G’day
So it’s been over 2 years since we last had sex. September 14 2019 our anniversary. Then she got pregnant and we havnt had sex since. I’ve tried many times and never happened. Ivebee trying really hard the past week and just getting shut down by instant topic change. I’ve tried being more touchy and dropping hints and suggesting a night away alone. She just doesn’t seem keen.
Anyone have any ideas what I can do? Tried talking about it and she just says it’s to hard if our son wakes up.
I’m about to book a hotel for a weekend and get our son looked after for a few hours and get the hotel to do a romance package and hope it works.
Any advice will be amazing!!!
I’ve tried having that talk but she doesn’t say anything. Just says everything is hard and stressful with all this covid stuff. Always complains about being stressed. I offer massages or offer to run her a bath after our son goes to bed so she can relax. I got her a spa day gift voucher with a massage for a personal day off and she won’t use it. Early on she said about body image but every time she says it I give her a hug and say I still find her as attractive as the day we first met. When she’s getting dressed or just out the shower I always give her that look that I’m still finding her attractive.
Forgot toention before I do say things about the past and our first time together our first kiss. Last time in the hotel room and how good she looked and that I love feeling her body ECT
I cannot really offer any more advise than what has been said already. The important thing is to be touchy, feely without sex even being considered. Could it be she is very very tired looking after the child? Communication is key but I realise that can be difficult. Hopefully you will get better advice soon. Good luck.
There isn’t going to be a simple solution, and you might be doing all the “right things” yet still be a chance that she just doesn’t feel like it right now. But as a 30yr old mum I’ll try and share some thought processes that I personally have had and there’s a small chance some of it will apply
“I am exhausted”
“please don’t wake up tonight”
Laying in bed, “did we take the washing out,? rubbish out? Pack leftovers away? Turn the TV off? Close the baby gates? Is he breathing? Hes quiet… oh god somethings wrong”
“oh god hubbies going to want to have sex soon, it’s been so long, I feel bad but I just don’t know how to even approach that right now”
“I am SO tired”
“Ugh everything looks gross”
“What the f do we do if we have sex and I end up pregnant again, omg I can’t go through that again”
“Please, just sleep. But not quietly, sleep loudly so I can hear you”
“I wonder if he hates me for not putting out right now. I want to… I just can’t”
“I think I’ve actually forgotten how to have sex. How embarrassing is that, I’m such a loser”
“Why would he even want to have sex with me. Gross”
I don’t know what your family dynamic is, I DO know that my partner shared the nighttime feeds with me, we took work and parenting in turns both working part time and and he would do most of the housework - so all of the “right” things - but I still found myself mentally exhausted and a real block on things. We had many conversations and he never cheated or got angry or visibily upset anything like that… But the biggest feeling I had was the guilt. I knew what he wanted even when he tried dress it in different ways and that guilt was another block because sometimes I’d force myself to make an effort that I wasn’t prepared to make and that didn’t help either as it just left a bad taste in the mouth of us both confidence-wise. Timing was awful too, and is still an issue 11 years later lol by the time we go to bed in the evening I am exhausted and just want to collapse… But in the morning when I’m more alive lol the kids are always awake before us which is ok since my youngest is now 8 and Independant enough to get up without coming in our room - but still nerve racking . if yours is what, 18 months? One of you is definitely got to be with them lol
You need to ride it out, and make sure you’re not making the lack of sex a primary issue in your relationship. She is probably well aware of it, and nervous about how to get back to it or what is going to happen if she can’t. But also, try and give her some alone time - maybe get her a sexy book to read or if you guys have toys move them to a slightly more memorable location then take the baby out for the day… Maybe she needs some time for solo play to remind herself that she enjoys sex and what feels good etc that generally works for me… And once I do it once I go through a phase where I want it all the time
Anyway sorry for the essay, just weird thoughts from my brain
Think there’s an awful lot of great advice here already from @Jazzam@steve19@forwardghoul52, and not really much that can add on to what they have said really, and obviously her being Mum has changed things for her.
It could obv be a body image thing, or it could be something a little more about feeling in permanent Mum mode, wanting to always be available for baby - and I would imagine that doesn’t involve feeling sexy. Based on her concerns around if your son wakes up, it might be Mum mode (and I think @Jazzam has covered all of that amazingly!!). It could stem from her family dynamics when she was little also.
From your post, it doesn’t sound like you are doing anything wrong at all, just be careful of not turning it into a ‘thing’ though as it will make things more difficult (may have to just accept that sex is off the menu for now).
The thing that will help most (yet feel soooo long like I imagine it does already) is time. Do what you can to help share the parenting duties, try encouraging her to do some little things like spending time with friends or family whilst you take care of baby. It may help her get back in touch with her own needs and being herself. If she’s worried about leaving baby, she could invite friends over?
I think communications and talking are really important in terms of how life and things have changed more than the sex side of it. Like what is causing the stress, what is she finding hard. What can be done to help resolve those first without sex being the end goal.
Maybe look for safe moments of intimacy, like cuddles on the sofa, just holding her close to you. In terms of massage, giving her a head or foot massage would feel less sexual for her, and will give you closeness, contact and help her relax. With those, can just ask her to lay down and do them. If your son stirs, let her stay there and do whats needed for him.
My concerns around the hotel idea is that she may see it as pressure, my guess is that it is unlikely to end how you want it to. Things like the spa day and massages, running baths, she may find difficult in accepting if she feels she has to give something in return. If you’re expecting/wanting sex, she is likely to sense that the type of thoughts that @Jazzam mentioned likely to start coming through.
Sorry, only intended on a quick one liner reply, thoughts developed as I typed.
Get to know what her love language is. What you think is something that will get her turned on might not be what she likes. ie: physical touch or gift might not be her thing. I do agree that communication is key. I too also have a OH that doesn’t like talking about sex or feelings we are going to try seeing a therapist to help him open up more. This might help you as well. A sex therapist or couples therapist might be a good option. I hope you guys are able to connect intimatley again and communicate with each other about it.
I agree that you should hold off on the hotel idea and do that once you have taken that step and brought the intimacy back - just so you can both fully enjoy the night away, once it comes.
Having a baby does so much to the body - in all ways: physically, emotionally and mentally. As much as you both may want to, things don’t just return to how they used to be.
There’s are so many things to do/worry/stress about - all while the life is being drained out of you.
Having a healthy, happy baby is the number 1 priority so everything else takes a back seat for the time being.
What really helped me was hubby doing his bit, being thoughtful, taking over when I was exhausted, keeping everyone fed when I have no energy, cooking my favorite meal - it’s just the little things that make you feel good and less stressed.
One thing I would say though - about the spa and massage. Is this something that she would have been up for before, but now she is not interested?
The whole body confidence struggle is too real for many people.
But Funnily enough, no matter how much the person who loves you - tells you how beautiful you are and how good you look or how much they love you. It’s really hard to believe what they say and that they could possibly find you sexy when you feel like total shit and you feel like your body looks pretty disgusting.
It will take some time for her to be comfortable in her own skin again, so you just have to be patient with her, keep talking to her, keep letting her know how hot she is and what you’d like to do with her.
Help her to do the things that make her feel good
We went through this after our first, I thought it would never happen again. The best advice we were given was, a friend ask her if she had a vibrator. And first she had to work on herself.
That night she told me what her friend had said! we bought one. And after a couple of weeks she was back to her self. We now have a better sex life that we have ever had.
That is great news and you/wife have a great friend that was open enough to discuss these thought of things. Its good to have friends like these. @Boltonlad1
Me and the wife n baby are living with my parents while we build our own house. It is a massive sex killer, even before our boy was born. You lose the spontaneity of sex and the general closeness of being alone that leads to good sex life. After our boy was born sex was obviously infrequent, it did pick up and I did book a hotel night n we had the best dirty Igbo in ages… recently a very close family member has taken very very sick. Last couple months has been nothing but hospital visits. Our sex life has been zero for a long time. I have tried her and she has straight up said no, her mind is so occupied with everything that has put her sex drive completely dead. She knows I’m frustrated but I love her so much and a quick fuck would be no turn on to me at all when se isn’t enjoying it. Iv tried to get her to send sexy photos while she away and she changes subject straight away. I love her so much Im accepting this could be the way for a good while ahead but I know we will get it bk again when she is ready
Iv recently got myself a toy to use on myself which she doesn’t know about. A toy to try something that I wouldn’t ever do with her. Thought something that excites me on my own will keep me occupied until she is ready.
I didn’t read everyone responses just skimmed thru. My mental health anxiety/depression seriously sucked the life out of me. I got onto two meds and they checked my life. Our sex life is so much more fulfilling.
Our daughter is not home all the time, she’s at her boyfriend’s and its been exciting to not have her home and our son has fully moved out.
I realize you have a long way off with that but talk with her about the get away so its its not pressure. Also I would say talk with her about wanting sex toys for your own satisfaction and see if she wants to try some herself. Make your trip away a date time. I just bought my husband a Tenga cup to use on him and can’t wait to try it out. We went thru almost 2 years with only him gets unsatisfied bj. It was a difficult time. He even asked me if I no longer love him but it was my own crap. My therapist says its impressive I’ve gotten to this point.
. if yours is what, 18 months? One of you is definitely got to be with them lol
but it was my own crap. My therapist says its impressive I’ve gotten to this point.