Choosing to be gay.

Off-Topic Chat
1

I've just watched such a wonderful video on YouTube, where random members of the public are asked what their opinion is on why people are gay.

I've always been of the opinion that sexuality shouldn't have a label, and love is love. As for 'why' which I think is highly insulting, I think people are just born that way. I don't think you can make a choice.

I was surprised to see so much negativity about it, obviously they have chosen the more extreme clips, but a lot of people were saying its a liftstyle choice, or there's 'something wrong with their brain' that makes someone gay.

Then the people interviewing these people who thought that being gay was a choice, asked them one final question..."So, when did you choose to be straight?"!

Their responses were brilliant, and they were pretty much stumped on that question.

I'm pretty certain that everyone on this forum is open minded, and I don't think that anyone here would actually say that being gay is a choice. I'm hoping that this video goes viral, but just in case it doesn't, I want the lovehoney community members to casually ask people 'is being gay a choice?' And see what their reactions are. Then ask them 'when did you choose to be straight?'. I think it's a really powerful way of making people think, and if you can ask one person, and they ask someone else, and so on and so forth, we can really get people thinking, and relate sexual preference to their own preferences.

One day, hopefully soon, people will all realise, that love is love.

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2

It's just sheer ignorance. And what bothers me the most is people who think they're better than people who love someone of the same sex. We're all on this world together, no one should be better or lesser than anyone else, in any regard, not just in sexuality.

It's one of those things, along with racism that really bothers me. I hope that in the future, arrests can be made for homophobic comments, just as people can be arrested for racism.

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Thanks Stephanie, that's exactly the one I watched! It's really inspiring.

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amandammmm wrote:

We had a discussion at work where a couple of the women were repulsed by the thought of gay people, I was shocked!!

There's someone I know who is trying to adopt with his partner and I am very supportive of them.

I agree that no one can help being gay, it's just who you are!! Just like my favourite colour is green I don't know why I like it, I just do!!

I read a report last month that smoking in pregnancy may cause the gay gene. The professor who conducted the test was very homophobic in his report. I was angry reading it!!!

I don't chose to be 5'2" with blue eyes, I don't chose to have naturally straight hair, I don't chose to have small breasts, I don't chose to prefer tall men, I don't chose to prefer facial hair to clean shaven faces, I don't chose to prefer tea than coffee, it's my body, it's how I was born!!

Some people should get a life and realise that not everyone is like them.

Phew!!

Some of those are actually probably more environment-related (nurture) than you think. But I fully agree with the central point.

Of course, how you come to express your natural gender-orientation is also dependent on the environment to some extent.

5

This is a great subject and applies directly to me.

Growing up, I was uncertain. I thought I fancied girls, but I thought I fancied lads too. I say 'thought' because a fantasy is a fantasy, and personally I have a really hard time telling if I 'want' something (sexual and otherwise) until I've actually done it.

My first erotic experiences were with guys. Teenage experiments and nothing heavy at all. I was 21 before I kissed a girl and 22 before I lost my virginity.

Over the years I have found that women (with very rare occasions, and it's usually the more 'masculine' ones) just don't do it for me. At best it has been nondescript, and at worst has felt extremely awkward. I'm not grossed out by the thought of being with a woman, but I certainly can't get myself aroused thinking about it. But thinking about being with a guy almost always excites me.

So I have come to deduce that I am 'mainly gay'. Let's say 95% for the sake of debate.

But on rare occasions the sight of a woman can make me stop and think...'maybe I would'. And those will be the less feminine types. Miley Cyrus for example caught my eye when she ditched her old look and went for the short hair and those nice strong-looking arms she has. She's quite fascinating, and maybe I 'would'. Not that I would ever get the chance of course!

That being said, I've never had the opportunity for an encounter with a more masculine woman, so for all I know it might still fail to satisfy. I do know though that encounters with guys certainly do satisfy, even though my experience in that area remains limited.

Given all of the above, I suppose one could argue that I 'chose' to be gay. Or it could be said that I 'realised' I was gay, having been unsure until theory became practice. Or just maybe I was born this way but was too confused as a teenager to make sense of it.

I'm a very liberal person and I hate it when people try to categorise individuals as A or B. Maybe some people are born one way or maybe they change as time goes by. Doesn't make their preferences any less valid. It's a shame when people try to put individuals in boxes because all it really means is that they have yet to open their minds to the possibility that a person is just a person - and once you realise that we're all unique in our own ways you can then see just how rich, diverse and exciting the world can be.

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6

MrsMcX wrote:

It's just sheer ignorance. And what bothers me the most is people who think they're better than people who love someone of the same sex. We're all on this world together, no one should be better or lesser than anyone else, in any regard, not just in sexuality.

It's one of those things, along with racism that really bothers me. I hope that in the future, arrests can be made for homophobic comments, just as people can be arrested for racism.

I believe they could be... But with a right wing Govt, media, and legal system... it would probably need to be a major breach.

7

I have a friend who is gay (he's male), and he said exactly the same thing as you, he said he was 95% gay. We were talking about him 'coming out' to his parents, who were massively shocked, had no idea at all, and didn't have the best reaction. He found it really hard to be around his family for a couple of years, until he had a boyfriend, and they started to accept the relationship. We were talking about this 95%, and he realised the remaining 5% wasn't necessarily his attraction to women, but it was a tiny attempt at leaving some 'leg room', to try and make his parents happy, and to feel like he was more accepted. He said he doesn't 'feel gay' he doesn't 'feel straight' he's just who he is, but a small part of him wants to conform and wants to please his parents, and I think that's so terribly sad that he feels that way.

8

Reminds me of the god/science question. If you want to go as far back as possible then god created Adam and Eve. They were created to reproduce and continue the human race. Without the x&y that cannot happen. Fact of life. So as for the question of being straight it's not through choice but through design.
The brain(science part) is really the flaw in Adam and Eve. It's not a pre programmed feature of a human. By design it thinks for the individual. It isn't through choice to be gay but it's through how the brain becomes programmed throughout life. It won't be through conscious decision at any particular moment.
Design suggest we are straight but the brain writes our software.

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Stuburns wrote:

Reminds me of the god/science question. If you want to go as far back as possible then god created Adam and Eve. They were created to reproduce and continue the human race. Without the x&y that cannot happen. Fact of life. So as for the question of being straight it's not through choice but through design.
The brain(science part) is really the flaw in Adam and Eve. It's not a pre programmed feature of a human. By design it thinks for the individual. It isn't through choice to be gay but it's through how the brain becomes programmed throughout life. It won't be through conscious decision at any particular moment.
Design suggest we are straight but the brain writes our software.

Intelligent design as an explanation for life lacks intelligence.
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Speak up Alastor. You have an opinion? Don't sit on a fence without adding your nail!

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MrsMcX wrote:

I have a friend who is gay (he's male), and he said exactly the same thing as you, he said he was 95% gay. We were talking about him 'coming out' to his parents, who were massively shocked, had no idea at all, and didn't have the best reaction. He found it really hard to be around his family for a couple of years, until he had a boyfriend, and they started to accept the relationship. We were talking about this 95%, and he realised the remaining 5% wasn't necessarily his attraction to women, but it was a tiny attempt at leaving some 'leg room', to try and make his parents happy, and to feel like he was more accepted. He said he doesn't 'feel gay' he doesn't 'feel straight' he's just who he is, but a small part of him wants to conform and wants to please his parents, and I think that's so terribly sad that he feels that way.

Sexuality is one of those areas in life that isn't binary, it's a whole spectrum of varying possibilities. Heterosexuality at one end homosexuality at the other and then lots of combinations in the middle. I think gender is the same, it's not binary it's another spectrum of variations. The sooner people realise that love is love, and self expression is better than chiding one's true nature then the better the world will be in the long run, well that's my penny's worth on the matter anyway.

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Zaquiel wrote:

MrsMcX wrote:

I have a friend who is gay (he's male), and he said exactly the same thing as you, he said he was 95% gay. We were talking about him 'coming out' to his parents, who were massively shocked, had no idea at all, and didn't have the best reaction. He found it really hard to be around his family for a couple of years, until he had a boyfriend, and they started to accept the relationship. We were talking about this 95%, and he realised the remaining 5% wasn't necessarily his attraction to women, but it was a tiny attempt at leaving some 'leg room', to try and make his parents happy, and to feel like he was more accepted. He said he doesn't 'feel gay' he doesn't 'feel straight' he's just who he is, but a small part of him wants to conform and wants to please his parents, and I think that's so terribly sad that he feels that way.

Sexuality is one of those areas in life that isn't binary, it's a whole spectrum of varying possibilities. Heterosexuality at one end homosexuality at the other and then lots of combinations in the middle. I think gender is the same, it's not binary it's another spectrum of variations. The sooner people realise that love is love, and self expression is better than chiding one's true nature then the better the world will be in the long run, well that's my penny's worth on the matter anyway.

Right on Z... love is love, and for that matter lust is lust. I'm not going to be bound by any label, but one thing I know... I didn't choose it, I like to think it was a blueprint I couldn't altar. I know one thing.. ignoring it is a form of torture. But education is the key to understanding :)

13

This thread just reminds me of Westboro Baptist Church. Seeing 5 seconds of them is enough to make me take the side of the gays. Most of the haters' arguments against them are quite frankly pathetic.

There are actually gay animals and homosexuality goes back further than most people think.

14

This is a subject that society needs to debate more not politicians. My brother is gay came out when he was 16 our family has never treated him any differently and I have several gay friends of both sexes. I don't think they choose but I do think they maybe born that way.

I saw a very interesting documentary a few years back about scientist stressing rats in pregnancy and the offspring were gay. Between my brother and I my mum lost a baby after birth and had 1 still born. I can remember a lot of concern over my brothers birth and whilst she was carrying him. My brother and I are like chalk and cheese. I am your stereotypical male beer swilling rugby playing loudmouth or was. He is articulate smart and quiet.

Now before you all jump on the we are normal , nothing wrong with beinging gay I agree. But ( I expect to be in a bit of trouble for this and have had the homophobic badge thrown at me) I cannot stand the persecuted minority stance that SOME do take. It was wrong for 2 gay men to book into a Christian elderly couples B & B knowing that they would be refused and to get the law involved. It is all so very worrying to me that the powers that be are now placing children for adoption with same sex couples, not from the gay point of view but just to be politically correct. As a law abiding tax payer my concern is in 18 yrs time when one of these children gets lawyered up and takes the country on for millions in compensation because they had an awfully discriminated and persecuted child hood because the government placed them with a same sex couple. I do not have the answer but it will happen. Every child should be in a loving careing environment and a same sex couple will give just as much love if not more,but I all so know that heterosexual couples are being turned down. This is not a NORMAL environment for a child to be be in little lone put by a government , the child has no choice.

It is not my intention to offend any one but as this is a forum I feel this is the sort of place it can be debated frankly and honestly.

15

I was shocked to find out today that a gay friend at work recieves negative comments from others. I have noticed she has started to hide her sexuality at times and feels uncomfortable talking about it with others. She gets asked stupid questions like "what if you choose not to be gay later?" and someone told her she is going to go out and find a nice man for her, as if her being gay is something that needs correcting and that she is going to suddenly start liking men! To be honest, I think it's a discrimination issue in her dept. and it ought to be approached. I don't think we choose our sexuality at all. I didn't choose to be straight and my gay friends who have faced adversirty and abuse certainly didn't choose that!

16

Gentle giant wrote:

This is a subject that society needs to debate more not politicians. My brother is gay came out when he was 16 our family has never treated him any differently and I have several gay friends of both sexes. I don't think they choose but I do think they maybe born that way.

I saw a very interesting documentary a few years back about scientist stressing rats in pregnancy and the offspring were gay. Between my brother and I my mum lost a baby after birth and had 1 still born. I can remember a lot of concern over my brothers birth and whilst she was carrying him. My brother and I are like chalk and cheese. I am your stereotypical male beer swilling rugby playing loudmouth or was. He is articulate smart and quiet.

Now before you all jump on the we are normal , nothing wrong with beinging gay I agree. But ( I expect to be in a bit of trouble for this and have had the homophobic badge thrown at me) I cannot stand the persecuted minority stance that SOME do take. It was wrong for 2 gay men to book into a Christian elderly couples B & B knowing that they would be refused and to get the law involved. It is all so very worrying to me that the powers that be are now placing children for adoption with same sex couples, not from the gay point of view but just to be politically correct. As a law abiding tax payer my concern is in 18 yrs time when one of these children gets lawyered up and takes the country on for millions in compensation because they had an awfully discriminated and persecuted child hood because the government placed them with a same sex couple. I do not have the answer but it will happen. Every child should be in a loving careing environment and a same sex couple will give just as much love if not more,but I all so know that heterosexual couples are being turned down. This is not a NORMAL environment for a child to be be in little lone put by a government , the child has no choice.

It is not my intention to offend any one but as this is a forum I feel this is the sort of place it can be debated frankly and honestly.

It's not about political correctness... it's about equal rights! And if SOME hetrosexual couples are being turned down... maybe it's for a reason or they are simply not suitable. But some gay couples are turned down too. Those are some very broad brush strokes you paint... every couple full stop has to be vetted and pass strict criteria. And as for the gay couple who checked into the b and b only to be refused... why shouldn't they make a legal complaint. Why should any business be allowed to persecute?! The really sad thing is that we still even have to have conversations like this

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I would question the normative status of a nuclear family anyway. This is a comparatively recent development. Many other models exist in different times and cultures. Generally households are larger and more diverse.

The pressure should be on combatting prejudice rather than taking steps to avoid its effects.

18

In my 28 years on this earth, I have only ever had one experience of homophobia (that I would actually class as homophobia anyway).

In my own personal experience, I would say that I was born gay, but I didn't develop the understanding about what that meant until I was about 14. I came out at 16 and haven't looked back.

There are strong arguments for both nature/nurture. In my situation, one could argue that a big factor in me being gay was the fact that my mother was a single parent for most of my childhood, and therefore I did not have a strong masculine prescence in my life.

Could I pinpoint the exact moment I knew I was gay? Probably not. When you are young, there are so many thoughts and feelings whizzing around that it's difficult to make head nor tail of it all. For a long time, I didn't really think about labelling myself as gay, straight or bisexual. I just did what was considered normal - so I had girlfriends (in the loose sense) when I was at secondary school, because everyone else had one. But deep down I knew something wasn't right.

With regards to GGs comments about adoption etc - I think back to my childhood - I only really had my mother for support. I didn't have a father figure around, and I look back at how all my friends were that had 2 parents, and I was incredibly jealous and envious of them. I would have killed to have had a father figure. I would have killed to have even had another mother figure. I don't think any child can dispute how special they feel, knowing they have 2 people that love them more than anything - whether that's a mum and a dad, 2 mums or 2 dads. If having 2 people that love you, be it 2 men or 2 women is wrong, and worth ridiculing - then they are the ones who should be ridiculed. To deny anyone, that sense of warmth and comfort is simply barbaric.

19

Sorry, what isn't 'normal' with two men bringing up a child? Isn't it 'normal' for a single mother? Is it 'normal' for a single father? I cant comprehend why you think it's not normal. The amount of single parents around now days (I'm not bashing single parents, it's fact), the kids would be extremely privileged to have TWO loving parents.

20

Many years ago while working in London, the team got a new start while I(not known for being politically correct) was on holiday. When we met for the first time he introduced himself as 'Hi I'm X and I'm gay, to which I replied' I'm S and British'. The team found this funny.

This reply confused him, usually you have no more choice of your sexuality than you have of your nationality, (exceptions occur now in sporting or asylum terms but the vast majority stay as we were borne).

I believe you are borne gay/hetro or metro and it is not a lifestyle choice. What I resent is people who use their sexulaity/race as a weapon and seem to go out of their way to look for confrontation and strife.