Single after 20 years ....

Off-Topic Chat
1

After 20 odd years my marriage has come to an end.

The struggles and real efforts to keep it alive were, in the end, not enough. My wife and I had "the conversation" just before Christmas - so that was a weird time - so now I find myself living with a friend and wondering how I go about being single ... it's been a while. So I stay at home at the moment with a bottle of wine ... my freind keeps suggesting we go 'out on the pull' - I rarely did that even as a teenager (I was always fairly crap at that!), but one day ... when I've plucked up the courage and the desire to do so who knows.

Though I doubt I'll do that - it's not really me ...

Funnily enough though, it feels that the right decision was made for both of us.

It's just taking a bit of getting used to.

2

I wouldn't recommend "going out on the pull", but I would definitely start trying to rebuild your social life. Just go out for a few drinks with your friends, and get used to the new situation.

It's not nice, but unfortunately you may find that some of your "old friends" from when you were a couple may take sides in the split, so be ready for that.

I'm just guessing, but after 20 years together, you'll probably find most of your friends are in couples, so it can be hard to "fit in" with them.

This is from experience, but not of me splitting, it was one of my colleagues. I'm also told its good to have someone to talk to about things, but in my colleagues case he didn't want to split from his wife, but she left him. Hopefully this will be easier for you than him, I know it was a difficult time.

Good luck!

3

I'm not into going on the pull - not my thing at all.

I'm not into sex for the sake of it these days ... done that when I was in my teens. In the end it didn't bring me happiness. I get that from meaningful relationships. So "notches on the bed post" are a bit of a turn off for me.

You're right though - my social life has (with only a couple of exceptions) been based around couples. It's odd now to have to think about whether or not I can see a friend because their wife (or husband more particularly!!) finds it uncomfortable.

Thanks for the good luck wishes - I think I'm going to need them in the next few months ...

4

Awww I'm so sorry to hear that, it must be hard after such a long time. I can't begin to imagine what it's like and what your are going through even though you felt it was for the best (I have only got to 4 years with my OH, so 20 years is such an achievement and I admire you dearly for that)

I definately agree with what toycar69 said and maybe trying to rebuild your life would be the best option and who knows what or whom may come your way? good luck hun, I hope everything goes well for you now...

rb

x x

5

It sucks to hear your 20 years are down the pan, I hope it isn't too messy or stressy.

I heartily reccomend going out and finding new social groups to join. Meeting new people can do a lot for you especially people that do not know about your marriage and wife. It can allow you to feel free of that baggage and to move on.

For social group finding, I tend to look at the internet and local interest groups. If you have no interests or hobbies, now is a great time to develop some

6

I'm really sorry to hear your marriage has ended. It must be tough to get your head around the end of a relationship as significant as this.

Good luck to you over the coming months; it will take a lot of adjustment.

7

Sorry to hear your marraige has come to an end Sam. 20 years is a long time.

I was with my ex for 10 years so can go some way to undertanding how you are feeling. I was the same, didn't know how to be single. I took the time I needed to start loving me again. Started going out, met new friends. Eventually starting enjoying myself again. Meeting someone was the last thing on my mind and when I was ready I did meet someone.

Try not to think of it as an end, instead think of it as a new start. It will take time to adjust but you will finally get there. *hugs* x

8

You are all wonderful people!

Thankfully my soon to be ex and I tended to live fairly separate lives so we have our friends (part of the trouble in hindsight ...) Most of my friends are married as I've said, but I've been a member of a gym for years now so now is time the time to put a bit more effort into my "gym friends"

Thanks for the virtual hugs - occasionally I need some real ones too, but coming from my mate I'm living with it's not quite the same - no squishy bumps to snuggle up to!

9

awww Sam66! I hope it all goes ok for you and life treats you well. It's never nice splitting up no matter how amicable it may be. Can I be cheeky and maybe ask if you could have a little read of my lastest thread 'Found Lost Libido, Now What Do I Do?' thread, and maybe offer some suggestions with your amazing 20 years experience? I thank you in advance.

rb

x x

10

I'll nip over and have a look now ...

11

Hi Sam

My long term relationship/marriage (19 years) ended 3 years ago so I can relate to what you're going through. The good news is that it does get better and I've come out of a really low period in my life; coming up smelling of roses so to speak.

A few tips. Please don't think that I'm trying to tell you how to live your life. I'm not. But if you pick up one thing from my experiences then the time that I've spent thinking about what to type and actually typing it will have been well spent.

Find someone you trust to confide in/share your fears with. I was lucky to have my brother who was always there for me. He'd been through something similar. He was my rock.

A decent solicitor goes without saying. Remember that the law says divorcing couples are entitled to part of pension funds etc. Try and reach an agreement as to who has what without the solicitors bearing in mind that there is hardly any value in second hand furniture!

Try and keep matters as civil as you can with your ex. Being stubborn/bloody minded gets you nowhere and generally means more solicitor involvement and more cost.

Don't put a brave face on things. You will feel really low and the whole divorce process is an emotional time. I went through a period of mourning for what my ex and I had. The day the final paperwork arrived from the courts was quite surreal. An official piece of paper that replaces your marriage certificate and states that you are no longer married. I'm not ashamed to admit that I cried when I looked at that court notice.

Going out on the pull is an interesting one. The male ego being what it is means that we think we're still attractive to all women regardless of age. We're not. I'm guessing by the 66 part of your username that you're in your 40's or maybe approaching them. Ask yourself whether you want to meet a girl in a pub/bar.

When you feel ready, get back into the dating thing. Don't make the mistake that I did and talk about your ex on a date. bad move! I learned that very quickly. It's an instant turn off. Your ex was a major part of your life for 20 years, it's natural to talk about her but not on a date!

I thought that I would be the only 40-something singleton out there. I wasn't and there are loads of people in a similar situation.

I said at the start that I'd come through a very difficult period in my life. I've moved on and I am now married to the most amazing woman who gives me what I have always wanted from a relationship. Marriage is so much better second time around. I love her madly and and times we're like a couple of teenagers. We met via an on-line dating site and they really do work! I can personally recommend Match.com. Loads of people use sites like Match and it really does work.

Be happy, be positive and above all move on in your life when you are ready. It is going to be a difficult period in your life but it will not last forever.

12

I am sorry to hear your news Sam.

Looking through all the above posts , there is very little else I can say. As always , the OA's have given top quality advice.

Best Wishes

xL-Yx

13

I know that things may seem hard right now but I'm sure everything will work out okay. Hella Rouge is right about getting reacquainted with yourself, finding out who you are now as you'll have changed over the last few years. My Mum went through a break up a couple of years ago (step dad) and even though she still 'mourns' a little for her marriage (when times were good) she realises that it was for the best. She's in her 60's and has made new friends, got a new flat and she even got herself a dog. She's more socially active than I am!

I agree with everyone else, going out on the pull doesn't seem that it's something that'll suit you, I think you need to find a friend first and maybe allow that to develop. I believe that there is someone for everybody and probably when you're least expecting it they'll turn up.

Right now learn to enjoy yourself and find things that you like doing and dont think that you shouldn't be mourning your marriage, it's a natural part of the process, it does get easier.

All the very best.

14

Sorry you're going through a tough time right now Sam!!

Some exellent advice & support has been given already, so I cant really add much else...

As some people know on here, Me and Lady-J went through a really messy break up around two years ago!

At that point we had 8 years behind us, So I know how difficult it can be.

Myself, I nearly had a breakdown, And the split wasn't your every day break-up. She had been pretty much brainwashed by our neighbours and her so-called friends, Ended up having an affair with a bloke old enough to be her dad and it utterly broke my heart!

We however worked things out and are ok now thank god, But the point of my post is based around the time I was single during our break up...

Don't even think about relationships or dating right now. You're probably confused enough as it is dude! I tried this and it really messed my head up for a while!

Think about concentrating on YOU, Lose yourself in your hobbies/mates/work etc and re-build your life.

Bad things NEVER last Sam, And oneday sooner or later you'll look back on this thread and hopefully agree!

All my best, Paul ;)

15

Sorry to hear how things turned out pet, although glad to see you're at peace with things, if not entirely happy. Can't offer much in the way of personal experience, but I'd definitely settle on what others have said, and you know yourself: take time to have fun with yourself and your mates and find what makes you happy, and leave going 'on the pull' to if/when it feels right.

16

Sorry to hear about it man. Hope it's for the best for the both of you.