I think I'm the side chick

Off-Topic Chat
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So I started being FWB with this guy around my age back in February. I didn’t know that’s what he wanted I met him off a dating app and when I asked him what he wanted to be he said he wanted a relationship in the future with me and then after we had sex a few times he back peddled and said no he just wanted to be fwb with hurt me because that’s not what I wanted so he used me basically.

Stupidly I’m still technically his fwb because I’m stupid and he made my mental health go down the toilet. He made me feel like I’m not good enough for anything other than him.

For the past like two weeks, he has still messaged me every day like once or twice a day and before this, it was always every few hours. Now suddenly, he’s going away for the weekend but he was hesitant to tell me at first. I wanted to see him this weekend and he said he couldn’t and I asked why and he kept dodging the question until I got it out of him. Weird right? Just tell me if you are going away if you don’t have anything to hide.

When I first started talking to him, he said he used to have a girlfriend like 2 hours away and she treated him so badly that he said he had to have therapy every week as a result of her. He said he goes every Tuesday after work. Now I have found his account where he streams weekly after work on a Tuesday with his friends. He could do therapy before he does the stream but this seems really suspicious that he is lying to me about things in his life. It is definitely him too because it’s his voice and his face.

He told me where he was going away for the weekend and his “ex girlfriend’s” town is not far away from that place. It’s only like 15 mins away. Am I going crazy or does this seem like he has been lying to me for these past few months about having a girlfriend and he is now visiting her this weekend? He was already treating me really badly before but if this is true he is honestly a really low human being.

He also has nudes of me with my tattoos visible and I’m worried if I stop talking to him, he might release those pictures and videos and people will know it’s me because of the tattoos. My face isn’t in them but my tattoos are. He said he wouldn’t ever share them but if he’s proven to be a liar, I don’t know if he will or won’t share them and I won’t know what to do if he does since we live in a small town everyone will know it’s me.

EDIT: Forgot to add he also told me he was seeing one of his “friends” there and that’s why he was going. Who travels for like 3 hours to see one of their friends if it’s not family or someone they are romantically involved with?

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@sharbur This all seems a bit suspicious to me personally and if its not the commitment that you are looking for then its time to be selfish and put yourself first!

No matter how hard it feels and seems at the moment you will get to the light at the other end of the tunnel and you will find the right person for you. Someone who will treat you right, give you the loving, loyalty and respect you deserve.

In the meantime the toys from Lovehoney are sure to satisfy your sexual needs and can be used in your new relationship when it happens.

Always remember you are better than what he deserves! As for the nude pictures then it is illegal for him to share them at all and can face jail term.

Chin up you will get through!!

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I am sorry to say but i think he is taking the hand out of you, i think that you need to distance yourself from the whole situation, your mental health is more important and you need to look out for yourself and believe that you deserve more and deserve better

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When your mental health is in a bad place you are willing to tolerate so much more aren’t you.

Its very difficult and when you are low, attention is nice, even if you know its bad for you.

Id say call it a day. This will never be a relationship, just fwb and in that situation you need to be tough, you cannot have any emotional feelings at all, its purely transactional, its sex thats it.

Ask him to delete the photos, you’ll not know if he will or not, but in future be more mindful about sending things, its done now, they are sent and you cant change that so just hope he does the right thing.

It doesnt matter if he is meeting his friend, ex, whatever, its not healthy how he is treating you and its causing you distress so its not worth your mental health.

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It sounds to me like’s a habitual liar, I know a boy like this and it never ends well (by the way, it’s never his fault, it’s always hers, which it kinda is for falling for a boy like him). He’ll tell you that he’s a nice guy but he’s really, really not - he’s just an insecure bully who lies and manipulates people to get what he wants in life. Do yourself a favour now and end it.

It sounds to me like he’s not really seeing a friend, he’s going back to his ex and he’s actually okay with whatever ill treatment she put him through. Of course he’ll tell you that she was horrible to him - if you believed he was the baddie, you’d probably end it with him! Right now, he can try and make it work with her and he’s got back-up sex too, whatever happens. The only reason he’s not worried about losing you is because you haven’t made yourself scarce.

That he’s also willing to lie to you and so freely is also a huge red flag - he doesn’t respect you, so why do you respect him? You clearly don’t believe a word he says. Why trust him with your body if you don’t trust him with his words?

If he shares the pictures and you find out about it, he is breaking the law and liable for prosecution. When you break up with him, you can demand that he delete all photos and warn him that he can go to prison if he shares them without your consent. He’ll probably say you’re crazy, and they usually do until the police arrive, then they cry and want their Mummy. This is why I don’t do nudes with casual partners: once you give them that control, the power is out of your hands.

If you feel like his sidepiece, know that you deserve better. Tell him plainly that you want to find love, you deserve (and you do!) to receive love and now you want to find it. He’ll probably beg, kick and scream, let him. Cut all contact and if he gets nasty, call the police. Don’t be afraid of him, please.

Lastly, please come off of dating apps. They’re horrendous for your self-esteem and you are worth so much more. I never used them and I never will use them, I refuse to let anyone define my worth by physical appearances alone. The time that you normally spend flirting with men and hoping to find love? Spend that time loving yourself instead. Believe me, love will find you when it wants to :slight_smile:

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@sharbur
Run away as this seems to be a toxic relationship and you deserve better

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@sharbur " He also has nudes of me with my tattoos visible and I’m worried if I stop talking to him, he might release those pictures and videos and people will know it’s me because of the tattoos." If he does this he will likely receive a custodial sentence assuming you are in England or Wales not sure about Scotland.

Ditch him now for your own wellbeing.

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Hey @sharbur,

Thanks for taking the time to write and be vulnerable. It mustn’t have been easy. Can I encourage you to read through the responses so far? There are some very wise words.

As someone who has been in some really hard relationships, I know it feels like a no win situation. It can feel like cutting the communication leads to isolation, whilst keeping it is better than nothing. Perhaps try not focusing on the relationship (it seems unusual advice). Think about what makes you valuable - what can you do to increase your self worth? The more than you see how worthy you are, (you really are!) and take time to build your own value. It will be incredible to see yourself, full of worth, next to some random douch that is worthless. We are all wondering why an incredible worthy person, such as you, would spend time with a worthless guy like him? If someone doesn’t see your worth, don’t lower your expectations… keep trusting that someone will come along and appreciate your value.

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This is how you feel after 2 months, please don’t let this continue, it will only get worse. I know sometimes any attention feels good, but if he doesn’t make you feel good about yourself and you’re questioning your own sanity, then its a clear sign that he isn’t right for you. You don’t want what hes offering you, but you’re accepting it, so he’s going to keep on like this.

Just block him, I wouldn’t even bother breaking it off bc there isn’t really anything to break up. Look after yourself, go for walks, go to flower gardens, do anything other than look for a man.

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Please, please, PLEASE don’t misinterpret my question here but do you struggle with dating? Not a judgmental thing in any stretch. Just reading your post it seems like you are trying to make a less than ideal relationship work when there are so many better choices out there. If you are calling your partner a liar you are better to move on even if solo for a little while if needed. It all works out in the end. Just sometimes it takes longer to sort out for that forever partner.

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@be3169 I feel like I struggle because I do have a mental illness that prevents me from socialising as good as other people do so I feel like a lot of people just look past me without a second look. I’ve tried all my life to make connections to no avail. Plus I’ve had other things happen in my life that makes me feel as if I don’t deserve love or happiness.

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Oh dear. Most of what you posted can be overcome. It’s your last sentence that I have most concern with. Everyone deserves love and happiness. Just a matter of finding the right person and fit. Don’t lower your standards to make something fit no matter how much you want it to work out. It will come given some time.

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He’s getting away with whatever you’ve allowed him to get away with. He might have been serious initially when talking about a relationship, but he’s decided that’s not with you.

Unless you want to be just his booty-call, run.
100 times, run!

P.S … I have driven 4-5 hours to see friends who I am NOT having sex with. Not so unusual

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@sharbur firstly well done for your honest account of whats happening, this community has helped me lots of times to get perspective!

Firstly he said that he wanted a relationship but then swapped to FWB. If thats not what you want then that’s enough reason to stop this right now.

He’s technically a single guy so can do as he pleases! As difficult as it is, I think you know what you have to do.

This isn’t good for your mental health, and cutting him off would be hard, but you deserve someone who adores you x

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These situations we get ourselves in suck so badly and it’s like we know within ourselves what the inevitable outcome will be yet we try to hold on thinking just maybe it might be different yet enough experiences tells it never is and you’ll come off hurt while he just moves on to the next person :confused:

I truly feel for you and hope you’re able to get out of this on your own terms and without any damage.

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It seems as though many people care on this forum and are kind enough to share helpful advice. It can be hard to help on an internet forum but I certainly hope you develop some positive strategies for self care and success. As helpful as we are, i’m sure there are much better resources and support out there that may be better equipped to give you a hand. Whether it is online services, over the phone support, in person counseling…. maybe something like lifeline or samaritans, or shout…
I hope you don’t feel like I’m judging you; I’m certainly not :slight_smile: I find it so helpful when I work with my counsellor. Especially just helping me to have more self confidence and self worth. Please keep us in the loop with how you are doing!

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Hi @sharbur,

I just wanted to check in and say Hi!

Nat