I'll try and answer the mainquestions people have asked, bear with me it's a long post...
shellyboo wrote:
Ok... well, I need to be a little nosier here. How often are you having sex? And apart from that, how often do you masturbate?
Sounds to me like you just have a very high sex drive... I've got one myself, and can get all kinds of distracted at work if I start thinking about sex.
I guess another question is, how often do you want sex? Is it just that your husband's sex drive is lower than yours? Because if you're asking for sex a reasonable amount (and I would call anything in and around once a day a reasonable amount) and not getting it, then it's only natural you're thinking about fucking other people. You're frustrated.
I also think that if this were a guy complaining about the same problem (essentially, not getting enough sex from his wife) then no-one would bat an eyelid. It's very, very common for one partner to want more sex than the other - it's just usually the man. And if you were a man, everyone would be telling your wife to make more of an effort to accomodate your wish for more sex for fear that you'd go off and get it elsewhere.
I think the real problem here is in your perception of it - there's nothing wrong with you, it's not dirty or bad or a betrayal to want a lot of sex with the person you love. As for a solution, I think more sex is the answer - but depending on how often you want it, that may or may not be realistic.
As a couple me and hubby have sex once a fortnight, thereabouts. That has gotten better recently it's more like once a week sometimes three times. Never more. Masturbating, well I do that pretty much each day. It usually happens when I "feel" I need sex. The problem is as I am sure anyone will admit, while masturbating may get the desired result, there's no intimacy, no sharing each other. Not the kind of masturbating I am talking about anyway. I would much prefer my hubby's hand on the dildo end and not mine. (Yes, I have asked and tried to talk about it)
I think the once a day would be my kind of heaven. Sure, when you are both tired or ill or just not feeling like it fair enough. But I have been not touched in a sexual or even loving way at all for two months in the past. I tried everything, initiated every possible occasion, went to the front door in my underwear when he came home. Danced provocatively when we had music on and were doing things like sorting house or whatever. I was beside myself with frustration. And no I couldn't talk to anyone. I tried talking with hubby but every conversation my frustration would take hold and we'd be in a state before long.
That's exactly how I feel about this shellyboo, if I were a guy my partner would be viewed in polite society as being the one that needs to put in more effort. My sexual and to be honest it is about my emotional needs as a woman are not being fulfilled. Not being touched makes you start to think all sorts of things.
This isn't just about sex as Taffman says the cuddling afterwards is just as important and it is. But if there is no sex there is no bonding, then no after effects which bond you closer. For a long time I have been clinging on to how we used to be. The only problem with that is that it doesn't necessarily bring you closer, it makes you kind of grieve for what you had.
Mr & Mrs Naughty wrote:
The Naughty's have mulled over this one for some time. Here are some questions:
What is hubby's involvement in all this, is he actively engaged with you sexually and emotionally?
Where is his libido compared to yours?
How adventurous is your lovemaking and what part does hubby play in that?
Do you think you may subconciously feel under self imposed pressure to have a baby?
What is the unresolved problem between you and hubby? If you truly and deeply love and respect your husband you would not contemplate being with another man. The fact that you are considering and thinking about it suggests deep unresolved issues between you.
You say that hubby knows about this. Please sit quietly for a moment, and instead of thinking "me me me,sex sex sex", consider what this revelation is doing to your husband's sense of self worth, his sense of manliness, his belief that he is a decent lover, his sense of security. With most men, every time you walked out of the house he would be wondering if today was the day you would realise your aspirations to cuckold him. Once the toothpaste is out of the tube it can't be put back in.
You need to have a bloody good talk to yourself about this and absolutely forbid yourself from going any further down the "other man" road, putting failsafe systems in place if you really do feel tempted, like prearranging with a friend that you will ring her in a time of weakness for her to give you a bloody good verbal slap!
Then sit down with hubby and try your hardest to reassure him of your faithfulness, then talk through the whole problem so that you can move forward with a structured plan of action, being able to support each other as you go.
Hubby used to be involved with me sexually/emotionally. We talk a lot to each other about everything, we're very good friends in that respect. But just around the point when I started to get a higher sex drive (not that I wasn't libido'ed up to start with!) he seemed to be distant.
We used to be around the same with our libidos, but we've both had emotional turmoil mainly through family rather than between us through out our relationship. Sometimes dealing with that has left us shattered. As a team we work incredibly well and sometimes it surprises me what we can achieve. But both our families have during our time togther made hings very difficult.
I've always wanted to explore more adventurous lovemaking. We practice a little bondage, sex in public (which drove us both crazy with desire!), we're the kinkier side of vanilla.. edging into pistachio I'd say. Sometimes he is the one to want that and sometimes it's me. So I'd say the adventure comes from both sides.
On having a baby, no definitely not. Neither of us wants children, it's part of the reason we got together, like minded souls. Yes I do have a midwife as a sister-in-law but that has always made me more resolved about not having children. We both have mild conditions that can be passed on genetically. Mine well it could cause very serious side effects if I concieved, that scares me more than not ever being a mother. I'm not that gooey eyed about babies, that's not to say I hate children. Another thing I have had to put up with being called for my life choices.
When you don't get touched, at all you feel very very alone. I am 100% sure Mr. & Mrs. N you folks have a great sex life and have great intimacy. If you don't have that and your husband is telling you that he loves you so badly but doesn't want to touch you, make love with you, fuck you silly just because he desires you so totally he cannot resist, it starts to render your insides numb. You feel loved but it's diluted down. The guilt is constantly there, but you start noticing the way people are together with each other. You crave being close and when you get pushed away for the nth time bits of you break inside. Now the biggest problem is whether it's fixable. Some of the time I just drop that shattering out of me and try to think we're building something new that won't break. But it's very hard to think positively.
I don't sit and tear him down all the time. I know he's the best lover I have been with, when we "fit" we work so totally we become one person, at least that is how it seems and I have talked about this with him. He knows that I love the way we make love and have sex. And I don't just sit here thinking "me,me,me, sex, sex, sex" but I think 2 months without any kind of loving/sexual/emotional contact would do this to anyone. I am not intentionally trying to go out and be with every man that I can get my grubby paws on. If I were at that stage I wouldn't be considering my marriage, I would be gone and we would have split up. Whatever anyone thinks they know about this, it hurts, it tears you apart to have someone telling you they love you without question but not be intimate. A piece of you starts to die.
We have sat and talked about this. The one thing we do is talk. I knew that being with another person will always have a sting in the tail. I am constantly telling myself not to. I'm actually the verbal slap without picking up the phone. Try stepping into my shoes Mr. & Mrs. N, don't touch each other for a week... a month... think about two months without touching and then use the "forbid" word on yourselves. Just understand that if it were say three days without sex, I would feel unreasonable being this way, it's not three days.
Why is a woman not allowed to have desires and want to be intimate as a man demands it?
I don't think once every other day or once every day is unreasonable? Or is it?