We have only recently started having full penetration due to me suffering with Vaginismus (I find it very painful and difficult to take anything in without involuntary closing up). By using dilators and lubrication, I have managed to build myself up to my husband’s size, but now that we know i need a lot of lubrication and that missionary seems to be the easiest position (so far) for us to both semi enjoy it, he can’t seem to find enough friction to feel a build up.
I am actually not concerned with orgasming as I know there are other ways in which i can achieve this without penetration, but I really want for him to be able to orgasm inside me.
Any advice for us tentative explorers?
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Hi, well done to both of you for getting to this stage 
i had vaginismus for years and it can be a real struggle to get there.
There are some really nice threads about it on the forum, if you have a search (top right hand corner, magnifying glass icon) that will have useful tips.
There is also the Positions of the week thread. Which has a ton of options, so maybe you’ll find one that works better for you.
These two might be good options to try as they give the penetrating partner more friction
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Hi @Butterfly8i8, firstly, well done on getting this far. I’ve struggled with vaginismus too so I know how hard it is to get to where you are now.
This sounds a bit selfish, but, in the early stages of being able to have penetrative sex, I wouldn’t worry too much about whether he can orgasm inside you. Basically, it’s really important that you begin to build up an association between penetration and pleasure. I might be wrong, but I think that trying to increase friction for him generally involves positions that make things tighter for you which is not something that you want at this stage. Once you are totally comfortable with penetration then you can start to experiment a bit more.
The only other thing that I can think of is that, it is possible that he has become used to a tight grip on his penis if he usually orgasms by masturbation or a hand job from you. If this is what he has become used to then he might find that penetration is not giving the grip that he is used to. I think the best way to solve that problem is to stop masturbating for a while and “resetting” if that makes any sense?
There are lots of positions that will make things feel tighter and give more friction for him but I think they might also make things more difficult for you. Sorry if this isn’t much help, I’m just basing this on my experiences and what we were told by the counsellor/ sex therapist we saw for a while.
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Hey @Butterfly8i8! I’m glad you’ve got some advice from people with experience. I don’t have any experience with this, and so am hesitant to give much advice. I would reiterate what others have said about not putting pressure on yourself - be selfish and focus on what feels ok for you. There’s heaps of time for more exploration further down the line if you choose, so I would focus on becoming more comfortable with the sensations first.
One thing I have done before, which may or may not work for you and your partner, is putting your palm on your clitoris area, with your pointing and middle finger in a v shape downwards either side of where he enters. You can then apply pressure to the sides of his penis (using your fingers either side) when he enters in/out. It’s not something everyone enjoys, and may also depend how comfortable you are with touching yourself and clitoral stimulation, but I thought I’d throw it out there. I’m not sure how well I’ve explained it, but hopefully it makes a little bit of sense!
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I want to congratulate you on being determined to overcome the problem you were having with vaginismus which means things are very painful. Its good to know you have been working with the dilators and lubrication. I cannot offer help with your final question but well done and best of luck. Many women would just give up but I am pleased you are determined to find pleasure for both of you. @Butterfly8i8
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If you have no compatibility issues with toys you could try a silicone lubricant. We have found that water based lubes can reduce friction too much as you describe. Silicone lubricants make you feel ‘slippy but not sloppy’.
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Would you allow him to masturbate himself or you give oral while using a dildo and then once he is at the point of orgasming, he switch positions and finish inside you? Or allowing anal and then go to vaginal to finish?
I think frm reading here and from my own experience, there is a definite rush that comes with an orgasm from a man inside of a woman and I will never feel that rush. As @steve19 mentioned, your situation is one of bravery and accomplishment. I trust you guys will find a work around that is pleasurable and not painful for everyone…
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Thank you for your advice, it is a struggle, but I think I can tolerate the level of discomfort for this to be more about him. I will definitely study the positions more as I think this will give us some motivation to try and find a few that work for us.
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It’s strange how I don’t know of anyone else who has vaginismus, and yet here you all are. 
I was getting worried that it was just me!
It is a struggle to feel pleasure at the moment, we have had a few flukes where the warmth and connection overide my discomfort, but when we do the same position on a different day, its really uncomfortable, but I thank you for the advice about grip being a part of his need for more friction, i’ll suggest that and see if it helps
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I appreciate your honesty, but that is definitely something to try, i’m still quite new to touching myself as it doesn’t seem to do anything for me, but I can give it a go
It’s a hurdle for sure, but we’re in it together and we’re a determined couple, so hopefully our perseverance will pay off
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Oh ok, I have only used water-based as a rule, but I did wonder if this might make a difference.
I was wondering if that was one way to go about it. As we’ve been experiencing problems, the fire tends to waver when we try and change position mainly due to frustration over the pain issues. But with enough momentum, it may be possible to keep that going whilst doing a quick switch.
You have done a lot of good work getting your body comfortable again and I applaud you.
I had vaginismus for awhile too, and still have pain problems with certain toys. I am ok with my partner. In order to be comfortable with penetration, try getting yourself really aroused with a thin vibrating dildo or clit stimulator before penetrative sex. A position that might give him more friction is you lying on your side with him behind you. When he is in, close your legs, and squeeze him.
thank you @tpatch I have never been sexually active, so to discover there is a problem was a blow, but thankfully my husband has stood by me throughout all of this, so i know i am with the right man
I would just like to be able to connect physically with him without grimacing from pain as i know he hates seeing me suffer. Hopefully we will find something that helps us.
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