my arms butt but boobs more than anything else. Also yesterday he was rubbing my panties against my labia really hard and the textile hurt me a lot and I even bled a little due to the wounds. He then stuffed my panties inside of my vagina and anus and thrusted me really hard while they were inside. He removed them and we had anal. I lost my anal verginity, but the condom broke so switched to regular vaginal intercourse. I mean we were both confused by the experience but he really does seem to lose control sometimes and I don't know how to help him? I love him and he genuinely seemed sorry afterwards and said we need to take a break because we do act as if we were addicted.

My questions are... 1) does this sound like normal sex that a couple in love would have; 2) has anybody else ever experienced something like this; 3) how to cure sores around the vagina due to intense rubbing? Can I put aloes on it? And how long until they're gone?

Also, do you think it would benefit our relationship if we abstained from having sexual intercourse for a couple of weeks/15 days or longer? I'm really sore now and we both agreed we should take a break but when I sleep over or he does we just can't!

Sorry but I don't like the look of this, you are in real pain and thats not good. Bit different to spanking paddles ect. Very worried about some wounds, please look after your self.

13

Some great advice here. I would add that you need to work out what you want from a relationship, and set some boundaries/rules that have to be respected by your partner. Also you do need to have safe words in place for when things get beyond what you are comfortable with, or you want everything to stop immediately. There are lots of different levels of maschochist play, and you need to find your own level - not his. I would suggest you take things more slowly from now on.

With regards to your wounds, I would suggest bathing the area with some salt water, and allowing time to heal. Please look after yourself, and don't let anyone get carried away and do harm to your mind or body xx

14

I agree with the others' concerns...it's all fine and dandy if you both are consensual and know how to do these things safely, but your doubts don't sound that way. I recognise that different people enjoy different sorts of pain, and it's really between the two of you, but a few precautions and a little planning can go a long way to ensure you both stay safe. Last thing you want is a trip to the A&E!

I think you need to plan how these things will work out, establish safe words and agree to stop when it's used, lay down specific rules if necessary. I know it sounds like it kills the fun, but part of the reason these things are pleasurable is because you know your partner just wants to pleasure you (and not just himself), and is looking out for your interest.

15

This sounds mildly concerning. Sex should always be a safe act between two concentual adults, which i know thatyou both are, but if it has reached the point where you know that you are concerned with his actions or you are worried about where the relationshipe and more specifically, the sexual side of the relationship is heading, that should be a red flag.
I'm no doctor but i would say definitely no more intercorse until your wounds have healed.
As for everything else, it sounds like you should sit down and have a chat with him if you are concerned with where this is heading.
By what you have said, he might be feeling the exact same way and be wanting to talk to you about it too.

I would also stognly suggest having a safe word if you intend on maintaining a relationship like this in which either party will immediatly stop if anything uncomfortble is happening.

Please look after yourself and i hope you are able to resolve this issue soon xx

16

Eager2please has is right.

For those not into S&M , I am sure this must seem horrific.

I do not like it myself. Boyfriend and I are well into the milder aspect of B&D which can and does include some pleasurable pain.

And sure the alphabet labels can be confusing.

The thing is with sadists and masochists, these are their desires and needs. To hurt/be hurt.

And frankly the things Floxxie is describing are actually kinda mild compared with what some sadists and masochists get up to.

Granted the rule with all sex play is safe, sane, and consential does seem like it is thrown out the window with S&M and there are some institutions in Europe that are indeed trying to label such wants and desires as a "mental illness" but for the most part, I don't think there is something WRONG with sadists and masochists, it is just not what I and thankfully my boyfriend is into.

What it does sound like Floxxie, is you 2 have not talked it thru. That is dangerous.

He is hurting you more than you want and you are not letting him know.

You 2 need to get outside of the bedroom and sit at a table fully clothed and DISCUSS your limits!

Because right now you 2 are way out of synch.

You 2 must talk about EXACTLY what you 2 expect and want and need from each other.

They way you are doing it now is the exact opposite of a healthy way to be in the lifestyle.

Please talk it completely thru with him. If he does not wish to and will not respect your limits in pain and damage, then he is the wrong partner to satisfy your masochistic desires.

Even those in the master/slave relationship discuss it thoroughly and most often have an actual contract that they enter into, so that each know exactly what they are getting into.

amber

17

I'm only going to repeat what other people have said, but I actually think the more you receive th ame inforation the better.

First of all I will start by saying I'm a totaly masochist, I enjoy pain for sexual pleasure. Anything from scratching to impacy play that leaves heavy bruises. So I do understand that inclination. And absolutely that can be part of sex between a loving couple. During play, I've both received pain and inflcited pain.

However, that has come after lots and lots of communication and building of trust. And we didn;t jump straight into that, we built up to it, and we build up to more intense things. I know lots of friends, including couples in a 24/7 Master/slave dynamic, who probably have bruises somehwere at all points in time. However they are treasured from enjoyable times together, from consensual acts, where each partner is being considered and cared for and all boundaries are being taken into consideration at all times.

It sounds to me, like while you have these tendencies and would know doubt love to explore them further. Your boyfriend sounds like he has zero understaning of the very fine blance you need to find between sadist and masochist. Quite often people who know nothing of the lifestyle just thinks someone being a masochist is an invitation to no holds barred pain, and that so isn't the case. The scale of masochism varies massively and your partner absolutely has to learn where you fit on the scale and work to what brings you pleasure.

I absolutely second a visit to Fetlife. While it may take some time to get used to navigating, it is full of really hepful information.

I also think you need to have a really frank conversation with your boyfriend and tell him that as it is things are absolutely not okay, and see if he would be willing to take things slowly with you so you can both learn a little bit more about what it is you'd lie to incorporate into your play. If however he seems unwilling to learn, or tries to tell you what he's doing is 'right' then I would be moving on very swiftly.

Good luck with everything and please do come back to us if you have any further questions. There are lots of people on here with plenty of experience in the BDSM lifestyle x

18

To me, this sounds like you have both got caught up in the thrill of being with someone who is into naughty, dirty, kinky sex and you haven't stopped to think about it.

You need to sit down together and talk. Don't do it when either of you is horny or straight after sex as emotions and chemicals are all going a bit crazy.

Forget about labels, talk about what you both want. Below is not an exhaustive list, it's just to get you thinking.

You say you get turned on by pain, well what kind of pain? Is it a desire to be hit or just held down roughly with no regard for your comfort?

You mentioned bruises, what don't you like about them? Is it that you didn't enjoy the acts that caused them or you don't like the bruises themselves? Impact play can leave marks and it can difficult to avoid that.

Do you like being "used and abused"? how do you define used and abused?

Do you have a list of things you aren't willing to do? (Hard limits) and a list of things you might like to try but aren't ready to yet (soft limits)?

Do you have a safe word? Many people use the traffic light system and I think this could work for you. Red means stop now, green means I'm fine and orange/amber can be adjusted to suit your needs, you could use it to mean "keep playing but stop doing that act" or "don't go any harder" or "im close to my limit".

Are you actually enjoying the sex while having it? This type of play releases various chemical reactions in your body. When you've stopped having sex, these chemicals stay in your body for a while (sorry the exact science of this isn't my strong point), but will fade. The saying what goes up must come down? Well that is your body after this type of sex. Both you and your partner may experience this "drop" which can cause confusions and negative feelings about the play. This can happen instantly or it can take a couple of days to kick in. You need to make sure you both take care of yourselves and each other after play. Cuddles and reassurances that you love each other and you are important to each other. Make sure you drink plenty of fluids and have some nice food. (Sugar is good but don't go too OTT) And then for the next few days, check in with each other and generally look after yourselves.

I hope the above makes some form of sense. Not had my morning tea yet!

19

I want to mirror what everyone else has said.
It does sound as though your boyfriend hasn't got a clue and has got caught up in the thrill of it all. I wonder where he has got his ideas from. Porn springs straight to my mind of where he's got his direction, whereas his direction needs to come from you.
It might be worth going through a bdsm checklist available online, together and use that to help with communication.

it does sound as though he is being sincere with his apologies. I hope you can both move forward from this just communicate and take things slowly.