So after 13 years together 10 of which have been married we are going our separate ways.
There was very little sex in those 13 years but we got on like house on fire, which makes it worse I suppose
probably going to be the hardest thing I will have to do, thankfully there are no children involved.
how do you pick yourself up from such a blow.
I recently split after a 9 year relationship but mine was different circumstances out relationship was dead for a long time but we stayed together because of our son, and the fact that I was terrified of him, but I got up the courage to tell him to leave it sounds bad I know but within a week I'd met someone else n we've been together 4 months, but all u can do is not dwell on it it's very tough as my ex refused to move on saying he still loved me blah blah but in the last 2 years of the relationship there was no sex at all all I can say is if you think you are doing the right thing then all should be OK I'm sorry to hear about it I'm not great at giving advice but I hope this helps you a little bit x
Rachlou, Finishmeoff, I’m so very sorry to hear about your relationships, my thoughts are with you.
I’m sorry to hear that. Time is the best healer I think. Breaks up are rarely easy or quick to bounce back from so talk about things if you need to and try to keep busy in the meantime x
Im really sorry to hear that. Life can be really tuff at times. Ive going through a similar at the moment with my husband of 13 years. We decided to split up but still be together. We have been living in seperate houses now since July and its honestly the best choice we could of made. Its brought us both very close together and then we joined Love Honey to help revive the sex side of it. Could this be an option? I understand its not for everyone and may seem strange and financially its not always possible but we didn't want to end things totally, so this seemed to be a logical explanation. I understand if you not in love anymore then this wouldn't work either and sometimes its just best to let go. Things do have a way of working there way out and when things are going downhill they have have to come back up at some point. You have to do whats best for youself in the end and its ok to be a little bit selfish smd think of YOU.Good luck.
Man that sucks to hear :/
Like Nat said Time is going to help. Maybe in the meantime try and find some clubs or a hobby. Anything to keep busy x
I’m sorry to hear it, I went through a similar thing 2 year ago, was with my ex who I’d been with for 11 years and after a long time of being unhappy and constant arguing we separated and sold the house, 2 weeks later I met my current partner and things couldn’t be better.
From my experience all I can say is I know it feels terrible now and you feel like it’ll never get easier but it will, you’ll find your perfect partner and you’ll get the happiness you deserve
Really Sorry to hear about this Finishmeoff, I just hope I'm not going to be making a thread like this soon I have a fear I wont be able to pick myself up as I have put 18 years of effort in.
Hi, sorry to hear you are having such a tough time. I as others have said time is a great healer. Try to focus on the little things that make you happy and don't dwell to much on the parts that make you unhappy. I know easier said than done though.
Sorry to hear of your sadness.
If it's any consolation, we all go through tough times.
I need to deal with my physical and mental health issues better and stop snapping at my hubby every time something needs dealing with.
Just because I can't cope at the moment, it's not his fault.
We've been together in total for 13 years, and I love him to bits. I sincerely don't want to lose him just because I'm a massive 'stress-head'.
I'm trying so hard, but need to try harder controlling my negative emotions.
I'm sure (as is often said), the number 13 is a jinx for us, but we've been married for 7 years of that, which 7 is supposed to be lucky. I can't even do the math??!!! x
Warm wishes and thinking of you. 🌹
Emerald, Just Tease Me, D&E, wishing you all the very best, thinking of you ❤️ x
Finishmeoff wrote:
So after 13 years together 10 of which have been married we are going our separate ways.
There was very little sex in those 13 years but we got on like house on fire, which makes it worse I suppose
probably going to be the hardest thing I will have to do, thankfully there are no children involved.
how do you pick yourself up from such a blow.
I thought I had found the man of my dreams once. He turned out to be abusive. It took me quite a while to pull myself out of a massive slump. It took me a while to process everything that had happened, and there was an awful lot of soul searching, questioning, regrets etc. But eventually, I did manage to process it, and I started to feel more positive, and things improved from there.
My only real advice is to not push yourself. Let yourself grieve for the relationship and give yourself time to process everything. Good luck and big hugs Finishmeoff x
Emerald269 wrote:
Sorry to hear of your sadness.
If it's any consolation, we all go through tough times.
I need to deal with my physical and mental health issues better and stop snapping at my hubby every time something needs dealing with.
Just because I can't cope at the moment, it's not his fault.
We've been together in total for 13 years, and I love him to bits. I sincerely don't want to lose him just because I'm a massive 'stress-head'.
I'm trying so hard, but need to try harder controlling my negative emotions.
I'm sure (as is often said), the number 13 is a jinx for us, but we've been married for 7 years of that, which 7 is supposed to be lucky. I can't even do the math??!!! x
Warm wishes and thinking of you. 🌹
Hi Emerald, a number is a number, nothing more, so your 13th year is no different from your 12th.
Stress is a very debilitating condition. I think there are lots of people that don't understand how it can colour everything you think of or do.
A few quick pointers:
I assume your husband knows about things and why you are snapping at him. If not, he needs to.
Do you actually know what is causing your issues, and if you do, is there anything you can do to ease them? (For example, my parents are toxic, so my stress has been reduced significantly by virtually cutting them out of my life).
Finally, are you getting help? Counselling for example.
I hope things work out Emerald x
KinkyMira, I’m so sorry to hear about your suffering. I hope you’re ok. We’re here for you x.
Knight1119 wrote:
KinkyMira, I’m so sorry to hear about your suffering. I hope you’re ok. We’re here for you x.
Thanks for your wishes, but I'm well over it now. The worst of it was a decade ago. Since then, I've cut all the toxic people from my life (my family included), I have escaped the abuse, sorted my mental health issues out and now I'm in a really good place. I think it took 7 or 8 years, and a lot of determination.
Now I have a good man, a good set of friends, a job I love and my life is totally different. For example, a decade ago, there is no way I would be on here talking about sex and kink or writing a blog. Ten years ago, I would be waiting at home for my then partner to come home and hoping I could have an hour with him before he started shouting at me.
As a couple, my husband and I are very turned on to the effects of stress, anxiety and depression, and we look to catch them early. My husband had a slight wobble because of work over the summer, but we dealt with it early before it became bad.
Thanks again for your wishes x
Hi Emerald, a number is a number, nothing more, so your 13th year is no different from your 12th.
Stress is a very debilitating condition. I think there are lots of people that don't understand how it can colour everything you think of or do.
A few quick pointers:
I assume your husband knows about things and why you are snapping at him. If not, he needs to.
Do you actually know what is causing your issues, and if you do, is there anything you can do to ease them? (For example, my parents are toxic, so my stress has been reduced significantly by virtually cutting them out of my life).
Finally, are you getting help? Counselling for example.
Thanks KinkyMira,
I understand what you are saying, it's just a number. I think i'm just being a bit silly on that one!
Stress is extremely debilitating for me, i've suffered all my life and struggled to control it and I flare up when a trigger occurs or even if something goes wrong.
My hubby knows absolutely everything about me and why I act this way, past experiences and things I've done etc. Like being a bit promiscuous before I met him. I thought it would be best, years ago to lay everything out on the table, and i'm glad I did. I thought this would help, but things (trauma) still haunt you many years after. - I won't go into further detail here as I don't wish to get the thread closed.
I also removed my parents from my life in 2004, so this is no longer an issue, the word 'toxic', you used, totally sums up the situation and their relationship with themselves and me. To be fair it's one of the most sensible things i've done in my life, as i'm sure it was for you too.
I am waiting for psychotherapy counselling and also seeing an outreach worker (who visits me weekly) and am seeing a psychiatrist to work on my current issues. I seem to do well, then have blips (feeling disappointed with myself and like I'm back at square 1!)
I just read your most recent post and it's amazing what you've achieved. I would never think I would end up on the Lovehoney forum talking about sex either!
It is pretty amazing what can be achieved, and i'm so glad to hear you and your hubby are efficient at nipping stress 'in the bud' before it gets out of control. I certainly need to adopt that skill, and quick!!
Thanks for your kind words and lovely support, was so glad you were one of the forum friends I have, who has posted back about this. xx 🌹 🦋 ☺ ❤
I’m sorry to hear that you have recently split and looking at the comments you have been given some excellent advice. As others have said that time is the best healer. Try and focus on other things and just make your life as easy and comfortable as possible. Any break up is hard to start with but even the longest relationships won’t affect you after a few months or so, once your in a new routine you will feel tons better. I broke up with my childhood sweetheart after 10 years and I was absolutely broken, but I look back now and realise I spent a year or two of my life miserable and wasting out on so many opportunities. My last relationship I saw the break up as a positive, I had a lot more time to travel and see friends and family which fixed all the bridges I had burned. One huge tip is block them from social media as soon as possible, don’t allow yourself the access to stalk as this will really stump your progress. Good luck and stay positive! You will be fine and move on to bigger and better things 🤟
Hi Emerald, sounds like you are on the right track with loads of stuff here, and that is great to see.
I'm glad your husband knows everything. I really didn't want to tell mine everything, but I knew it would come out anyway eventually, so I did. It was absolutely the right thing to do, as it helps him to understand if I behaving a little weirdly (which I'm doing a lot less these days, although it does still happen - something triggers a flight or fight reaction or a shutdown).
Yes, removing my parents and other family was absolutely the second best choice I ever made. (The best choice I ever made was my boob-flouting dress that made my now-husband's eyes pop out of his head the first time I met him. It was way before we got together, but he's never forgotten me because of that dress!)
Anyway, enough going off-topic, and to blips. They happen, even occasionally to me now. You can't stop it, as it is a low level unconscious reaction. There is certainly no need to feel guilty about them, or beat yourself up about them. The way I deal with them is to realise what they are, realise when one has happened, and then just see it as a blip, and not a major setback. I suppose keep it in perspective is the best way to describe it - it isn't winding back years of work, it is just a slight wobble. You feel like you're back at square one, but you really aren't. It really is a temporary thing. I know it is easy to say, but if you can cognitively override the negative feelings about the blip, they loose their power.
As to nipping stress in the bud, absolutely, if you or your partner can work out you are stressed early, and if there is a trigger, then you can do stuff early to deal with it. For example, over the summer, my husband was getting stressed at work. I spotted it, so we did a few things, made a few decisions that needed making, and that was enough to take the head off the stress. Sometimes it isn't that easy, but stress is a weird beastie, so needs someone on constant lookout (in our case, we can do that for each other).
And thanks for the lovely words at the end. Means a lot hun. Take care xx
Thank you so much KinkyMira, both for your lovely words and also talking about this issue as if the 'stigma' has been removed, which is the way it should be!
It's so lovely to talk to someone who understands what we go through and who is mature and supportive about the subject.
I am so glad you are doing so well and are in such a better place now. A massive respect goes out to you for getting to this point, as it's bl**dy hard to do!!!
Thanks for being reassuring about the blip thing, you have put it into a much better perspective. I can be rather dramatic, when something goes wrong and this is a pattern I need to educate myself out of.
It's surreal the cards we have been dealt, but only we can turn them into a winning hand. I also appreciate there's so many others that go through (and have been through) what we have, and I hope members on the forum who can relate to this, take inspiration from your wonderful and positive posts.
I certainly will.
Thanks for being such a sweetie. xx Big hugs from Emerald. ❤ 🌷
I'm so glad my words help Emerald. I find a lot of people are well-meaning, yet patronising when it comes to talking about this stuff. Did they really think all I needed was to pull myself together and everything would be fine? Idiots - if it was that easy, I'd have done it years ago.
I had a blip a week ago actually, first one in ages. The whole day was ruined because my husband hadn't sorted parking out. It wasn't of course, he just sorted parking out then. But a blip these days for me comes out of nowhere. He has a tactic though - be supportive and loving, but don't say what an idiot I am being at the time - it really doesn't help. Still, I consider one blip in 6 months to be a massive result, and being realistic, you are never going to get rid of them completely.
Making progress with this stuff is bl**dy hard to do. You are totally right. But that slow shaky progress isn't wiped out with a blip I think of it as one of those rope bridges you see in playgrounds. OK, you're a bit wobbly. It takes time to get across, but if you fall off, you don't have to relearn the technique, you just have to make progress across the bridge again, and over time, it gets easier. I always felt that needing to explain things to my husband for every little blip was like me having to justify myself to him. It wasn't, but we needed a way for me to tell him what was going on. My husband now knows what "I've just fallen off the rope bridge" means, so he knows how to deal with me. I'll tell him what happened at some point, but in the meantime, he knows what is going on and what he needs to say (or indeed not say).
You mentioned that "I can be rather dramatic, when something goes wrong and this is a pattern I need to educate myself out of." I would suggest the place to start is to use a cognitive override. The dramatic response is emotional and may be driven from your unconscious brain. Your conscious brain is slower to react than your unconscious one, and sometimes doesn't even get a look in if your unconscious one is in full panic. Have you ever gone into meltdown because you missed a bus or train, but then shortly after realised you can catch the next one and still make your appointment, and then calmed right down. That is an example of the interaction I described. It is very hard to let the conscious brain into the discussion, but I found it useful, certainly more useful than beating yourself up because you had a blip.
Just a couple of things to think about. With all this stuff, it is finding out what works for you and that is what takes the time.
You know where I am, either here or on my blog. I'm around most mornings. Take care xx