I have been with my partner for nearly a year and he hasn't been able to make me cum. It has become apparent that he couldn't make any of his previous partners cum. I really want to help him but I don't know what to say or do. He hardly goes down on me and when he does it its for a couple of seconds. I'm so frustrated. I do love him a lot and I don't think I would leave him because of this. But I can't go on like this. I used to go down on him every time we had sex but I don't want to anymore :(
Have you asked him to go for longer? Refusing to go down on him because he won't on you is a bit immature, if he's never been able to make a woman orgasm it'll be an insecurity for him, be gentle, try 69 as there's less pressure. Tell him what technique you like best and talk him through it, and encourage him when he's doing it for you, moan move slightly to get him in a perfect position.
Bear in mind how you would feel if he was upset that you were rubbish at giving blow jobs and deal with it how you'd like him to. It is something that can be learned but you can't just lie back and expect him to figure it out, give him ideas of what you like and encourage when he gets it right
Yes it is an insecurity for him but I'm fed up of giving him so much attention and not getting much back in return. I tell him he needs to go down on me longer than a few seconds and he complains his tongue hurts.
I came here for support not to be insulted by being called immature!
Maybe hes not into oral sex? Have you tried other things?
Ok...well people will be honest with you on here, you shouldn't take offence at that. It IS immature to not want to pleasure him just because you are not being pleasured, you're punishing him instead of communicating with him which is not helpful. It is possible to cum without oral sex, and there is no point fixating on it as it is clear this isn't your partners strong point/preference. Do you engage in any other foreplay? Do you masturbate yourself so you aren't just piling the pressure on him to be the sole source of your orgasms? Do you know your body enough to be able to gently guide him as to how and where to touch you? I can understand it is frustrating, but taking it out on your partner really will only make things worse.
I didn't intend to insult you but sex is a sensitive issue, especially for a man struggling to please his woman, you need to look at this in a kinder light, the more you push what you want without direction the harder it is for him. The tongue hurting can be either an excuse because he either doesn't like giving oral, which is totally within his rights and if so-not something you can force him to change, or because he gets anxious that he doesn't know what to do. Or it's genuinely hurting because he doesn't know many techniques and strains his tongue with repetitive movements. You need to talk openly with him and discuss how you can help him NOT how he should do more for you.
Do you know what tequniques you like? How long it can take you to orgasm? You have to understand your body before he has any chance of doing
I think Lovebirds and Y&F are spot on with this one. Lack of communication is fatal for any relationship. A lot of guys take it badly if they can't fully satisfy their woman.
I guess I'm lucky in the fact that me and my OH always have great sex. However, it's only that way because we communicate about what we like and what we don't. It wasn't always that way, but because we've been open and honest since day 1, we've grown together and worked around any obstacles.
It will only increase his insecurity if you deny him pleasure because you aren't getting your own. Ask yourself and ask him whether there's anything you can go to fix the situation, rather than laying the onus solely on him.
being open and honest with one and other is the best way in a relationship .. by talking about it is the only way you will sort things out :-) tongues are not the only tool of the trade :-)
I don't want to just repeat what everyone has already said, so I figured I would tell a short story from the man's POV. Early on in my marraige, I thought that I was dojng everything right, including oral. Specifically to oral, I wasn't spending enough time in the right way, I moved around alot, thinking that is what she needed. I guess I just assumed that is how it was done, don't know. Finally she came clean, and while I took it as a knock on me at first, it saved our sex lives. We have learned to open up and make sure our partner knows what we like. Talk to him, you never know, but it will probably make things better, a lot better. Oh, I almost forgot, I have dealt with tongue pain and neck pain and back pain. I found that oral is like everything else, try different positions to see what works. Everyone has this idea that he needs to be laying chest down between your legs with his head bent up to put his face in you. This is very uncomfortable and actually will cause tongue pain and fatigue. Just saying, hope th is may have helped.
I wouldn't say you were being immature, if he's being selfish and getting all of the pleasure and not trying to give any in return it's not exactly going to put you in a great mood is it, sex is for both people's enjoyment not just one person's.
It might just be that he's not sure what to do though and instead of talking to you to find out what you like or how to do things, he's just avoiding it altogether to save himself feeling embarrassed. Talk to him and guide him, let him know what feels good and ask him what he likes too.
I had a similar kind of thing with my OH at the beginning of our relationship but once we'd actually talked through what we like things got a lot better :) x
+1 for Jrok here.
Get him to try different positions, you have to be physically comfortable otherwise neither of you can relax and enjoy it.
Good feedback is important, as said above, he might be thinking he's hitting all the right spots but might be way off, so coach him. Turn it into a 'voyage of discovery' for both of you, treat it more like a team sport than an individual one, and you'll get him on your side, then he might start listening rather than feeling pressured.
Some guys just really dislike giving oral sex. Do you shower thoroughly beforehand and/or wipe yourself properly after the toilet? No guy wants to taste that you've been to the toilet, and a surprising number of women have left over bits of toilet paper stuck to them. Maybe he doesn't like the way your natural lubrication smells or tastes, or the texture of it. Don't forget, for a male to give oral sex he is much closer to the anus, this might be a factor as some people really don't like anal, think of the anus as dirty/germy or really don't want their face near it. It is possible he gets a bit claustrophobic, especially if you wrap your legs around him or squeeze his head with your thighs.
At the end of the day, it is clearly something he doesn't like doing, whatever his reason you need to accept it, and to try to make him or moan at him for not doing it is unfair. In relationships you need to compromise, if you honestly don't dislike giving oral or even enjoy doing it then to not do so just as a "you won't so i won't" is very childish.
Just seen this thread:
I am going to talk from a personal experience with some one I have been with for many years. First of, its the womans chice `who` she `allows` to give her an orgasm. Truly you do have that type of control over your body mind and spirirt. Moving on, I comprehend how hard it is `not` to become frustrated as your partner/lover when things are not going right in the bedroom.
The bedroom space should in all waysm be about respect, sincerity, its also a space where each person is and becoes very sensitive, so any type of insult, quip comment could easily be taken very personally. Men take it very hard when they realise they are not pleasing their lover, but same goes for women. To address you may not be satifying your parter OMG shock horror!
Then comes in the self critisim, taking things personally, turning that to more anger, which tends to get projected and thrown at your lover/partner. Patience is the key here, and the opennes to talk about things, yes at times the truth hurts, but when its out in the open and discussed, with no intent to hurt the other party, then things can be resolved. There is so much hype and taboo about orgasms and how they are given, be it penetration oral etc is does not matter
Some want our needs met and the others well never get met, Men/women `your there to serve me` means the other gets neglected and feels dissapointed. Nothing worse than feeling sex is on a clock, everything is timed, When the man cums then thats the end, same goes for the women!
~How things can be improved~
Sex/intimacy should never be a routine or somethng to be boked into a diary etc, certainly between two people who have been together a while
If there are thigs going wrong in the bedroom, when it comes to discussion, do not talk about it when your angry. Homor your self and the other person. Make a time ask when they are free to chat. Eye contact is essential
Its ok if your in tears, its ok if your angry, but make sure its not an attak on the other person, holing onto anger is when the damage starts
Communication talk about your likes and dislikes, be open to change, if one has a fantasy they wish to try and you feel ok with it then go for it,
If there is a definate NO to something then dont press the matter, I personally dont like certain things but I made sure than my partner knew it was nothing against him or their sexua performance. Same goes for my partner he does not like certain things and I needed not to take that personally.
Variety helps, dont be frightened to break through some fears, taboos and restrictine belief systems :)
Be gentle on your self, and him/her (gosh i felt like Jerry springer there)
My hubby was like this when we first met..it turned out he was inexperienced and scared he'd do something wrong and hurt me. We took things slowly and tried out different techniques on each.other and he's an absolute master at it now!
Make time to talk about it outside of the bedroom and don't get angry with him. Punishing him by not giving him oral sounds like a bad idea to me.. Sex isn't about bearing grudges.My hubby usually climaxes far more often than me but I love pleasuring him so it doesn't matter.
Give your partner time and make sure you let him know when something feels good. I'm sure he's just scared. Good luck.