So, the last three sessions have been seemingly good for OH and better in general than is typically the norm for us. I happened to ask if she had climaxed and the answer was no. She doesn't masturbate and to tell you the truth the last one she had was when Clinton was in office. How important is it for ladies to climax?
I feel incredibly crappy to tell you the truth. A complete failure as a man, husband and lover. I'm sad for her, me and us as a whole. I'm a reasonably attractive guy (I think), at least average in size and stamina. I'm open to, and want, more foreplay and a sense of playfulness/adventure in general for the bedroom. I'm not intimidated by toys and would love to put oral skills I've only read about to use. Have I mentioned I love working with my hands?
I want her to experience and enjoy that pleasure and am more than willing to indulge whatever it is she needs to get there. I'm just tired of her laying there and me feeling like the only 'approved' activity is light kissing and me jackhammering to finish. I have a body that likes to be stimulated and touched as well.
Sorry for the rant. I'm just incredibly hurt, upset and frustrated.
Hi desertdweller,
I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I can see why you are feeling hurt and frustrated, but I hope that getting it out there has made you feel at least a little bit better.
Situations like this are pretty common and one of the first things to consider on the path to solving this is learning why she doesn't feel the need/urge to climax. I personally don't think it's essential to reach a climax during sex and lots of women can't orgasm through plain old PIV anyway, but it is enjoyable and something she might be frustrated about herself. Does she have body confidence issues? Does she have a low sex drive or medical condition that could explain her approach to sex? An upbringing where sex was viewed as dirty or wrong? If it's the latter, that would explain a whole lot.
NatandTom wrote:
Hi desertdweller,
I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I can see why you are feeling hurt and frustrated, but I hope that getting it out there has made you feel at least a little bit better.
Situations like this are pretty common and one of the first things to consider on the path to solving this is learning why she doesn't feel the need/urge to climax. I personally don't think it's essential to reach a climax during sex and lots of women can't orgasm through plain old PIV anyway, but it is enjoyable and something she might be frustrated about herself. Does she have body confidence issues? Does she have a low sex drive or medical condition that could explain her approach to sex? An upbringing where sex was viewed as dirty or wrong? If it's the latter, that would explain a whole lot.
And add to that, is it a case of "doing her duty" for the man in her life, although she doesn't enjoy it. Some women will go through the motions as its her husbands right, but if asked wouldn't bother at all.
I hope you can get through this, whatever the reason.
How sad for you. I feel for you I really do, and of course that is really sad for her too. Theres most definitely underlying issues there for her, confidence, a deeper emotional issue, who knows. The only way to get to the bottom of that is communication. It must be ugly to be pounding away at someone who is basically doing it just for you. That is really sad for both of you and I deeply hope you two can fix this which, im certain can be fixed.
To answer your question I think it is personal to every woman - it has been proven that some/most women are satisfied with just penetrative sex alone as it does feel very good. I have often had sex without an orgasm (just couldnt reach it for some reason) and still felt somewhat satisfied. But I am someone who has multiples, which is the opposite end of the spectrum we are talking about; as opposed to having zero orgasms, so having no orgasm during sex is a biggish deal for me. (hope that makes sense).
Maybe for a woman (perhaps such as your OH) who maybe struggles to reach orgasm? (dont know, but for example) she maybe isnt all too bothered about reaching orgasm herself? The longer you go without orgasms you learn not to miss them, which applies to me and may apply to your wife also. She's gone so long without an orgasm she just isnt that bothered about having one nowadays but as long as you're happy thats probably all she cares about. However that isnt really fair on either of you.
You really need to talk with her. Sex is a two way thing or you may as well be using a blow up doll. Sex is also about making love. Making love to me means a lot of hugging and kissing, all of the intimate and passionate things that gives us reason to live for. You must miss that terribly. Try to keep the chat light, keep the goal in focus and the main objective is that you feel the passion and intimacy has turned off a few junctions ago, and you want to get back on track as you miss making love with her and making her mind and body sing.
🐼
Communication is the key as others have said.
I enjoy sex whether I cum or not. However i do get terrible stomach pains if I have sex & dont cum. (PCOS i think is to blame)
I'm lucky after I talked about it O. H he goes the extra mile to finish me off too.
As I've posted before my O. H was in a previous relstionship where sex / cumming was dirty and only allowed if to reproduce.
I enjoy pleasuring him & over time, Communication & persistence he will now allow me to pleasure him.
Good luck x
Im not sure I understand the issues so please bear with me. If I'm right you are saying your partner doesn't let you explore her body and isn't overly interested in foreplay etc?
If I'm right than I'm sorry that you are going through this. It can br frustrating when you don't get to explore you're full potential in the bedroom. Ad others have said communication is key. You need to find a way to speak to her about your feeling and how you would like to do more together in the bedroom.
If you are just worried she isn't satisfied then it is just as likely she is satisfied. I love a good orgasm but I don't feel deprived if I don't cum. It's all about the connection and even with out an orgasm sex can be amazing.
I hope you get to the responses you are after and that things soon become electric for both of you.
Good luck
Hi Desertdweller, I'm not quite in the same situation as you, but my Wife has low sex drive and rarely used to masturbate, but that is slowly changing now. As others have said communication is the key and you need to speak openly with your OH. After we talked we eventually agreed to use Relate to look at our intimacy and sex life, we were able to reaffirm that we were still deeply in love with each other. There is a Relate book "Sex in loving relationships" which I've found very useful. I think you and your OH may also find it useful. It mainly focuses on childhood, relationship with parents, upbringing and other life experiences which can affect your relationship, it then looks at how that may have impacted sex and intimacy. There are some intimacy and sex exercises too, but don't neglect the early chapters to get behind any underlying issues. It's quite a journey to embark on, but if you both wish things to change then it will be worth it.
Good luck.
Browncoats
wrote:
Im not sure I understand the issues so please bear with me. If I'm right you are saying your partner doesn't let you explore her body and isn't overly interested in foreplay etc?
If I'm right than I'm sorry that you are going through this. It can br frustrating when you don't get to explore you're full potential in the bedroom. Ad others have said communication is key. You need to find a way to speak to her about your feeling and how you would like to do more together in the bedroom.
If you are just worried she isn't satisfied then it is just as likely she is satisfied. I love a good orgasm but I don't feel deprived if I don't cum. It's all about the connection and even with out an orgasm sex can be amazing.
I hope you get to the responses you are after and that things soon become electric for both of you.
Good luck
First, thank you all for taking the time to reply. Browncoats, through my muddled post of hurt late last night you and others have picked up on a few key things. We absolutely have a communication problem. My frustration is several fold, I am not having my needs meet sexually and who knows if I'm meeting hers. I may be, but as a male, I can't fathom not having had an orgasm since college. From what you all are saying its not important to you to climax every time, i get that. This has been probably since 2002, I'm talking 0. The fact she isn't into it enough to orgasm or to seemingly want to have one makes me feel as though there's something wrong with me. It makes me feel undesirable and unwanted. Combine that with her predominant action of being very passive in bed and you should get a sense of where my head is at.
Honestly, I think we need counseling. I don't feel like I can talk to her without emotions from one or both of us halting the conversation. The issue there is, where do we find the time? We both work and have two very energetic young boys.
I'm grateful for everyone's support and would like to hear success stories if you're open to share. It's nice to feel like someone other than just me cares about my/our sexual health.
DD, check out the relate book, it only took me around 3 hrs to read in total.
If you want success story, then I can say my Wife now masturbates. I didn't start well, but the forum got me on track. She uses a bullet vibe, less intimidating, and we placed it in the on suite shower when she has a little time to herself away from me and our teenage daughters. We discussed it openly as I wanted her to understand that her pleasure is important to me and that its okay for her do this for herself. Of course we discussed that the other reason is that she learns more about herself and can then bring that understanding to when we make love. She now routinely masturbates around 2 to 3 times a week. She did tell me that the first few times were difficult as she found it hard to relax and put other thoughts out of her head, but stayed committed to trying and it has worked out. She is a little shy still to tell me when she has masturbated, but that's okay, TBH I can see that the bullet vibe moves position so indirectly I know. Actually I find that quite arousing thinking about her in the shower masturbating and have let her know. She even once texted me to say she was going for a very relaxing shower, her euphemism for masturbating, so I think you can see we have made progress. Anyway good luck and do check out the relate book.
Sorry just re-read your last post. The Relate book explores the impact children can have on your sexual intimacy, it definitely impacted us and then the lack of communication and sexual intimacy became the norm for way too long. The book also discusses how subconsciously we can start to behalf in ways we thought our parents did once we become parents too eg no sex, no masturbation etc.... For both of us our parents divorced and for my Wife her parents divorce was very traumatic which has left her with trust issues, hence why she finds it hard to be really sexually intimate with me eg one thing might lead to another that she doesn't want to do. I've probably bored you by now and TBH I've revealed a lot of personal stuff, but I do hope it will help you.
More Sexy at 50
wrote:
Sorry just re-read your last post. The Relate book explores the impact children can have on your sexual intimacy, it definitely impacted us and then the lack of communication and sexual intimacy became the norm for way too long. The book also discusses how subconsciously we can start to behalf in ways we thought our parents did once we become parents too eg no sex, no masturbation etc.... For both of us our parents divorced and for my Wife her parents divorce was very traumatic which has left her with trust issues, hence why she finds it hard to be really sexually intimate with me eg one thing might lead to another that she doesn't want to do. I've probably bored you by now and TBH I've revealed a lot of personal stuff, but I do hope it will help you.
I will check out this book. AzEng is my normal account and i had to have it reset. I was just so upset last night I had to post under an old unused account (Desertdweller). Thank you for the advice and encouragement!
More Sexy at 50
wrote:
Sorry just re-read your last post. The Relate book explores the impact children can have on your sexual intimacy, it definitely impacted us and then the lack of communication and sexual intimacy became the norm for way too long. The book also discusses how subconsciously we can start to behalf in ways we thought our parents did once we become parents too eg no sex, no masturbation etc.... For both of us our parents divorced and for my Wife her parents divorce was very traumatic which has left her with trust issues, hence why she finds it hard to be really sexually intimate with me eg one thing might lead to another that she doesn't want to do. I've probably bored you by now and TBH I've revealed a lot of personal stuff, but I do hope it will help you.
Do you have an author handy? Did a quick Amazon search and didn't see it.
After reading your posts i really feel for you and your situation. Im not sure i can add any more useful advice that the other members havent already, but i just wanted to say that i understand how hard it can be to maintan a happy, healthy sex life with young children and busy lives. I can see you have both your best interests at heart x
Look on the Relate website. The author is Sarah Litvinoff.