Lava Twilight needs help

Sex Tips & Talk
1

Hi guys, I know I haven't posted on here for a while, but it's because things at home have all gone wrong. Now I know this is a forum to talk about sex, but as I kinda know a few of you guys on here, I guess I'm just reaching out.

Mr Twilight has decided after 2 years of being together that he wants to move out, 'but still be together'. My heart is breaking. He is my world, and I thrive on waking up in the mornings to him, rushing home from work to see him & snuggling up to sleep at night. This will mean we will drift apart because I can't afford to rent up here & would have to move away. He feels like he is growing up too fast (he's 23) & just wants to live with his dad & sort his life out. I'm 28 & can't stroll back to my parents, as I've done that enough times that my boyfriends/ex-husbands did the dirty on me.

I feel like my world has fallen apart. I can't stop the tears & I feel like I'm loosing the biggest part of me. Maybe I am being selfish and holding him back, but a week ago I'd never have seen this coming. Maybe I just need to read your answers, even if it isn't what I WANT to read, but I just need some help :(

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Thanks Ruth, I just feel very alone. I've been signed off sick for the next week cos I've caught Swine Flu, and being here in doing me in, too many memories - you know. I can't tell anyone who actually knows me, can't bare the sympathy and questions. I just wanna go back a week and make everything ok again :(

3

Gosh that's so sad. I am really sorry Lava. I'm rubbish at advice but I'm not sure how I"d feel about my man moving out but still seeing each other. I'd want to cos I love him but I think that would tear me up more than a clean break. See told you I"m rubbish so I'll just be here thinking of you. I know you'll get lots of hugs and support from all the lovely people on here.

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Thankyou HP, even just a reply is enough to help me. Part of me is thinking that maybe if I just move away now, and end it that it won't hurt as much. But it also feels like he isn't giving the relationship a chance and just giving up on me and us. We've been through so much together, (loosing a baby in Feb, she would have been due in a few weeks). He says he wants to come and go as he pleases and not have to answer to me - so when he does move out, then it won't be a relationship in my eyes. He'll be living here for the next few months till he can get things sorted at his Dads, so in the meantime, I'm afraid to put a foot wrong. I don't know where I stand, & all I want to do is hold him so tight and know things will be better. But I'm afraid of pushing him away by being an emotional wreck around him, and being too clingy. I'm finding all of this very hard, because if he really did love me & want to be with me, wouldn't he just stay and try to work things out? :(

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LoveHoney - Ruth wrote:

Living apart doesn't have to mean drifting apart and although he is 'your world', it's good to enjoy the other things that make up your world, such as friends, family, work and social life.

x

Thankyou Ruth, I know it does work, but it all comes down to trust. And I know, without trust a relationship has nothing to stand on. I would spend all my time wondering where he is, who he is with you know... I think it would make it easier if we did go our seperate ways, then it is for good. I say trust, because this week, he has spent a lot of time talking to a 'friend' who he met through work. I don't know anything about her, but know that he can't sit down with me - so why is he involving another woman? If she lends him the sympathy and offers the excitement he needs, then he will be off for sure. If he comes home to me down-in-the-dumps every night - what is he going to choose.

I'm trying to be strong, really I am. But being alone all day is making my mind wander & the more I think about the past week, the more I want to be strong enough to break free. But I can't help how much I love him :(

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I'm so sorry to hear of your situation, Lava_Twilight_x, that really sucks. :/

One thing I'm thinking is, that I think you're entirely right to feel shocked and confused, because he sprung this on you out of nowhere. I think it's really unfair that he had all this going on and never mentioned it to you, never discussed it with you, and just presented it to you as a fait accompli. I think that's vile and awful.

On the other hand he's young, and these communication skills can take some time to learn. I know that doesn't make it any easier, and I know you're still entitled to be kept in the loop even if it was nobody's fault that you weren't.

My first instinct is to go with what Ruth said and suggest that you use this time to focus on yourself. Build up a life for yourself which is independent of any single individual, and you may find that building your own life can give you confidence and satisfaction which you didn't know you could have.

Last night I was out with a friend who had broken up with her partner at his request, and she was miserable about it. But the second she started having her own life and her own friends and activities, he was after her like a shot apologising and begging her to come back. Personally I think that's really vile of him, and playing stupid games and stuff, but I also think that he's probably not consciously aware that he chases after the chase, if you see what I mean. Anyhow, they're back together now but not anything like how they were, she has her own life and her own friends and she seems much happier.

So if you focus on building your own life up with your own friends and your own interests, you may find that you have much more satisfaction which is spread out and less reliant on one individual, and therefore which is much more rewarding and consistently available to you. And he may possibly come back to you when he sees that you have so much more in your life than just him, you never know.

Plus there's that whole thing about if you love something, let it go, if it comes back it was always yours, if it doesn't, it never was.

You always will belong to yourself, so I think that's a good place to start. Meanwhile, I feel for you, and I wish you every happiness and success with whatever path you choose. And big hugs from me.

*HUGS*

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aww lave twilight im so sorry to hear your news *BIG HUGS*

im really not sure what to say to be honest, but when i read the sad new about how you lost you baby in feb and that she would have been born in the next few weeks it made me wonder if this is something that he is having trouble with and maybe thats why its come out of no where. i have a friend who lost a baby and 2 years on her and the baby's dad are only starting to talk about it now and its amazing (that probably not the right word) the stuff there talking about and how it made them feel and act.

i know ive probably been no help what so ever and i hope i havent upset you at all.

on the having to live in your own, there is alot of places around here (we live quite close i think, from other convos in the past) now that are quite cheap to rent so you might not have to move out of the area and go home to your mum and dad.

again big hugs

Dxx

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Thank you so much to both of you. I guess this is it. He does still love me, and doesn't want to hurt me, & living apart means he gets to do all the things that will make him happy. For a while. He has just text me to say he is going out after work tonight, joking that he is getting it all out of his system - and maybe he'll get bored of going out all the time & will want to be with me like before. But emotionally, I don't know if I can wait and see if that does happen.

I know, longterm, this will be for the best, but for the short-term, I can't face telling my parents and friends that I've failed at another relationship, amicable split or not. I can't yet face waking up alone in the mornings yet, what to do about the cat, all our stuff, the memories. Us splitting probably is for the best. We DO want different things. I DO want to settle down, have kids. He wants to explore life. I know this. And this hurts, because, stupidly, I did think we would be together for a long time. Trouble is, since being together, I have totally become dependant on him. I don't have a social life, my friends have drifted away, apart from the odd Facebook message every few months. I know, by being free and single I can make my life what I want it to be. But at the moment, it hurts like hell. And knowing that I've got to stay here till I can get my finances in order to get another place, and he will be here too, sleeping in the same bed as me, makes me want to fight as hard as I can to try to save what little we have left.

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diamonds wrote:

on the having to live in your own, there is alot of places around here (we live quite close i think, from other convos in the past) now that are quite cheap to rent so you might not have to move out of the area and go home to your mum and dad.

Hi darling x I'm looking at 1-bed flats at the moment, around your way as it is close-ish to work. But, part of me wants to get away to a new place (Rochester) where I know I won't be bumping in to him or doing the 'drive-by-his-house' nonsense that I know I will end up doing! At least there, I can start fresh xxx

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AW hun (((hugs))) I am sorry to hear you are having a rough time.

Ruth is right, building u your own life is the most important thing at this stage I think.

I can kind of understand the situation from the other side. I was with my ex for nearly 9 years and we had two children. When I was the age of your partner I had doubts, but I buried them. TBH it was the worst thing I could have done as it was inevitable when it came back to bite us later on. We did separate in the end and it was so hard for all involved. I guess I wish I had trusted my instincts earlier - I wish I had talked about my feelings and done *something* about them

I know it might not be what you want to hear honey, I do, but maybe this is for the best. If either one of you is having difficulty or doubts it is better out in the open now than festering until a later time. In that respect I think he has done right by speaking up now. But I know it is not an easy thing to go through.

I often think that if I had spoken up back then we might have foudn the reson I felt 'wrong' about our relationship and we may have been able to fix it. If not, I would not have caused even further hurt to everyone involved.

Use this time to 'take stock' and fill your life with lots of wonderful things. then whatever happens, whetehr you continue together or go your own ways, you'll both have somehting far more solid to build on.

We're all here if you want to rant, I'm sure you know that xx

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Could it help if you showed him your posts? Emailed them or something. Some people don't like confronting an issue in person because its uncomfortable, it might be easier for him to understand your feelings if he doesn't feel pressured.

Maybe not your post but It still might be easier in text than speak.

Good luck

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Maybe I will do that WandA, if not leave this thread open for him to read. I just don't know. He's just text again (I didn't reply to the first one), to say he is going to go out now, can't be bothered, just wants to come home and chill with me. Maybe he does want this to work, maybe he does want me to just release that 'leash' a little, maybe I do need to get some friends and a social life of my own & not always be moaning when he goes out - cos I'm stuck indoors. All of these maybes. Maybe, I will just stick around and see how it goes. And if, say after a month, we are still tip-toeing around each other, and things haven't improved, we can sit, discuss, shake hands & go off on our own ways in life. Jesus, why is this so hard? Why can't I just say, you know what, you want freedom, well then bye, I'm off to find someone that does want to marry me & give me kids, but I can't. Because the thought of being without him really is breaking me in two. All of these thoughts are going round in my head, one minute I'm determined, looking for houses, sorting my stuff out in the spare room, the next, I come across something or something reminds me of him & makes me laugh & remember. I guess if we didn't live together, this would make the whole thing easier. Turning back time, I would never have moved in so quickly together (after a month) - there's the mistake. Moving in, settling down, not getting to actually KNOW each other first by going out, spending time together. Won't be making that mistake again, that's for sure!

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LoveHoney - Ruth wrote:

How about a house share, even just for 6 months? It's a great way to meet new people and also cheaper than going it alone.

I never thought of that, that's actually a good idea to keep in mind, thanks Ruth xxx

And I apologise for the lack of spacing in my posts, I guess its just all tumbling out...x

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When we're upset its also very easy to forget our mistakes and the part we played in a situation, Its hard but ask yourself why he feels like he does and if you have done anything you can improve on. A blame game won't work.

Hope you communicate well and resolve your issues.

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WandA wrote:

When we're upset its also very easy to forget our mistakes and the part we played in a situation, Its hard but ask yourself why he feels like he does and if you have done anything you can improve on. A blame game won't work.

Hope you communicate well and resolve your issues.

I think you are very right. And as hard as it is for me to admit it, the reason he wants space is probably because I have made it claustrophobic for him. If I learn to relax a little & show that I can trust him, then things could work out. The trust has been compromised already, but by understanding why he went elsewhere for advice could stop him going elsewhere for anything else....

He does have friends that he hangs with occasionally that I disaprove on. I know it is terrible for me to hate the people he hangs around with - which causes rows as he says I even try to control who his friends are. He's known them a lot longer than me ect.... however these friends are always suggesting he goes clubbing 'cos they'll be fit girls there'. Therefore my paranoia starts that he's going to meet someone else, and see that there are better things out there. In my mind, him being home with me, means I know where he is and everything will be alright. Living apart with totally destroy this 'hold' I have. Selfish I know, but protecting a relationship on my part. It is me & I try hard to change that....

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I forgot to say earlier, one time when I got dumped suddenly by this guy whom I was totally in love with, I booked a last minute week by myself in Lanzarote, and that time alone recovering was totally what I needed to get back into my life again.

Just a thought to consider.

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Lava_Twilight_x wrote:

I can't face telling my parents and friends that I've failed at another relationship

Most relationships end, just like plays and movies and telephone calls. Most of them are supposed to end. When a telephone call ends, do you call that a failure? Yes, it's the same thing. Some go on longer than others. Some go on until somebody dies or leaves, or hangs up, or the phone lines go down. Is that anybody's failure? Please, give me a break, in my opinion the only one who is failing here is the idiot who is accusing you of failing at a relationship just because it ends.

You did your best with the information you had at the time, and you cannot be held responsible for decisions other people take. Every relationship is an experience and every experience is beneficial and teaches us something, even if those experiences are sometimes unpleasant.

If anybody tells you that your relationship is a failure just because it ended, send them round to me and I'll give them a piece of my mind for accusing you unfairly and blaming you unreasonably. In my opinion blaming you for your relationship ending is like blaming you for my piles. Sure I have piles, sure your relationships evolve and change and conclude, and how is that a failure? If you stayed in a relationship which was bad for you, and stayed there regardless of what it was doing to you, is that a success? I really don't like this "failure-success" business as applied to relationships, that's really besides the point, in my opinion.

You go! Yay you! Go you! Get out there and kick some social activity ass! So there! Ok, done now! :p

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Hiya Lava (sorry we weren't able to meet under better circumstances)

Sorry I'm unable to put a thorough reply to your post. However I did want to say a couple of things. They will be brief so if I've not explained myself too clearly please just let me know.

Everyone has given some good advice, and I suspect the biggest therapy for you is being able to just let all your feelings ramble out somewhere other than just in your head. It sounds like he doesn't know what he wants, and as such is probably going to give you some pretty confusing signals. One minute wanting to go, and the next wanting to stay. Ultimately you know what you want, he doesn't. To that end, he has to be the one making the decisions. Don't let him turn to you for sympathy until he feels better or feels less guilty. Make sure he knows you'll be there for him but you can't be his emotional support when you are struggling to keep going yourself. Be very clear to him the boundaries. There's no sex, there's no pleading to be told what to do. He doesn't have to tell you what he is doing every two minutes, but more importantly you don't have to tell him.

Maybe he'll realise that when you aren't so readily available, he'll realise what he's giving up. The fact he sent you a second text after you hadn't replied to the first would indicate this. Just be firm with him. But its important that he's making the decision for himself otherwise it will keep rearing its ugly head.

Either way, good luck hun. Even though I haven't been on this forum that long, I'm sure you'll get plenty of support!!!

Big hugs x

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Lubyanka wrote:

Lava_Twilight_x wrote:

I can't face telling my parents and friends that I've failed at another relationship

Most relationships end, just like plays and movies and telephone calls. Most of them are supposed to end. When a telephone call ends, do you call that a failure? Yes, it's the same thing. Some go on longer than others. Some go on until somebody dies or leaves, or hangs up, or the phone lines go down. Is that anybody's failure? Please, give me a break, in my opinion the only one who is failing here is the idiot who is accusing you of failing at a relationship just because it ends.

You did your best with the information you had at the time, and you cannot be held responsible for decisions other people take. Every relationship is an experience and every experience is beneficial and teaches us something, even if those experiences are sometimes unpleasant.

If anybody tells you that your relationship is a failure just because it ended, send them round to me and I'll give them a piece of my mind for accusing you unfairly and blaming you unreasonably. In my opinion blaming you for your relationship ending is like blaming you for my piles. Sure I have piles, sure your relationships evolve and change and conclude, and how is that a failure? If you stayed in a relationship which was bad for you, and stayed there regardless of what it was doing to you, is that a success? I really don't like this "failure-success" business as applied to relationships, that's really besides the point, in my opinion.

You go! Yay you! Go you! Get out there and kick some social activity ass! So there! Ok, done now! :p

Agree wholeheartedly. Keep busy, start living for you and if you happen to get caught up and forget about everything for a minute or two...well that's just a shame External Media.

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i don't really know what to say Lava.... so I'll just send *hugs*