Break up and depression.

Sex Tips & Talk
1

Hi guys.

I haven't been around for a few months- I think I've posted a thread similar to this before but I can't seem to find it at the moment (bloody iPad!)

Anyways. At the end of 2012/beginning of 2013, I started feeling really down and generally pretty rubbish about my 5 year relationship. I have been diagnosed with depression in the past and assumed that I was slipping again, but it felt different this time. I realised I was no longer 'in love' with my boyfriend, although I did, and still do, love him more than anything.

I decided in my head that we should split up- I wasn't happy and although it would be so, so difficult, we both deserve a happy, balanced relationship.

WELL...

We didn't split. I just couldnt do it. There's always been something in the back of my mind that thought that if we did split up, my boyfriend wouldn't handle it as well as I would and I really didn't want to screw up his life that badly- He's been working hard on two big projects for the past 5 months, both in uni and work, and on top of that he's had exams for both... I didn't want to leave and feel guilty if he did badly. I know this is a poor excuse, but he really needs both of these things to go well for him at he moment- I care about him and I don't want to essentially put his future in danger.

We did have a talk, and I explained that I was fed up with our relationship- I love him, but I'm unhappy. He said he understood but didn't know how to fix the problem at the moment- we don't see an awful lot of each other and when we do, we are stuck in a routine.

Nothing was done, and we both just carried on as if nothing had been said. And now here we are.

He's been snapping at me a lot lately, and I have been off with him too. We had a big chat last night and I told him that I didn't feel the way I used to about our relationship. He said it was all his fault- he has been feeling down for months and he doesn't know what to do about it or what' wrong with him and it's "obviously rubbed off" on me. I told him not to be silly- it's no ones fault, sometimes relationships struggle and you just have to accept it and work at it, or move on. He said it sounds like I want to break up, which isn't what he wants at all. I explained that I don't necessarily want to split, but I want us both to be happy and maybe the solution is actually to be apart for a while.

After a looong chat, I get the feeling that he's actually depressed. He thinks our relationship problems are all his fault, and he thinks that everything that's going to happen in the future (he's starting a new job soon, and wants to move house shortly after) is just pointless because he won't be happy no matter what happens. He wants things to be "how they were before", not just in terms of our relationship but everything- his job, how he lived when he was living away for uni, friends, etc. I know he was really excited about this new career change and everything else that he has going on, but he seems to have just lost that spark for it. He also said he has "more sad days than happy days" now, where as before it was the other way around. I don't know how long he has been trying to (or not to, as it seems..) deal with this.

I do want to take a break from 'us'- I think we both need to work on our own problems before we tackle 'our' problems as a couple- but I'm so scared that he won't be able to handle it. He sounds like he's in a pretty dark place at the moment and I don't want him to get worse. I suggested to him to go to the doctor and offered to go with him for support... he needs help, and I don't want to leave him, and let him deal with this alone... but at the same time, I don't want him to feel like that's the only reason I'm still there, and I don't want to end up hating him which I think is what will ultimately happen if I stay in a relationship in which I'm not happy.

What do you guys recommend? When I was depressed, I dealt with it alone and it was hard, but I was embarrassed. I understand now that that's really stupid, so I'm glad he's finally told me about this. I feel for him, and I do care about and love him.

I don't know what to do.

2

Wow, Sounds like you're both taking some tough hits at the moment, And I truely feel for you both.

I myself am in a relationship where we have both suffered from depression at one point or another, Weve had some awefull fights and she was eventually unfaithfull, We broke up 4 years ago or so for about three months which was really hard on me.

Anyway, Every couple is different and every individual is different, What worked for us is the fact that once things came to a head and we split, We soon both realized how much we loved eachother and where we were going wrong etc so we made up, And decided to give it one last chance, But set a list of ground rules.

One of them was to go for couple counceling/therapy.

Now although myself and my oh stopped in the end, We have still made changes because we dont want to lose eachother. and we dont want our son to be a child that is shared between parents on weeks and weekends etc...

Basically we are at a point now where ok things may get too much at times and we may get fed up, But our love for eachother is great enough that we stick by eachother and wee're working our arses off to make it work.

As for being in love, then just loving. I know what you mean, And I know its really hard, I think its different for different people, Some feel desperately in need to stay in love, Where others are content to Love eachother without being in love if you know what I mean?

Sorry Im blabbering,

My point is this, It sounds like you're both at breaking point, Maybe you dont have to split up, But maybe now is a great time to step up to the plate and say to your selves its make or break time, Go get some help, ( Theres no reason why you cant have individual and couple counceling over the same time ) I suppose it depends on how strongly you both want this to work or not?!

You sound like you both love and care about eachother, I may be wrong but I hope this isn't it for you yet and I hope you can find a solution that works for you both as a couple.

If I think of anything else I'll chime back in :) Hope I have helped so far anyway xx

3

While it takes time to recover from depression once on the right track things usually start to feel better, more controllable and less desperate. So my initial advice would be stick with him and help, but whatever you do be mindful of your own happiness and well being. If things do not start to improve meaningfully, albeit slightly, quite soon then look again at what might be best.

Depression ruins lives, but often indirectly because it is too easy to blame the wrong things in our lives.

I have a fair bit of personal experience and am happy to chat in private if it will help, my email is on my profile.

4

Also, I try to remind myself and my friends that nowadays breaking up is too easy. IMO its the easy option. I dont mean that dissrespectfully and I in no means imply that this is your way of thinking, Its a general thought I have about it.

Only recently my younger brother and his wife broke up after 12 years of marriage, No sex for half of that time.

The thing is they never communicated, Didnt have the time to sit and talk, And now, Smack bang all of a sudden, Thats it, Over. No passion, No intension to even have a go at making it work.

Just makes me sad & feels like they've given up way too easily! Anyway, I wont let my feelings about that spill over into this. Sorry.

5

Thanks both.

This has actually helped. Nice to just get things off my chest and say it out loud.

Thanks for the advice. Hope you're both doing well, too :)

6

Seduced, I think you are onto something bit it is not the breaking up that is easy - it is the zero communication that is easy and once that sets in the rest is damn near inevitable. :(

7

Two very practical questions -

Will he have a break from uni soon? Finishing one of the big projects will give him some more mental space to work on whatever's going on for him. If he'll have a bit of a breather from all of that pressure soon, it's probably worth waiting to take on other things.

Are you both eating decently?

I'm going to leave that in its own paragraph because it can be a significant factor in depression. Someone I knew well was severely depressed, suicidal and hallucinating because he wasn't eating decently. As serious as all of that was, the key to getting him out of it was to get him to eat. Not counselling, not medication, just food. And less coffee, too much of that was one of the ways he kept hurting himself (it depletes important nutrients like B vitamins which protect against depression).

Are you both taking care of yourself in this?

8

Noon wrote:

Seduced, I think you are onto something bit it is not the breaking up that is easy - it is the zero communication that is easy and once that sets in the rest is damn near inevitable. :(

This too. Im scared if she went down this path they could grow distant, Where I feel they could actually fix this instead. A break could possibly have a negative effect on a relationship that has the potential to stand the test of time.

9

Massage oil help us loads.

Sounds daft, but every couple of weeks, one gives the other a massage and we (I) feel a lot closer.

Intimacy matters, apparently.

10

I know you're both feeling low and unhappy and that you've tried to break up with him before but couldn't do it... but really is this relationship what's best for you?

I don't want to sound harsh but sometimes it's better to just call it quits and move on.

I had the same thing with my ex boyfriend. A five year relationship that started when we were in school, thinking that he was it and that I could never leave him, bouts of depression from both of us and a dreadfully unhappy relationship that I just couldn't end.

It dragged on for years, I can't end it because I love him, because he's stressed at the moment, because he threatened to kill himself if I did, because his Dad is ill... I went through every excuse in the book not to end it. Or ended it and then went crawling back.

And then when it finally ended for good, when it was finally over... everything was just better. Of course I was sad for a while, but I picked up the pieces and moved on with my life. And I'm so much happier now.

It is not healthy. You are young and if you are in a relationship that is making you both this unhappy then you need think seriously about why you are still putting yourself through this crap.

11

dotdashdot wrote:

I know you're both feeling low and unhappy and that you've tried to break up with him before but couldn't do it... but really is this relationship what's best for you?

I don't want to sound harsh but sometimes it's better to just call it quits and move on.

I had the same thing with my ex boyfriend. A five year relationship that started when we were in school, thinking that he was it and that I could never leave him, bouts of depression from both of us and a dreadfully unhappy relationship that I just couldn't end.

It dragged on for years, I can't end it because I love him, because he's stressed at the moment, because he threatened to kill himself if I did, because his Dad is ill... I went through every excuse in the book not to end it. Or ended it and then went crawling back.

And then when it finally ended for good, when it was finally over... everything was just better. Of course I was sad for a while, but I picked up the pieces and moved on with my life. And I'm so much happier now.

It is not healthy. You are young and if you are in a relationship that is making you both this unhappy then you need think seriously about why you are still putting yourself through this crap.

Seduced wrote:

Noon wrote:

Seduced, I think you are onto something bit it is not the breaking up that is easy - it is the zero communication that is easy and once that sets in the rest is damn near inevitable. :(

This too. Im scared if she went down this path they could grow distant, Where I feel they could actually fix this instead. A break could possibly have a negative effect on a relationship that has the potential to stand the test of time.

You guys are so spot on. We hardly ever communicate in any real way. We hardly ever talk that much, just little bits of useless chat. We never talk about our (as in 'our') problems- I'll tell him my problems (work, money, family, etc) and same goes for him but we very very rarely talk about 'us'. DDD, thanks so much for that, also. It's really helped me to put things into perspective. Sounds exactly like what's happening with me right now.

Rose hip- I don't eat properly, really, and he eats better than me but not great either. I'll have one meal a day and snack for the rest of the day, but on stuff that's not even worth eating- one square of chocolate, or a cracker, or a biscuit. Some days I skip the meal and just have the snacks. I don't do it on purpose- I work betwen 6-3 everyday so skip breakfast every day, have 2 cups of tea on my breaks at work, and will start eating at about 4 when I get home. I'm generally quite dehydrated a lot of the time too as I don't drink very much at all- usually the two cuppas and I'm done for most of the day- I'm working on it but it's so difficult to force myself to drink when I'm not thirsty.

He'll eat a main meal and a smaller meal every day but is a fussy vegan- he eats some type of pasta or a meat-alternative and potatoes for every meal.

Thanks everyone, for your advice and insights :)

12

From the sounds of that, it's very possible that neither of you are actually depressed, just malnourished. Pasta and potatoes are limited nutritionally, so he's missing out on a lot and you're starving yourself.

You can make all the changes in the world, but nothing's going to really change until you each start taking better care of yourselves. Please find a way to get some food in yourself earlier in the day. It will help with so many of the things you're struggling with.

13

All relationships involve a 'cost/benefit' ratio. When the costs of maintaining a relationship outweigh the benefits of the relationship, you naturally want to end it. Ultimately we are all self-interested. The relationship is providing you with few rewards so you want out. Your boyfriend is 'low', and so he has a lot invested in your continued respect for, and value of, him. This 'value' of him is confirmed by your being willing to have him as your 'boyfriend'. If you no longer give him 'boyfriend' status, he will inevitably feel even more worthless than he currently does.

It's 'high stakes' isn't it ?! Your happiness versus his. So you are understandably in a dilemma.

But I don't think you have too much to worry about. You've establiished with him that things are unsustainable..... effectively in terminal decline. He's acknowledged that there's nothing he can do about it. It's just a matter of letting things slip away, EVER so gently.

Be firm with him that you need to move on.... and that in the longterm that will be best for both of you. Be unstinting in your continued 'love' for him. He needs to feel that, or he'll go down. He will put a lot of pressure on you not to finish the relationship, but gradually he will come to accept that you are going to meet other guys. Maintain a really nice, supportive friendship with him (there's no need for that to end)..... and meet new men.

Good luck QueenC. And even more for your ex.

14

Lifebuoy wrote:

All relationships involve a 'cost/benefit' ratio. When the costs of maintaining a relationship outweigh the benefits of the relationship, you naturally want to end it. Ultimately we are all self-interested. The relationship is providing you with few rewards so you want out. Your boyfriend is 'low', and so he has a lot invested in your continued respect for, and value of, him. This 'value' of him is confirmed by your being willing to have him as your 'boyfriend'. If you no longer give him 'boyfriend' status, he will inevitably feel even more worthless than he currently does.

It's 'high stakes' isn't it ?! Your happiness versus his. So you are understandably in a dilemma.

But I don't think you have too much to worry about. You've establiished with him that things are unsustainable..... effectively in terminal decline. He's acknowledged that there's nothing he can do about it. It's just a matter of letting things slip away, EVER so gently.

Be firm with him that you need to move on.... and that in the longterm that will be best for both of you. Be unstinting in your continued 'love' for him. He needs to feel that, or he'll go down. He will put a lot of pressure on you not to finish the relationship, but gradually he will come to accept that you are going to meet other guys. Maintain a really nice, supportive friendship with him (there's no need for that to end)..... and meet new men.

Good luck QueenC. And even more for your ex.

Would this not be cruel on him, even if unintentional???

I've been there and I ended up hating her for it, It always felt like, "I dont love you anymore, I need to meet other guys, But we can still be friends right? even though I just crushed your heart."

Trust me, That hurts like hell, And my broother bless him is going through the same thing right now, And its horrible watching him hurt while she seems unphased by it all!

I still believe breaking up isnt nessesseraly the best option here. Me and J were there, But we worked through it and we are far happier now, And STILL together. Yeh we have some issues that still need sorting, But we know we can get through them because we've got this far, We can go much farther!

Hope this helps :)