Hi This is probably the most ridiculous (and never ending) post I’ll ever write, and I don’t know what I’m expecting from it, other than to just get my feelings out to someone... but I’m fully prepared to have some sense shaken into me. So thank you in advance to anyone who chooses to plough through this. I’ve had a FWB for just over a year (for context I’m 28 and he is 41) we started out as just friends and knew each other for a good few years before things developed into having a physical side. We both regularly expressed our appreciation of having a really good friend to trust and talk to about everything. And, despite a few ups and downs over the years, we’ve really established a connection that we’ve both agreed that we don’t want to lose. We also talk a lot of talk of being together as a couple when we’re both ready and how we both have a lot of feelings for each other. However. He recently decided to reconnect with his ex girlfriend, so over this time everything we had has just fizzled to barely nothing. I completely understand this on a physical level, but on the friendship side, it’s completely breaking my heart not to have him “there” anymore. In the last few weeks we’ve been out once and he was very uncomfortable most of the evening (parking as close to the venue as possible, looking around constantly while we were doing the activity) We also used to talk every evening and, although I know it’s obvious this amount of talking can’t happen when he’s spending time with his girlfriend, it’s got to the point where a week and a half ago he messaged me to say that he couldn’t cope with and regrets being back with his girlfriend, that she’s very controlling and I can tell he is genuinely not happy. And since then, any messages I have sent him have been read but he will not reply (other than a single message last week to let me know that he misses me and would like to join me on a night away next week that we had booked and paid for before he rekindled with his ex) I just don’t understand the complete radio silence or where to go from here. My last message to him was last week to ask if I’ve done anything to upset him and to remind him that we’ve said all along that if either of us don’t want to be friends anymore, then we have to be honest... but nothing. I feel like the advice I’d give to someone in this situation is to let go and move on, but it’s so much easier said than done and, with his message about keeping our plans next week, I’m feeling incredibly torn up and just don’t know what to do. Thank you for taking the time to read this, any advice would be greatly appreciated xx
It sounds like this guy was more than a friend with benefits to you. You've clearly got feelings for him, and that kind of emotional attachment can be devastating when it's severed. I think you're going to have to treat it just like a proper relationship break-up rather than a 'conscious decoupling' of a FWB.
Personally I wouldn't go on that trip, and I wouldn't speak/meet up with him for a bit. You could both do with a bit of space to get your heads around this new dynamic. And he needs to decide what he's doing with his (ex?)girlfriend. If he does decide to be with her then it could be very awkward/uncomfortable for her if he's bobbing out to see a recent fuck buddy, even 'as a friend'. And you clearly want it to be more than friends with benefits, so I'd also think hard about whether you'd be happy continuing a FWB style relationship with him even if you do get the chance.
Sorry if this isn't what you want to hear. x
Yes definitely not what I want to hear, but absolutely what I need to hear. So much of what you have both said rings very true and I think deep down I’ve been saying the same to myself. He said previously that he’s going to break up with her once he’s moved house etc, but like you said Alicia, if he wanted to, he would have. I just feel stupid hanging on for sweet nothing, but am struggling to cut the ties. Thank you both for your replies, it’s really helping to rationalise the situation, hopefully I can muster some courage to tell myself (and him) that it’s over xxx
Years before my wife and I first got together she had a couple of "relationships" like this. We were friends at the time, and it was clear to me that she was being used and left hanging for whenever the guys in question needed a change. She was told the same stuff about "I'll leave her soon" and all that. From my perspective it was crystal clear that wasn't going to happen, and I told her several times, bit despite being an intelligent woman she couldn't see it and told me I was wrong. She regrets it now, and I never went the whole "told you so" route, but your situation sounds very familiar and I'd say it's much the same. I'm sure you had a wonderful friendship once, but things change.i agree with the other two replies, I think it's time to let things go.
I think people are confused about what a friend with benefits is. 🙂 I was under the impression it was meant to be a casual thing with limited emotional ties, and no expectations for a future full-blown relationship.
Obviously a FWB situation can develop into an actual relationship, but both parties must agree, and there'd be no blame on their part if either didn't.
I'm not fully understanding why this guy (or any guy in a similar position) is at fault here? The situation seems to have evolved on one side to be more than FWB, but without formally making it sexually exclusive, or boyfriend/girlfriend, then I'm not sure how you can blame him for pursuing someone else?
I'm not particularly au fait with these things though, so if someone could point out my mistake I'd be grateful. 🙂👍
See I completely understand that I’m at fault here too. I know I shouldn’t have let feelings get in a situation which we mutually agreed would be free of them. However when he started making murmurs of having feelings about me/ us, it was difficult not to enjoy that side of it as it progressed. But now to literally have nothing is such a shock to the system. Especially when we’ve never gone a day without a “morning” or “goodnight” to each other, even if that’s all we’ve said in the day. So I do feel hurt, but mostly at the loss of a really good friendship and I know logically, especially after everyone’s advice, that I do need to try and move on from this.
karou9119 wrote:
See I completely understand that I’m at fault here too. I know I shouldn’t have let feelings get in a situation which we mutually agreed would be free of them. However when he started making murmurs of having feelings about me/ us, it was difficult not to enjoy that side of it as it progressed. But now to literally have nothing is such a shock to the system. Especially when we’ve never gone a day without a “morning” or “goodnight” to each other, even if that’s all we’ve said in the day. So I do feel hurt, but mostly at the loss of a really good friendship and I know logically, especially after everyone’s advice, that I do need to try and move on from this.
I'm not sure anyone's really at fault. Emotions are messy, relationships even more so. 🙂 From your point of view you've essentially split up with your boyfriend, even if that's not what it was/should've been called. It's going to hurt. I think trying to be friends in such a situation is going to be really hard, and hanging out will only feel unsatisfying as it's not really what you want.
Give yourself a bit of time to grieve for what you've lost. After that, see where you land and take it from there. 👍
karou9119 wrote:
Yes definitely not what I want to hear, but absolutely what I need to hear. So much of what you have both said rings very true and I think deep down I’ve been saying the same to myself. He said previously that he’s going to break up with her once he’s moved house etc, but like you said Alicia, if he wanted to, he would have. I just feel stupid hanging on for sweet nothing, but am struggling to cut the ties. Thank you both for your replies, it’s really helping to rationalise the situation, hopefully I can muster some courage to tell myself (and him) that it’s over xxx
We've all felt stupid over matters of the heart at times. The heart wants what it wants and naturally you've put your trust in the words of a friend+ that you care about... unfortunately, even if they care about you too, the lack of action behind the words and the dwindling messages except when unhappy are likely telling of the extent.
I'm embarassed to say I've been on the other side of this kind of scenario twice. In the moment I would believe what I was saying, yet later find myself making excuses, selfishly delaying difficult conversations with either person. This went on far too long. At one time, I received a very clear 'now or never again' ultimatum in a heartfelt yet non-negotiable way and in that situation it prompted change.
I'm not suggesting that's the right path for you, but from my own limited experience, you really do risk remaining in limbo as this backup companion for as long as you put your needs second and allow yourself to be available indefinitely.
Great advice, imo, from Alicia4Ever. This guy is holding you on a string so that you are around as and when he wants. I don't doubt that he might feel very torn, but if he felt so strongly about either you or his girlfriend then he would decide very quickly. He shouldn't be putting you through this.
I think you are giving him too much power - over your emotions and over the relationship. It is very hard to step back from that - but would you treat someone the way he is treating you?
Do you have other friends - maybe female friends - to spend some time with, for a while?
These sort of things can take a long time to get over - so give yourself time and try to do other nice things.
I had a heartbreaker boyfriend before meeting my OH. Similar pattern - irregular phonecalls, lovely texts folowed by nothing, great times together but quite a bit of quiet secrecy in between. I didn't spot it at the time and it took me about a year to get over. But when I met my OH things were clear and transparent from the start. We knew where each other lived, we had keys, we met each other's friends, his parents knew my name and vice versa, we went out and about openly and we talked properly - conversation, and also about our values and what we wanted from life. The difference between the two relationships was stark - and one involved trust as a matter of course, the other didn't.
A FWB relationship is always going to insecure, I think. Take some time to get over this one and decide what you want. I would find it very difficult to be sexually involved with someone long-term without getting emotionally involved - not everyone is the same but if you have learned this about yourself eitherway then you can find something better.
Ok I’m a bit of an optimist, and maybe I see things differently. You need to speak to him openly before. Your night away. Make it clear your not going unless you get to talk properly beforehand.
I would ask if he loves the woman he is with. If he does, you and him are over. If he says no, what is he doing with her. Messing her head up? Tell him that despite being FWB you have emotionally progressed from there and feel the need to be either in an exclusive relationship with him, or no relationship at all. Then you have to stick to it.
You cant be manipulated this way and although it may be tough to do, I do think it would settle things one way or another. I hope this is helpful, sorry if it sounds harsh.
Problem was I fell in love and he didnt. He started seeing someone, they broke up and I was waiting. He got back with her, split again and yet I was still waiting. He always came back until he didnt.
We haven't spoken in almost 10 years now. It hurts because he was my best friend but I dont think I meant as much to him as he did to me.
In my opinion, as awful as it is and as much as it will hurt, dont wait for him. It will end in even more tears. Chin up my love x