....I’m having a really crap day. I really thought that after everything in the last 12 months today would of been a little bit special. H wanted to treat me last night to spoiling me and trying to get me to orgasm. I’ve not been able to for a good few weeks now and the frustration and tension I’m feeling is horrendous. I don’t necessarily think that it’s because I’ve not cum it’s s mix of stuff really but either way he wanted to try.
He asked if he could go down on my so I said I’d like that if he wanted to (not quite as formal but I get my drift). He kind of positioned him self into 69 position and I then felt I had to use my hands on him. He kept hovering above my clit not really sure what he was doing not something he’s ever done before. (He loves giving oral more than I enjoy receiving it really) but he was kinda thrusting towards me so I carried on stroking him. Before long he came all over me which was fine I didn’t mind. But then he just kinda asked do you want me to carry on? I said no it’s fine that I wasn’t really feeling it etc and we could just cuddle if he liked.
This morning I got a lie in, before the kids and he woke me with breakfast in bed and presents. I’m not one for presents really much prefer giving than receiving but I’d got something I’d been wanting almost a year a couple of months ago and knowing money would be tight I said I’d not use it till my birthday. And that could be the main gift so to speak. He took it literally he didn’t get me anything from the children he made me a cute gift that means a lot - more than him buying stuff but again he raided my craft supplies to do that. I just fell like he’s not really gone to any effort to get me something. I know that sounds pathetic but he didn’t even take the kids to get me some chocolate or small bunch of flowers.
He asked what I wanted to do for dinner, did I want to go out etc. I suggested tomorrow and tonight we could have a nice dinner st home (he’s a good cook) and curl up and watch a movie. At 6.15 our youngest said he was hungry and how long would dinner be. He replied. I need to go to the shops and get it yet. It’s just put me in a real downer. I’ve not had any dinner again (last year well least said about that) because I told him to just sort the kids some dinner out. He then said at 8 ok what would you like.
I feel like the whole day has been shit kids went to a Christmas party and other than that it’s just been an atmosphere. I’ve now just come to bed with the most terrible headache (tension) and just feel so fed up and lonely, (And stubborn).
no real point to this guys just venting I guess
Fun&Funky, I’m really sorry to hear you had a crappy birthday, very best wishes 😒
Sorry to hear that fun and funky maybe speak to him tell him how your feeling x happy birthday
F&F firstly happy belated birthday, secondly I'm sorry it was a bit rubbish and thirdly you sound so much like me. I use to get disappointed - feel unappreciated and then feel like I was being a drama queen regularly. I've been thinking for the last hour how to reply as IF you are like me you are still stewing all those emotions this morning. I used to be in these kinds of situations fairly often and then realised I was setting myself up for it. Saying I didn't need an Easter egg for example (I was on a diet) then feeling totally unloved when I was the only person in my house without. I think we are often conditioned to be selfless (as wives and mums) and say things we don't really mean, confusing the hell out of Husbands in the process. Maybe you need to be a bit more clear what you want? Both you and I know that you saying it was fine to just stop and just cuddle wasn't what you wanted at all, he didn't read that. I have learnt over the years and particularly now I am less stressed with life in general that I have to be much more direct and tell my Husband what it is I want . Sorry for the early morning rambling. Upshot is I'm sure your Husband loves you very much and none of it was deliberate. We would both love a man who "just knows" and makes you feel special but maybe that's just not how some people are built, not a reflection on his feelings for you. When you calm down have a chat about your needs. Hope today is better x
Alicia..I wish I had your way with words. What you said sums it all up. I actually had the "chat" cuddled up in bed one night. I said "I know I'm silly BUT" and said it all, no blame just truth. He is much better these days, Im more direct for sure. For Christmas he will plan a shopping day and take me to shops I like and have me choose. Safe that way, Not exciting but I don't end up disappointed. Sex however is another story. He seems to always know what I want before I do. Twice last night and again today after breakfast - lol
I don't understand people who don't say what they mean, that use euphamism or suggestion, and then get disappointed when the other party doesn't pick up what they were hinting at and when they do what you said you wanted (or even worse, fail to do something someone hadn't hinted at but wanted anyway). I don't know about you, but I'd much rather someone did what I asked than someone did something other than what I asked - I consider the last to be disrespectful..
The world is much easier to navigate if we say accurately what we want or mean. There is much less personal hurt, there are many fewer unwanted surprises. I don't consider this to be a men/women thing. If I'm honest, I struggle getting hints sometimes, so I find communicating in clear language to be very helpful too. I wish more people would do it.
So F&F, I'm sorry about the presents thing, but if I were you, I'd be looking to communicate what I want more clearly so that he can do his best. He sounds like he tried to do what you said you wanted, and that sounds good to me.
As for the orgasm thing, I think hun that you are putting too much pressure on yourself, particularly trying to perform for a particular event or date. If you were tense anyway, it wasn't going to work. I would suggest some serious relaxation and try it in a less planned or contrived way - being spontaneous can often help to make a break through.
Good luck xx
I agree KM. Life is much easier with clear communication, we all get caught up in unhealthy cycles at times. Sometimes it takes someone pointing out the obvious to find new healthier ways to do things. I don't see it as a man/ woman thing either. A ex of mine was amazing at picking up on my feelings and "hints" (subconsciously part of why I continued to do it maybe?). But we were very mismatched in other ways. I'd rather what I have now 100%
oh no I'm sorry you didn't have a good birthday. I can totally relate to how you are feeling because my birthday was the same this year! He needed up spending the whole day working and I was left to do the house work, dinner and everything else like usual
I would try and have a word with him. Or maybe show him this thread so he can read how you are feeling..I'm sure he didn't mean to do it internally. I hope you have had a bit of a better day today
big hugs! X
Than you for the replies, we’ve been really busy today and literally just had chance to look st my phone. A few things really were currently in couples counselling and Our therapist is working each week for me to ask for what I want or need. Sometimes even if she asks what time we want our time for (if it has to change for some reason we normally have the same day / time) I struggle and just usually would say which ever is best for her (Counsellor), she never takes that and has even got to me having to nod at the time I’d prefer. I know my H struggles with this as he wants to just ‘rescue’ me from it but she won’t let him. She now always tries to get me to make a descision about something each week as it’s something I really struggle with due to past experiences. I am getting better and I had asked for x y z in how we spent the day and that just didn’t happen. Family were busy yesterday so we’d decided to have a meal tonight. He wanted to organize it. Then I got messages asking what time we were meeting and could they have the address Re the orgasm to be honest that night I didn’t want to cuddle but yeah I was fine with stopping it. I wasn’t feeling it at all I think it’s just because of the extra stress. He generally is a good guy, I’m struggling a lot at the moment with him though and I just feel like maybe everything is impacted. I don’t even know if I’ve answered everything properly.
Hello F&F, thanks for the additional info, that does put a context on it somewhat.
I think it is a shame if you did ask for things to be done and he didn't do them, given the counselling. I think you should discuss the situation with your counsellor actually. It is important that he realises how you felt.
It sounds like he is trying, but sometimes trying isn't enough. He needs to make sure that if you do actually ask for something, he either (a) does it or (b) discusses why he can't do it. Bumbling along into not doing it isn't really acceptable when you are seeing a counsellor about a topic.
Quick (and slightly off topic) question? Do you struggle with decision like "do you want sausages or beef?" in the same way as you struggle with decisions like "what do you want for dinner?" (the first is a closed question, the second an open question)
Take care F&F xx
Open questions definitely struggle with, closed I’d say 50/50. For example the the one where it became a huge issue in counseling was a closed question as she gave us 2 available times. She asked if I could tell her as always just say to Mr F&F you decide. I just went to pieces she asked me to show me with my fingers. / then we got to nodding when she said the preffered time. For me I don’t know her schedule so one time may of meant she didn’t get lunch etc. H said I have to trust her and know that she knows her own schedule and she offered the times so they must of been ok. The sausage/ Beef would have me saying something like well which do you prefer. Thanks for taking time to advise me xxx
So if you are standing in a supermarket in front of the sandwich fridge, which is completely full, and you have to buy a sandwich for only for you, can you make a decision?
Sorry I missed this reply KM. More often than not yeah I’d be ok with choosing a sandwich as I’m pretty boring as I don’t generally do sandwiches much. It’s normally always the same choice. (Unless xmas and then it’s usually the turkey and trimmings one lol). If they don’t have my normal more often than not I don’t bother. - I realise I sound a bit of a fruit loop. I think it’s the thought of having to make a choice for others or that effect others that I find super difficult.
Yes, that is what I was trying to find out, that is the effect on others, rather than the decision itself.
Even worse, do you find yourself second guessing what others might want (and getting to wrong quite a lot)?
My view is that it is up to other people to self advocate. For example, in your "what time do you want your next appointment" example, an answer of "lunchtime ish. Would 1pm be suitable?" is a perfectly acceptable answer. It then gives her a choice to decline or make a counter proposal. You aren't risking anything in making that answer.
Another example is in the pub. If I ask somebody what they want to drink and they say "a pint of bitter", that means they actually don't care what bitter they have, so they will get whatever the pub has. If the answer comes back "a pint of Broadside", they obviously do care, so if Broadsiide isn't available, I'll go back and offer alternatives. Do you see what I'm getting at?
It is not wrong to express what you want or need. You may not always get it, as obviously compromise and negotiation are important, but nevertheless, you do need to express it.
I have to say I do like your counsellor's approach though. Good luck! xx