So I’ve recently met this guy and he treats me really well which is new for me. He asks me if I’m ok and if I’m feeling comfortable with what we are doing, he opens doors for me, just little things like that. None of my other people that I’ve been with has been like this, they usually just roll their eyes at me and didn’t treat me well at all.
What I am making this post for is, I don’t know how to process him being nice to me and being a gentleman as it’s never happened to me before. It’s making me think he’s just going to turn out like the rest of them and treat me badly. It’s hard to explain I just don’t know how to process it. It makes me feel guilty and that I don’t deserve anything nice to happen to me because of what’s happened in the past. Can anyone give me advice, please?
@sharbur I personally speaking think it’s respect I would expect any man to do the same, take an interest and listen, especially in these times genuinely to ask and to mean what he is saying is important! I maybe old school but I would hope that it a normal thing to do for anyone wether it’s a first date or 50th. You shouldn’t feel guilty about it hun the previous men have the problem not knowing how to treat a lady. Please it’s only my take on it and my opinion. good luck to you hope it goes well
I always treat people with respect and gentlemenly, just take it one step at a time. Follow your own instincts, enjoy the ride. There are quite a few of us out there
I get you totally, I have been in an abusive relationship, which included, sexual, physical, and emotional violence. In finding someone new you are way ahead of me, I still have not had a proper relationship for over 35 years because of it.
Try not to define yourself because of what others have done to you, put the blame where it belongs, and that is on the people who treated you badly. Just because someone treated you like that does not make you the one responsible for what happened to you.
Did you stay with that person even after they abused you ? Do you feel that made you to blame for what happened, because you didn’t stop it, that some how you must have deserved to be treated like that, or why would they do that to you. Such people often make their victims believe it was their own fault, to gain control of their victim.
This is not true, you were not to blame, you have no guilt to carry; let it go and embrace your new future. Just keep the knowledge of what happened to you as a reference to help you recognise if you ever feel that you are in danger of being in such a relationship again. But don’t let it influence your sense of self; know your own worth, and enjoy happiness now you have found it.
Also don’t transfer your previous partners guilt onto a new partner; actions speak louder than words, let his actions be the definition of who he is.
Don’t end up like me, old and alone, in the end I found out thanks to a dear friend, that it was myself I did not trust to judge if someone was safe for me to be with; when all that time I though it was all other people I did not and could never trust. Trust your own judgement. You know now what bad looks like, now you can see good.
Same, been there. My past relationships have been very abusive physically and mentally, I’ve been beaten black and blue. When I wouldn’t give them what they wanted sexualy they would just take it. I’ve told no one apart from my hubby (we went to school together so we’ve known each other since 96) he got me away from that, and we got together and he started to do simple little things that for me it totally freaked me out, all sorts of things went through my mind, why’s he being nice, why’s he saying such lovely things to me, and in a way I was pushing him away cos I thought I was going to get hurt again. But I sat down with him burst into tears and told him everything and I mean everything, he was totally understanding of why I was acting like that, he was amazing. It took me a very long time to trust him in what he was saying was true, that my body, the way I look doesn’t disgust him in any way and when he says he loves me he does, and he wouldn’t judge me, be ashamed of me or take the piss out me. He’s taught me how to trust again and to love myself and except who I am. I don’t know where I’d be without him, he’s my whole world.
I’ve always been that guy in a relationship Manners don’t cost a thing and it’s not hard to be nice so I never understood why people have to be such a$$holes to their partners I’ve had partners in the past thinking the same things as you and even had them push me away because of it. But you’ve got to remember that those people treating you bad, they’re dicks and you don’t have to put up with that. If they’ve treated you bad, that’s no reflection on you, that’s all on them that’s their problems not yours, their actions/opinions dont matter if they treat people like that. In regards to how to treat this new guy, just be courteous back show your appreciation for those little things because he’ll appreciate that and enjoy being treated so well because you deserve it!
Morning @sharbur , sorry to hear that your past has been so bad, but we’re not all the same. Sometimes when a man meets someone he wants to keep, he’ll go out of his way to make her happy and give her what she deserves.
Coming from a 38 year old, only ever had 3 girlfriends, and when I met the OH over 20 years ago, did everything I could to hold on to her. Simple wee things all add up. Have you ever spoke about your past to him? Sometimes it’s good to open up to each other, let them know how you feel, and let us help you. He sounds like a good fella that won’t want to hurt your feelings etc.
Please don’t take this as a lecture etc, my OH had a bad time before I met her, still has bad memories. But I made it my goal to give her more good memories to think about.
Love ya @sharbur, take care
The best way to look at it is this - everyone is an individual and different. If you base your expectancy of future relationships and experiences based on those from the past you’ll already be setting yourself up to fail.
Take each new relationship, interaction and experience in isolation as a fresh, new thing and you’ll give it the best chance of being a positive, rather than negative. It’s not easy. But just because somethings happened in the past or someone has behaved in a certain way that bears no correlation to anything that may happen moving forward. Otherwise the logical thing to do following any bad experience would be to never attempt to repeat it or try again.
Try and keep an open mind. Past experiences do naturally shape how we perceive people and activities but you have to give new people a chance to show their true character and behaviour.
I’ve kinda been there so know the feeling pretty well.
What I’d say is to try not judge him compared to the guys of your past as that’s basically already unfairly labelled him, the best thing is to see him through fresh eyes and let him be a gentleman to you as he’ll feel happy knowing he’s making you feel special.
You can also try open up about your past relationships by saying to him how badly you’ve been treated so in turn you can both connect over it and bond stronger.
There’s always gonna be that niggling sense of doubt that everything is gonna come crashing down cause being happy is too good to be real, this is your minds way of protecting you from getting hurt. Having him reassure you often can help gradually to ease any doubts
@sharbur As others have said , just enjoy it . Over the half century I have been in relationships I have dated women that were confused because I was the first guy to treat them with respect . I was raised to be a gentleman and be nice to everyone . When I met my second wife , she was a bit confused but found she rather liked it . Evidently she still does , we are coming up on our 34 year anniversary .
Never let the past guide your future & there is nothing wrong with being cautious. My mom & dad taught me to be honest & respectful especially mom. They were married 58 years so go with the flow & see what happens rather than wondering about what could’ve been. I have trust issues also so i do know what you mean. Good luck!
good luck to you hope it goes well
Manners don’t cost a thing and it’s not hard to be nice so I never understood why people have to be such a$$holes to their partners 
