Best advice. Speak to her heart without the intention of sexual recompensation. Speak to her intellect. Speak by actions more than words but do try to make it clear that your actions are you trying to speak “this feeling,” to her without words. Lower the feeling of expectation for her to “do something for you.” And make it obvious you’re willing to do something for her, (especially in non sexual ways until she opens up.) Be patient. Be understanding. Be empathetic. Try to avoid “putting her on the spot.” Keep trying, without pressuring. Keep coming up with different ways for her to show, or indicate rather than speak her approval.
Sometimes the best way to speak. Isn’t to speak verbally. For either you or her. (Yes, haha, I realize the irony everyone who knows my writing my style is thinking right now reading that comment.)
I would also try to stay away from asking or making statements involving the word “You,” as much as possible. The more you say things like if “I were to try this and see what happens…does that sound like something that would be ok?” The faster she won’t hear “You,” directed at her and the faster she will feel less pressure as a result.
“When i said this you did that,” is an adversarial language style that puts submissive/shy/hurt individuals In an auto self preservation mode to avoid getting hurt. Even when, to most, it couldn’t be interpreted as (You vs. Me), sometimes in my experience it still comes across that way to them. Or contributes to escalation rather than de-escalation in general with anyone.*
Ms. Anony’s much the same way just highly sexualized by nature and (lack) of nurture before we met. This made her a little easier to prompt to “tell me,” what she wanted in some ways and extremely hesitant in others due to past history and fear of rejection. But only after I discussed things with her and gave her ideas that were stated in a way that she felt she could answer, as if it were being stated/answered about someone else, did she start opening up little by little. . The biggest goal I had was to de-escalate pressure with language and word choice, to get Ms. Anony to open up and know she was safe to say or do literally anything she wanted with zero judgment or negative reaction.
“Do you think most women would like….?”
“So I know you girl’s gossip and discuss the ‘fun stuff, tell me the most interesting thing one of your friends has said that might have gotten a reaction or a question from one of the other girls….”
“If I’m going in a direction you think you might like…you have to ‘tell me,’ I’m going down a road you want me to get to the end of so…put your hand on my right shoulder…etc”
Ms.Anony also has 4 communication related disorders, and was just recently diagnosed with at least one (with more indicated), Autoimmune Disorder(s)that affects her neurologically. She was the toughest nut I’ve ever had to crack but I’ve learned so much as a result and it’s one of the most rewarding experiences of my life to “set her free.
Basically your goal is to learn how to teach her to communicate her wants needs and desires both in and out of the moment. In a safe environment. Either by phrasing questions about “her friends,” or by giving her physical prompts to communicate without speaking what was already agreed on their meaning, before the moment…in the moment. Or by suggesting cues as simple as leaving the bathroom door slightly ajar when she’s getting ready to come to bed to show she’s “open,” to intimacy. Always acknowledge and state appreciation/compliment when she opens up without making her feel uncomfortable etc
The more you get her used to your touch in loving non sexual ways, (massages, foot rubs, slowly learning her personal space barrier and just slightly getting further inside it by putting your hand on her knee while watching tv…Etc). The more she will know she can open up and communicate however she can and it’s encouragement for her to do so.
I know I’m emphasizing language (verbal, physical) to a level that might come across as “unnecessary,” but, I was a communications minor in College. Lets just say I have a lot of experience with getting a lot of shy/hurt women to come out of their shells as I always really empathized with them. I wanted to show them it was safe to speak, however they chose to speak.
I can promise you over time once the comfort barrier has slowly been dropped and she is uninhibited…the time and patience you took to make her feel comfortable will be reciprocated ten fold. Because no one else took the time or had the patience to do it, which means to them you’ve earned it when the “wall’s,” finally lowered. And you’ll see her appreciation when she knows she’s safe enough to show it however she chooses to.
I know that’s a lot. But I also know if she’s communication limited or reserved. What it takes to help her open up and I’m hoping this has given you some understanding of what she may be feeling and how to overcome those feelings without making her confirm those feelings.
I hope this helps. And I salute you. You’re a rare partner who’s willing to show your partner they are worth the effort.