Hi. I am new to this forum. I have been with my oh for almost 10 years but our sex life is terrible, mainly my doing. He would have it as often as I would give it. I have little sex drive, and I am always dry. I have toys, clothes for dressing up but I just can't seem to be bothered to make the effort. I am desperate to improve the situation as it's putting a huge strain on our relationship. Help and suggestions welcome please.....
Hello and welcome :)
Have you been to your GP and ruled out any medical problems, hormonal issues etc?
Hi hun, first off, this is nothing to be ashamed of and it's more common than you think. I previously wrote a post on the LH about sex, libido and mental health, might be worth a read?
http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/community/forums/sex-tips-and-talk/1149463-sex-depression-and-the-libido/
Hormonal birth control killed my sex drive. Definitely talk to your doctor ASAP
I know the feeling. I used to be in the same boat with vaginal dryness and a low libedo after finding out my diabetes well well and tryly to blame as my constant high blood sugars would also cause vaginal dryness before during and after sex with my ex and also due to the high blood my mental attitude towards everything was just low. I wouldn't want sex or even kiss him.
May be have a word with your GP if there is an imbalance somewhere or if its just a mental block as i've found you can get peaks and lows when it comes to sex drive. I mean now my blood sugars are a lot more in control my sex drive with my OH is not what it used to be ;P but there will be times if i'm just not feeling it he'll understand.
check with your GP and maybe talk to your OH if there is anyhing causing you to be in that slump
Hope your ok xx
lmh95 wrote:
+1 Welcome to the forums. Have you tried using any lubricants? It makes things feel much more comfortable and once you feel less sore and chafed you'll maybe feel more relaxed and turned on then your body will naturally take over. Maybe leave the toys and lingerie to the side just now and go back to basics. Start being more touchy feely with each other everyday like when you just met. Kiss, hold hands, cuddle and just enjoy holding each other before moving onto snogging, heavy petting, foreplay and then sex over a period of time. Massages are lovely too for getting used to each others touch again. We went through a period when the kids were small and we were both busy at work, tired and stressed out when sex became a chore rather than a pleasure before eventually stopping altogether for over a year and the back to basics approach reignited the spark with us. Discovering lovehoney and toys, reading sex tips, trying new things and positions, talking about sex and discussing things we'd like to try and fantasies and making more alone time for each other has led to us having a better sex life now than when we first got together 22 years ago. Do you masturbate at all? I think it's really important to know how to get yourself off so that you can let your OH know where and how you like to be touched. Maybe try experimenting on your own again. Hope some of this helps. Take care xNatandTom wrote:
Hello and welcome :)
Have you been to your GP and ruled out any medical problems, hormonal issues etc?
I couldn't have put this better myself, this is great advice from Imh95. I hope things get better for you soon. You're 100% not alone here, this is a very common problem x
yes lube was formulated specifically to enhance our lady bits, esp if you suffer with dryness
lmh95 wrote:
Hi. Thanks for the reply, not spoken to GP about this as yet. Good suggestion +1 Welcome to the forums. Have you tried using any lubricants? It makes things feel much more comfortable and once you feel less sore and chafed you'll maybe feel more relaxed and turned on then your body will naturally take over. Maybe leave the toys and lingerie to the side just now and go back to basics. Start being more touchy feely with each other everyday like when you just met. Kiss, hold hands, cuddle and just enjoy holding each other before moving onto snogging, heavy petting, foreplay and then sex over a period of time. Massages are lovely too for getting used to each others touch again. We went through a period when the kids were small and we were both busy at work, tired and stressed out when sex became a chore rather than a pleasure before eventually stopping altogether for over a year and the back to basics approach reignited the spark with us. Discovering lovehoney and toys, reading sex tips, trying new things and positions, talking about sex and discussing things we'd like to try and fantasies and making more alone time for each other has led to us having a better sex life now than when we first got together 22 years ago. Do you masturbate at all? I think it's really important to know how to get yourself off so that you can let your OH know where and how you like to be touched. Maybe try experimenting on your own again. Hope some of this helps. Take care xNatandTom wrote:
Hello and welcome :)
Have you been to your GP and ruled out any medical problems, hormonal issues etc?
lmh95 wrote:
+1 Welcome to the forums. Have you tried using any lubricants? It makes things feel much more comfortable and once you feel less sore and chafed you'll maybe feel more relaxed and turned on then your body will naturally take over. Maybe leave the toys and lingerie to the side just now and go back to basics. Start being more touchy feely with each other everyday like when you just met. Kiss, hold hands, cuddle and just enjoy holding each other before moving onto snogging, heavy petting, foreplay and then sex over a period of time. Massages are lovely too for getting used to each others touch again. We went through a period when the kids were small and we were both busy at work, tired and stressed out when sex became a chore rather than a pleasure before eventually stopping altogether for over a year and the back to basics approach reignited the spark with us. Discovering lovehoney and toys, reading sex tips, trying new things and positions, talking about sex and discussing things we'd like to try and fantasies and making more alone time for each other has led to us having a better sex life now than when we first got together 22 years ago. Do you masturbate at all? I think it's really important to know how to get yourself off so that you can let your OH know where and how you like to be touched. Maybe try experimenting on your own again. Hope some of this helps. Take care xNatandTom wrote:
Hello and welcome :)
Have you been to your GP and ruled out any medical problems, hormonal issues etc?
Wow. I am overwhelmed by the lengths you have gone to in your post. I have used lubricants in the past but dried out quickly, given up and binned them. Maybe I should try different types and experiment by myself. I don't masturbate but I have done in the past. I work a lot of hours, no children and my oh is not always well due to a long term health condition. Sex is so low on the agenda a lot of the time which is frustrating in several ways. The massages sound like a really good idea. Even if just to aid relaxation and skin to skin contact. I often am in pain during sex so it puts me off and a lot of the time it is a mental block before we even start.
Vanessa8 wrote:
Hormonal birth control killed my sex drive. Definitely talk to your doctor ASAP
bagpuss356 wrote:
lmh95 wrote:
Hormonal Hi. Thanks for the reply, not spoken to GP about this as yet. Good suggestion +1 Welcome to the forums. Have you tried using any lubricants? It makes things feel much more comfortable and once you feel less sore and chafed you'll maybe feel more relaxed and turned on then your body will naturally take over. Maybe leave the toys and lingerie to the side just now and go back to basics. Start being more touchy feely with each other everyday like when you just met. Kiss, hold hands, cuddle and just enjoy holding each other before moving onto snogging, heavy petting, foreplay and then sex over a period of time. Massages are lovely too for getting used to each others touch again. We went through a period when the kids were small and we were both busy at work, tired and stressed out when sex became a chore rather than a pleasure before eventually stopping altogether for over a year and the back to basics approach reignited the spark with us. Discovering lovehoney and toys, reading sex tips, trying new things and positions, talking about sex and discussing things we'd like to try and fantasies and making more alone time for each other has led to us having a better sex life now than when we first got together 22 years ago. Do you masturbate at all? I think it's really important to know how to get yourself off so that you can let your OH know where and how you like to be touched. Maybe try experimenting on your own again. Hope some of this helps. Take care xNatandTom wrote:
Hello and welcome :)
Have you been to your GP and ruled out any medical problems, hormonal issues etc hormonal eg the coil? Had one fitted 6 years ago for reasons I can't go into here. On my second coil now. Definitely worse with it in but then I wonder if my age is causing the dryness, I am in my late 30s and no real issues in my 20s
lmh95 wrote:
+1 Welcome to the forums. Have you tried using any lubricants? It makes things feel much more comfortable and once you feel less sore and chafed you'll maybe feel more relaxed and turned on then your body will naturally take over. Maybe leave the toys and lingerie to the side just now and go back to basics. Start being more touchy feely with each other everyday like when you just met. Kiss, hold hands, cuddle and just enjoy holding each other before moving onto snogging, heavy petting, foreplay and then sex over a period of time. Massages are lovely too for getting used to each others touch again. We went through a period when the kids were small and we were both busy at work, tired and stressed out when sex became a chore rather than a pleasure before eventually stopping altogether for over a year and the back to basics approach reignited the spark with us. Discovering lovehoney and toys, reading sex tips, trying new things and positions, talking about sex and discussing things we'd like to try and fantasies and making more alone time for each other has led to us having a better sex life now than when we first got together 22 years ago. Do you masturbate at all? I think it's really important to know how to get yourself off so that you can let your OH know where and how you like to be touched. Maybe try experimenting on your own again. Hope some of this helps. Take care xNatandTom wrote:
Hello and welcome :)
Have you been to your GP and ruled out any medical problems, hormonal issues etc?
Thank you all for the positive comments. Made me feel a bit more normal/human about the situation. Will be ordering lubricants to try out, maybe alone to gain confidence and get to know myself better in that department. It's definitely a mental block for me, I freeze and am worried in advance about pain and drying up. Massages sound like a good plan just for relaxing and skin to skin contact. I love the clothes I have as they make me feel confident and appreciated, mainly baby dolls and hold ups is about as good as it gets but I feel comfortable in them. I like my oh to see me like that as well.
Thanks lmh95 again for your detailed reply. I have since found a lubricant that I have never used so I will make a start on that, unless it has a shelf life?
Good idea about the photos. I don't have the best body but I do feel comfortable dressed up and my oh seems to enjoy me looking this way.
I think a lot of it is simply not being relaxed enough and giving myself a chance.
This forum will be brilliant for me if people are as helpful and supportive as you have been.
After I had a baby I experienced awful dryness and used Replense vaginal moisturizer. It is different than a lubricant and may be worth looking into.
May I recommend a silicone based type lube, most are water based, as the water evaporates, or gets absorbed inside they will become sticky to the point it stops working at all, so even if you are using a fair amount you may find they "don't really work very well" its worth a try.
Be warned the silicone lube is very hard to remove from the bed sheets.
Lmh95 you have boosted my confidence no end. I have found a lubricant not used and am having an afternoon of experimenting thanks to your words. The experiment is about to start. I have found out the baby dolls, holding ups and lube as well as the small pocket play cliteral vibe with stimulating attachments that I brought on lh months ago but just stuffed in a drawer and had never been used due to lack of confidence. Just watched the lh video clips about the toy too for extra support. Have you seen the video? The comments and feedback on this product are amazing......