So lately been getting down about my supposedly best friends but the more I think about it (I know I shouldn't think back but sometimes I can't help it)
Well Mr best friend as I shall call him has been getting controlling lately and I've known him so long I've barely noticed it until recently but he tells me when we are out when I'm allowed alcohol (say like it's 4pm I've just finished work I barely caught my breath and he was forcing me to drink booze even though I didn't want it), he makes me dance when I don't want to (I'm shy why would I want to be the first on the dance floor?! He will drag me if I refuse), I've been to comic con with him twice and I didn't want to go on fancy dress (the second time I really didn't want to) but he forced me into it and I had to get him to pre approve my costume (like who I was going to be the first time it made sense because we were both going as characters off the same show but the second time he went as someone totally different we agreed superheroes then he was like yeah! Then he changed to a "rotter" from in the flesh and when I said how cool he wouldn't let me be a matching rotter).
He knows how to get into my head the whole time I was talking to the guy I was seeing it was he's not real, it's someone playing a prank (that made me feel like he was politely saying I'm not good enough for a man like the guy I was seeing) he got in my head and told me to ask the guy I was seeing if we were dating because I was being "a bad girlfriend" and "that's obviously how he sees you" even though I told him we had already spoken about it he was like "but that was weeks ago he obviously sees you as a girlfriend" he made out it was the best thing for me or I was "going to lose him" because I was "being a bad girlfriend" so I asked scared I'd lose him (naive I know but you tend to think someone who's been your best friend for over a decade you think you can trust them because you believe they'd have your best interest at heart) this worried the fella thinking I wanted more than he could give me and now we are only friends and it hurts because if I had stood up to mr best friend I wouldn't have lost the nicest man I've ever known in that sense (I asked him if he was ok to keep talking to me he said of course and told me he wasn't going to leave me then made me laugh)
I was so happy when I was with the guy I was seeing I didn't even see how jealous Mr best friend was being.
Him and miss best friend have bought me tickets with them to go and see my favourite band (5 seconds of summer the one is gang bang lol) but I don't know what to do or how to trust them. If I tell miss best friend she gives info to Mr best friend. When my brother was close to dying the other week I told Miss best friend and she was like omg hope he's ok glad he's home that's it she hasn't asked how I or my brother are doing and I can't even trust Mr best friend enough to tell him.
Should I ditch them? Bare in mind how long I've known them and it won't be easy but past few months when it's been it's roughest they've not been there for me, I TRIED talking to them about it and Mr best friend was just saying "how do you think I feel?" "You're saying we are shit friends!" In the end it had me upset and regretting my actions not him.
I've tried talking since an they barely bother (Mr best friend has a new job but miss best friend doesn't and always moans she's bored and lonely but won't often talk to me)
We are meant to be meeting for Xmas so I'm thinking maybe go for that and see how it goes? Then make up my mind on whether or not to say goodbye or I could just take it daily and see how they treat me.
I'm sorry it's so long but it really upsets me. They've been there for 13 years of heart ache, boys treating me like shit/a joke/ a bet and such and they did the "there there you're too good for him anyway" yet when I find a nice man with a good job, who takes care of himself an treats me like a true princess the one man who found his way into the dark of my 50ft walls is built around and gave me light and they always had a problem with him. Even tried stirring it up between me and the guy I was seeing a sister (saying I hadn't said this and he hadn't called he brother an absolute cunt but I showed her screenshots of him manipulating me and me telling him no etc)
Apologies it's so long if you managed to read well done truly because this is hard going boring stuff to read I imagine. But thank you x
Oh AND that doesn't include when Me and miss best friend accidentally told me they were consulting me and the guy I was seeing behind my back AND I sent Mr best friend a fake penis photo (he kept harassing me saying if he sends one he's real) and he did send one more than once but I was going to share those with him so I took a fake to stop him asking... You know what he did?! He took the photo I sent him and others off of the guys Facebook and cross matched them on Google to see if he was legit even though by then we'd already met AND there was photos with him and his sister. He told me once it all went wrong "that dick pic isn't even real!" I went I know I sent you it to shut you up! You wouldn't stop harassing me!"
Ditch him. Anyone who controls you isn't worth it. Do you ever actually feel safe, or happy to spend time with Mr, or feel like he genuinely cares if you're happy? If you think no to any of these, ditch him. It's better to have one less friend than have one extra awful one.x
friendship dynamics change over time and thats normal. Most people think they will be friends with someone forever but things change. Sometimes you move away, or they start a family and other things become a priority and the friendship fizzles out.
i think if you dont want to be friends then just let it come to a natural end. Theres no need to make a scene and tell him outright, just dont reply to texts as quick and dont arrange to meet so often. You dont have to end it bitterly, just let it fizzle out.
I don't feel in danger or anything but I feel if he genuinely cared about my happiness he wouldn't have got so involved in ruining my relationship with the guy I was seeing.
Mr best friend has been there through 13 years of guys treating me like dirt and like a joke. He did the "you deserve so much better" speech time and time again. He was there when I built my walls around me and wouldn't let a guy come within a mile of them. He was there when I felt unloved, when I was heart broken and when I went through a starving myself stage for a guy.
the guy I was seeing was everything mr best friend said I deserved and yet it certainly seems like he never meant a word of it. If he did he would've seen how happy I was and left me to get on with it
@JM88 I could do I wouldn't be bitter I'm just trying to figure out what I want because he acts so lovely most of the time just like the friend I first met but when it comes to meeting new people... It's like I'm not allowed he gets proper jealous and funny over it
I may be wrong, but it sounds to me like he is so scared of losing you when you meet the right guy and settle down, that he does everything he can to sabotage you actually being happy, and finding the one, so that he can have you all to himself. I think the best thing to do would be to talk to him, and tell him how he is making you feel. If he admits that he is scared of this, then tell him he will always be your best friend, but that if he carries on behaving this way, he may end up losing you xx
I told him that all the time and when we ha a talk about what happened it was all about him and nothing about me. Thing is he's allowed to date who he wants no one gets in the way but I'm not even allowed other friends but if I say I wish you guys were home so we could hang out he moans I need more friends but when I found this group of girls it was "oh so WHO are they?!" And he was quite off about it made out he wanted to see them met them and then dos the well don't like her she's too quiet don't like that one either. I was like well they were shy around you that's to be expected and he went mm maybe but I still don't like them.
I've always told him no one will ever take me away from them and I never let them or the guy I was seeing take me away either. He won't speak about it just says I'm calling him a shit friend and how do I think he feels because I'm hating on him even though I wasn't
On one hand he's my best mate of 13 years or so and most the time he's an ok guy but lately he's been pushing me around. He doesn't do it in a nasty way but if I don't want to drink or dance or dress up I should be allowed to go with what I want to do not be forced into anyway.
On the other hand how am I meant to get a boyfriend and other friends if he won't let me? I can't spend my life being single and lonely because he doesn't like it. If I had the chance to go back and choose id pick the guy I was seeing over him any day because the guy I was seeing isn't controlling he's really laid back and wouldn't make me do anything I don't want to do.
Wish I could go back and fix things but I can't. I just hope one day we can try again
It sounds to me that you are very unhappy with both Mr & miss. I don't think they deserve any of your friendship if it was me I would tell them both to stay away from you for a while. There is someone out there who will appreciate you but it may take time. I know it will be hard for you but stick in there the sun will shine one day.
Thank you and I haven't seen either of them for a while now but they're inviting me out this weekend which I can't afford and I don't particularly want to. It's gotten to the point where I'm not even bothered about not seeing my favourite band. I love them but my friends and making me unhappy. If it's true everyone has "one" then I've lost my one because of them. They should've kept their noses out and left me to get on with it. What best friend takes away another's happiness? No matter what I'd never ever dream of doing it to them. I've had to be pushed to the back for his girlfriends (he's only recently found out he's gay)
Kirsty92 - on my dear, I do think you are being smart here in recognizing their controlling nature and how it makes you unhappy and affect you. I think that is a positive step that you understand you deserve better from your "friends".
Some friends are in our lives for a moment, a seson or longer. it does not mean you are a bad person for distancing yourself and moving on. You are dead on that a best friend does NOT take away another person's happiness. They can express concern for you if there is a legit concern, but they are they to support you through thick and thinl.
Do not go this weekend, you already stated you cannnot aford it. Instead focus on you. Even though he is gay, your Mr. could be possessive of you in an unhealthy way my dear.
Thank you everyone I was worried I was being dramatic because I'm unhappy but I'm unhappy because of them.
It wasn't until I mentioned it to my other friend who isn't part of my group said that sounds a little controlling and my mum pointed out the same thing that I started to think of all the times I've been made to drink when I don't want to, made to get up and dance when I would've rather have just given it a few minutes and waited for others to get up first. It's not like I won't drink or dance but I want to do it on my own terms.
I would never want to stir between him and anyone he dates (and he has dated a lot of people some I haven't liked but I held my tongue because he was happy and in no danger)
There was no need to have concern for me ok I didn't know him at first but he was my mates brother and she was with me the whole time I met him and she was never going to set me up with someone dangerous or someone who would be any problem to me. She set me up with him because he liked me and she knew I'd like him and that we would be good together
If I say goodbye to them odds are I'll have to say goodbye to the rest of the group Mr kinda has the group revolve around him. I'd maybe have a few want to meet up without them but it would probably fizzle. Thing is only two others know even the slightest thing that he's done to me. They know he's the reason I'm no longer having the relationship with the guy I was seeing.
The way I see it if my family were OK with him before I met him and weren't nervous or concerned because my mum even said "you can see he works hard, he takes care of himself and the way you talk about him he obviously means a lot and from the stuff you've said you mean a lot to him too" she even told his sister once when I was visiting her that my "eyes sparkle whenever she talks about him" it was a little embarrassing but it was nice to hear that I was that visibly happy. I was SO happy with him in fact that even my managers and others at work saw the difference and I don't even get along with my managers.
Don't actively make a big thing of saying you don't want to know them anymore, just don't go out with them, invite other people out with you, it'll just fizzle out, but you might have to make more of an effort to see your other friends if he's the one that organises most of your meet up. People change, friendships fizzle out, it's no big deal, don't be pressured into stuff. If you break free of them a bit then the might settle down and be less controlling