Trying to over come sexual problems/blocks.

Sex Tips & Talk
1

I don't really know where to turn for help anymore and have looked into sex therapy but its very costly and I just don't have time to go with 3 small children and a husband who works away a lot.

I wrote a list of problems last night about sex and they all have such a negative impact on my life. Everyone seems to enjoy sex or at least masturbating but its something that just doesn't come naturally to me.

I'm not really sure why I'm posting but maybe someone might be able to point me in the right direction or help me get on the right track.

I think my biggest problem is that I don't have much of a sex drive, there is usually a week in my cycle where I want sex but that's not really enough. Because of this and the fact I get zero alone time I don't masturbate, watch porn or use sex toys. I also have issues about touching myself, Its like I'm touching somebody else who doesn't want to be touched and I don't really enjoy it when I do.

The 2 things I've managed to work out that I do enjoy during sex is rough sex but we don't do that because I always bleed and me and my SO have a fetish but we don't even do it because I hate what it is.

My self esteem is at an all time low so even when we do have sex I hate it being about me, being on top and receiving oral. If on the rare occasions I make noise during sex too I end up feeling bad and stupid about it for days.

I think they are pretty much my biggest problems but I just don't know where to start trying to make them right. I know I just need to get over it and things will probably start getting better if I just have sex and masturbate more but its getting to that point I find so hard.

Its really eating away at me and I don't know if I can spend the rest of my married life with a miserable sex life and a husband who is unhappy sexually mostly because of my doing.

I'm not really sure why I'm posting but I guess getting things off my chest may help too. I've spoke to my husband many times in the past about my problems but I don't want to bother him at the miniute as hes having a really rough time at work. I really want to get better for him and also for the sake of our marriage.

2

Oh dear hun, that doesn't sound much fun at all. I don't mean to pry but we're your raised my a very religious family? Many times children are taught that sex is dirty and touching yourself is dirty, a lot of women who wait until marriage to have sex feel horrible afterwards because they've been taught that their virginity is a prized possession and then when they've lost it they feel, we'll as expected they feel like they are less of a woman.
We're you taught much about sex growing up? Could I ask what your other fetish is? Often couples have rape fetishes which they struggle with, because society tells us it's such a heinous crime (which it is) bit it's also a natural pleasure. For women, if you think back to our natural lives (and it's the same for a lot of animals) a man that can dominate and hurt us is attractive, because men are for protection and if he is violent towards us he will also be able to protect us from other men and predators and be able to hunt. It's also why women often get stuck in abusive relationships because naturally an abusive man is also a protective man. But obviously in today's society, we have come further than our natural urges and rape is utterly unacceptable, but within a relationship role playing anything is OK, as long as both parties agree it is not rape, but rape role play. People also role play any things strangers and act as though they're having an affair, an affair itself is not OK, but role playing with your partner can be very exciting.

I really think you could do with counselling, do you live in the UK? If you go to your GP they will send you to counselling that is covered by the NHS.
Good luck, it's important that you learn that as long as you don't do something against someone else's will there is nothing wrong with anypart of you, there is no kink too extreme, reading through the forums may help you a lot as we're a very open and diverse bunch and it may help you see that no fetish is possibly too extreme, we've got them all here :)

3

Hi DLTAG 

Firstly thank you for sharing this with us. It can not be easy. 

I can offer little advise on this as I have too gone through a similar situation. At one point I questioned if I may be A sexual. It tore me and my partner apart as he has a very high sex drive. 

I simply was not interested in sex , foreplay or masturbation. 

Being someone that works for a sexual happiness company , I felt like I was failing! 

There was so much pressure put on me by myself and my OH , he considered that I did not find him attractive anymore and that I was masturbating behind his back and accusations were made at me. So this was added pressure to try and perform. To add to all that we had fertility issues , so that was a whole new pressure in itself. 

Eventually I decided to sit him down and explain that I had considered I was A sexual . Communication is key and as you say you two do talk. I laid it all out to him and asked taht he maybe tried to be more attentive to other areas and not make it about sex. Yes sex is important but so is being sensual with each other through non sexual contact. 

Next we did introduce more toys and as clitoral stimualtion seemed to be the best thing to help we went with vibrating cock rings , it helped but the biggest thing that helped was the talk. We did break up , but this was due to other circumstances. 

Also I did see my GP as at one point I felt I was going crazy , the biggest thing that i had not considered was stress. This has had a massive impact on me and my life , I lost hair , tummy issues and looked and felt drained. So this may be something to consider , stress and how to eliminate the unnecassary stress. Maybe a trip to the GP , most practices offer some free sessions especially as it is effecting your marriage.

Please do not put too much pressure on  yourself and having to perform. It will only add to any exsisting nerves , anxiety and stress. 

Also I was wondering if any of the previous advise here has helped in any way ? I see you posted in 2012 on a smaller scale , I am sorry this has been going on for so long for you 

4

I have also noted that you did post back in 2012 and you wasn't enjoying penatrative sex way back then .

So I am guessing with you posting now , nothing much has improved if any.

Also with you having 3 kids running around , time to yourself is going to be quite sparce and perhaps you also feel drained of energy as well . I know I would be, and with your OH being away as well you won't be getting much in the way of assistance.

So I think a trip to your GP would be in good order as he/she can ,look at things like hormones and refer you to other services , maybe counselling could help.

Good luck

5

Hi and welcome to the forums xx

You poor thing, that all sounds dreadful and I can only imagine how upsetting it must be for you both. Leanne's advice sounds spot on, esspecially as she has experienced similar difficulties. I can't offer any other advice as this is a position I've never been in but I didn't just want to pass this by without letting you know that I have read it and feel extremely sorry for you and your oh.

You must have found it very difficult to write about it but hopefully you can follow some of the advice and things will start to improve for you.....*hugs* xx

6

Thank you all for the replies.

I didn't have a religious upbringing which I thing makes things worse at least then I would have an understanding of why my frame of mind is so wrong, my parents didn't really talk about sex and I was kinda left to work everything out for myself but I don't think that's had a huge negative impact on me.

The fetish too is water sports (if that's even the right name), I really hate the fact its something I'm into and my SO had to guess that's what I like. If I had the choice it would be something I would have never mentioned or talked about and wish I could get rid of it.

Thank you for the reply too Leanne, Its such an awful thing to go through but helps that I'm not alone in feeling like this. I have considered I may by Asexual but things used to a lot better when I was younger so I really don't know what happened. I'm sorry to hear things didn't work out for you and your husband too but if you don't mind me asking how are things now for you, did it ever get better?

I know I should maybe go to my doctors about chat about it this but my regular GP wouldn't be great as I'm not keen on him and I don't think he would see this as an issue. I've looked a lot into counseling too but I just don't have the opportunity to go and we don't have anyone who looks after the children.

7

Well I think your last paragraph nails it on the head. The fact that you don't have anyone to look after the children. I think your doing too much , which is leaving you too drained and very little appetite for anything else .

Check out some of the online counselling services . They just may be able to assist you .Obviously face to face is much better.

8

DLTAG wrote:



Thank you for the reply too Leanne, Its such an awful thing to go through but helps that I'm not alone in feeling like this. I have considered I may by Asexual but things used to a lot better when I was younger so I really don't know what happened. I'm sorry to hear things didn't work out for you and your husband too but if you don't mind me asking how are things now for you, did it ever get better?

Thank you , and yes I understand that it is super hard to share with people because it feels like there is something wrong with you. But is not wrong to let things in your life effect you in such a way . I highly recommend a GP visit , if anythng to help put your mind at ease.

I was the same , super high sex drive at a younger age . Which is why I was unsure if A sexuallty was the issue for me. 

Yes it did , it is not quite what it was before and I don't think it ever will be , but I accept that and anyone else will need too as well. Exploration has helped , powerful vibes and different vibes. Sex is still not something I rank high on my agenda , but it at least crosses my mind and I can vision myself having sex.

You can not help your kinks and do not feel it is a bad thing , many people have so may kinks .

Maybe porn could help explore these kinks and help trigger sexual emotions , whether alone or with your husband. I know time is an issue for you on this side of things, but could you and OH get away for a night . Hotel or something and explore some porn in the peeing fetish. Also showering together so you can explore this too.

I am not sure of the children's ages but if they are at school . Take some time off together , if he has pressure at work it may be a good idea . Both of you can have some time then 

9

I like watersports too :) it feels so intimate, I have massive OCD with every other person in my life but not OH. Could I ask why you don't like it? Is it simply because it can be perceived as icky or unhygienic? Pee is actually sterile, not a single bacteria in there (unless you have a bladder infection)
It could be something to do with depression, you're obviously not getting any me time so it's understandable. How old are your children? Will they be starting school soon?
You could go to the sexual health clinic, they may be able to hook you up with counselling or ask at your doctors surgery to see a different GP, or try your out of hours or emergency GP if you have one? Quite a few places now have a clinic for everybody even if you already are registered with a different doctor for emergency GP care or if you can't get into your own doctors. The councillors I went to had a basic child care facility, where you could sit your elder children to keep them busy and you may even be able to find one with a proper childcare facility that will look after your children for an hour while you're there.
A lot of mothers and father's often feel like their life has been taken over by their children, and a lot of mothers feel like their body isn't even theirs after being pregnant, giving birth and breast feeding. You are truly not alone, and there is nothing wrong with you, but you really need some time to reconnect with yourself and with your husband. As has been said by leanne, sex isn't the most important part of a relationship, a lot of couples can't physically have sex, but you can still be intimate.
Do you ever just cuddle or kiss or massage each other? I know the kids take up a lot of your time but even if you stayed up late and had a bath youd feel a million times better. I hope you find a way to feel happier with yourself x

10

Hi,

I really can relate to your issue as well as to Leanne's past situation. You are certainly not alone in this situation.

My first sexual relationships were abusive. At first, I wasn't ready to have sex and none of my partners respected that. After a few months into a relationship after being constantly pressured and being made to feel worthless, I finaly gave up and gave them sex even though I still didn't want it. From that point, I've had sex for 2 years without wanting it. I didn't like sex, didn't want to have it, and didn't feel like it was something for me to enjoy. I've been made to think that sex wasn't something that I diserved to benifit from. My only use in sex was to give (or be used) by someone else.

That situation lasted untill 2-3 years ago, I realised that something was wrong and that I was not happy with that. I then decided that I wanted things to be different and that I would enjoy sex. It only made things worse. I was putting pressure on myself when I wasn't feeling for sex, when I wasn't enjoying it, etc. I was still putting the pressure on myself because I didn't want to dissapoint my bf (a different one than in the past), I was still into that mind set that I HAD to give sex to a man. It went to a point when I question whether I was asexual too.

I am slowly recovering from this, but it's still very present. I still don't always feel like sex, and that ok now. I don't pu pressure on myself to satisfy my bf anymore. We talked a lot about it and it helped with that, because he made me understand that he cared more about me being happy than sex, and that he would consider having a non sexual relationship with me if that would make me really happy. I am still struggling though with liking sex. I still feel like it's noy for me to enjoy, tht as a woman, I am not entitled to sexual pleasure.

All that was to make you understand somethings. First, You are not alone. Second, there is probably a reason for your situation, mine here being obvious. In your case, I don't know if it was caused by a situation but I think the cause is your lack of self esteem / confidence. And Third, I want you to understant that you owe sex to NO ONE.

For your self esteem problem, I think that it is what makes you put pressure on yourself, feel presured, not enjoy sex, etc. If like me you think that you do not diserve to enjoy sex, well you sure won't enjoy it. Plus, if you want to have sex only to satisfy someone else, you're not going to want it either. It seems obvious to me that the fact that you feel bad when making noises for example means that there is something wrong with your vision of sexuality. Also, you talk like you wanted to solve this problem not for yourself but for your husband and relationship, that's not a good reason. If you solved it but wouLd still feel unhappy about it nothing would be solved. The only way to me that this problem would be considered as solved was if you'd finally be happy with your sexual situation (be it as it is right now or better).

Please, take time to question yourself on your motives to solve this issue and on your views on sexuality. For me, this is the key of your problem and you'll be able to find a way to solve it from there.

The fact that you like it rough also triggers me something. I won't say that it's wrong and that no one can enjoy it like that, but I feel like the reason why you do are not the good ones. The fact that it makes you bleed also rings a bell to me. I used to experience painful sex and to me, that was the way sex ws supposed to be. I prefered rough sex because it made me feel like I was doing something more worth it (if it has to hurt, make it rough so we get more of our money you know, I didn't like it when it was more soft and loving and passionate because then it wasn't supposed to hurt but it still did) and it made me feel more alive too, like a kind of auto-mutilation. It's hard to explain.

I hope this helped you and that my feeling are right about this. If they are, I'd be happy to try to help you more with this.

11

Things defiantly got worse after each child was born. They are now 7, 5 and 2 so all still pretty young and the oldest 2 boys are at school now but the youngest is still at home with me (I run a small business from home too). Sadly we don't have any family who help out with the kids, my father in law has the boys once every 3 months or so but we still end up having our 2yr old so pretty much zero child free time and I know this doesn't help matters.

Leanne I'm glad to hear things got better too, as it gives me hope that things could get better with me. I keep telling myself I should watch porn too but it all seems really daunting, there is so much out there and I just wouldn't have a clue where to start.

We kiss and cuddle lots too and often snuggle on the sofa with a film when the kids are all asleep as this is important to both of us as he spends so much time away we spend what little time we have together.

Thank you all for the supportive messages too, I felt really silly when I was typing it all out but every message has really helped x

12

Kissing and cuddling is a very important part of a relationship . It demonstrates to the other person that you love them and IMO is more important than sex in a relationship, as sex in some circumstances can be just physical, without any feeling. So that is a very good thing and helps to keep you both togeher in very difficult circumstances .

13

mysteron wrote:

Kissing and cuddling is a very important part of a relationship . It demonstrates to the other person that you love them and IMO is more important than sex in a relationship, as sex in some circumstances can be just physical, without any feeling. So that is a very good thing and helps to keep you both togeher in very difficult circumstances .

I agree with the above completely. And you NEVER have to feel silly ! If something's bothering you it's never going to be considered silly be any one on here. And as for you enjoying watersports...... I love it too, it's a lot more common than you think xx

15

My wife wants me to tie her to our bed and use a cane on her boobs but I'm really afraid of hurting her too much.

17

Me and my husband are in counselling. Our therapist is brilliant. She does sex therapy, marriage counselling as well as someone to vent to. There are places (I definitely know of one national counselling group as that's the one who help us) that can help cover costs and help with childcare too.

I don't masturbate, I just don't like it I never have and I don't like porn. I have always been told I am rather "prudish" which is true. Its only been recently I've started opening up. Me and my husband had communication issues about our sexual wants and desires. I was always too scared to tell him what I wanted but now I'm getting better. We were given techniques to address everything by our counsellor and they really worked for us. I could happily share them if need be.

We have managed to go from me not wanting sex, not feeling comfortable to feeling so free! I enjoy sex now more than ever even though it's pretty scheduled. We have kids and he works away. Using LoveHoney and the community has given me a new lease of life. Seeing there are other people in the world who have similar likes to me doesn't make it feel so "dirty" any more, its healthy!