Hiya guys, this is my first time posting, so hi to you all before I begin!
I've been having a browse around here for a couple of weeks and you all seem a very friendly bunch and I have bit the bullet and thought I would ask for some advice. Please delete this, if this isn't allowed.
Ok. I am in a great relationship with my partner, we have been together now for a couple of months short of 2 years. It is both our longest relationship. We are very open with eachother on all levels, including sexually. I've been having a few issues lately with after sex, feeling very vulnerable which often leads to crying. I find this usually comes from quite an intense session, vaginal, oral and anal. Usually I find I have to iniate the sex when it comes to anal, but after sex when it comes to cleaning up I feel very very emotionally distant and vulnerable.
I had a very negative experience with my first boyfriend about 6 years ago, he forced me to have sex with him against my will. I had lots of bruises on my wrists, arms and my neck, and also possibly some tearing in my vagina. A couple of years ago I had visited a "friend" in his dorm, and tried to assult me while I was sat in a chair. Luckily I manged to get away fairly unhurt but I don't want to go into details. I have always tried to be confident and ask for what I would like, but find these feelings of being confident and turned on rapildy change into shame/guilt/embarrasment/vulnerability afterwards.
My partner knows my history. I thought I actually had tried to deal with this and I was over everything. But I am not sure if my past experiences are related to this. I feel ashamed and fear that my partner is turned off afterwards, even though he says it was really hot and he enjoyed every moment, but I just can't seem to believe him. We have spoken about my past, and he is very very supportive and always wants to take and do things at my pace as he doesn't want me to feel used in any way.
I hope all of this made sense? I'm sorry if I'm rambling but I wanted to know if anybody else had simalar experiences or feelings as myself? Thanks for listening to all of this. Does anybody have any advice they could share with me please?
Honestly id be surprised if you didn't have some issues with sex after those experiences, it sounds like you are doing amazingly well but thats some major stuff to deal with. Have you ever had counselling after what happened to you?
Its good you are open with your partner, you need support when you feel that way and not someone questioning you about whats wrong. Just dont feel bad about feeling these things, its not your fault and its understandable given your situation. Take your time and only do things you want to do. Hopefully with time as you build trust those negative feelings will lessen.
I agree with Dali above. I'm not surprised you have some issues too.
It is a little harsh on yourself to say "I thought I actually had tried to deal with this and I was over everything." It sounds like you had tried to deal with this, and had got a long way there.
The thing about the mind is that it associates emotions and feeling with all sorts of things - actions, particular phrases, smells etc., and will trigger those feelings whenever those things come up.
It sounds like your partner is a decent guy with a good attitude to this.
I would therefore agree that a counsellor may help you to sort things out. I had depression quite badly a couple of years back, and my counsellor had the knack of getting to the root of the issue.
I agree with Dali above. I'm not surprised you have some issues too.
It is a little harsh on yourself to say "I thought I actually had tried to deal with this and I was over everything." It sounds like you had tried to deal with this, and had got a long way there.
The thing about the mind is that it associates emotions and feeling with all sorts of things - actions, particular phrases, smells etc., and will trigger those feelings whenever those things come up.
It sounds like your partner is a decent guy with a good attitude to this.
I would therefore agree that a counsellor may help you to sort things out. I had depression quite badly a couple of years back, and my counsellor had the knack of getting to the root of the issue.
Good luck with your journey.
+1
It sounds like you've come a really long way since what that bastard ex did to you. And the so-called friend.
I'm amazed you can even have any kind of sex let alone find pleasure from it after those experiences. I guess finding the right partner will certainly help you feel more comfortable, and it sounds like your guy is understanding. Just hope he makes it as awesome for you as it is for him!
I've sometimes got emotional after sex with my OH, and I didn't know why, but maybe it was the intensity of my feelings for him at the time. I think sex can make you vulnerable anyway.
I agree about talking to a professional, either a sex therapist or counsellor. As an alternative, if you don't like talking to outsiders, then you could try a journal, and write your feelings down. I tried that once, and it was quite revealing what I wrote about how my mind was affecting my enjoyment of things.
Dont be ashamed of feeling emotional though, it may be what you need to deal with things! When you say you feel distant, is that because you're trying to suppress the real emotions? Like fear, anger, betrayal of trust? Sorry if I'm bringing anything back that upsets you, but sometimes numbness (i.e. emotional distance) is a safety mechanism to stop you feeling too much pain... hugs to you honey. xx