Everything@PleasureDrone says is correct. I was preparing a raging post in my head and then found I didn’t need to.
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I’ve noticed this kind of thing is happening more frequently again. It was common (as in almost daily) for me to get hit on and/or groped until my early thirties. I’d always wear just an engagement-type ring out as married women seemed to get hit on more often. It seemed that engaged really did mean that but married meant bored and looking for a bit of no-strings fun to a lot of men (especially married men). I also wore stiletto heels as they could be deployed ‘accidentally’ to bring attention to the groper. Loud swearing and a lot of apologies can turn the spotlight on a situation fast.
It seemed to get better for a while but in the last five years a lot of men seem to have lost all respect for women and will, in a variety of ways, try to take advantage.
I no longer go clubbing but listening to my daughter and niece it’s alarming to realise that all sorts of tricks are being deployed from using the ‘senior position’ card to spiking drinks or just picking up on a situation where a woman might be vulnerable. These pick-up courses that are becoming quite popular are particularly horrifying in their techniques.
My daughter doesn’t drink and having seen what I went through with her father (despite me hiding as much as I could), is hyper-aware of danger. She’s always the driver when her friends go out and she watches her friends like a hawk. But the things I’m hearing from her about the way men behave when they’re out is making me worry. I insisted my niece and daughter both took self-defence courses years ago but I still worry.
I suffer with PTSD, had many hours of counselling, and now know your reaction is very normal. The naive and foolish feeling is bloody horrible but it serves a purpose. We dwell on something like that so that our brains can process what happened and we can protect ourselves should it happen again so try not to worry too much about it. I, too, prided myself on being sensible and aware and that has, according to my counsellor, been my biggest downfall in accepting and getting over what happened to me. You’re not alone so please don’t be hard on yourself.
As others have said, it was not your fault in any way. This man has probably not shown his true colours to your friend (he obviously paid attention at the company sex harassment course) but I suspect it’s not his first time trying something like this or he’d have got the message quicker and not followed you. Men that have got away with trying it on and shifting blame successfully rarely stop doing it. Playing the Mr Widower/sympathy/nice guy card is an all-time low. Just because he finds women sympathetic does not mean they find him sexually attractive and someone - maybe your friend (though I can’t see that happening) - should make this clear to him.
This is a very special forum. The respect we women get from the men here is incredible, very welcome and gives me faith that they can do a lot to help influence other men and boys in their lives to treat women in a respectful way. It’ll take a while but we need men to talk about this kind of thing happening to women in order for it to stop.
I wish you well in recovering from this.
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There is no excuse for his actions and he was well out of order!
You can’t second guess everything.
I think you were too kind to him but sure he got the message in the end.
Don’t beat yourself up over it he is not worth it.
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Bang out of order .
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Thank you again for all your replies, they really helped. VR hit the nail on the head as to why. I knew I’d picked the right forum to ‘unload’ on to 
.
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Really sorry to hear this - only you know what happened and you sound very clear to me.
Three choices really in my opinion
1 - report it and go through official Police channels (could he do it again to a younger less experienced individual?)
2 - You’ve accepted his apology - chalk it up as a lonely person acting improperly and move on.
3- Report the incident anonymously so it sits somewhere on official records - Crimestoppers 0800 555 111
My only other thought is for your friend to have an off the record conversation with someone she knows well in the HR Department. He may need some counselling if he’s lost his wife.
Either way he definitely needs clarity around unacceptable behaviour.
Good luck with whatever you choose to do - appreciate it’s not easy, but only you know what you’ll feel best doing.
This guy whether he is someone you know or not had absolutely no right to do this whatsoever. Men like this give the rest of us a bad name.
I am sure you did nothing wrong. I am sure the only reason he regrets it is because he didnt get as far with you as he would have liked and is now embaressed about it and im sure that the swift kick in the jewels is something you should have done (preferably in front of everyone else to let them all know what a creep he is and at the same time warning all the other females in the place).
It almost seems a societal conditioning when the victim asks themselves “what did I do wrong”, you see this in the case of all manner of crimes or situations (particularly unfortunately in rape cases where the victims actions/dress/mannerisms and/or history are put on trial by defense attorneys), it ofcourse doesn’t make it right but its completely understandable why you are questioning yourself.
As in the comments above, you did nothing wrong and it sounds like the guy hasn’t paid much attention to the media in the last wee while with all the worldwide publicity around consent, sexual assault, me too etc etc
Disrespectful at a very minimum
I know this post is a couple months old, but I just saw it and thought I’d pop up.
What happened to you is not your fault at all. Though it can be really difficult to see that, no one ever has the right to lay their hands on you without your consent. No matter if you’re drunk, dressed in revealing clothes, flirting or anything. Nothing other than explicit consent means ‘yes’.
I completely sympathise with you. Growing up trans so having female biology has meant that I’ve been a victim to those who fetishise and exploit people who are potentially more emotionally vulnerable due to this. AFAB individuals are often more at risk, but I’m not at all saying it doesn’t happen to bio men as it very much does. I’ve been groped many times, had one case of someone attempting to groom a young teenager me, and had people I trusted end up not being as nice as they seemed to be. It’s left me in the same position as you- feeling that I was to blame. It has taken a while for me to realise that it isn’t the case.
While it’s left me with trauma and the fear that it could happen again and that I can’t trust people, especially older men, I know that it’s never my fault. I completely feel for you and send you love- it’s very difficult to deal with
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