Moving on to Something More Exciting

All -- this is long and I apologise in advance. Thanks to anyone who reads the whole thing!

My OH has been my only partner. We seem never to have been very sexually active and have been together for 20 years. She is a wonderful mum and my best friend. We have been through periods (sometimes full years with health issues) with very little sex. We are now having sex around 12 times a year which is great progress. I now would like to make progress to something more exciting.

I think it's reasonable that we would - make intimate time a priority, create a sense of anticipation, indulge each other. At the moment we sort of agree that we need to break the fast during the day at the weekend then go through with something routine at the end of the day which seems to cross it off the list for another month.

I am very jealous of those on here that enjoy this more often and with more variety.

I think I have two options: I can either withdraw and just let my frustration build up over time and get unhappy about it. This is what I'd do by default. I really want to do something positive and want to tell her that I'm trying to improve this and do something to make this better.

For those of you with more experience: should I be candid about what I'm trying to fix? (we never talk about sex) and do you have any small suggestions for what to do that would show I would like to explore more with her without being creepy or being a heavy expectation?

She either has no fantasies or won't share them so I have nothing to open the door on to start.

Finally, I would love to know whether anyone else has gone from a vanilla, loving, long-term relationship to something more exciting?

Thanks in advance!

Hi ya, Yes I understand where your coming from exactly. I’ve been with hubby 15 years, he’s an amazing hubby & Dad. I suffered sexual trauma and never disclosed it until this year. So for us sex was 2-3 a year max for all those years. 9 months ago I finally told my hubby about my past, and I told him I wanted to make sexy time a priority. We now make time every night to be close, that doesn’t always include sex, but time to re connect as a couple. I’m not great with communication as I’m a selective mute due to my past, but when I find my anxiety triggers, I can text him and when I’m able to we can go back and talk. We regularly now have light bondage nights, or anal play/sex, and as silly as it sounds, we’ve reconnected, before we had lots of miscommunications, where we didn’t know what the other wanted. There are some great apps that you can use as a couple, and it matches your matches etc. Also Giving her some time to herself minus the children can help, keeping all lines of communication open, letting her know how amazing she is, and building her confidence.

Hi DevonshireCat, I sympathise, Justthetwoofus has some great advice. I often feel envious if I’m honest, we haven’t had sex for over 8 years, I’m just resigned to solo play. I spoil my girlfriend regularly and hug her when she’s feeling low, just being there for her. Justthetwoofus, very sorry you suffered sexual trauma. Thinking of you both :)

Thank you knight1119

You’re very welcome Justthe2ofus

Afternoon, it is to your credit that you are here trying to mix things up a bit. Don’t bother with the withdrawing due to frustration bit, I tried that earlier in the year, it didn’t work, nearly cost me my marriage as it turned into resentment and a fair dollop of hatred (from me that is, my poor husband did nothing but tell me he loved me), just go straight to the ‘my darling, I would really like to try a few different things with you that you might get a lot of pleasure from’ line instead.

My husband and I are a pair of relative greenhorns as well, and he has never shared literally any fantasies with me either. He is very much my vanilla donkey that I drag around the world of LH, BUT he is willing to try most (not all) of the toys that I buy. He is dubious about some ideas I have, and is just dead against other suggestions, so I’m just working with what I can get away with!

Likewise, you might also be best off with a softly-softly approach and trial and error. My husband has surprised himself by the stuff he has enjoyed once he has tried it, it is just feeling relaxed and comfortable enough to give things a go. If all else fails, I get on my knees and literally beg, that normally wins him over to trying something, even if it is just the once!

I would start the suggestions slow and gentle: feather tickler, blindfold, all over massage, scented candles (if she likes all of that kind of girly fluff), more ‘mood’ setting than actual toys. She might genuinely have no idea what sensations she might like, but it would be a great things for the two of you to discover together. Best of luck to you both.

gradually developing sensitivity of different areas and learning to relax and enjoy those sensations may help your lovely wife. If it's not promoting something that I shouldn't you may find some of the Youtube videos by Layla Martin very useful too as she has practical ideas as well to help women connect with themselves and learn to be open to themselves.

If I shouldn't mention Layla Martin admins, please delete my post and apologies.

Thanks so much for your comments...lot's to try. Seems I'm not the only person trying to get some spark in to things! It's always great to see on here what people get up to.

@ very good of you to share and puts our reasons in to perspective, but shows how far it's possible to come.

@Gosig a great warning of what happens if I go for the default.

@VixyWolf I'll have a look at the videos.

DevonshireCat, I hope that you work it out, I hope you both enjoy the ride x.