Confused and in need of help

Sex Tips & Talk
1

Hi all,

I just wanted to ask for help on here as you are all AMAZING at giving out advice.

I think my marriage is falling apart and I can't seem to make it right.

I do everything possible to make him happy, I do all the housework, all the cooking, I never ask him to do anything at all but that doesn't seem to be enough. I'm not Cindarella, I don't know what else I can do!!!!!!

Also, last week he said he was going to his mates for a few beers, then at 10:45 he text me( curse the f***er who invented texts!!!!!) saying he was stopping out then turned his phone off, he went to work the next day but I found out he'd gone round town with his mates (who are well known slags) and a few girls, I confronted him about it but he denied it at first, then he said he did go out but there was no lasses there, and finally he admitted the lot to me.

When I asking him why he didn't tell me he'd gone out, he said it was because he 'knew I'd go mental' at him.

I've felt betrayed since then, although I don't think he would cheat on me, but I might be wearing rose tinted glasses on that one.

I don't seem to be able to get it out of my head and its driving me crazy, needless to say there has been little physical contact, in the last few months we have only had sex three times, he claims he's gone off it.

Can any of you lovely people help me please????

Thank you all x

2

Hi Mel,

Can't really offer you any solutions, but if it helps, as you describe the situation, I don't think you have any rose-tinted specs on and to be honest, he sounds like a right c**t and seems to be living in some past era when women did the lot and men did what they wanted!

Hope someone can provide a more helpful reply, but I am maybe of the wrong sex and age group to know what to do for the best.

Good Luck with whatever happens.

3

Hi Bingo,

The thing is he is a nice fella, deep down under it all, I just wish I could get him to come back out.

If I'm not around he can manage to cook something little and once in a blue moon he will help with the houshold chores. I know it is my job as a housewife and I'm not complaining about that as such, I would just like a bit of help every now and again, e.g if your going into the kitchen ten you take your rubbish with you, its common sense.

Thank you for the reply hun xx

4

Marriage - and life - is about give and take, I reckon.

I guess you wouldn't have married him if he didn't have some redeeming qualities :) Let's hope he sees the light and shows them again!

5

Fingers crossed on that one but I don't know how much longer I can take it for, I'm sick of not knowing how things are going to be, and putting on a front for everyone, this seems to be the only place I can be myself

6

Oh, Mel, I'm so sorry to hear that.

The only thing I can think of is that it takes all participants to make a relationship work. If one participant doesn't want to try or contribute or be a part of it, there is nothing anybody else can do to make that person want to. From your description, it sounds like your husband hasn't wanted to for a long time. I think he was being unfair to you for not discussing this with you way sooner. It sounds as though he doesn't want to discuss it even now. I think that if you choose to try to fix everything, you're going to be on a long and winding road to the end of a losing battle, one which is likely to leave you exhausted and mentally in shreds.

I think the best thing you can do now, is to look after yourself, take care of yourself, and try to ensure you have everything you need to stay sane.

One thing I remember hearing from a bunch of women, is that once they decided they were going to give up on their failing relationships, stop prioritising their husbands, and start prioritising themselves, they all started taking care of themselves way, way better. Some of them lost weight, they all slept better, ate better, and they got themselves a life of their own. And what happened after that in some cases was that the husbands started chasing their wives again because they stopped being the mice those husbands turned them into, and resumed being the vibrant human beings they used to be. Some of those wives got back with their husbands, and some didn't. But I think all the women turned out to be better off afterwards.

Confidence, self assurance, and health are attractive. The only thing I can recommend is that you take care of yourself, make sure you have everything you need, and try to build a life for yourself which doesn't include your husband. Once he sees that you're enjoying yourself without him, and not chasing after him anymore, he may come chasing after you after awhile. And then again he may not. But either way, I think you'll be better off once you start focusing on yourself.

Please do take good care of yourself Mel. I'll be thinking of you.

Warmest regards,

Lubyanka.

7

Thnk you so much Lubyanka,

Your right that I don't take care of myself, I rarely wear make up or do my hair and its small things like that that do make me feel better. My weight is a big issue with me but he is adamant its not a problem so I've learned to live with that, although he never looks at women my size.

I will make more time for myself and make more of an effort for my sake, noone elses.

Once again, thanks x

8

Yeah do make yourself feel better in small ways. It sucks when you think you look crap (even if you actually don't) and confidence has a lot to do with sex appeal so step 1: give yourself a wee makeover. (I bought new boots today coz I felt crap and overweight and I feel sexier. Don't spend loads but some new lippie or time to put on some make-up is good).

Step 2: try and talk with him about your problems. Listen more than you talk at this stage. Give him time and leave it for that time if he just clams up. Do I remember that your hubbie is in the army? Has he seen a lot of active duty recently? I can imagine that that's tough to deal with so he may be delaing with that in his own way.

Step 3: We tend to get stuck in our arguments so he's being stupid in his behaviour, but it's a reaction to your behavious before. EG buggering off with little word is childish, but he obviously expected you to get annoyed (both views understandable!) So change your behaviour so you don't get stuck in the same arguments. This means he will have to address his bad behaviour as well.

Much, much easier to dole out advice rather than put it in action, so don't worry nothing's perfect, just do what you can to address the situation in a new way. Talking is good if you can get him to.

Good luck honey.

9

Mel, I hope I was helpful, it was my pleasure if I was.

(if I wasn't, let's just say I was quoting somebody else who hasn't got a clue, k? ;) )

I'm glad you plan to start focusing on yourself. I find nice comfortable soft clothes which suit me, and comfy long hot showers make such a difference to my day. Physical comfort is such a treat! I think almost all of my personal indulgences are about physical comfort.

I wish you good luck and good fortune, and much yumminess. :)

10

everyone's given good advice so far, don't think I can add much other than to reinforce what's been said.

Communication is important in any relationship, as Pink Floyd said.. "Keep Talking" otherwise all trust will be gone, he needs to understand that!

Having some 'you' time is also very important, you must never forget that you are a person in your own right and not a washin/cooking/cleaning machine.

11

sexymel88 wrote:

Fingers crossed on that one but I don't know how much longer I can take it for, I'm sick of not knowing how things are going to be

How do you want things to be Mel? I know that you have made a commitment to this man and your family but what about the commitment to yourself? You only get one life and although everyone has bad patches, we all have to do the best we can to make it an enjoyable life worth living.

Take a bit of time to really think about how you want your life to be. If he is messing you about/cheating etc then maybe it's not going to be the best thing for you and your child to be with him (of course he would still be their dad etc) . Maybe you just need some time to get back on track and things will be great. But it's your choice what you do and yours alone. A loving family unit is a wonderful thing but it certainly doesn't work out for everyone. You only need to look at the forum to know it's different strokes for different folks.

I feel for you, you seem to have had a lot to deal with and still very young so it's no wonder you feel unsettled and sad. You are getting advice from some more mature and confident ladies in Lubyanka et al and would do well to listen. I know I was bloody hopeless in my early 20's but that's how you learn and grow.

Consider yourself and your baby first. Hubby may have issues from duty or he may be a bad boy but either way it's time for you to take some control back into your life, it's yours after all.

Good luck, I hope whatever happens you will be happy.x

12

Mel, I was married very young, and a father, and our marriage only lasted three years. I’m not saying that a similar thing is going to happen to you, of course, that would be a stupid thing to put on here, but looking back and asking why, the first thing that comes is that we were simply too young. We literally hadn’t finished growing up yet.

That made both of us tend to stray in the direction of other people etc. I have no idea whether the same would be true in your case, but I think probably most of your husband’s mates are single, right? So he probably feels that to fit in and be one of the lads he has to be like them.

When I was married at that age I expected my wife to do everything at home, that was just ignorance on my part. I have been seriously knocked into a bit better shape since then. Boys are looked after by their mums at home and then they get married, they never learn how to look after themselves.

I think everyone has tried to give good advice here and I can’t add much, but Mel, everyone that has answered here is thinking of you and hoping things work out well.

13

Hi sexymel, sorry to hear about your problem, i thought it might help to hear from someone else who has been through similar,

i was with my, soon to be ex, husband for 14 years, i thought i knew him but he turned out to be a bit of a player and i recently found out at beginning of our relationship there he had two other women too, and that he had only picked me as he couldn't be with the woman he really loved (because she was with his best friend), great isn't it 14yrs, 4 kids and he tells me that! Anyway our relationship went sour pretty quick because he didn't bother to make me feel special,never bothered with birthdays or anniversarys (not even a card!) and always criticised and dictated what i could and couldn't wear. I spent years trying to save my marrige, i put a bit of weight on too and so thought the problems were down to that! Just thought i would add you haven't had sex for a few months, i hadnt kissed my husband in 12 years!!!! how bad is that!

In jan this year i finally realised that i shouldn't have to live like that and that i had actually stopped loving him many years ago, so i ended it, it was one of the hardest things i have ever had to do especially with having the kids, and its not easy, he is still living here while we sort out finances and somewhere else for him to live so that makes it all harder, but i dont regret ending it as i am finally getting my life back.

I had spent so long not having an identity that i found it really hard to find myself again, still am finding myself i think! Best advice i could give is start spending time on you for you. I started getting myself in shape and spending time on my nails and hair etc and it has made me feel so much better. I still have very little body confidence and really hate my body naked.

And just so you know there is light at the end of the tunnel, i recently got back in contact with my childhood sweetheart after 16yrs apart (so cliched i know!!!) but we had also been very good friends since the age of 5, we are now very happy in a relationship and he treats me how i deserve to be treated, which has been hard to accept as i am not used to it!

Think carefully about what you want and need, relationships are give and take, they can't work if only one party is giving! Life is too short and you deserve to be happy you seem like such a lovely person. Good Luck

x

14

Hi Mel,

Remember that there might not be too much to worry about here. It could just be a temporary phase - he could get be getting hassled by his mates for being under the thumb etc. or just wants some time out. It's really easy to take anything for granted eventually, so he won't exactly have weighed up the pros and cons of his actions beforehand, and peer pressure's always tricky.

Also, I wouldn't recommend going out with your mates etc. (unless you really want to) as it sounds like it'd just be a revenge thing - it might make him worry more than he needs to about your motives and things could escalate from there. If it would definitely make you feel better though, then you should. Be happy!

Obviously I don't know anything about your circumstances etc. so it might just be a better idea to ignore me completely cos I could be waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay off target!

15

Hi Mel, reading your threads for as long as l have l do not for one instant believe you have anything whatever to reproach yourself over, you have gone out of your way to please.

I driftet apart from my first Mrs T over quite a short time really, generally or to be more precise, specifically because we both didn't spend time communicating. I can say that looking back with the benefit of hindsight,so l am obviously in a relatively priviledged position.

Divorced in 1998 and a month ago she came back and took me for £110,000 from my retirement lump sum and £750 per month till she pops her clogs. Now l am not for one minute suggesting that you should start thinking in purely fiscal terms re what you are going through at the moment, but should things not come to fruition to your satisfaction then there are people out there you can talk to so that you do not have to feel downtrodden and powerless post any schism !!

This is not a thing you have to fight on your own Mel is what l am trying to say, but bearing in mind what l have endured then l am probably not the best person to dish out advice- good luck Mel, and l hope sincerely that things work out for you both.

When did you last go out somewhere together ?

TB

16

sexymel88 wrote:

Fingers crossed on that one but I don't know how much longer I can take it for, I'm sick of not knowing how things are going to be, and putting on a front for everyone, this seems to be the only place I can be myself

Also have you thought of talking to someone like a marriage guidance counsellor, you could do that alone or together, sometimes hearing yourself talking about something can make it much clearer, and sometimes its easier to be honest about your situation when you are talking to someone who doesn't know either of you. It may also help you to get thing clearer in your own head so then its easier for you to explain it to your husband. Or you may feel that you wouldn't want to talk to a stranger but it might be worth considering. You can get more info on counsellors from Citizens Advice.

17

Hi Mel, really sad to hear your not happy, but i think that you are taking too much of the blame for things being rough on yourself

Its often hard when a guy is away from home for a long time and it takes time to get back to normal life, i had a friend whos hubby worked on oil rigs and they used to fight like hell when he came back and just made up when it was time to go again!

The most important thing is to talk, but the way he seems to be at the moment he prob wants to shut things out. So if he wont talk you must look after yourself and your health, dont push him to talk it may take some time, but then again dont let yourself be walked over.

I think the marriage counsellor may be a good idea, do the army not provide you with some kind of help, im sure a lot of other couples must go through the same troubles

Speak to you soon x

18

Hi everone,

Thank you all for your kind words, I have bottled this up for too long and I have been putting on a front. I used to be so positive about everything, now I can't be arsed with anything to be honest. I started this thread as I like to think all you guys can hlp(which you all are, thank you very much) so I believe you are my councellers!

I'd like to say thank you to Carly and Ruth, the book made me smile as soon as I recieved it and if you can get hold of a copy then check out chapters 5 and 6, they gave me a chuckle as soon as I saw what they were about as it seems to fit me and hubby down to a tee. You guys really are brill!!

I have taken notes on everyones advice, you might not have thought you have helped me but you all have, its great to see I have so many people I can talk to.

I'm going to Yorkshire for the weekend, my mum is flying over from Spain and I haven't seen her since June so that should cheer me up too.

In answer to your question TB, the last time we went out together was months ago, I can't remember precisely but it was just as Sex and the City was released at the cinema, that was the last thing we did together.

I feel a bit cherrier today, maybe its because he's taken some of my point on board today and tidied up a little, maybe he wants to try after all.

Once again, I'd like to thank everyone so so much, you all really are great!

xxx

19

Mel maybe its just gonna take some time and work from both of you

but do keep talking if you can xx

20

im trying my hardest, i think hes trying too although i did break my front door in the process of throwing him out yesterday, its a good job we get free repairs on our house isnt it? lol xxx