Been with my OH since I was 21, I’m now 31. Being together that long he knows I battle depression daily and being born with Spinabifida which adds to it and I also feel self conscious of my own body, this often affects my libido. He sees past my condition and sees me for me which I love. I can go in phases of wanting sex 7 days a week, then when I feel down again, it may turn into once every 2 weeks or longer. In December, we had sex once the whole month, same in January. I felt better again this month so far and he’s had it almost everyday. I can’t guarantee how I’ll feel each day I wake up, But days I feel like crap, he seems to pester me even when I say no more than once. There’s never any forcing involved but he’ll ask me in a afternoon, I say no, then tries again in the evening and then when we get in bed. He’s always had a very sex drive and when we first got together, we would have marathons and think he still expects that still lol. Once I told him if I bother him so much, find someone else but it upset him and said he wants no one else. Has anyone had to deal with a guy that the word no goes over their head? He never gets mad or throws a fit thankfully but you can see in his face he gets frustrated if 2 weeks or longer goes by. If anyone asks, yes I’ve tried antidepressants but either not that effective or make me feel like a zombie.
Sometimes it is hard, especially with your condition. If I may make a suggestion, have you thought about potentially using a fleshlight that he could use if your not wanting to do anything he could use that instead Just a suggestion Michael
Consent is important and so is feeling relaxed with your partner, so he needs to take no for an answer and respect that. Maybe you can agree that no means no the first time you say it but if you change your mind you will initiate? So that he isn't repeating the request?
I'd echo what MickeyMinnie says. He could invest in a toy of his own - Lovehoney sell a range of male masturbaters. That way he can take himself off to the bathroom, or go to bed earlier than you (don't know how you would feel about him using it in front of you - couples vary) and find some release that way.
It is perfectly normal for couples to have different drives from time to time. It's best if the partner with the higher drive sorts themselves out rather than pestering the other - asking once is fine, but not pestering.
It's also normal to have good days and bad days. If you feel your mood changes are more than that then there are other options beside medication. If you talk to your GP they will be able to recommend a local talking therapy service (or google IAPT Talking Therapy in your area) - these are often free and you can self-refer. The NHS England website has info on this (I can't post a link here).
Good luck!
Just to throw my 2 pennies in. A.D will not work for everyone, that aspect is never really talked about and DR's, some not all, are too quick to prescribe them.
Same applies to councelling and Psychotherapy, not all practitioners will be able to resolve your issues. Maybe ask your GP to refer you again.
As others have said, a Fleshlight might be a good idea.
I love to be held by Mrs300 while I use my toy - without the case - when she's not in the mood. Very intimate and nearly as good as making love...
I’ll ask him tonight if he would consider a flesh light. Are since Valentine’s Day is coming up, just buy him one and see if uses it are not.
Can you give a good hand job?
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I understand your situation like mine When it's a no you don't even want to participate sex in all kind. Loving one another does not necessarily boil down to sex.if he understood love he will not be pushing you so hard. So a good talk together is will solve the problem
EmmaC1989 wrote:
I’ll ask him tonight if he would consider a flesh light. Are since Valentine’s Day is coming up, just buy him one and see if uses it are not.
Hope this works for you! It can be very good indeed!
Just a thought - get the Ice Fleshlight if you decide to go down that route...
Whichever you decide to get him on valentines it still boils down to acceptance. He has to agree that it’s a substitute and he will be happy using it. In my humble opinion, toys are use to enhance the sexual drive and bring it to another level. It can not replace the real.
4Uonly wrote:
Whichever you decide to get him on valentines it still boils down to acceptance. He has to agree that it’s a substitute and he will be happy using it. In my humble opinion, toys are use to enhance the sexual drive and bring it to another level. It can not replace the real.
Of course there has to be acceptance and toys will always be a substitute!
I wasn't suggesting that toys can replace the real thing...
My apology if my post sounds offensive.300 wrote:
4Uonly wrote:
Whichever you decide to get him on valentines it still boils down to acceptance. He has to agree that it’s a substitute and he will be happy using it. In my humble opinion, toys are use to enhance the sexual drive and bring it to another level. It can not replace the real.
Of course there has to be acceptance and toys will always be a substitute!
I wasn't suggesting that toys can replace the real thing...
4Uonly wrote:
My apology if my post sounds offensive.300 wrote:
4Uonly wrote:
Whichever you decide to get him on valentines it still boils down to acceptance. He has to agree that it’s a substitute and he will be happy using it. In my humble opinion, toys are use to enhance the sexual drive and bring it to another level. It can not replace the real.
Of course there has to be acceptance and toys will always be a substitute!
I wasn't suggesting that toys can replace the real thing...
Not at all! You make a good point about acceptance.
As a spouse of disabled person that has zero sex drive I can relate to your issues . Though , compared to our sex life you are like a wild sex machine . I approach her once in a great while in a way that is offering any kind of contact , but do not push it . So these days it is totally DIY in the sex department . I have found that it is worse for her depression if I do not offer myself up as a sex toy occasionally , or I would not bother her at all . It is a fine line and balancing act . I hope he can take care of his own needs when you are not up to the task after a simple no .
Reading the title of this thread made me a little sad. I’ve been there, the one who wasn’t in the best mindset to be having sex or to even feel sexy. I had no desire for anything sexual but I continued to be pestered. I used the line “When I say no, it doesn’t mean “convince me.”” and that changed everything. It opened us up to having a conversation about how I don’t always feel up to it, as much as I’d love to. Everything settled down then, I felt less pressured, I felt more comfortable. The less pressure I felt, the more my appetite for it increased. Sometimes that conversation is all it takes. The problem here isn’t you and your sex drive, it’s the communication, the understanding and how the frustration is dealt with. I’m glad your partner doesn’t react negatively. It’s frustration and the build up of that is natural. As others have suggested, I’d recommend toys to ease that. I know this thread is a little old - I hope things are getting a little better?
We're alot better after a chat about it. He says he uses sex as his way of expressing love to me which I get, everyone expresses love differently. But I explained when I'm in the mood, I LOVE sex with him, but some days I actually enjoy a simple kiss and a cuddle in bed and you know, just relax being in each other's company.
We had sex last night and tonight agreed to be a cuddle night which he happily agreed to.
Great - it is the communication and the closeness which matter - just as much as sex.