Hello fellow Forum Members - I am in need of advice.
There are two parts to my dilemma, and I am sure they have been covered elsewhere but I would like some fresh thoughts, from either women or men.
A little background - we are married couple who have been together a long while, but still want each other. My wife has always been a little shy, and i have always been reticent about pressing her for what I would like. Nither of these issues has stopped us enjoying the other - but as we get older I am desirous of a couple of things before we slow down, in terms of sex life.
Since discovering Lovehoney things have infact improved - with my wife, day by day, becoming a little more adventurous and actively and willingly enjoying a wide variety of toys and light bondage. All good so far, but there are two things that I would love to introduce to our sex life.
1. I would adore it if she would masturbate for and with me (but this is seemingly taboo for her).
2. I dream of taking a very private collection of photos and video of us - the thought of us seeing ourselves making love is a huge turn on for me. This last desire has not been dissmissed by her - for the simple reason that I do not know how to introduce the subject without scaring her off. Believe me my wife looks fabulous but I am not sure she would agree, and her shyness might just lead to a point blank 'No'. I would not dream of doing without her consent - so I am stumped.
I realise this is a bit rambling - but I hope it makes sense and that, perhaps, someone here has encountered and resolved the problems I have - from either perspective.
Coming from an extremely shy person in the bedroom department, mutal masturbation is okay for me but masturbating on my own while someone watches? Big turn off for me. Me and my OH have openly discussed this as he enjoys that sort of this. But just makes me overly uncomfortable.
With the picture/video thing. Me and OH have done a few things with pics but not much in most of them part of me is covered with a blanket/quilt so not all of me is in the pic. You just need to be open and honest with her discuss it properly. You never know, she may surprise you. Good luck, if you do, let us know how yoi get on x
So to me it from reading what you wrote, it sounds like she is already trying a lot of new things to please you. I think perhaps you should ask her what would really turn her on and make her the focus for a while. I find that when my husband is attentive to my needs and I his, that the other is more than happy to oblige in trying new things for the other's pleasure? If it is something that makes her truly uncomfortable then I am sure you will be a gentleman about it and seek other ways of finding mutual pleasures.
Hey MDH, I can understand your frustrations and after being together for a while everyone gets comfortable and starts to forget what they have. But it's great that you are both still enjoying eachother and it's nice that lovehoney has taken a part in that, I think a lot of couples can thank them for bringing something new into the bedroom. As far as I can understand you want a few things to happen but your partner seems shy to this. Lots of couples do get this frustration as one person wants one thing and the other doesn't want to do something or just gets weirded out so you need to come to some sort of half way point. Firstly you can't force anyone to change how they feel and if your partner does feel shy, nervous or insecure then you need to support her and not add any further pressure. Maybe try asking if you can watch her use a toy and see how she feels about this, if she is really reluctant and feels shy about the situation then you will need to just understand this. I for one know exactly what it's like to have a fantasy and be with someone who doesn't want to play along but you need to respect her feelings first before your own.
As with the first problem your encountering the photos are very taboo and due to the modern age of photos being stolen or not being so secure it's something that a lot of us tend to shy away from. Maybe you should just communicate these across to your partner, just tell her you would love to have some Memories of what you get up too and you think it would be sexy if you both looked back at the fun you have together. Maybe if she feels uncomfortable with the idea they may get into the wrong hands then you could get a Polaroid camera or get a special USB pen which is encrypted with a password to keep your moments safe.
Unfortunately as with a lot of sexual issues that arise, I think the biggest and most key part to what your facing is commutation and being worried your going to scare your partner off. But you have nothing to lose, we all have thoughts and feelings and fantasies and you cause no harm just asking. Have a few drinks and just sit down and chat about it all, maybe find a movie which has a few scenes of people taking photos of eachother or mutual masturbation and speak to her about it. Sorry I can't be of much help, but I'm sure after a few conversations you will get to the bottom of it all.
I think it's easy to get overwhelmed by the thought of trying something new, whether that's toys, restraint play or other.
Perhaps a discussion oiputside the bedroom is in order, quiet drink in a pub or similar with an understanding that there is no judgement and any answer is perfectly OK, no pressure.
I would also suggest just letting the dust settle. When you find a new activity or style of play that you both enjoy, stick with it for a while, let the buzz wear off before pushing the boundaries again. It's a marathon, not a sprint,
First of all ,all I can read is me ,me me . I think you need to ask her what she wants especially as she comes accross as a shy person. The best way you can get her over this shyness is to do things on her terms instead of yours all the time .
Masturbation for some can be regarded as a private thing and she may not be comfortable in doing it in front of you. So I would leave it at that . To apply pressure on your partner would be wrong . Perhaps you could include it as a question in your 6 monthly sex survey on each other . We tend to do a survey on each other every 6 months which forms some sort of agreement in principle to try new things or not as the case may be .
Taking pictures of a shy partner in the buff let alone having sex can just fill them with dread . You hear in the media about pictures in compromising situations getting into the wrong hands. So IMO some sort of safeguard and reassurance will be most likely needed.
Again you should ask her if its something that she would want. It maybe that she will be happy having pictures taken whilst wearing sexy lingerie ( from LH of course) and perhaps doing some modelling for you .You could always agree to take pictures without showing her face perhaps in similar fashion to those submitted in the LH Members Photos page . You could come to some sort of deal . Buying her lingerie in return for tastefull lingerie pictures on her terms . Perhaps not quite what you want but it would perhaps boost her confidence and perhaps a small step in the direction that you want as well. Relationships are about many compromisies and this being no exception here.
Thanks to all of you for your thoughts - any others will be equally gratefully received.
You ALL make some excellent points - I do however want to make one point clear, while I understand how, in the words of mysteron, it may seem to be "Me,me,me...", it truly isn't. Indeed, nothing could be further from truth.
My wife's pleasue is paramount, and I would never force an issue. I just know there is so much pleasure we can share.
I shall re-read all of your responses, and any that follow - thank you.
Instead of asking her to play in front of you, suggest she secures you to a chair and teases you. When she asks how you say in an offhanded way "oh you could do a bit of a strip or play with yourself knowing I can't get at you".
It is a way of changing the centre of interest away from her and onto you. It may not work but then again she may find herself enjoying it more than you want so be carefull what you wish for.
I think a chat outside of the bedroom is definitely needed.
Sex surveys are a good starting point. They will enable each of you to have a really good idea of what is completely taboo, what is something you may be willing to try and what is a definite yes. Writing things down is often much easier for someone who is shy than having to talk about things of this nature face to face.
Do you know if your wife masturbates whilst on her own ? If she does then it's unlikely she considers it to be 'wrong or dirty'. If she doesn't do it on her on then the chances of her doing it for you are nill and you will have to accept that. If she does on her own then there is hope. Do you masturbate in front of her ? If you participate in mutual masturbation you could gently suggest that you change over and each do yourselves. Just for a few seconds to start with and you could VERY gradually increase the time spent..... only increase it if she's entirely comfortable though. Maybe you could have a lovely bath together, wash yourself all over, then start to wash her but ask her to help you and gently guide her hands to where you would like them to be....she may not be so shy if she's covered with warm water and bubbles.
As for the photos, I would suggest some sensual pics to start with. Does she have any sexy lingerie that she feels confident in ? If yes then maybe ask of you could take a pic of her wearing it so that you can look at it when you're missing her. Don't tell her you'll look at it at work in case she thinks your mates might see if. Perhaps on the way to work or on the way home. Then once she gets comfortable with that you could look through Lovehoney and buy her some more sexy undies and take more pics. Show her your photos and tell her how hot she looks and how much you get turned on looking at her. I'm sure that if it is just shyness that's causing her feelings you should be able to overcome this.... together. Make sure you give her something nice back that she would like to try/do....maybe she'd like to take some sexy snaps of you ? 😉 If you start snapping away at each other in sexy undies you may end up getting a surprise at how far she's willing to go.
Note the 2 important words in the above.....gently and together. Nothing puts a woman off something quicker than being pushed to hard. I don't think that reading your post you would do that anyway xx