Herpes

Sex Tips & Talk
1

I know I am going to sound very stupid but I have never had any experience of STD's until now.

Last night, after a massive oral session, I tried to take my new bf without a condom (I am on Depo for baby-proofing) he asked if I wanted it like that and I joked "why, do you have something?" to which he replied he had herpes! I had just gone down on him for a good 30 mins AND it was out second night together. He had used condoms for vaginal penetration our first time but I am now worried about all the oral.

If he is symptom free can I still catch it through oral or should I be using condoms for ALL sexual encounters? If so, can anyone recommended a laytex free, flavoured one?

He is EVERYTHING I want in a man...apart from that obviously. But someone knowingly and viciously gave it to him and now he is stuck with it.

I just don't know what is possibly now, how safe I am. Help me please.

2

If it's not active it's unlikely to pass on to you. It's basically the same as the coldsore virus and that's why you should never do oral if you have an active coldsore. However I would use condoms in future just to be on the safe side.

3

As far as I am aware, if he isn't currently experiencing symptoms (no tingling/itching in the areas he usually has it) then it is unlikely to have been passed on as the virus is currently dormant. If he has any symptoms currently though (itching/tingling etc) then it may have been passed on to you.
As I say, my knowledge of the herpes simplex virus is somewhat limited, but I'm relatively sure that this is the case.
Hope this helps!

4

Hmm something in me is nagging me he really should of told you this before you gave him oral.. I'm not here to lecture though but he really of should of warned you as i imagine you're a little panicked right now.

Ok anyway straight from the NHS website, you can catch Heprpes at anytime.. So yes you can still catch Herpes when people have no breakouts or symptoms. Although it is more common to catch it when they have break-outs (so blister like cold sores) on their genitals and you can also catch it from when someone has a cold sore on their mouth and preforms oral sex on you.

http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Genital-herpes/Pages/Causes.aspx

Try not to worry, if you do experience any sores down below id head straight to your gum clinic though. x

5

The risk of catching herpes from someone when they have no symptoms is TINY.

Check this website out, it's very good.

www.herpes.org.uk

Although I agree with Wildcherry, he should have told you before getting intimate.

6

not a medical expert - so best off speaking to a GUM clinic for a conclusive answer - and maybe get tested for absolute assurance and precaution.

However to echo the words of others, he should have told you.

You say he is all you want in a man, personally for me I like to keep honesty held up high in my list of 'wants' and he hasnt been so with you from the outset.

7

What everyone else has said, but also this: You can still catch herpes while wearing a condom. Sorry to be the bearer of that news, but herpes is not transmitted through bodily fluids. It is transmitted through skin to skin contact, so a condom can reduce the risk, but not remove it altogether. There are many myths about herpes and I am not a doctor, but I pulled this information from the internet (and checked a few pages to see if all agreed. Seems so):

1) Herpes is extremely common (one of the most common STDs/about 20% or 1 in 5 people have it)

2) Up to 80% of people who have it, do not even know they have it (asymptomatic)

3) It can be spread wthout your partner showing any symptoms at all. (Although the risk is reduced)

4) STD testing rarely routinely screen for herpes

5) It cannot be cured, but it is a manageable condition that can be treated.

Considering that up to 80% of carriers do not know they have it, due to showing no symptoms and considering STI tests often do not test for herpes and considering it is impossible to completely protect yourself from it, you can see why it is a very common STD.

I remember reading an article in which the author described a trip to the doctors for an STD test and when the doctor asked for past medical history, the person mentioned "I have herpes" and apparently the doctor said "Who doesn't" (This snippet from the article stuck in my head but I cannot find the article anymore arghh!)

Fortunately, the emotional distress and feelings of shame (due to a society telling you that you only catch stuff if you are dirty and promiscious) is the worst part about catching herpes. Herpes will not cause any major health issues, or cause damage to you, other than emotional I guess. It is largely asymptomatic (up to 80% of sufferers) and a large number of those who do suffer outbreaks often say they are mild. The outbreaks are treatable too.

Your guy should have told you before you did anything, to allow you to make a decision, or choice and that wasn't fair of him if he knew beforehand. However, I also don't think he deserves to be lynched or sentanced to a life of celibacy for this. Herpes is so incredibly common that it is highly likely that you will be exposed to it at some point during your sexual life anyway, due to how it spreads (skin to skin).

I seriously and wholeheartedly recommend doing some research into herpes. It will really help to seperate the scaremongering and shaming, from the truth (You are not dirty, it is not something only promiscious people get. It only takes one sexual experience etc) and help you understand what it is and how it works.

Hope this helps. I just wanted to help ease your mind a bit. Unfortunately most of the above info comes from online sources though (No personal experience, if I have it, I have no symptoms) and I do think you should research properly to find out what you are facing here.

8

Thanks Fluffbags. I intend to do as much research as I can.

As you rightly say, he doesn't deserve to be condemned to celibacy or lynched for it. It was a bit off not to tell me before but I can understand his reasons. He didn't tell me straight away is because he was scared and embarrassed. As I said before, he was given this disease by someone who wanted to mess his life up and has lost most previous relationships by being open about it from the start. He was in tears after he told me because he knew he should have told me before and he was scared to lose me as we really hit it off from the word go and seem so right for each other. Given that I have to deal with a lot of stigma myself as a sufferer of mental health issues and parent to child with ASD I can understand his fear of judgement.

1 Like
9

The herpes simplex virus is much like the chicken pox virus in that once you catch it it lives in your nervous system and can break out at any time such as around your period or due to stress. When the virus is inactive (dormant) inside the nerve cells it cannot be caught by a partner.

Both Herpes types (type 1 and 2) can cause symptoms on the genitals, mouth, or fingers. However, type 1 is more likely to recur when it is caught on the face and does not often recur when it is caught on the genitals and type 2 is more likely to recur when affecting the genitals.

Around your mouth you may feel a tingling sensation before the herpes appears, however I cannot speak for genital symptoms as I have only ever had cold sores myself, which are still herpes! However I read that 'symptoms may start with itching, tingling, inflammation and discomfort in the area affected.' Blisters or ulcers will then most likely appear.

You will not spread the virus to other parts of your own body after the first outbreak and if your partner and you have the same virus you will not reinfect each other: 'if you have caught it on your genitals from your partner’s facial cold sores, he or she will not catch the virus back on the genitals.'

I would ask your partner to thoroughly check his genitals to see if he has any signs of an outbreak, if he is not showing any blisters or ulcers then you are most likely fine as the virus may be dormant. However, it can still have a minute chance of being spread through asymptomatic shedding - but that is only if the virus is shedding enough to infect you.

I have had cold sores maybe three times in my life so I obviously caught herpes from someone somehow. I would be extra safe when coming into contact with genitals if I had an outbreak and your partner really should have discussed the fact he had had genital herpes before, even just to reassure you if he has no ulcers at this time.

This is a great website for info on herpes as Delilah said: http://www.herpes.org.uk/

10

Oh I also wanted to say, I had quite a bad breakout recently with a big blister on my lip. I got quite a few stares when I was out and about but I don't care, catching an STI is nothing to be ashamed of (I couldn't even tell you how I got mine I just randomly got a coldsore one day!) and the stigma surrounding them makes everyone believe this hype that once you catch an STI you're dirty and disgusting forever. Herpes is a nuisance as it can't be cured, but it is definitely treatable and can be lived with. Almost every other STI can be cured with antibiotics or a simple injection if you catch it early enough! So don't let your partner feel too bad about it as long as he is responsible during an outbreak :)

11

Mnms, I actually used to suffer from cold sores when I was younger but haven't had an outbreak since using tea tree oil on it. I don't know if this has somehow destroyed the virus or whether it is just very dormant but I have a lot of stress, which is a major trigger, and I haven't had a single cold sore in almost 10 years!