I’m 30 years old, female, married and been with my husband for 8 years. We have a 1 year old.
I can make myself orgasm in less than a minute if I watch porn or visualise porn. But my technique for masturbating is very specific. If I try masturbating without thinking about porn it takes ages and I often get distracted thinking about other things. With sex I’m not in the moment thinking about what we’re doing, I feel like I need to fantasise to get myself going and I get distracted really easily. I’ve found recently that I’ve been losing my orgasm, like it builds up but then I don’t get the release. It’s frustrating!! And I wonder if it’s to do with porn and fantasy and maybe feeling guilty? When I watch porn I often find my orgasm is quite weak.
Also my orgasms have never been particularly strong and I’m a tricky one to please, I have a really sensitive clit and I find most stimulation uncomfortable. I don’t enjoy oral at all, I can only orgasm properly if I’m on top and I’ve suffered from pain during sex for many years.
When I met my husband I had a very high sex drive and his was lower than mine. I did feel that I had to tone it down to match up our needs and in doing so I think I actually damaged my sex drive?? He put a lot of restrictions on it, like he didn’t want to do it before bed as it made him really awake then he wouldn’t sleep well. But when you’re busy and have a kid you can’t exactly do afternoon delight and night time is the easiest time!!
I feel like I need to address my issues before I start to suggest changes to my husband but I don’t really know where to start. I don’t know if I have a porn addiction or if it’s normal that I need to use fantasy as a tool.
I have some of the symptoms of addiction, like my tastes are very specific and have become more extreme. Whereas I used to watch anything I now only enjoy anal porn even though we never do anal and I’m not actually bothered about doing it in real life. I don’t think about it all the time, I don’t watch it every day. But it does rule my brain when we’re having sex or during masturbating and I’m not sure how to change it. I don’t feel very good about the situation and I really want to improve our sex life. Any help or advice?
Ok there is a lot in your post and I really think you may need to seek some psychosexual counselling. You can do this by speaking to your GP or local sexual health clinic or googling it and finding a private practitioner. I don’t think you have porn addiction as such and so I wouldn’t necessarily approach it from that angle, I think this is a more general orgasm issue.
I’m not really not qualified to give any real advice but hopefully what I am about to say may help put your mind at rest.
Firstly, it is very normal to fantasise/watch porn/whatever about things you would have zero interest in doing in real life. Porn is a form of (sexy) escapism ultimately.
Secondly, it is very easy to get into a sexual rut by always having sex in the same way (both solo and partnered sex). There are also lots of chemicals involved in orgasm and we can build a tolerance to them too. Trying to change up your routine will help but that isn’t always the easiest thing to do as you find yourself thinking of what you would normally do and you lose the moment. One way to do this might be to surrender control to your partner. Other ways might be things like edging, orgasm denial or even just building the anticipation (For partnered sex) earlier, such as sending each other sexy messages or leaving little reminders that you’ll be having fun later.
Lastly, it does sound like you have a lot of guilt about your sexual habits. It is very easy for me to say that you shouldn’t have any guilt (and I’m definitely right about that) but it isn’t easy to just accept that. Everything you are doing is “normal” (whatever the hell that actually means). Like I said at the start, talking it through with someone might help you find what is causing the guilt as orgasms are as much mental as they are physical
Pain during sex doesn’t sound fun, have you worked out what the cause of that might be?
Are you getting proper sleep? With a 1 year old I suspect maybe not. Second time today I’ve said it but poor sleep = probably low seratonin = possibly reduced libido.
I don’t think it sounds like addiction… it sounds more just like a bit of a rut. I definitely empathise with very quick porny orgasms having a detrimental impact on sex. My belief is that the healthiest way to masturbate is following the same rhythm that you would during sex. That way when you have sex your masturbation context will fit with what you’re doing. I definitely found being used to quick fairly unsatisfying orgasms threw me off when it came to actual sex.
Have you tried intentionally taking longer with your play? Doing the same sort of things you would do during sex, rather than just heading straight for orgasm? Could you involve your partner with your masturbation in some way?
Thank you both so much for your replies. I never considered myself to have a porn addiction before but it was when we were having sex last week and the reason I couldn’t get turned on or get close to orgasm was because I couldn’t decide what to fantasise about. I suddenly thought “this is messed up, I think I might have a problem!”
I don’t feel guilty about watching porn or masturbating necessarily, I just feel bad that our sex life isn’t great and how much I use fantasy rather than focusing on my husband. But how do you stop yourself from doing that?! Losing my orgasm has become more and more frequent and its usually because of something distracting me at the very last moment. I really have to concentrate, is that weird?
I think edging and denial would be really great for us to try. I’d love to sacrifice control to him. We do just do the same stuff and sex is usually not spontaneous. I think the problem is that I’m actually quite kinky and he’s quite vanilla. I don’t feel particularly confident and comfortable opening up to him. He’s lovely and affectionate and handsome and I’m really attracted to him but he’s a bit of a closed book, just his personality means he’s a bit difficult to open up to! I suggested playing a sex board game that I bought years ago (Nookie) but he just looked mortified, it’s really not his thing.
The other day I didn’t come during sex so I asked if we could use a vibrator together. He said yes and we tried but he just didn’t seem that in to it and I was just too self conscious. I couldn’t let go so there was no way I could orgasm.
The pain during sex issue has unfortunately been an ongoing thing. He’s quite well endowed. I’ve actually been on love honey for over 10 years and looked through some of my old forum posts to see that I’ve been complaining about the same issues for years! I’ve been to the GP and they couldn’t see anything wrong. I had a straightforward birth with no stitches or anything so that’s not the reason. A lot of it is probably due to being anxious and not being wet enough.
Sleep is actually not too much on an issue here thankfully!
Definitely empathising now - I’ve been in very much the same situation with myself being the kinky one
So for me being engaged with my partner is what turns me on the most… And if an orgasm starts to be elusive it’s because I’m not engaged and not turned on by the situation anymore. A connection is super vital to my arousal.
You’ve said you’d like to try some tease and denial, giving up control to him, so basically some kinky submissive / bottom fun.
imo your best option there is to get him thinking and reading about the subject and see if an interest sparks anywhere. Jumping straight into kink play (even via boardgame) can be intimidating when you don’t know what the expectations are. I’d see it as a long term process - if you can stir a similar desire in him then you will click and kink off each other like crazy. Lots of people have similar desires regarding involving their vanilla partner in kink, so I’m sure there’s lots of reading out there.
In a situation where he is chronically completely uninterested I would explore kink on my own. Kink is way too good to pass up imo there’s quite a bit of solo fun that can be had around kink in the interim
Good afternoon @dotdashdot I believe you partly answered on what to do first. Addressing your issues first is the main thing, maybe not with a Councillor, but your partner first. That would be my recommendation. Then once your partner knows, the support he could provide you with councilling would probably help you get through this a lot more. Your partner definitely needs to know, so he knows what he can do to help you to get things back on track. Either way you decide, I wish you both the best of luck getting through this.
Thanks so much for your reply and for the link. Reading it made me feel so envious as she said she can orgasm all the time but really interesting. I also stumbled upon another article she wrote about audio porn. I’ve never heard of it but it sounds like something I’d really enjoy. I think it would get me to think of myself as a participant rather than just watching someone else get fucked. I think that would help a lot!
Also sorry about your sleep situation!! The good sleep has only been a recent thing and it took a lot of work
You’re absolutely right. I don’t exactly have a lot of free time at the moment and when I feel horny I can give myself a quick orgasm by repeating my usual techniques. I’d go as far as to say it would be impossible for my husband to do it and I need to train my body to orgasm from other methods.
I’m not keen to give up on orgasms altogether, I find that the less I do it the less I want it. My hubby is in the military and we’ve been through a couple of deployments where he’s been away for 6 months at a time. During one of them I barely masturbated and I just lost my drive completely. It was really really hard to get it back even when he came home!
So I think I need to stop the porn and try to use different methods to masturbate, prolong it a bit. I’ve just found out about audio porn, basically someone telling you what to do and talking you through your masturbation. I really want to give it a go. I also love erotica but I haven’t read any in so long. I think that would be better than watching anal porn!
Oh I actually have some of this but I haven’t used it enough. Will give it a go!
I think I need to stop orgasm seeking during sex and just enjoy it! I focus so much on orgasm that when it doesn’t happen I feel awful and disappointed and I actually don’t enjoy it even if the sensation is great.
Definitely lots to work with here!! Thank you so much.
I’ve had pain during sex - mostly for hormonal reasons and it felt like a tight elastic band around the opening which just wouldn’t ‘give’. Just stop if it hurts.
Vagifem is a prescription estrogen suppository - that really helped. So did a daily dose of Replense vaginal moisturiser - on prescription or over the counter. It comes with a handy ‘calpol’ style syringe so you can put it just where you want it. Also, during sex use lots of lube and then some more.
You mentioned previous posts - are you talking about the same partner? No need to answer, but it can help to know a bit of background if you are asking for advice, given that you mentioned it.
Others have addressed your wider concerns so I don’t have much to add, except that everyone fantasises - during sex and just during the day - and having a favourite kink is not an addiction. You are not being unfaithful. You can work on changing your favourite fantasy if you want, but you are causing no harm and you are enjoying yourself. Lots of women kinda ‘turn inwards’ - or concentrate - when they build up to orgasm. Totally normal.
If you have been with the same partner for a few years and recently had a baby, this can alter your relationship for a while and it can be a tricky time. Your hormones could be all over the place, along with everyone’s sense of his role. If there were already irritations, these might feel worse at the moment, but if you both chill and wait you may find yourselves in a better place soon to discuss things.
Wishing you both good luck x
It’s interesting how quite often the voice artist and the scriptwriter are different even on fairly amateur clips. Reddit seemed to be a good place for finding well tagged audio & that tends to then end up on soundgasm.net where it seems to get hosted. Fun times!
Yeah working hard at the moment to hopefully fix the sleeping.
There is nothing wrong with watching porn and fantasying about sex most people do it. I watch porn sometimes with my husband to spice things up. I have a 2 year old boy and sometime sex and play is done around him being in bed or out with the grandparents by this time your both tired.
Do some date nights where the child is away for a few hours. Rest up and stop over thinking things stress makes things worse. Talk to your husband and ask if your sexual needs are being met. Are you aroused by your husband and foreplay? Are you stressed in general? Jumping to quickly into sex will hurt you because your not sexually aroused to produce natural lubrication and loose up down below.
Get to know your self, what do you like about porn and what turns you on when you watch it? Sex isn’t perfect and can be messy at times, does it live up to reality. Vaginismus is the body’s automatic reaction to the fear of vaginal penetration. Whenever penetration is attempted, your vaginal muscles tighten up on their own. The following links may help with this
If it still happen after addressing these issues then definitely seek you GP advice.
Yeah I am a bit stressed. Obviously having a baby is hard work, work is tough sometimes. I’m also still breastfeeding a couple of times a day and I know that can really screw up your hormones. I also have a coil which I’m not convinced is doing me any favours. The best sex drive I’ve had was when we were trying for a baby and I was off contraception a while.
Pre baby I absolutely loved nipple stimulation and that was where I got most of my pleasure from foreplay but as that’s kind of off the cards for now I do feel like I’m missing out on a really important aspect of what turns me on.
I don’t really get turned on my foreplay, I really don’t like oral and my over sensitive clit makes things difficult. Poor hubby doesn’t stand a chance really. Writing it all down makes me realise the amount of problems we have and all the barriers that are getting in the way of our sex life!
I’m looking at possibly getting a wand vibrator so we can use it for a bit of massage and play without insertion. But are they a bit much for a sensitive clit?
Wands are known for being strong, but obviously they differ - read a few reviews for the ones you like the look of. They are less targeted than a bullet, so you might find the broader base diffusing stimulation over a larger area to be quite helpful. Have a look at mini wands too?
Have you tried massage together, to relax and sooth while still being intimate?
I don’t think you have problems, even tho you might think so. I think your stressed and under pressure to perform. I would advice to get the coil out and see if that makes a difference. You have only just had a child so things are getting back to normal downstairs. Also embrace you bigger boobs from breast feeding, my husband loved mine and it didn’t stop him.
When I was pregnant I only had sex 3 times as I never felt horny but after I gave birth I got my sex drive back. I do think hormones do have a big part to play in it. Also with everyone in lockdown that has added more stress on top of having a baby. How are you coping with being a new mum? Do you have enough support? I do have a body wand it’s like a power drill so be warned.
Have a mini wand but don’t get much from it and the button gets stuck so we don’t use it much. I think a broader base would be really good but I don’t want it to be too powerful. There’s one that’s £35 at the moment which I’m looking at Lovehoney Powerful Rechargeable Silicone Wand Vibrator - Lovehoney UK
I don’t think it is the coil, the pain is the same as I had pre baby and I’ve never had a coil before. I just think it might be effecting my drive. But reeeeeally don’t want another baby so I’m reluctant to get it taken out!!
My boobs are back to normal really and not huge anymore! It’s more that I don’t want milk to come out when he plays with them
Loving being a mum. Got plenty of support from hubby, we’re doing really well. Obviously just a bit more tired and distracted!
there’s quite a bit of solo fun that can be had around kink in the interim
