Lost my libido and its still not back

Sex Tips & Talk
1

I would like peoples real experiences and to know what helped.

I lost my libido about 2 and a half years to 3 years ago and it is still lost! :(

I can't say what took it away as I don't know adsactly, though I do have an idea. Before my libido left, I was with my ex (of 3 years). We had a lot of sex and I used to kind of enjoy it (I don't think that I have ever been well in to it, Always prefered it short and fast.) He cheated on me a lot and would accuse me of cheating or threaten leaving when I didn't give him sex. In the end he left me for another person. (of cause after the relationship I realised how bad it was and I got lucky that he found someone else)

I was then single for a year. In the second half of that year I slept with someone a few times, just a no strings thing but that made me feel vile.

After that year, I got in to a relationship with my current partner and we have had sex and experimented with a few things together. I have not been in to sex at all really in the last 3 years. So we would have sex but I would always hate myself after and often cry and feel dirty. Sometimes I would cry during and we would stop. (I just have to make clear that my partner does not and has never forced me in to sex) I guess I would have sex in the hope that it would just sort its self out. Of cause, it hasn't.

I have tried different things, such as sex toys, I took sexy pictures, OH and I took sexy pictures together, I have read erotic novels, I read a book about 'becoming a sex kitten', I read a book called re-energise your sex life, I brought sexy lingerie, I brought sex games, I joined fetlife to see a different world of sex (I am no longer on there), I made a 'kinky twitter' (I no longer have that either) and I joined the LH community.

I got diagnosed with depression a year and a half ago and I am aware that that it is a factor. I have mentioned it to my doctor and I will be seeing a counsellor in a months time, but I thought that I would post on here because the month is taking a long time (I have been on a waiting list for 3 months) and I was crying last night in frustration about the situation. I have sex probably once a month and that it because I don't want my partner to suffer although he kind of is. He has never forced sex and he doesn't want it all the time anyway. But he used to ask and he doesn't even ask anymore because I felt hastled, which I did / do, but it must be bad if he doesn't even ask any more. I find it harder as well because I am only in my early 20's so I should be well in to sex!

I appreciate any help, opinions or experiences that may help me (and other people, if there are other people suffering with loss of libido) Thanks for reading my story, it has been hard for me to do this.

2

Sorry to hear that you are going through such a tough and frustrating time. I lost my libido when I was in a very depressed state and with the help of therapy I got my confidence back and began to explore myself once again. Hopefully you will get an appointment through soon to see a counsellor.

In the meantime, try and chat to your partner and explain your frustrations. Perhaps try some sensual play together, such as massage and touching, without having to go all the way and build it up at each session.

Good luck x

3

Masturbation is ideal to get back your libido. I would take it slow at first. Make sure you have the house to yourself and there will be no interruptions, so you can relax totally. This is time for you alone, no one else is involved, it's about getting to know yourself and feeling the excitement. take a bath with all your favourite products and make yourself feel really relaxed. You can start by touching yourself in the bath. Doesn´t have to be erogenous zones, arms shoulders, legs whatever, just the feel of skin on skin is enough. Once you are out of the bath I recommend getting into bed, cover yourself with a sheet or duvet, it will ake you feel less exposed (even if no-one else is there you still may feel that way). Start by just massaging yourself with oil or whatever you have handy. Again any zones, don't go straight to the typical sex zones. Once you feel very relaxed, start on the erogenous areas, probably breats first, just gently until you feel turned on. Carry on from there taking it slow and just touching yourself gently where ever it feels good. You stop any time you feel like it, no need to orgasm or even get to the in between legs area.

Try doing this regularly, only doing what feels pleasureable to you. I think this will bring back your libido, it worked for me after a perido of depression and no sex drive. I am now fully active and loving every minute.

Good luck xxx

4

Oh... poo. Right, well, bloke here. But, I also have Depression or the Black Dog. It took a while but I found tabletsthat work for me, at the 4th or 5th try. Transformational. Seriously. I also see a Counsellor, but only 4 weekly now.

My tabs are one of the SSRI's. These do mess with your libido, quite a bit - but mine has come back, pretty much. For blokes, they also 'slow' things a bit....LOL. In extreme this is not good....!

I really though I might as well close my account on here, as I was never going to feel like buying anything - what was the point....? But things improved, slowly - and I'm back.... pretty much, a bit different - but back.

So, I would address the Depression - and other things should follow. It will probably take time, but you wil get back to being you again. Good luck...!!

5

Sounds like you've had a very rough time, and I'm sorry to hear that.

I think you'll find if you've got a good councillor that they'll be able to help over time, and at least help you feel better about things taking a while to change, but I can say from what people have said on here before and some personal experience that you're not alone, that it can be complicated, and that things can get better. Also don't beat yourself up about it.

Just a couple of thoughts,

do you exercise much? If not it could be beneficial in two ways - 1/ to help counter the depression somewhat, 2/ to build your sex drive (which will also be helped by lifting the depression). It's not a magic solution but it does help. I'd say cardio tends to help most, so running, cycling, or some sort of class.

Also rather than thinking "I must want sex, lets get through it", try to focus less on that and more on being sensual. Try massages (proper ones, not the stereotypical quick 5 mins then a blowjob! :-) ), or just kiss and touch in a non sexual way knowing it's agreed you're not going past that at that time. You'll both appreciate the closeness without apprehension of what comes next, it may ease some of the tension that might be in your relationship right now while you're both stressing about this, and you might find your mind starts wandering towards wandering sex over time.

Sounds like you've got a really good partner who's prepared to be patient and help you be happy which is fantastic.

6

Thank you Purring Pussy and Funenfrolicks, It is good to know that I am not the only person that has and is suffering, more so because everyone around me seems to be having loads of sex, or so they say, and they seem to think that me and my partner are too and do not believe us when we say that we are not. That is really annoying because it makes you feel more alone than ever with the situation.

I am home alone a lot as I am unemployed and my partner works, but I do have 2 dogs and so it is as alone as it can get as if you shut them out of a room, one of them barks, cries and is destructive. For example, when in the bath, If the door is shut, when you come out, there is rubbish shredded all over the floor because one of them has seperation anxiety and so is destructive when I am not around. Also I have alcoholics living in the houses either side, one lot have just moved in so a lot of banging / working.

I have an appointment for the start of july, and we have spoken but often I would get upset and rather not speak about it so I guess that we don't talk about it anymore. I have never been turned on through my breasts by anyone and I have only ever had pleasure from masturbation once (an online session with my OH) otherwise, I have never enjoyed masturebating myself, but maybe I just haven't found what works for me.

I used to have a bath and take my toys with me but the toys just sat there as I never got in the mood for them. I haven't tried touching myself in a none sexual way just to enjoy the 'feel'. I will try that as I am willing to try most things. I also tried watching porn with my partner but it just doesn't do anything for me.

It is also good to read that people who have been through it now have a happy sex life as it does feel like i'll just never want sex again. Do keep these comments coming!

Thank you xx

7

Thank you Cyklon, I remember you, I stopped coming on here in December but have just come back on. I was buying things, started getting a good collection but I don't use them. The only reason I stopped buying is lack of money, and my partner making me see sense that I keep buying toys but not using them. I went on 3 different medications for the depression but I haven't been on any meds for 3 months now.

And thank you scarab9, No, I don't exercise much at all, because I get anxious around people I couldn't join a group. I have looked into getting some exercise equipment for at home though. And he really is good as I can't believe that he is still around, a lot of people wouldn't be.

Thanks xx

8

I lost mine after having a retroverted uterus.
And a bout of depression and tablets.
Took me ages to get it back. Years.
But I have it now and I all I did was to loose weight, start feeling better about myself.
:)

9

Thank you pinkanimal, I have never heard of a retroverted uterus. I am glad that you have it back. I have gained weight in the last year so maybe it would help me to tone up. I don't want to loose loads because I have bigger boobs now, which I love, But I suppose tonning up would help.

Thank you xx

10

KinkyMinxMoo wrote:

Thank you pinkanimal, I have never heard of a retroverted uterus. I am glad that you have it back. I have gained weight in the last year so maybe it would help me to tone up. I don't want to loose loads because I have bigger boobs now, which I love, But I suppose tonning up would help.

Thank you xx

youre welcome KMM.

I lost some of my boobs :(

its a fancy word for tilted, it tilted backwards and meant that sex was impossible till it was fixed by keyhole surgery x

11

Oh Kinky...regarding your second post first: people LOVE to brag about the sex they are getting, but no one is gunna brag about the sex they are not getting, or their own personal issues, or the things that fail or embarrass or humiliate. Please ignore the braggy people.

Personally I would have recommended you focus on the mental trauma caused by those bad experiences and see a councillor, which I see you are doing and I think it is the best thing you can do. Trying to "fix" yourself by focusing on the physical (having more sex, sex toys etc) is focusing on the wrong area and this is probably why you have had little success. I guess it would be like putting on a coat to stop feeling cold, but leaving the back door open. (If that makes sense) The mind is THE most important thing when it comes to libido, sexual desire, reaching orgasm etc. I mean, I am sure you have noticed others suffering with worries, traumas, religeous beliefs and so much more, which all start in the mind and switch off the body. The mind is truly powerful.

I just want you to know you are not alone and actually it is extremely common (and common sense) to expect such a thing to happen when you suffer through some kind of upsetting/traumatic event. No matter what it is that causes the upset/trauma, it can really mess up your ability to enjoy something from then on out. This is true for all of us. I think talking with the therapist will be your best bet to working through it.

12

I think forget about the libido thing as you are putting yourself under too much pressure. Start counselling. Maybe they will prescribe medication. Perhaps rather than focus on yourself i don't mean selfishly but you are putting pressure on yourself. Focus instead on your other half. Give him a massage or hugs or kisses or snuggle up on the couch together. Tell him it won't lead to sex so there is no pressure but focus on him and take the pressure off yourself. Good luck with the counselling and try to be kind and give yourself a break. Xx

13

Well Pinkanimal, I used to have bigish boobs when I was younger, then I lost a lot of weight and my boobs got smaller, though I was still a B cup and I was happy with that, But now they are bigger than ever and I am rather chuffed lol although I would not be devistated if they went down as I lost weight. I am glad that your tilt had been fixed and that it was able to be done with keyhole surgery.

Hello Fluffbags, I remember you. Most of te time I do ignore the braggy people as some of the time, they are over compensating for the fact that they are not getting it. Thank you for your input, and it does make sense.

Hello LilMissFrustrated, I lso remember you. My partner knows it won't lead to sex which helps me. Thank you for your input and for giving me good luck wishes.

Thank you all xx

14

Hi, There's a lot of words on this thread already, and to be completely honest I haven't read all of them so apologies if any of this is repetition.

In life it is normal to have ups and downs in mood, outlook and generally everything, including sex drive.

If you feel shit about yourself/life then you're not going to want to have the hanky panky, and that is perfectly normal. As someone who has been where you are emotionally, I can report that it does come back, when you are ready for it. Tablets don't help, and as cyklon said there are many different ones, and it is OK to go back to the doctor and ask for other ones if you think they are creating the problem (if indeed it is a problem).

It sounds to me like you have a really good partner at the moment, and that is waht you need, someone to be there for you, and not pressurise you into putting out when you are't feeling it.

About counselling - don't rely on this to sort you out. I had counselling on and off over 8 years, and never met a single one who was able to help me. It may help you, but please don't rely on it. Cliche time, at the end of the day there is only one person who can get you back up, and that is you. Doctors can give you medicinal help, counsellors can give you support, but you will be the one who pulls yourself up and out. It could take a while, but when it happens, rejoice and remember.

15

Hello Sum Sub, I also remember you. Thank you for sharing your personal experience, I hadn't thought to not rely on the counselling, so I am glad that you have said that as obviously it doesn't help every one and that would have made me feel worse if I rely on it and it doesn't help. Thank you x

16

I feel for you, I lost my sex drive for around 2 years about 3 years ago (I am 25) I suffer with depression and anxiety but I am no longer on meds meds for it as I have felt a lot better for the past 2 years. I always thought it was the depression that made me lose my sex drive but it turns out it was my contraception that was causing it and adding to my depression. Are you on any form of contraceptive pill at all? I know it may sound daft but it really was a major factor for me x

17

Hello JuicyJ89. Yes, I have thought that the contraception may be the problem. I am actually on the implant, but I get constant periods all of the time so I am also on a pill called Levest, because without the pill, I do bleed. I have recently been thinking about having the implant removed, but it is my prefered form of contraception and I do not want to get pregnant. I am at a bit of a loss as far as contraception is concerned. Does anyone know if the implant affects sex drive? It is a very good point though so thank you for that x

18

What's the name of the implant? There's a wealth of advice already on here about contraception. I know mirena has been discussed a lot too.

19

Unfortunately for me I can't take any form of contraception that contains hormones as it was causing swelling in my brain and I had 2 mini strokes (which were unnoticable and thankfully gone!) thats why I had to come off of the pill but the only option I have is the coil and condoms. I suppose its weighing up the pros and cons and what will work for you. Coming off even if only for a short while may help you? I was on the pill constantly for 8 years so my body has sighed a BIG sigh of relief for the break x

20

I'm no expert, but if I were you I wouldn't necessarily be trying to have sex in the month leading up to counselling - instead use the time to get as intimate as possible in every not-quite sexual way you can think of.

Massages, baths together, long showers, cuddles, kisses. Gradually build up to the point where you're desperate to have sex not because you feel that you should, but because you really want to be that way with your OH.