New to sex and not feeling it

Sex Tips & Talk
1

Ok so i have only been with one guy. i'd say he is average in size ~ i'm guessing this as i have never had sex with anyone before him, but the thing is i don't really feel anything during sex, he has never had anyone say anything to him in the past about him being small, we have tried different positions and different condoms and lube but nothing seems to make me feel anything. I don't feel him inside me, him coming inside me and i've never had an orgasm from sex.

It's getting to the point where i just dont feel like having sex as i don't feel anything and just end up thinking what's the point. We have started to have anal which hurts and i can feel him then even tho i don't enjoy it at all.

Any advice would be really helpful. Thanks =) x.

2

Hi bd, do you feel him when he uses his fingers or mouth on you? Have you ever used a vibrator? If ho have do you feel that? xx

3

hi bd i was just about to say the same as ilovemyman. the only thing i can say is have you tried doin loads of foreplay before you start penertration?

4

Hi bd, you can't enjoy a gorgeous meal if you're not hungry and you can't do a work it out without warming up. Your body works the same with sex. Intercourse is something you have to build up to (or skip completely) by exploring what it is that just gets you bloody randy. Forget the rules and what's normal. If you're not aroused physically and psychologically it will be like attempting sex with a guy who's just walked out of a cold shower.

The inside of your vagina is not very sensitive beyond a very shallow point so don't be suprised if simple back and forth jack hammering makes your mind wander. Most women don't orgasm through penetration at all. You say you haven't orgasmed with this fella but it might be an idea to spend time with yourself finding what feels good for you. Every woman is wired differently and it takes a lot of curiosity to find the magic recepie. The nerves down there spread over a massive surface area and experiments with vibes might be a great way to find your sweet spot. You may even find you require very specific stimulation inside you. An evening spent G-Spot hunting is never wasted. If you gloss over the forum you'll find great recommendations (the bullets seem to be the winners)

Different condoms and lube do sod all for me too. But I would bet money on turning your mind on and really spending time on getting worked up. If you take the emphasis off intercourse and aiming for orgasm you might find you get there while you were just having fun on the way.

I'm really sorry your anal experience is not good so far. Again like anything in sex it can feel completely different depending on how worked up you an how into it you are at the time. If you start slow and approach it in stages it could feel brilliant but it's not for everyone either. That said I didn't attempt it until I had been active for several years. You just feel in your gut when these things are right and maybe it's just not the right time.

Even after you've done everything in the sexual handbook I find it can be the small things that can lead to the best results. Just having a really long snog session, or having someone run their hands through my hair while they kiss my neck is for me a much easier route to getting switched on then getting straight to what we consider 'sexual acts.' Then when you *do* get to that stuff it feels natural and like there was nothing that could persuade you to do anything else and not leave you wondering why *does* the world revolves around *this*??

Don't know if that's useful but I hope you have fun and enjoy it and don't worry if it takes time to get there. For heaven's sake don't clam up and not communicate with your lover. A sense of humour and a patient partner is much more useful than a penis size upgrade too!

5

PS if you don't like something: bugger putting up with it. Anal is not man-oxygen despite what they say.

6

Hi,

Sorry you've not had the "OMG so THIS is what all the fuss is about!" experience yet. I think it's sound advice above. I just wanted to add, that a lot of women don't orgasm from penetrative sex, I think oral/touching is often the main event for women as that's how they're going to orgasm (which in turns makes you feel closer to your partner) and these things really shouldn't be viewed as 'foreplay' to intercourse. It's a very male (and heterosexual) was of viewing sex. I'm thinking if you don't see the point, then he's probably not bringing you to orgasm with his mouth/hands before you have intercourse? I don't orgasm from penetration but my OH always makes me cum before we have "sex" and very often multiple times. Recently we have started to explore my g-spot (with his fingers) and this seems to have increased the va-va-voom for me with intercourse as well - so these things are worth exploring.

As far as the anal goes I would really stop doing it if you hate it and it's causing you pain. The guy you're with wounds insensitive at best if he's pounding away and not making you orgasm AND is continuing to want to have anal sex when not only do you really dislike it but it's also causing you pain! In my - limited - experience of trying it you really need to be very nicely warmed up and probably have had a few clitoral orgasms (obviously from the female perspective, not sure what the men who like to be penetrated anally on here would suggest) first, lots of licking and fingering of the anus and then VERY slowly trying penetration. I've tried it in the spoons position you mention and think that's pretty good in terms of control/intimacy. But if you don't want to do it then don't do it! Or suggest switching and you doing it to him and see how he likes them apples! If he was game then fair enough and it might give him an appreciation of what's involved!

It may also be the case that if you have other sexual partners in future you find that it's better for you. Not only in terms of their technique, but the dynamic between you might be different as well and that might give you the mental turn on needed to really put you in the mood.

Just don't be pressured into anything. If you aren't feeling it then don't do it. If you tell him - in case he's not even realising! - that you aren't enjoying the sex life you have together maybe he will be open to trying to see what works for you. In my experience one of the biggest turn ons for men is often in getting a woman off and making her orgasm. So, in theory he should want to please you, if anything for his own ego!

Best of luck with it x

7

Thanks for all the ideas people!!

Ilovemyman: I do feel his fingers kind of, I defo feel his mouth on my clit. I have a bunny vibrator the only problem with that is that the head on it is kind of big and sometimes painful when using.

sh4ag: My man's idea of foreplay sadly is oral sex, and because he is my first I don’t really know any foreplay things to do (suggestions will be welcome)

Tigerlilies: will defo look for idea on the forums about g-spots, I do have a bullet which I use on my clit, I’m not sure if do orgasm from this it just makes me buck a lot and then it just go tender. My man is really in to anal all I have to do is say the word and he is ready for it. Again my mans idea of foreplay is oral he also smokes he don’t always taste good =(

Columbus: he teases that I can use my dildo on him yet when push comes to shove as they say and I try he giggles and says no, to be honest I don’t really want to do it to him as it hurts me so much I don’t want to cause him the pain I get.

8


My message didn't send right Thanks for all the ideas people!!

Ilovemyman: I do feel his fingers kind of, I defo feel his mouth on my clit. I have a bunny vibrator the only problem with that is that the head on it is kind of big and sometimes painful when using.

sh4ag: My man's idea of foreplay sadly is oral sex, and because he is my first I don’t really know any foreplay things to do (suggestions will be welcome)

Tigerlilies: will defo look for idea on the forums about g-spots, I do have a bullet which I use on my clit, I’m not sure if do orgasm from this it just makes me buck a lot and then it just go tender. My man is really in to anal all I have to do is say the word and he is ready for it. Again my mans idea of foreplay is oral he also smokes he don’t always taste good =(

Columbus: he teases that I can use my dildo on him yet when push comes to shove as they say and I try he giggles and says no, to be honest I don’t really want to do it to him as it hurts me so much I don’t want to cause him the pain I get.

9

Hi bd, i think it would be a good idea to play around yourself and find out what you like. As for ideas there are loads on here if you have a look around, the thread when did you last have sex is a good one, you should find some ideas on there. Good luck x

10

I think you need to play with yourself and discover what things you do like then pass this on to your man as suggested above. Do you play with your clit whilst having sex? May heighten your pleasure. Never do anything your not happy with though, dont have anal if your not comfortable with it.

Id suggest buying some chocolate sauce, lubes and massage oils, just enjoy licking and fondling eachother to get aroused and massage is quite sensual and may help you get in the mood. x

x

11

Lots of good advice here, not much I can add really but shall try to contribute something.

How long have you been with this man bd? Of that how long have you been sexually 'active' as it were, and particularly trying penetrative sex? I've been with my OH for just over 3 years, and he is/ was my first; it was not fireworks in the sky-like for me for a while, probably a few months in terms of penetration, for a start initially it's quite an odd sensation and a wish to do it 'right', which is a little self defeating. Most women seem to take a while to enjoy penetrative sex fully, and as has been pointed out, not all women do orgasm through penetration.

Your man definitely needs to expand his definition of what sex is and what counts as foreplay, he won't know however unless you explain some of these things to him, and if he's insensitive, it's possible that 'subtle' hints won't work. Take some time alone, (note, turn off mobile, phone, computer etc and perhaps set aside a day orso that you might feel no pressure or time restraint on 'I must learn by 6pm today')

If the rabbits head is sometimes painful, look at getting something smaller or slimmer and experiment with lubes, oils etc. You'll find looooads of recommendations for toys, and reviews around here, and not everyone likes the same things; personally I hate rabbits (vibes and otherwise) but they make some people scream and their toes curl. Take your time, teach the man to take his time, you are NOT a fleshlight!

On the anal sex front, pain is useful, it is a signal that tells us when something is damaging our body, a warning sign that directs us to desist from an activity. There may come a time in the future when you wish to re-examine the area, but for now it (i) gives you no pleasure (ii) Is unpleasant and painful (iii) puts you off doing things and (iv) is HIS kink, not yours. Yes, it's lovely to please a partner, and sometimes pushing a frontier initially for them can be fun, or at least interesting. This is not, so try something else. There are hundreds of threads on anal around, and lots of advice, but all of them advise taking time to stretch, get the area used to stimulation, use lube, lube and more lube and stop if it hurts. If HE isn't willing to take it up the bum, why does he expect you (and women lack a prostate) to do so?

Bottom line (no pun intended), experiment on your own, tell him what you learn, and contrary to myth, most men prefer having some direction and instruction on what to do. Relax, try not to subject yourself to pressure, and help expand what he terms 'sex'.

Sorry for the length xx

12

Oh, Sexy Nurse posted a while ago about not feeling her partner inside, so may be worth talking to. Has only happened to me a couple of times and as she has said and you appear to have gathered, it is not size related. For myself, if we change the angle slightly it helps a lot! If I'm lying completely flat with my legs together, unless they are VERY tightly crossed I don't feel him, even though it often takes a little while for me to be able to comfortably..ahm..accomodate? him.

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http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/community/members/ilovemyman/ and http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/community/members/emma/ thank you so much for the advice and im gonna try your suggestions. thanks!!.

http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/community/members/rowan/ its fine for the length i met my bf when i was 15 and am now 19 nearly 20.. we started to have intercourse when i was 16 i didn't really feel any pain when we first had sex it was my first time which is kinda worrying when i think about it, as i have read that there is ment to be. do u know what the forum sexy nurse posted was called as i have searched but cant find it =(

also me and my bf dont really talk alot.. i try but he is always on the xbox 360, i know i shouldnt moan about this but yesterday i ordered some underwear which was delievered today and instead of me wearing it and us two having some "sexy time" as it were to try new thing has been on the xbox all day and is still on it.. he only asks me to make him a cup of tea, or to cook food.. feeling a little erm unattractive to put it nicely. wishing i could turn in to an xbox. im not confident at all thru years of personal bad things which have happened which are too personal to put on a forum.. any ideas on how to get him off the xbox, have tried to kiss and tease him but he only seems to want it when i need sleep which is like 1:30am!!

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of course the links above was ment to be taken out! sorry!!

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There is often some pain the first time a girl/ woman has penetrative intercourse, however that does not mean that if there is none something is wrong. I was very active (work, cycling etc) until about a year and a half before first sleeping with my OH. I didn't hurt at all, during or afterwards, there was no blood, I was relaxed, and knackered. It sometimes, for very lucky women, is that way. Do you mind if I mention the xbox thing and it's effects to my husband? We've had similar problems at one point to work through and I'd value his male perspective on this one as well as mine (as the once insecure and unfeminine computer game-widow!)

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baby.d0llo9 wrote:

http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/community/members/ilovemyman/ and http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/community/members/emma/ thank you so much for the advice and im gonna try your suggestions. thanks!!.

http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/community/members/rowan/ its fine for the length i met my bf when i was 15 and am now 19 nearly 20.. we started to have intercourse when i was 16 i didn't really feel any pain when we first had sex it was my first time which is kinda worrying when i think about it, as i have read that there is ment to be. do u know what the forum sexy nurse posted was called as i have searched but cant find it =(

also me and my bf dont really talk alot.. i try but he is always on the xbox 360, i know i shouldnt moan about this but yesterday i ordered some underwear which was delievered today and instead of me wearing it and us two having some "sexy time" as it were to try new thing has been on the xbox all day and is still on it.. he only asks me to make him a cup of tea, or to cook food.. feeling a little erm unattractive to put it nicely. wishing i could turn in to an xbox. im not confident at all thru years of personal bad things which have happened which are too personal to put on a forum.. any ideas on how to get him off the xbox, have tried to kiss and tease him but he only seems to want it when i need sleep which is like 1:30am!!

What do you mean you shouldn't moan!! You are within your rights to ask him to have some *relationship* time if he is spending time on his xbox - a relationship is a 2 way street. If you were saying "he's on 5 minutes and I want him to stop" then I'd say that he deserves some time to himself, but when *him* time is massively more important to him than *shared* time, then you have the right to ask him what's going on!

As for the penetration - try having a play with yourself, see what feels good, what doesn't feel good and what has no sensation. The more you understand your body alone the better you will be at guiding your fella to hit the right *spots*. The first 3rd of the vagina is the most sensitive so if you can't feel your fingers when you touch there (try with lube to avoid discomfort but not too much else you won't feel anything anyway) then you might want to have a chat with your doctor.

Hope things work out - have a browse round here and familiarise yourself you might just stumble on the answer :)

Ax

17

AdnaW is absolutely correct, I would however add to the reassurance of your entitlement to moan (and you aren't moaning) that when you do bring this up with the man you do so when calm, as you stand a better chance of articulating yourself then, and it not being put down in his mind as 'said in the heat of the moment'. He needs to straighten his priorities, but won't if he doesn't think you mean what you say.

He has no right to take you for granted and if it's you in the pic, then may I assure you that you appear very feminine!

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hi Rowan yes thats me in the picture, and i dont mind if u bring up the xbox thing with ur husband. I have tried to talk to him but he just says its because nothing is on t.v. make me think something is wrong with me but thats to do with issues of confidence ect.

AdnaW: i just feel like i shouldnt complain about him being on there.. he needs his alone time and it saves him moaning about crap on t.v. but when im sat here at a computer, wanting to try on some underwear i only got today i just feel a little well jealous i guess of the xbox.. what has that got that i havent maybe im being silly. he is on there everyday and i do mean everyday.

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baby.d0llo9 wrote:

hi Rowan yes thats me in the picture, and i dont mind if u bring up the xbox thing with ur husband. I have tried to talk to him but he just says its because nothing is on t.v. make me think something is wrong with me but thats to do with issues of confidence ect.

AdnaW: i just feel like i shouldnt complain about him being on there.. he needs his alone time and it saves him moaning about crap on t.v. but when im sat here at a computer, wanting to try on some underwear i only got today i just feel a little well jealous i guess of the xbox.. what has that got that i havent maybe im being silly. he is on there everyday and i do mean everyday.

He needs his alone time yes, everyone does, but that doesn't mean every minute of every day does it? It's not fair if he only comes to you when *he* wants to - a relationship is about give and take. As Rowan says, try to discuss it rationally and calmly but I would discuss it with your fella if I were you! You deserve to be his priority. Have you tried suggesting *before* he goes on the xbox that you might like to do something together, go for a walk in the park or find something you both enjoy. Setting a time might make him set aside some non-xbox time. My fella is on his laptop every day, but if I say to him that I'd like to spend some time with him, then he'll finish whatever he's doing (can take an hour mind) but eventually he will come and spend time with me. You need to talk to your guy and explain how you're feeling, tell him your ok with him being on the xbox but you're feeling neglected and tell him how he could make things better - try and word it positively by telling him how good you feel when you spend time together so he doesn't feel like you're just having a go. You deserve to be a priority in his life!

You look stunning in your image and you seem like a nice person - you should be confident but you don't seem it :(

Ax

20

yes i have tried that before he goes on but he just spends like an hour with me.. i say with me but really its him watch something on t.v. he likes while he is sat next to me.. He doesn't really like to go out.. for his own personal reasons which is his choice. people say i should be confident but there is a whole my ex screwed up my life in the biggest way possible before i got with my current bf so im not confident but im trying to work on it.. the whole easier said than done applies here =(