Girls help - What am i doing wrong.

Sex Tips & Talk
1

I'm in a long term relationship(15 years). My partner is no longer interested in sex and if we do have some always have to make the first move, sometimes this works but more often than not she goes in a strop and complains that she's tired. Sex only happens about once every six weeks which i'm finding very difficult as if i could have it everyday i would probly still want more.

I've tried a number of different ways to try and get her interested, one of these is to quickly slip a porn movie on, this usually works in the end. When i have managed to get her interested i've introduced a vibe that i got off here that she did not know about, this went down a storm and i thought i cracked it then no more sex for another six weeks

I know she's not seeing anyone else as sh'e always with me. But what more can i do, i always make sure that she orgasms first or at the same time as me but i'm at my wits end.

I don't really want to stray but to get hat i want i might have to. Also if we talk about the lack of sex we just argue and don't talk for days....then i have to wait even longer.

I'm sexually frustrated and fed up of entertaining myself....not sure if i can you use masturbating...oops i just have lol

What do you suggest?

2

I love to masturbate as well Needmore but there is nothing like a good seeing to is there!!!

Make sure you are affectionate during the day without expecting sex. Kisses, caresses etc. Make her feel loved and sexy - tell her how damn sexy she is. Then when you feel no resistance from her start to touch her intimately - neck, breasts etc but break off before it goes too far - basically your leaving her gagging for more. Torment and tease her as much as you can stand in any you can think - this is kind of like going back to those courting (awwww ) days when perhaps you couldn't launch into sex. Hopefully this will lead into more sex for you both. I just know I love all that leading on stuff myself as a woman. Good luck!

3

You need to find out why this is happening or all the advice in the world won't help. There is clearly a problem somewhere. If she suddenly has a different sex drive to you then something has happened to change it and until you find out what that is nothing much will change.

Your stealth seduction techniques seem a bit dodgy to me "quickly slipping on a porn movie"? If she's gone off sex for some reason then perhaps the softly-softly approach may work a little better. Try some romance needmore, if she feels reassured that you don't just want her for sex she may soften. By being unwilling to talk about this because "then you have to wait even longer" you are sending her the message that you don't care enough about what's in her head to talk about it if it means sex being put off.

I'm sure it's frustrating but if my sex life dried up I'd be asking why straight away. HP's advice is good once you have communications open between you, take the pressure off and up the wooing.

Read back what you wrote and put yourself in her shoes. you "don't want to stray but you might have to"? Nobody has to, it's a choice you make because you're not getting what you want. You've put in 15 years so far so why not invest just a bit more?

4

Do you have kids ? When was the last time you went on holiday ? Have you trieda weekend away from home ? When was the last time you took her out for dinner ?

5

For women sex is in the head much more than in the body, she needs to feel confident and comfortable, sexy and desired. It's obvious you still desire her but maybe it is something else stressing her and making her libido low? It may not even be sex related.

Communication is the key and also patience. Women like to talk, so you could try this and just listen to her, don't disagree with anything she says she 'feels' as this will just make her feel you aren't listening. Just as her if anything is bothing her etc... and prepare to listen without interuption, without contradicting her and without offering and solution.

Also your way to entice her is to stick on porn - that's a very male thing to do - how about you try that softly softly approach and do something just for her? Make her feel special. A nice massage that may or may not develope into sex? Not preassuring may help too, if she feels preasured she may dig in her heels more.

But really first step is to talk and listen

6

PS. Relate is an organisation that has sex counsellors for just this kind of stuation if you can't talk without arguing.

I think it may help a lot because I find it worrying that you say things sucha as "to get what I want" and you haven't actually said what it is she wants - and I tell you what - phyisical orgasms aren't highest on most womens lists! I'm very highly sexed (even if my husband isn't) and orgasm isn't anywhere near top priority for me when it comes to my relations with my husband. You see I'm in the same situation with him but he is not putting out instead!

Now I do know why he has a lower libido and I understand, but have you listened enough to find out why she has gone off sex? Or do you indeed enter the conversation with "I want" and "I need" instead of "what would make you want sex more?" Just a thought

7

Hi Needmore,

I have started to write this response two or three times prior to this,, but for various reasons l have ended up here. Now obviously l don't know either of you, but l am guessing that after 15 years your relationship has grown rather stale and jaded, and nothing to do with what is in your breadbin.

You will both have picked up annoying little traits, coping mechanisms and defence mechanisms to help you cope with what you have today. I am no doctor or shrink, but would offer you the following pointer. You are partly right in what you say about needing to look elsewhere, but where do you look? Can l suggest you start looking elsewhere in your present relationship, you will essentially be the people who fell for each other 15 years ago. However you have fallen into the lot of many and have drifted apart.

Radical measures are called for, you need to adopt yourself and encourage in her, a different persona, or significantly deviate from your normal routine to reawaken her instincts and feelings that have seemingly frozen over.

Take a point of interest you both have in common and build on that.... an unannounced weekend break, maybe Christmas shopping as an excuse, maybe high risk but consider factoring in a porn component, she seems to like..... Needs to be a full and frank exchange where both agree to throw off lots of baggage, and if both are still up for saving the relationship then you might make some forward progress to achieving this.

There is an obvious alternative outcome to the scenario but no need to dwell on that, and l am certain that campers here will rally to your assistance. Good luck!!

Tallboy

8

Mayb you need to lay off on the pressure.

If she feels that the onli time you pay any attention to her is when you want sex she possibly feels unattractive and unappreciated.

Mayb help out around the house a bit more, if you dont already so she cant use the "im tired" excuse.

Id suggest mayb for the next couple of weeks, just focus on her needs (not sexually) run baths for her, take her out for dinner that kinda thing. Make sure that she feels appreciated and not just like an object that has to relieve you all the time.

Hope that helps.

9

I totally agree with lmxx. If a woman goes off sex, the last thing she needs is pressure to have sex. If her bloke is paying attention to her just to get sex, it's going to put her off even more. I know, I've been there.

I think you should try talking again, it might make things awkward, but if you approach it in terms of asking if there's anything you've done wrong (I'm not saying you have, but at least she won't think you're blaming her) she might then point you in the right direction. Just put emphasis on the fact that you want to make sure she's OK. If she thinks you're talking to her just to get sex, she'll probably clam up and not tell you anything.

Definitely try softly, softly.. and maybe even some erotic stories, good old fashioned wining and dining, and a massage...

10

Hi all,

Thanks very much for all your help. I'm going to take your advise and try the softly softly approach and see if this works. To be honest i did not word my question very well, i do care about my partners feelings and i have tried the softly softly approach before, but i'll give it another go and maybe i'll let you all know how i get on in a few weeks time.

11

good luck i hope it go's well for you

12

Good luck hun keep us updated my fingers are crossed for you xxxx

13

good look needmore, let us all know how you get on hun xxx

14

I hope things are going ok for you.

I agree with all the advice above, but I'd just like to add that if she hasn't told you whats wrong, she may be as bad at communicating as you are. I cannot tell my bloke when something is wrong for the life in me. I have to write to down rather than talk. So maybe try writing her a letter, and leaving it for her to read in her own time, so she has time to think about everything without you being stood there waiting for an answer which enevitably causes arguments. Get your feelings on the page too, as well as acknowledging hers. Love is a partnership, so even if she doesn't feel like sex, she should still be making an effort so that you're happy, as well as you toning things down or having to work so hard to keep her happy.

15

Hi Crayola - what a great idea, and a really good balanced view of things. Hope it helps Needmore sort things out with his woman. Well done you.

16

Well, i've listened to all your advise and to be honest i've put a lot of it into practice. This last week or so i've been even more caring than i usually am. I've spent time massaging her, stroking and tickling, spent loads of time listening (ive put no pressure on even though i'm bloody frustrated lol). I've done more jobs around the house than i usually do and even done the washing up and the ironing There have been no arguments or falling outs..............but still no sex.

The only advise i haven't taken up to now, is to put things down on paper as i don't think this will work, might do this in a couple of weeks if things are still the same though.

So once again tonight i've had to give myself a good seeing to........mind you i do enjoy it, but its not the same when you're alone.

17

Sorry to hear that Needmore. Have you tried asking her straight why she's gone off sex? My man went through a phase of not really being interested and I found out that it was cos he sometimes found me a bit unapproachable/scarey (I can be an arsey mare at times). So I've learnt never to rebuff him and to be less critical etc. (Hard to change but not impossible). Anyway what I'm trying to say is I asked him directly and did my best to sort it out and our sex life has never been so good! All the best - perhaps invest in a Tenga in the meantime. Treated my man to one and he loves it - makes a nice change from his hand.

18

Tenga flip hole jeasousy mite just work H.P

19

needmore wrote:

I'm in a long term relationship(15 years). My partner is no longer interested in sex and if we do have some always have to make the first move, sometimes this works but more often than not she goes in a strop and complains that she's tired. Sex only happens about once every six weeks which i'm finding very difficult as if i could have it everyday i would probly still want more.

[...]

Well, i've listened to all your advise and to be honest i've put a lot of it into practice. This last week or so i've been even more caring than i usually am. I've spent time massaging her, stroking and tickling, spent loads of time listening (ive put no pressure on even though i'm bloody frustrated lol). I've done more jobs around the house than i usually do and even done the washing up and the ironing There have been no arguments or falling outs..............but still no sex.

needmore, I think the question is either whether she has gone off sex in general, or whether she has gone off sex with you in particular. I think that whatever the reason why your wife hasn't wanted sex with you, that reason has likely been in place for much longer than a week, and that reason is unlikely to have evaporated after one week of your changed behaviour.

If she has gone off sex in general, then it might be useful for her to see a doctor to see if there's anything awry. Sometimes low testosterone levels can result in loss of libido in women. That might be worth checking. However, I would leave that option only until after you explore the one below, because the problem may not be your wife's. In my opinion, if the problem was yours to begin with, then asking her to get checked might just make things worse. So I'd recommend checking out the second option before exploring the first.

If she has gone off sex with you specifically, then that's something you'll have to sort out between yourselves with a lot of talking and listening and negotiating. From how I read what you've written, I suspect this might have been what's going on. I've written some stuff on my blog which might be of interest to you. I use the terms "dominant" and "submissive" in the first post, but you may easily substitute "wife" and "husband" for those terms:

http://ladylubyanka.wordpress.com/2008/02/02/please-or-be-pleased/

http://ladylubyanka.wordpress.com/2008/03/28/validation/

I'm not sure why you wouldn't already have been spending loads of time massaging, tickling, listening to her, doing jobs around the house, washing up and ironing, but it seems clear from your description that you were doing a whole lot less of those things prior to last week. You might want to consider what effect that might have had on your wife's energy levels and libido.

You say you've "even done the washing up and ironing". Even?? Well, I don't know how long you've made a habit of leaving all of that for your wife to do, but I do know for a fact that being habitually left on my own to do all of my partner's dirty washing up and ironing and all the other household jobs over a long term would piss me off no end. That would most definitely put me right off sex with them for a good long time, if not forever. Personally, I'd have left any partner long ago for less than that. To me, that is a huge deal.

You said "My partner is no longer interested in sex and if we do have some always have to make the first move, sometimes this works but more often than not she goes in a strop and complains that she's tired." Well, I'm not at all surprised that she's tired. I don't think most people have enough energy to be a full time housekeeper and sex kitten at the same time, especially if her more tediously mundane accomplishments consistently go unacknowledged and unappreciated. I suspect that your wife may already have spent way more than a week expending her time and energy trying to get you to uphold your share of the household responsibilities. No wonder she goes into a strop whenever you ask her to expend even more of her energy on you. I would too, in all honesty. Sex takes a lot of energy, which she is likely to have been using up on doing your share of the household jobs, as well as her own. Remember that every job you neglect must be done by somebody. Jobs just don't get done by magic. I think your wife is likely to feel that she gets a lot dumped in her lap. If you did more around the house, she might gradually develop more energy for other activities. But I wouldn't expect that energy to develop overnight, or in a week. I'd give it at least six months of consistently upholding your household responsibilities at least, maybe more, before expecting to see a change in her. After all, it took a good long time for this situation to develop, and resolving it won't happen any quicker.

So, according to the way I read your description of your situation, I suspect that if you want your current situation to change, you will probably need to spend a significant amount of time (months) both talking and listening to your wife, as well as providing a long term (6 months at least) demonstration of your good faith by consistently upholding your household responsibilities. And if it so happens that the problem isn't what you thought it was, then I don't think anybody can be hurt by adopting this strategy. I think this approach can only be beneficial, even if it isn't the issue for this specific problem.

I sincerely apologise if the tone of my message sounds harsh to you. This is an incredibly common problem I come across all the time, where so many men are trying to have more sex with their wives/girlfriends, and it turns out that for a long time, the men's behaviour (or lack of it) around the wives would put off even the horniest and most forgiving woman. I truly hope that my words have been in any way helpful to you, and that your relationship with your wife improves.

I wish you the best of luck,

Lubyanka.

20

hi needmore i think a trip to relate would be a great idea, in our 10 years together we've been twice and it has been a great step forward each time for us... we often choose unwitingly our opposite... if we are untidy we choose someone we likes to tidy, if we have a low sex drive we choose someone who is highly sexed... we fill in the gaps to make a better whole... with the counsellor you'll find out what those gaps are... they may not be what you think they are!!! you'll understand yourself better and so will she... only then will you be able to move forward...