Lesbian couple.. no sex… send help :(

Sex Tips & Talk
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Sooooo… I have been in a new city for almost a year now, (moved in with my partner who lived an hour away from my home town). We’ve almost been together 2 years and whilst I love her a lot, our sex life isn’t in a great space and hasn’t been for some time. We are both female, and Identify as Lesbian. For her, she has expressed she needs a “build up” before getting to sex, so dates, physical touch etc and for me I’m very much ready to go whenever.

The fact we are not having sex is starting to make me feel doubtful that we will ever get things back to a decent place with our sex life. I’ve read horror stories of people saying it’s been years of no sex and I honestly can’t think of anything worse.

What scares me is I really can’t even remember the last time we had sex or physically connected, but it’s roughly been around 3 months.

I feel so disconnected from her because of this and this is making me feel doubt the relationship and its future. I know for some people sex isn’t everything but for me it is, and I made it very clear from early on I need it to feel connected to my person. It was something she said she understood at the beginning but now I don’t think she does so much.

I’ve mentioned it different ways, how we can spice things up, brought toys and I’ve planned date nights (something she has requested) tried all the physical touch - but to no avail.

At this point I don’t know what to do, recently she mentioned marriage. And if I’m being honest I cant think about future and commitment if I’m not happy with where things are with our sex life.

Any advice, or suggestions would be greatly appreciate. If you made it to the end then thank you! I know it’s a lengthy one.
:cry:

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Well, you probably ought to just be honest with her… tell her that your sexual needs aren’t being met, and you can’t think about marriage until that starts happening. When you do have sex, what gets her off? Does she orgasm? Does she have something in the past that is a mental block to enjoying sex? Have you considered seeing a therapist (in general) or a sex therapist?

When my GF and I first got together, I made her wait quite a while. She was my first sex partner, and I had to come out of my shell quite a bit for the relationship to succeed. But at least I was willing to try, and I found out I liked it…a lot. Our sex life has been what kept us together when we really disagreed…I can’t imagine a healthy, lasting relationship without it.

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This sounds like a conversation you need to try have with her and be open about how you feel and tried to make efforts but not getting anything back from her side.
Relationships work best when both contribute to it and when that balance is off it can then feel like a strain to keep it going.

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Please don’t take this as an attack it’s hard to communicate through text. And I may have read you post completely wrong.
But Reading your post to me it comes across that you are worrying about how your needs are not being meet, but it looks as if maybe your partners needs aren’t being meet either, as you have started they have expressed their need for them to be intimate.

You say you feel disconnected but are still focusing on intimacy instead of putting your energy into reconnecting, I understand you say you need the intimacy for connection but there needs to be foundation to connection before intimacy. I think you both need to have a fully open and honest conversation and work together to move forward.
I wish you all the best.

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I am like your partner , i need a build up and a lot of it is mental for me but my partner is literally ready to go at any minute . We have been together a long time and at the start we were in bed all the time :blush:
He knows this though and will arouse me mentally before jumping straight in , sometimes its minutes but other times its a lot longer .
I can tell when he is desperate for it and there are times i laugh and say do you need some attention .
Sex is a huge part or our relationship it always has been but its changed over the years .
So i expect you will be told today many times its talking talking and more talking and that is exactly what you need to do .
You do need to think about her feelings and needs , neither of your needs are being met at the moment but you are thinking only about your own .
You need to find a midway point you are both happy with , which is easier said than done .
You will get lots of advice and i hope you get something that works for you .
Good luck

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It is hard to communicate my full feelings over text. But I hear you, from my point of view I feel like I’ve done the things she has requested to try and get things back on track. Non physically intimate things just to try and reconnect, I just don’t feel it has changed anything.

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Thank you! I appreciate hearing your perspective as it sounds very similar to my partners.

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Similar to @Mr_Mrs_0 , one of the things that I always worry about when I hear about couples with an inbalance in their love life is “well what is the other side of this story? What am I not being told here?”. I’m a polyamorous woman, and one of the things that I have found on the few times that I’ve been involved with men with partners with a low sex drive is that all too often, they were at least part of the problem. They were deeply insecure, controlling and jealous, were driving their partners potty with their control freakery and double standards and having more partners was really just a way to boost their ego. Pretty yucky behaviour if you ask me, but hey.

What does reassure me is that your partner has mentioned marriage, and you’ve said that it’s you who isn’t sure, because of your wants and needs for more sex. That’s a pretty big thing! People who are unhappy with someone don’t usually want to marry them. So let me ask you this: aside from the differences in your sex drives, how is your relationship?

In my own marriage, my husband and I also have different sex drives, with me being the one with the higher sex drive as well. My husband is a once a week, take it or leave it kinda guy (I blame stress in his work, the poor guy works hard), whereas I’m more “did I orgasm yet today?”. I, like you, enjoy sex. For me, it’s a very validating part of love and acceptance, but more broadly it’s a wonderful way to connect. For my husband, watching TV together or taking a nap together is on par with that connection, and your partner may be the same.

But what I’m also wondering here is: how is your relationship with yourself? And with self-sex? Does/would your partner shame you for masturbating? For buying, owning and using sex toys? (again, I’m a lot more liberal about them than what my husband is, hence I ask). Sometimes, and for me too, part of it comes in the relationship that we have with ourselves. We want to be loved and validated, but what we neglect to do is to love and validate ourselves. So we expect others to love and validate us for us, and then we let others tell us what we’re allowed to want and have, and when we’re allowed to have it, and then shame us as “ungrateful” for wanting anything more.
But what if we took back that power? What if, instead of looking to our partners for that external love and validation, we learned to love ourselves instead? Girl. you are entitled to all the orgasms you want to have! You’re just not entitled to expect them from your partner :slight_smile:

Oh, and it’s Masturbation May, as if you needed an excuse :wink:

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I really love your response….

edited by mod

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Sure! I have no idea how private messages work here though. I’m yet to work those out :joy:

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There used to be a private message service on this forum but I’m pretty sure it doesn’t exist anymore.

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Thanks for that @rockstar . I thought I was just being ignorant so I’m glad my eyes are working fine lol.

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Yeah! You’re right there’s no private message function ahhh so annoying

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