Hi guys a bit of discussion needed.
Recently my wife has struggled to climax, through any type of stimulation. This hasn't been an issue before but I have had previous moments of poor performance, ED and quick fire. I knew these were stresses I had and once I cleared my head things came back to normal.
Now my wife still wants the intimacy and hasn't shut me out but she shows no desire to climax especially once she remembers she's been struggling. She let's me know I don't have to try and is happy to help me get there. She says it isn't anything I've done but.... I can't help feeling awful.
It may be something I've done or aren't doing, we'll work on that if it is but it is putting me off sex too. I hate the feeling of using her for my climax unless it's a part of the fun, this isn't fun.
I have never been angry or made her feel bad, I just hold her and let her know that there's no pressure on her and there isn't. But I'm feeling so guilty and bad about what feels like using her when she has something going on.
Has anyone any similar experiences?
In all honesty, women's orgasms are as much physical as they are mental. If theres alot going on with me, I can't get there, no matter what I use.
Is there anything else going on? Everyday life ok?
I'm sure our problems conceiving are part of the cause of the orgasm issue but I am selfishly looking for any help or opinions on my guilt. She still craves the intimacy but I am struggling to let myself know that it's ok as I feel like I'm using her in a way that isn't a sex game.
Well she needs to relax .A woman will not climax unless she is in a relaxed state .You could try other forms of stimulation such as using your fingers. Both clit and G Spot climaxes can be done this way .Another way would be to introduce toys such as a rabit. I am toying (sorry about the pun) of using a rabbit on the Mrs as sometimes my hand feels like dropping off!
You say you're trying to conceive. Has she just recently come off of birth control? That can do it. Either that, or possibly a hormone imbalance? If things don't improve after a couple of weeks, and there's no obvious stressers from life, I'd get checked out by a doctor.
McGlovin wrote:
She still craves the intimacy but I am struggling to let myself know that it's ok as I feel like I'm using her in a way that isn't a sex game.
You aren't using her though. She wants the intamacy, you're giving her the intimacy. Sex is not always about orgasms, nor do orgasms need to happen for both partners to have gotten what they wanted out of the sex.
If you're TTC atm then you're spot on that that could be a big part of the problem. She could see sex as a job to be done. She will be stressed if you aren't managing to concieve and stress=less chance of orgasm. Hell, there's even a vast number of people who claim women should not orgasm when TTC, especially if they want one gender over the other. She could have read that and it could be subconciously working on her. All in all yes, there's loads of reasons why she isn't able to climax that could stem back to your struggle to concieve. But when she asks you for sex because she is craving intamacy of that sort and you give it to her, you are giving her what she wants; you don't have to give her the orgasm too.
If she doesn't want to or isn't able to orgasm right now, there's no point trying to force her to through physical stimulation. You don't want her to feel pressured or that she has to orgasm or else she is ruining sex for you. It's worth gently having a talk and letting her know you feel guilty, that you'd like to hear it from her that right now it's ok for you to have sex with her and that she isn't feeling used or unsatisfied.
It would also be worth having a talk (if you haven't already) about the effect your struggle to concieve is having on both of you emotionally, and does she feel that is part of her problem orgasming right now or is it something else. If there's an obvious mental/emotional cause, focus on making that better. If she feels there is no emotional cause, look to physical causes such as a change in medication, diet etc. I'm sure she has an idea of why this is happening, maybe if you talked about it together it would help ease your guilt and know that it is not your fault?
I go through periods when orgasms are hard to come by and the best thing I can do is just not try. Putting pressure on myself to orgasm takes the fun out of sex. Sex is about more than orgasm so I can still enjoy it even if I can't come. My partner can sometimes feel like he has to try but I know that sometimes no matter what he does, it just isn't going to happen and I'd rather he didn't try because it puts pressure on me and makes me feel defective.
There are so many reasons for anorgasmia, ranging from hormonal imbalances (sex hormones and thyroid hormones) to stress. If it becomes a long standing issue then it's worth seeing a GP to rule out physical causes and perhaps get some support for emotional issues, but if it is a fairly recent thing, I'd just wait it out with no pressure and see if it passes.
You sound like a really caring and supportive husband so I'm sure your wife doesn't feel used if you orgasm and she can't but maybe just make it clear you are happy not to have sex if she isn't in the mood. By the sounds of it she still does, even if she can't orgasm.