So whenever my mood takes me there, depending on the position, I am able to slip a finger In my partners ass. This really gets me going, I love it. my partner loves my reaction to it, so he lets me do it. He always says afterwards he feels gross, wishes that I didn’t and then reminds me that he only does it for me and because apparently I really go for it when I get the opportunity. He’s no stranger to me doing it while I’m giving him a wank also. He tries to deny it, but I know when I do it, it brings him closer to cumming, but always insists It’s because of me, my facial expressions etc while I do it. I do tease him sometimes, but I generally know he’s happy for me to do it. So I tested the water a few weeks back and mentioned that I’d like to push it further. I just outright said, I’d like to use a toy. He was like ‘really. What on earth’ laughed and said I’m crazy and gave me an immediate no. As in never going to happen. It’s not a deal breaker for me, but it is something I’ve fantasised about since asking. I kinda feel like I’ll react the same way I do with a finger. Prior to the first time I slipped my finger in, he’d have most likely been against it. Would’ve said no, However, heat of the moment it just happened and both somewhat liked it and it progressed and continued to happen from there. It now happens regularly.
I’m just wondering if there’s anything I can do, that’s not too drastic, as in just going for a full toy or strap on, because he’d most likely put a stop to any ass play, but something that can take us to the next level and potentially over time get to my fantasy, I don’t want to freak him out in pushing too much. I’m happy to be patient x
Please respect his decision. You’ve asked, he’s said no. If he thinks on it further and changes his mind, I’m sure he will let you know but until that point, just drop it.
Also, just because he physically likes the sensation when he is mid sex act, doesn’t equal consent or that he wants it.
What you can do is accept him saying no as his answer. Its not consent if you keep asking or pushing his boundaries until he says yes.
And inserting a finger, he tells you he feels gross and wishes you didn’t do it, and you continue to do it?
Consent is someone enthusiastically saying yes. If he’s not giving you that, then you shouldn’t do it. No matter what it is or however you interpret his reactions.
This is the same as with the watersports, he says he doesn’t mind, so you don’t do it because he doesn’t want it.
@Shannon41, this sounds like how our pegging journey started. Wife would insert a finger in me when an opportunity would arise and I really loved, but felt weird afterwards. One day we had been using a toy on her when she gave me a bj and inserted her finger and as I was at that point of ecstasy she inserted her vibrator. After I was not sure what I felt, felt quilt confusion. After we talked about it and wife assured me it didn’t have anything to do with my sexuality and not feel guilty. We didn’t do anything like that for a while, and one day she brought up pegging. We had a long talk about it again and decided to move forward. We have been pegging now for over 12 years.
Though at the beginning I enjoyed the feeling I was confused. What broke the ice was direct and honest communication. Both of us open and listening to the other before taking that next step. Have that open and honest discussion.
@Shannon41 please stop playing with this man’s ass he has told you he doesn’t like it. I’m the same as you I would like to give pegging a go. My partner has said he doesn’t want to and doesn’t want anything inside his ass. He let me put a finger in once but said he didn’t like it afterwards and I’ve never done it again.
@Shannon41
I have to agree with what others have said. It seems he only allows it (reluctantly) in the heat of the moment to please you. Yes, he may get turned on seeing your reactions, but that doesn’t mean he gets lots of pleasure himself from it.
I think you may have to back off for a while. If he questions why you have stopped doing it, then you can discuss it and listen to his opinions. If it turns out that he is only doing it for you, then that is not consent sadly.
When I got together with my second wife, we were like the proverbial rabbits and she would often finger me and she promised to peg me with a strapless dildo I had bought.
As I have shared elsewhere, she has gone “off the boil” recently and if I ask her to touch me, I’m now called “gay”, so I know pegging is well and truly off the menu!
I love the feeling of fingers and toys inside me and the orgasms are so intense…especially when I hit the “P” spot, but, i fear it will only ever be solo play now when I’m alone.
I know you haven’t received the answers you wanted, but the person receiving has to enjoy themselves too. If he’s adamant that it’s not for him, you will have to stop unfortunately.
As others have stated, he told you no, that’s his decision, and you should be respecting that.
There is no ‘taking it to the next level’ to get to your fantasy if he’s already told you that he doesn’t like it.
The fact that he tells you after that he wishes you didn’t do it should tell you everything and should be enough for you to stop pushing him. The fact that you continue doing it is a red flag to me.
Pushing someone until they give in is coercion, not consent.
If he thinks on it without your pushing and influence, and then changes his mind, that’s a different story, but from what you’ve said, it sounds like you’re not listening to him at all and not respecting his decision.
I think your partner thinks the same as my husband. When I suggested it to him he considered it and said that he was not gay!! I assured him that it was not a gay practice between a woman and a man and that I would really like to try it. We read up about it and he finally decided to give it a try. After quite a bit of practice with various butt plugs and lube , used by the both of us, we reached the first time with a strap on. He was ready and willing. He said it was a bit uncomfortable but we both enjoyed it.
It maybe worth having a conversation around why he is so anti.
Since he lets you touch and finger, try a vibrating toy, but only on the outside. It really drives Mr. wild! Then talk to him about it after and ask him if he liked it. If he didn’t like it then stop. If he did, get one that vibrates and can be safely inserted. I recommend trying the ditto. It’s not too large and has good vibrations. Then you can let it do it’s job while you do whatever else you want. Happy experimenting!
Defo need to respect his boundaries but also if testing the waters then maybe get a small massage toy that’s not intimidating to look at and see if in the moments he enjoys it
Ok… so i know that having been with my husband nearly 20 years, we have become accustomed to what we like and dont like. We have a spreadsheet of every sex/ kink act that you could think of that we mark with yes/no/maybe and revisit it regularly.
When it comes to anal acts, im fine with it on me but he is a maybe. I will occasionally ask if he wants to try but hes just not there yet and may never be. That doesnt mean that in the heat of the moment im going to push his boundaries knowing that he will probably enjoy it. Im going to wait until he is ready. He has no issues about sexuality etc… hes just not ready.
The fact that your partner has said he only does it to please you should be your sign that he personally doesnt want to do it and you should stop and not do it again! Revisit occasionally in the form of a conversation outside the bedroom, ask if he wants to do some research ( theres alot of videos on the LH YouTube channel), have a look at the website together and if its still a bo, respect your man in the same way he hopefully respects you!
I’m so glad you responded, after just reading the initial comments, I was kinda worried about how I’ve come across. If he ever said no and didn’t want it, that’s fine and I’d never go ahead. Like you say, he does enjoy it, and even more so for me. But there is confusion sexuality wise afterwards. I definitely reassure him that it’s nothing to do with sexuality. He’s had conversations with his friends about it, in front of me and kind of shrugs it off and says it’s nice. We’re able to laugh about it. Because he has enjoyment in it for both of us, I was only wondering what the in between would be, so a little more than a finger but not as extreme as a toy just yet. I haven’t pushed either as in I haven’t mentioned an in between, it’s just something I thought about if that situation was brought forward by him. There’s never been an issue with consent. And I’ve only ever brought up the idea of a toy once. He said no and that’s fine.
When it does happen in the moment, he guides my hand and then lets me. I never just go for it. Also to reiterate the point of consent … one way or another there’s lube, oil or spit, so he’s fully aware that it’s going to happen and like I say it’s always guided. Thank you for commenting, I appreciate it
He guides my hand always and there’s always some form of lubricant going on wether it’s lube itself, spit or oil, there’s always an awareness and the opportunity to say no, he has had conversations with his friends and said it’s nice and laughed it off. I think my point in saying he feels gross is the fact that he feels like there’s an issue with sexuality in liking it, but this is not the case and I’ve reassured him with that. He has said no to a toy when I put that across once and it’s never been brought up again. I was just curious as to what the in between would be. As in more than a finger but not quite a toy. just incase he ever brings up the idea. Like I’ve said no issue with consent. Sometimes before sex he’s asked me to do it before I’ve even had the thought of having sex in the first place
He guides my hand and there is always some form of lubrication and the obvious option to say no. I’ve put in the other comments too, I think he worries that it’s a matter of his sexuality, but I’ve told him it’s not the case.
He has at times asked me to play with his ass before I’ve even had the thought about having sex. I was just curious as to what the next step would be if it’s ever brought up
Ok, so as a victim of assault in the past. This has hit home. I quite obviously didn’t look at the context of this and in all fairness I didn’t read it back to see how it sounded. Lesson learned, apologies, so let’s start again…
Upon first trying any ass play with my partner, we were having sex and I grabbed his ass, I was running my hands up and down his body and got near his ass and he moaned, to cut it short, he guided my hand and it went from there, it was never something either of us had expected to enjoy, from then on it became a regular thing. We always use lubricant wether it be lube, spit, oil etc, and it’s always guided. Sometimes he has even asks me to do so before I’ve even considered sex in the first place. In terms of ass play and fingers, he does exactly the same to me, always lubed up and ready to go, with consent either way.
I love ass play and he does too! Although when we do finish he says he feels gross, like it’s gay, hence the issue with the feeling of his sexuality. I always reassure him, that’s it’s between he and I, and it’s not a question of sexuality. He has had these conversations with friends in the past and laughed saying it feels nice.
We had a conversation about using toys but he said no which is fine. He said he loves my reaction and how I feel when I’m doing it, and enjoys having a finger, especially with oils might I add, and has even asked for me to lick his ass (that’s a whole other story) but Is not willing to go any further. I’m more than ok with that,
However my curiosity is, If he ever did bring the conversation up and he was willing to go further, what’s the in between? So not quite a toy because I think it’d be too much too soon, but where do you go next. It was just a generic thought, not something I’m trying to push on him, I’m just interested in the journeys other people had gone through.
He’s anti because it feels like it’s a question on his sexuality, generally speaking he’s always up for anything weird and wonderful, but with that he feels like it’s only a gay thing and that he shouldn’t enjoy it. I do reassure him.
I’ve heard his Friends tell him in conversations that they’ve had one night stands and have had girls just slip it in and couldn’t understand why they would like it so much. I think sometimes just a case of it not being spoken about openly between males, so makes it an automatic taboo
Sounds like he is enjoying it very much, but needs reassurance that YOU don’t think it’s gay. I (male) had similar feelings when I started anal play… I wanted it, it was my idea, it felt great, I knew I wasn’t gay… But I needed to hear that from my wife.
I think you are on a healthy path of discovery, just reassure him whenever he says he thinks it’s gross or gay, I suspect he is just playing devil’s advocate so that you will reassure him
